Demon in My Mind

In my frazzled state, I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I needed to get away from Joanna. She was causing chaos and confusion right down to my very core. I wasn't supposed to get attached. I wasn't supposed to like her laugh or smile. I was supposed to enjoy taking her soul, making her lifeless while her heart remained beating, while she remained ready to sire my children. However, the thought of doing that to Joanna made me feel sick. My stomach clenched and flipped. I wanted to throw up. Yet, I didn't understand why. This was not how things were supposed to be. I was supposed to enjoy the thought. I had been...until I met her. I saw her as a person, not simply a human vessel, but a person. It was strange...yet true, nonetheless. She was my Joanna, and I didn't want anyone else to take that light from her eyes, the brightness which I had fallen for.

No! That wasn't what I was supposed to be thinking. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. She was a human. She was made to be bred and tossed away. Yet, I was beginning to feel sickened by that practice, especially as I recalled how lively Joanna was. How she laughed, just like I did with my demon friends. How she spoke so tenderly and gently, a far cry from the gruff demon women. She was beautiful and yet...no...no. I was not supposed to be thinking like that.

"Damien, what are you doing down here alone?"

I knew that voice. That was the voice of Isadora, my betrothed. We had grown up together. Her father was adviser to my own father, to the King of the Aquademonis. I am supposed to marry her in the future, yet as I looked at her, all he could think was that I wanted to marry Joanna...not Isadora. She was my friend, yes, probably even my best friend but there were no strange, warm feelings there. She did not make me feel...strangely giddy and excited to learn more about her. She was normal to me, as I saw her almost every single day. We had learned how to be proper demons together. She was safe. She was what I am supposed to desire for the rest of my life. The one I am supposed to raise the demon children that humans supplied for us with. Yet looking at Isadora, her pale complexion shimmering with a slightly, unnoticeable to human eyes, purple tint, I knew she wasn't what I wanted. I wanted Joanna, even if I had no idea why I was feeling this way or what on earth I was thinking.

"I needed to think..." I responded, my voice soft. I didn't want to be bothered, however, I knew I couldn't turn Isadora away. I had been taught manners and I couldn't be rude to the girl I had been raised with, to my betrothed and best friend. I wanted to. However, I couldn't.

"About what? Damien, you look upset about something. Today was your first solo hunt...did it not go well?" Isadora approached me, reaching out to pat my cheek tenderly and resting her other hand against my chest.

"Well...yes...no. I don't know, Izzy. It was...weird, okay." I didn't really want to talk to her about this. First because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I also didn't think she'd understand. We were raised to hunt humans and to use them to grow the demon population. We were not trained to love them. We needed their bodies and their souls, never their hearts and minds...yet it seemed Joanna's heart and mind was exactly what had me so confused. Isadora would never understand that. At least, I didn't think she would.

"Weird? Damien, you aren't making sense. Tell me about it, maybe it would help to talk about whatever happened."

"No. I don't wanna talk about it. I just need to think." I told her, shoving her away as gently as possible and pacing, trying so hard to clear my head but a new wave of emotions coming over me every time I looked at Isadora and began to compare the feelings I felt for her, for my betrothed, to the feelings I felt for Joanna, the one I chose as my first victim. It didn't make sense.

"Damien, bottling it up and dealing with it alone isn't going to help you, love." Isadora moved toward me once more, reaching out to take my hand and tug me toward her, then wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Love...Iz, we aren't supposed to FEEL love. That is not supposed to be an emotion we know and THAT is the problem. We pretend to be so much like these humans, to understand them, trick them and lure them...but when it comes down to it, we know NOTHING about them and when we do...when we do, our job becomes harder!" I snapped, shoving her away again, this time more roughly and watching as she stumbled. "I DON'T want to talk about it, now will you leave me alone?"

"No! I wanna know what the hell has gotten into you? We are going to get married and maybe love for us isn't the stupid emotion that those pointless humans feel, but we can feel something...you're not alive if you feel nothing and what the hell is wrong with you? What happened when you went on your hunt that has you pushing ME away? We're going to be married one day and I will NOT let you push me around, Damien." Isadora scolded, hitting me in the chest with closed fists as she enunciated each word. However, soon enough her voice softened and her hits became gentle strokes, an attempt to comfort me, doubtlessly. "Do not be foolish, Damien, let me help you."

"You can't help me! Don't you understand that? I need to think and you sitting here, chattering at me and scolding me, isn't helping me think. Besides...I don't need you to help me. I'm fine."

"No, you're not fine and you're going to tell me what the hell is wrong with you because this is not the Damien I grew up with! You have never been so nervous. You've always been confident and sure of yourself. So...WHAT happened?"

"Stop asking that, you will not understand!"

"Try me!"

"Fine! I think I may be falling in love with the girl I chose to hunt! Is THAT what you wanted to hear?"

Isadora was staring at me now with a dumbfounded expression on her face. Her cerulean eyes were wide and she stared at me for a moment before backing up, unsure whether to run at me or away from me it seemed. However, once the shock wore off, she launched herself at me, hugging me tightly and only further confusing me.

"I just want to know why? I am worried about you and I KNOW this is not good and it can't lead to anything good, but you said it yourself that we can't love...so, how and why do you feel that you could be falling in love with a human girl? Humans are supposed to mean nothing to us...so...what is so special about her, if you and I can't say we love one another and you don't feel love when I hug you like this...but you are 'falling in love' as you claim, with some stupid human girl?" Despite the fact that she was hugging me, clinging to me and choosing to listen to me...her words held venom, jealousy if I had to guess. She wanted to know why a human was getting from me, something that she couldn't.

"I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out. I KNEW you wouldn't understand which is why I didn't wanna tell you!"

"I DO understand, but I want to know WHY...YOUR not going to be able to think until you think about why you're feeling this way and...and what do you intend to do about it, Damien? Are you going to throw your life away?"

"I don't know!"

"Damien, you're the PRINCE. If you are going to think about this...you need to think about WHY you feel this way and WHAT you're going to do about it. You and I both know that if I can't understand it, as you claim, your parents certainly aren't going to understand it." Isadora sighed, looking at me with a frown and reaching out to touch my cheek gently. "I'm worried about you...and our future."

That's when I shoved her away once more. She wasn't actually concerned about me at all. She was concerned about the title she'd never have if I chose Joanna over her. I understood her points, but the fact that she had ulterior motives only served to anger me and upset me, rather than comfort me. I wanted her gone. I needed to talk to someone who wasn't in it for their own personal gain. I needed someone, sympathetic and yet...I had no idea who that might be. I just knew I needed to get away from Isadora.

"Go away, Isadora." I stated, firmly.

I didn't wait for her to answer. I was sick of arguing. I moved for the door, disappearing through it and slamming it behind me. I didn't want to be followed. So, instead of heading upstairs and to the school, I headed out a side door and through the underground tunnels that would lead me home. I figured that maybe, just maybe, if I could get home, I could find somewhere quiet to think.