Am I Losing Myself?

Jared somehow forced Frank to do push-ups in drag. I called him a sick freak and told Frank to come with me. He wanted to do something to calm down. He asked if I wanted to play Checkers but I rejected the idea because most of the Checkers are lost. So we went back to our cell.

"Thanks for saving me back there, Gee."
"No problem. That guy is really messed up. Why the hell he thinks it's funny to force you to dress like a woman and do push-ups is baffling."

Frank nodded.

I turned on the water in the sink to splash some water on my face. I felt Frank's arms slowly make their way around my waist.

"What are you doing?"
"Shh. It's okay."

I hesitantly turned around and was about to speak when Frank reached up, placing a finger against my lips.

"Shhhhhh."

I gulped and didn't keep my eyes off of Frank. He leaned up and tried to kiss my lips but of course I wasn't having it.

"I can't." I managed to sputter out.
"Why not? What is so bad about this? I know you want it as much as I do. I can see it your eyes."

He was right.

I was fighting it all this time. I thought this wasn't who I am. But Frank came along and I was seriously questioning my sexuality.

"Fuck it." I said and closed up the gap between Frank and myself.

He got the hint and slowly brought his lips to mine. We kissed tenderly, not nearly as passionate as last time but it got hotter by the minute.

It just felt right. I felt sparks through out out my body. His hands roamed through my hair as I shoved my tongue into his mouth, making him gasp. I did not want this to end.

****
It was a month later and I have came to the conclusion that I have deep feelings for Frank. It makes no sense to me. I still haven't told Frank what got me in here. He hasn't told me either. That's going to change. I think I can trust him now. He's not going to like what he hears.

"Frank, we need to talk."
Frank poked his head down from his bunk. "What is it?"
"You wanna know what brought me here?"
Frank hopped off his bunk making a thud and sat on my bunk. "Tell meeee."
I sighed. I didn't really want to tell him but I figured it would be better if he heard it from me and not someone else.

"I'm a bad man, Frank." I sat up and rested my back against the wall.

Frank didn't respond but his expression told me to go on with it anyway. So I did.

"I'm a killer. I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man. I was at a restaurant meeting up with two guys I owed money to. Before the meeting, they told me I better have the $10,000 by then or he'd kill me. I didn't have the money. So once I told them I didn't have it, obviously without thinking he pulled out a gun to shoot me right there, but you see, I always carried a knife with me just in case, and without thinking either, I stabbed him and his 'partner'. Long story short, here I am."

The shock on his face was enough evidence. He couldn't believe my words. I'm sure now he hated my guts.

"I told you, Frank. You even told me before you don't like people like me. I'm worse than those criminals. If you don't want to bother with me anymore, I understand."

Frank's facial expression didn't change. Finally he sighed. and got as far away from me as possible.

And for three weeks we barely said a word to each other. I was about to find out why he reacted the way he did.

It was around 7:00 P.M. and Frank decided to talk to me.

"Gerard, we need to talk. Now."
"Alright.."
"I have told you a while ago that I found people who harm other people repulsive remember?"
I nodded my head. "Yeah, that's sort of hard to forget.."
"The statement is still true. I'm no saint either. But what hurt the most hearing about what you've done is the fact that..."

He stopped mid sentence and I blinked at him waiting for him to finish his sentence.

"I like you Gerard okay? I thought you were beautiful ever since the moment I saw you. But I thought it was stupid to think such a thing since we are both in prison. I mean who gets feelings for their cellmates?!"

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I liked him back too but I felt as though I ruined everything revealing what I have done to someone who hates people who kill. And that's what I was. A killer.

Frank rested his hand on my thigh, tears obviously forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I just can't be involved with someone like that."
Now tears pricked at my eyes. "Frank. I have done something horrible, yes. I'll never forgive myself for doing it either, but that is not 100 % of who I am. I did something stupid. All I think of myself is now is that I am a killer. A very bad man."
Frank wiped away his tears with his right hand. "Perhaps, I was a little too harsh. I mean from what you have told me, they were gonna pull a gun on you, and to save your life, you killed them.."
"Yeah, but only one had a gun. I didn't need to kill the other. I should have just ducked and ran but I panicked."
Frank moved closer to me. "How long have you got til you're supposed to be out?"
"Eh give or take, 2 years."
"That's all?"
"Yeah, you see the thing is, they lessened it because I have depression and they determined I couldn't have been too stable when I did what I did. I spent some time in a mental facility before they brought me here."
"Oh shit. Are you serious?"
I nodded again. "I kid you not. I was in there for 4 years and they said I had to do some time here for the crime I committed."
Frank looked at me in shock. "You were only 22 when you did this? My age now?!"
"Yeah...it was crazy."

"You know what, Gerard? I'm gonna tell you what I did to get myself here. It's pretty messed up as well. But I helped cover up a murder. My best friend at the time was an alcoholic and he and his boyfriend were always arguing and one day he took it too far. He somehow had it set in his head that his boyfriend was cheating on him and he was beyond trashed and stabbed him with a broken beer bottle. He died instantly. We buried him in the woods. I didn't do the killing myself but still I was arrested....and this is why I find murderers repulsive because even though I didn't do the killing, I still feel as if I am one."

I pulled Frank into a hug letting him letting him cry on my shoulder as I rubbed his back.

"You don't hate me?"
Frank picked his head carefully up off my shoulder. "No, Gee. I don't hate you. It just reminded me of something I desperately want to forget. I never could hate you."

Those last few words were enough to make me smile. I was relieved. I was terrified Frank really did hate me but now I understood everything. I reminded him of the horrible thing he had done and bringing up killing just upset him.

I gently rubbed his cheek with my thumb and softly kissed his lips.

He and I were okay, well as okay as two cellmates who have feelings for each other could ever be.