Am I Losing Myself?

I shuffled my feet as I made my way back to my cell at the New Jersey State Prison. There has been another fight in the cafeteria, so we were sent back to our cells early. Some of us didn't even get a chance to finish our meal, not that the meals were appetizing in the first place. Prison food sucked.

Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Gerard Way. I'm 26 years old. I am 5 feet and 9 inches tall. I have hazel eyes and my hair is currently dyed black and is at medium length. I've only been in this hell hole for 3 months and I already wanted to kill myself, which probably wasn't a terrible idea after all the horrible things I have done. The prison guards treated the inmates horribly. Although, I do believe the pedophiles and murderers of children deserve to be treated like scum, I sure as hell didn't deserve it. Neither do the others with crimes not nearly as bad.

Within my short amount time spent here, I've already seen way more than I wanted. Some guards raped the prisoners. Luckily, I haven't been a chosen victim yet, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. If you seem like an easy target, you're screwed. That's what happened to my last cellmate, Jimmy. He didn't return until late at night when they sexually assaulted him the first time, and broke down crying. Jimmy told me every detail. One guy helped hold him down, while the other fucked violated him. It happened again and again until he had enough and ended his own life just so he didn't have to suffer through it anymore. What a shame, I thought.

I'm not exactly sure of the names of these guards. The inmates are too afraid to come forward. I spoke with one other person who didn't have it nearly as bad done to him as Jimmy did. He was simply forced to give a blowjob and was jerked off for 'cooperating' is how he put it. I feel so sorry for them.

****
I nearly jumped out of my skin when there was a loud banging on my cell bars. I quickly climbed out of my bunk and walked over to see what the commotion was about.

"You're getting a new cellmate, Way." Said the familiar voice of Bobby, one of the nicer guys who helps run this place.

I groaned loudly. I was kinda hoping I wouldn't have to share my cell with anyone else again. I sure hoped this guy wasn't going to be a prick.

"Oh, come on. It'll be fine."
I scratched my nose and hesitated a moment before I spoke. "Fine. I'll deal with it. When will he be here?"
"Tomorrow morning. I wanted to give ya a heads up in case you were out of your cell when he arrived. Don't need to be getting off on the wrong foot."

I mumbled a thanks before Bobby finally let me be. I plopped back onto my bed and rolled over onto my side and fell asleep.

****
I was awoken by Bobby around 9:00 the next morning. My new cellmate was here I assumed. I lazily rolled out of bed, walked over to my tiny sink, picked up my black comb to comb the bed head from my hair. I didn't exactly want to scare off the new guy.

A few moments later, when Bobby returned after disappearing for a couple minutes. I guess he went to collect the new guy. I don't know.

"Home sweet home." I heard Bobby say as I turned around from where I was still standing.
Just then a short man in an orange suit, like every single person in here was wearing, appeared inside of my cell. My eyes just about popped out of my skull. He was not what I was expecting at all. He looked so young and you could clearly see the scorpion tattooed on his neck.

"This is Frank Iero. Frank, this is Gerard Way. You better get well acquainted since you'll be spending a lot of time together."

I stupidly waved at him. I was taken aback from this man. He didn't look like the rest of the criminals at all...well neither did I.

"Hey." Is all Frank said to me. He must've been nervous.

Bobby shut and locked the cell door and walked away, leaving us by ourselves. I crawled into the bottom bunk while Frank awkwardly stood in front of the cell door.

"Well, are you gonna stand there all day?' I jokingly asked him.

He shook his head. "No, no. I suppose not."
Then Frank sat down on the hard concrete with his back leaning against the wall.
"Sooo....what are you in for?"
"I'm not telling you." I hastily replied.
"Why? Is it that bad?"
"I just don't see how what I did to get myself locked up in here is anyone's business but my own."
Frank sighed. "Fine. Whatever."

Already, we weren't off to a great start, but I didn't care. I wasn't here to make friends now was I?

****
Hours went by and I was now playing cards with 3 other inmates, Billie, Mike, and Tre. Billie was clearly cheating. I was getting frustrated. He won the last 4 hands. We were playing Poker. As a matter of fact, they all cheat at cards. I became fed up with his constant winning so I scraped my chair back and walked away from the table and decided to go lift weights instead.

When I got over to the fitness area I couldn't believe what I saw. My cellmate had a frilly pink tutu on and there were a bunch of other men gathered around him. From what I saw, they were making him do push-up in that thing. I shook my head in disgust and left immediately. Why the heck would you make someone do push-ups in drag was beyond me.

The bell rang and it was time to go back to our cells. Thank God. I way lying in my bed reading a comic book. Yes, a comic book. A Spiderman comic to be a little more precise.

Frank was pretty humiliated from the events that took place in the recreational room I thought because he hasn't said one word to me yet, not that I wanted him to. I like to keep to myself so the less interaction I have with others, the better.

Tired of the uncomfortable silence, I determined we should talk. Not tell our whole life stories, but I cannot bear awkward silences. They drive me nuts. So I shut my comic book, tossing it aside before I got up out of my bunk to peek up at Frank.

"So, Frank." I began to say until he glared at me.
"What do you want?"
"To talk of course. Like Bobby told us, we should get ourselves acquainted since we'll be stuck with each other."

Frank sighed at me. I could tell he didn't want to talk to me but I could also tell he wasn't going to ignore me either.

"Alright. Well, talk."
"Hmmm. How old are you, Frank?"
"I'm 22 years old." He replied.
My jaw dropped. He was younger than I thought.
"You?" He turned his head to look at me.
"26 years old."
"Ah, I see." Was all he said."
"You're not much of a talker are you?"
He shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't belong here. I am not like those criminals."
"Well, you are here aren't you? So you must be a criminal."
"I'm not a murderer. Someone who harms another human being is repulsive."

Frank stayed silent. I couldn't help but to wonder what he actually done to get himself imprisoned. I had an idea he wondered the same about me, but I wasn't revealing that to ANYONE. I just wanted to do my sentence and get out.

Frank was clearly finished talking to me so I let him alone. I layed back down in my bunk and started to read another comic book. I had a box of them next to my bunk. Bobby let me keep them. Most people in here would read the Bible or novels. I read books too. But I'm kind of a nerd so I love comic books, which is something you wouldn't really guess by looking at me. I look like I belong in a rock band to tell you the truth.

****
It was Friday, which meant showers. I could not wait. I was really starting to smell and my hair was a greasy mess. How I loved showers. I hated feeling gross and not being able to bathe when I wanted. Whenever I get out of this joint, I think the first thing I'll do is take a nice, long, hot shower.

I strolled my way to the very end of the shower, like I always do. Just when I heard the voice of one of the asshole inmates. He was a bully. He was in for murdering his wife and best friend. They have been cheating together for a year and a half behind his back, I heard. His name is Jared.

"Hey faggot! Don't drop the soap!" He shouted.

What a moron. He was very immature. In no way was I a 'faggot' either. I ignored him and turned my back and began to lather up with a bar of soap until Jared slapped the soap from my hands and laughed.

"You gonna pick that up?" His friend Mark snorted next to him.
I did my best to ignore him but he wouldn't go away, so finally I said something to him in hopes he would listen.

"Leave me the fuck alone, Jared!" I yelled.
Every time that bastard saw me, he always had to harass me and call me names.
"What did you just say to me?!" He balled up his fist and I was damn sure he was just about to drive it right into my face until...
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I quickly spun around. It was Frank!
Jared had a very very angered look on his face now.
"What was that?"
"I said Leave him alone!"
Jared laughed. "You gonna make me shorty?"
All of a sudden Frank screamed out and jumped onto Jared, taking him surprise which knocked him over. Frank was punching and hitting him everywhere.
"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" Other inmates began to chant until Bobby and the prick named Barry barged in, yanking Frank off of Jared, dragging him away.
"Everyone finish up quickly and get back to your cells." Bobby called out.

Jared stood up and shoved me out of the way as he left. I stood there dumbstruck. I couldn't move. I can't believe what just happened. Frank stood up to Jared. But why? He barely talked to me and did something like this? No one ever dared to stick up for me when Jared would call me names and hit me.

When I first got locked up here, Jared called me a Goth looking freak and pummeled my stomach until I vomited all over the place after I called him an ignorant, stupid prick. I took it like a coward each time, but now I think things will be even more of a living nightmare.

****
I haven't seen Frank in two days. Barry lead Frank back to our cell, giving him a swift kick in the ass before shoving him inside and locking the door behind him. Frank kept his head down and nearly collapsed on the floor in tears.

I didn't know what to do. Should I help him? Should I leave him alone? Should I ask what's wrong? I was afraid if I'd ask he would lash out at me. But then Frank looked up right at me with blood shot eyes full of tears.

"T-they did horrible things to me, Gerard" He sobbed.
I knew what that meant. Or so I thought.
I slid out of my bed and kneeled down on the floor looking into eyes. You could sense his fear and he was trembling. He had a gigantic bruise on his left cheek and a black eye on the right side.

"What did they do to you?" I asked in the softest voice I could find.
"Well, they dragged me away to a room and Barry just kept kicking me and kicking me. He kicked my face too which is why I got the bruises. He left me alone after a while. I was crying uncontrollably. When he got back, he reeked of alcohol and he forced me to...to.."

My mouth hung open and I struggled to form a sentence. "What did he make you do, Frank?"
Frank sobbed some more and finally answered. "He forced me on my knees and he unbuckled his jeans and forced my head down to his crotch. He said "suck it", yanking me by my hair and forcing my head closer to his crotch. I had no choice. I had to do it. It was awful!"

Frank cried even harder now. I couldn't believe my ears. That fucking bastard!

I don't know what possessed me to do this but, I yanked Frank towards me and hugged him tightly, rubbing his back in a soothing manner telling him too shh and that it's over. Frank clung to me, his tears leaving wet spots on my ugly orange suit.

What happened next, was unbelievable. Once Frank calmed down and finally stopped crying, he wiped his tears dry with one of his sleeves. Next, he turned to me, blinked and it all happened so fast I didn't have time to react! He kissed me! I shoved him off me as soon as I realized what he was doing.

"I can't! I don't like men. I can't do this!"
Frank stared at me with wide eyes. "Oh my God. I-I'm so sorry!"
"I-it's okay Just leave me alone.."

Right then it started to make sense to me. Frank must be gay! That must be why he attacked Jared like he did.

I avoided Frank for the rest of the night. He tried apologizing to me again but I didn't want to say a word to him. I tried to be nice and comfort him and he dared to kiss me! I'm not gay! I have a girlfriend on the outside to be honest. We've been together for two years before I was put in here.

I haven't really said a word to Frank since the incident. It's been a week. It dawned on me that I couldn't ignore Frank forever but what if he tried to kiss me again? I am a straight ma. I got to make a phone call and called my girlfriend. Her name is Lindsey.

"Hey babe! I miss you so much." I almost shouted into the phone.
She didn't sound as happy to hear from me.
"Is something wrong?"
Lindsey let out a sad sounding sigh. "Look Gerard, I don't know how long I'll be able to wait for you..I mean you told me yourself you can be locked up up to two years and I need someone here with me. I don't want to wait around forever.."
I frowned as tears started to build. "What are you saying Linds?"
"I cheated on you."
Her words nearly ripped my heart to shreds.
"Who was it?"
"That doesn't matter."
"God dammit Lindsey! Just tell me who!"
She began to cry as she spit out the name.
"Mikey."
My girlfriend cheated on me with my own brother!
"I swear to God when I get out of here I'll kill him!" I screamed.
"Calm down! Gerard, it's been happening a lot longer than you think..."
"WHAT?!"
"We've been sleeping together behind your back for the past six months. I'm sorry."

I slammed the phone when I hung up after telling her I hope they are happy and fuck both of them. My rage got my escorted quickly back to my cell. I was furious. I was all alone. My brother and girlfriend betrayed me. I told myself I'll make them both pay.

Frank could sense something was bothering me. He tried to ask if I was okay.

"Leave me alone." Was my my only response.

He shook his head and said nothing else.

****
We were in the showers again. This time Frank was right next to me. Jared left me alone for once but I knew this was rare and once he had the chance he'd make me his target. I figured he wanted to 'behave' because yesterday he got solitary confinement for smacking a guard over the head with his food tray. It was actually kind of funny now that I think about it.

The showers slowly cleared out and Frank and I were left alone again. I never paid much attention before but Frank was covered in tattoos. He even had two birds on his stomach. Frank must have thought I was eying him up or something because he smiled at me and inched closer to me. I backed away until he had me practically pressed up against the shower wall. He was short but damn was he strong. Stronger than he looked for sure.

"It's okay to look, y'know." He whispered to me.
"I was not looking!"
Frank laughed. "Sure sure."
"If I was 'looking' at anything it all, it was your tattoos." I said modestly.
Frank looked down at his tattoos. "Oh. Well there's no shame in that then"
He let go of me and finished washing himself, winked at me and left. I shuttered and got out before a guard would have to drag my ass out.

****
Frank was starting to freak me out. He was getting really touchy with me and would whisper things in my ears. He would always attempt to kiss me but I would back away or go somewhere else when he tried anything.

In the showers or getting changed, I could feel his eyes staring at me so I would go move somewhere else or cover my privates. He seriously has issues. My suspicions of him liking men was getting a lot stronger.

I'm not a homophobe.

Like I said before I'm sort of feminine so why on earth would a feminine man be a homophobe? I just wasn't into other guys.

Frank tried asking me what I was in for again and I refused to tell him again.

"I'll tell you, if you tell me. I promise."
I shook my head. "I told you. I'm not telling you. And it's none of your business!"
"Why? Is it really that bad? Who do you think I'm gonna tell?"

I didn't trust Frank. Why would I tell him anything personal?

Some of us inmates that needed it got hair cuts from the prison stylist. My hair was getting too long and unruly. It was much shorter now. I refused to let him buzz all of my hair. After putting up a fight he agreed to just keep it short. Thank God. I'd look ridiculous.

I was now lifting weights when Jared comes over and starts picking on me, again, causing me to chuck the dumb bells at his head, he ducked and I ended up hitting Bobby in the back instead. I got taken away to solitary confinement for it. It was the first time I got in trouble here. I was sick and tired of Jared thinking he could say and do whatever he wanted and not get in any trouble. Instead, I'd get in trouble for defending myself.

I was sitting with my back up against the cold walk. It was pretty much an empty room. There was nothing in it, not even a window. It's so you don't hurt yourself or anyone when you're locked in there. I was petrified. What if someone comes in and beats me? Or tries to rape me?

None of the sort had happened though and in a matter of hours I was let out. Not to my cell though. I was forced to work out in the yard, cutting grass, picking up leaves, that kind of stuff. Bobby said it would be good for me. Yeah, sure. Usually, you would be assigned jobs to do to keep yourself out of trouble. I didn't mind to be honest. Just as long as Jared didn't come near me then it was all good.

****
I yawned as I walked back into mine and Frank's cell. I hopped on my bed and layed down. My head was pounding. I had such a bad head ache and was thankful I could now get some rest. I jumped when I heard Frank say "Hi Gerard" to me. I was so exhausted I barely noticed him brushing his teeth in the now filthy mirror.

"Yeah hi." I said. I did not want to talk. I always tried avoiding Frank, afraid he'd try to kiss me again or worse. I was almost positive Frank had some infatuation with me. It didn't bother me. Now, Frank wasn't exactly unattractive. I just y'know, don't swing that way.

The more time I spent around Frank, the more I would begin to notice things about him. For example, he has a really nice smile and his eyes; wow. His eyes are gorgeous. Nothing wrong with thinking that right?