Wishing Well

In the following weeks, I found that "Mr. Way" and "Gerard" were two very different people. It was like he had a persona for a character ha played when he was in class, as if this whole thing was just an acting experience for him.

In class, Mr. Way was normally pretty serious, well put together, and a little humorous at times. He made class worth going to with the way he taught, it was like he knew just how to explain things to where it was understood and the work we were given was easy enough to understand and do well, but hard enough that it was still a challenge. He was very closed off to everyone, when it came to his personal life. He never talked about anything personal at all, especially regarding our friendship.

Now, Gerard, just hanging out with Frank, Lana, and me was so different. He was really laid back and he laughed a lot. He had a way of making people laugh too, he was just good to be around. He had only come by a handful of times so far, but when he did I still tried to stay out of the way, wanting to keep this appropriate. But the bad part about him was that I knew he had a much darker side that he didn't show anyone else. He'd never talked to me about it, aside from when he'd admitted to lying about being hungover, but the way he acted, and the look on his face when he started thinking about something that was obviously not on everyone else's mind, made me feel like something was off. And it was.

During class one morning, Mr. Way came in looking sick, and not just having a cold sick, but really sick. Mentally, physically, everything. There was obviously something very wrong, as he struggled through the whole class, and then ended up letting everyone leave early. I wanted to ask him about it, but figured it was probably inappropriate, especially since we were still on school grounds.

At the end of the day, as I was walking to my car, I heard coughing and throwing up behind the green house. I got curious, although watching someone puke made me feel sick myself. "Mr. Way?" I said quietly, making myself disappear behind the building so no one else would see us. "Oh my god are you okay?" I asked.

He was sitting on the ground, a few feet away from vomit, smoking a cigarette. His face was sweating and hands were shaking, it looked like he couldn't even breathe. "I'm good. Go home." He said, trying to blow it all off.

"No, you're not good. What's wrong?" I asked, knowing I was prying, but I didn't care much right then. Something was seriously wrong and he was in no condition to drive himself home.

"I don't want to talk about it." He said, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall on the building.

The way his body shook, the way he was acting and had acted earlier, I'd seen it before, but not on him. I'd seen it on my mother. She was a drug addict when I was young, but luckily she went and got the help she needed and turned out to be the best mother anyone could ask for. But I remembered her shaking, sweaty body on the bathroom floor, puking in the toilet for days. I knew what that was and I knew what it felt like to see someone like that, and it was before me. We was going through withdrawals. "What were you taking?" I asked quietly, but seriously, as I crouched down to his level.

"What?" He asked, opening his eyes and looking at me in horror.

"What drugs are you withdrawaling from?" I asked. I felt like I was interrogating him, and he probably felt the same, but this was serious. Someone needed to help him and I was the only one there at the moment. I knew Frank or someone could take over later, so my goal was just to get him to his house.

"How do you know?" He asked, referring to how I knew it was withdrawal.

"My mom went through it with coke. Now tell me what you're on." I said, not willing to get distracted.

"Heroin." He said, looking like held felt guilty or ashamed.

Reacting with a "What the hell" or an "Oh my god" would have upset him. I knew that from prior experience, and when I'd gone to therapy with my mom a few times they said not to say things that would make her feel guilty because it wouldn't help her recover. So I responded by nodding and saying "Okay. I'll be right back." I left him alone to grab my car. I pulled it up to the green house so no one would see him get in. "Come on, let's get you up." I said as I put his arm around my shoulders to help him up. He was obviously weak and tired from the symptoms. I set him down in the passenger seat and buckled him up, paranoid that someone would see.

I quickly left the parking lot, taking back roads for a while until most of the traffic was gone. "Where do you live?" I asked. After no response I looked over at him. His head was resting against the cold window and his eyes were shut. I'd forgotten about the nausea. He was probably trying not to throw up in my car. "Gerard. Hey." I said as I came to a stop. I touched his arm to get his attention to which he looked over at me finally. "I need to know where to take you."

"I.. I'm.." He struggled, closing his eyes again. He suddenly flung the door open, ripped off his seat belt and and jumped out of the car, which was thankfully stopped. I thought he was crazy until I heard him throwing up in the ditch.

I got out of the car and helped him up once he was done. He looked miserable and he smelled terrible. I felt awful for him. "Hold on." I said as I went back to my car and got some make up remover wipes. It was all I had and I was oping to get the puke out of his hair. I took one out and wiped the end of his hair off. There wasn't much there but even the smallest amount would make a car smell bad. I pushed his hair back out of his face and wiped the sweat from his face with another wipe. His face felt hot and his cheeks were red, probably from being so sick. I got him back in the car and he was looking a little better, though I could tell he didn't want the car to start moving again. I put the cold air on and pointed it toward him to help with the nausea and let him rest for a minute before driving again. "I'm going to take you home with me for now okay? I'll have Frank take you home. Is that alright?" I asked, knowing I wasn't going to get good drivig directions from him.

"Yeah." I said, eyes closed and breathing heavy. A few minutes down the road he opened his eyes and looked over at me.

I could feel his eyes on me, so I asked "Yes?" Without trying to be rude.

"Can I smoke in here?" He asked, though it didn't seem like that was his first choice of words.

I nodded and rolled his window down a bit to let the smoke out. As he lit up in cigarette I couldn't help but notice how oddly attractive he was. Again. He had this way about him, like even though he was sick as hell and smelled really bad and sweaty, he still looked incredible. His hair was still pushed back and sweat slowly dripped down his face, one little sparkling drop at a time. He looked picture perfect and it was incredibly strange to me. I hadn't ever looked at someone like that, probably not even Ben.

When we got to my dorm I was lucky to find that Lana wasn't there for once. I really didn't want to just pop in with him like that. I helped him up the stairs and laid him down on my couch. I gave him a blanket and turned the TV on, but kept it quiet.

Gerard took his shoes off and rolled to his side on the couch, curling up in a ball. I felt nervous, taking care of him alone. I was afraid he'd drown himself if he fell asleep and threw up, so I made sure to keep an eye on him. I went to the kitchen, mostly to get away from Gerard while I called Lana.

"Hello?" She answered, in a chipper mood.

"I need help." I said, cutting right to the point.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" She asked, suddenly very concerned.

"I'm fine. It's Gerard. He's on our couch right now withdrawaling from heroin." I said, hoping she'd know what to do. I'd seen my mother go through this but I was never really the one to help her as I was only a kid. I felt a little lost and confused. "Can you come home? And bring Frank with you? I was going to take Gerard to his place but I have no idea where he lives and he wasn't being the most articulate person ever."

"Yeah. I'll be there in 10." She said, hanging up abruptly. She must have been worried.

I went back into the living room where Gerard was puking again in the bucket I put next to the couch. Well, it was a lot of dry heaving and a small amount of puking, he'd must have thrown everything up by now. "Are you okay?" I asked as he laid back after wiping his mouth off with a napkin form the stack I'd set on the table for him.

"I'll be fine. I've been through this a few times." He admitted, although for some reason I was surprised to hear it.

"How have you gotten through it before?" I asked, hoping he could help me help him.

"I took more heroin when it got too bad." He said, shrugging. Obviously this had been an ongoing battle for a while. I couldn't even imagine how he'd gone to class every day and hung out with people and functioned normally this whole time on drugs. I would have never guessed. He was good at acting alright.

"Is that what you're going to do this time?" I really wanted him to say no but I knew I had to prepare myself for a yes.

"I hope not. It was actually intentional this time." He smiled, almost proud of himself. "Normally I just can't afford it anymore and have to stop."

"But you want to quit now? Why?" I asked, knowing that if I could keep him talking he would be distracted form the symptoms for a while.

"I'm just done with it. I'm tired of being so fake around everyone. I want a real life, a life that isn't covered up by being high." He looked so determined, I really believed him, even though when addicts say things like that it normally isn't true.

"Are you going to go to rehab?" I asked, a little afraid. I really didn't want him to leave but if he had to I would have understood.

"Hell no. The first 3 days are the worst. If I can get through these next few days, I can do the rest. I only ever go back because I can't deal with the withdrawal." I liked his honesty, and it really did feel honest. I didn't doubt him at all.

"So what makes this different? How are you going to deal with it this time?" I felt like his heart was in the right pace but his will would fade after a few more hours of feeling terribly.

"I don't know yet. Hopefully I'll just be able to shut the world out for a few days while I get myself under control again." His face turned white and he started dry heaving again.

Suddenly, the door flew opened and an angry Frank stormed in. "Again, Gerard? You're doing this to me again?" He said, though his anger surprised me. Wasn't quitting drugs a good thing?

"Look man, I'm sorry. It's real this time." Gerard assured, though Frank wasn't buying it.

"Yeah sure. Well when you're high again in two days don't come to me about it. This is the last time. You either die from this shit or you get over it. Now. I'm tired of the roller coasters. You are my best friend, do you get that?" He lectured, close to his face now. I couldn't believe the behavior, though I could somewhat understand why he was so upset.

"Frank. I get it okay? Just help me through the next few days, okay? After that I'll be golden." He promised.

"Gerard, the initial withdrawal is only the first part! This is a huge addiction man! You aren't going to be over it after the symptoms stop. You're going to be depressed, anxious, craving it again. I don't know why you think this is going to be so damn simple." I knew he was just trying to prepare him for what was to come, but he seemed so insensitive. This was the part where he should have been encouraging him, not lecturing him.

"You know what? Whatever, I don't need your help then. I'll do it alone." He said, getting up from the couch. He seemed incredibly angry but he still looked so weak and tired. His body still shook, especially his hands, but he did his best to push passed it.

"Where the hell are you going? You can't do this by yourself." Frank said, roughly grabbing Gerard's arm to stop him from leaving. "Sit the hell down, you can't go anywhere alone right now." He shoved him onto the couch again, accidentally hitting Gerard's head on the wall.

"Be careful with him!" I blurted out, not really even meaning to. I was fed up with the hostility, I'd called Frank so he could help me take care of Gerard, not so he could make him feel worse.

"Look, I'm sorry." Frank sighed, trying to relax. "I know this isn't helping but I'm just tired of seeing him like this." He explained to me. "Let's get you home." He said, helping Gerard up off the couch. "Thanks Ashley. I'll see you later."

"Well, keep me updated, okay? Let me know how he's doing." I didn't really want to seem too concerned as I wasn't sure how appropriate it was, but I was worried, and I was hoping this was good enough reason to be, even if it was just a student helping her teacher.

"I will. See ya." Frank waved and shuffled out the door.

"Thank you Ashley." Gerard said, leaning in the door way. "I'll see you soon." He followed Frank and Lana shut the door behind him.

"You like him." She immediately accused.

"Lana, that's terrible. Stop it." I said, cheeks getting hotter.

"It's true! I can see it. You like him, even if it is wrong." She laughed, though I didn't understand how she could be laughing after what just happened.

"There's nothing romantic there. At all. For either of us. We'd be in a lot of trouble, and he's a lot older than me, so just drop it, okay?" I tried to walk passed her but she stopped me by stepping directly in my way.

"I'll let it go for now, but this isn't over." She giggled.

"Stop it. We are just friends." I shoved by her and went into my room, beyond irritated. I thought I was irritated because of her ridiculous accusations, but deep down I was only irritated because I knew she was right. I did like him. And it wasn't just because he was inhumanly attractive, although it definitely helped. He was so sweet and fun to be around, smart too. And he had this funny, dorky side to him that loved science fiction and comics. He was terribly charming, who wouldn't be interested? But she was very right. It was wrong. He was older, and not to mention my teacher. He'd loose his job, I'd be expelled. I knew I was thinking too much into it as he'd never be stupid enough to be romantic with a student, but I could dream, right? And if I did have that kind of chance with him I didn't even know if I'd take it as it came along with such risks and consequences.

I waited until about 10 at night before I wrote an email to Gerard.

"Hey. Just checking up on you, Frank hasn't messaged me yet. How are you doing?"

After about 20 minutes an email came through in response to the one I'd sent.

"I'd be much better if I were high right now." I knew this was nothing to laugh at, but the response was so blunt and honest I had to chuckle.

"Sorry to hear that. But hey, this is a good thing. You're doing great." I wanted to give him as much encouragement as possible, as I wasn't sure if Frank was doing that.

"Thanks Ash. I think I need some thing more positive right now. Frank isn't too happy with me still." I was a little surprised to hear that. I couldn't understand it, Gerard was doing something good for himself, he was trying to let go of the addiction and Frank could only be angry. I did understand that him doing drugs probably really hurt Frank, especially after going back after quitting so many times, but why not just encourage him and be happy he was trying again?

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked, feeling bad for him. I knew how bad he was probably shaking by now, and by the long pauses in his responses, it must have been hard to even type a simple email. I couldn't help but wonder how many times he had to go back and retype something or fix an easy mistake. I wanted to help, but all I could do was talk to him, and then quickly delete the emails just in case.

"yea leave him alone bye." The response made my heart drop, no one was supposed to see our messages, even though they weren't totally inappropriate. I closed my email, heart still racing, infuriated. I knew it was Frank as he was the only one with Gerard, and I thought it was wrong for him to invade his best friend's privacy.

Generally, I liked Frank, but I didn't like the way he was acing at all. He was unsupportive, rude, and incredibly invasive. I knew that wasn't really who he was, but it was hard to see passed it after everything that had just happened. I just hoped Gerard would get through this and everything would go back to normal soon, but "soon" didn't quite happen so quickly.

Three weeks went by before I saw Gerard again. We had exchanged phone numbers over email so we could text, making it a lot less obvious to Frank. We talked non stop somehow, not even saying goodnight, we'd just fall asleep and then pick up where we left off in the morning. It was probably wildly inappropriate, but we hadn't really talked about anything romantic. The only romantic thing that came up was when he'd asked if I was seeing anyone. Of course I said I wasn't and gave him a brief explanation of what happened to Ben, but I made sure the conversation moved quickly away from there, as I still didn't really want to think about that. But talking to him was so easy, it was almost sad. I hadn't known him too long, only since August and it was October, and being so eager to talk to someone I hadn't known long was strange to me, but I kind of liked it. He was incredibly sweet and funny and he had really been improving. The drugs had stopped, along with his insane craving, and the drinking died down a ton. I was very proud.

Going to class every day was rough, our sub was lazy, he never explained anything very well and his voice was so boring that just thinking about it made me want to fall asleep. I was thrilled when it was announced that Gerard, or well, Mr. Way, would be returning to class, but I definitely wasn't the only one. Everyone seemed relieved by the news.

He was late, as usual, that morning. When he came in, he had a coffee cup in his hand and a smile on his face. He looked so different than last I saw him, so bright and vibrant. He didn't look sick anymore, he looked cleaner, happier, like he could breathe for the first time in who knew how long. I couldn't hep but find this version of him remarkable just to look at, I couldn't wait to talk to him outside of class.

"Hey everyone." He said as he made his way to the center of the room.

A response of "Hell yeah!" and "Finally!" rang through the room.

"I'm sorry I was gone so long, but I'm back for good now." He announced, beaming.

"I heard you were in rehab!" Some asshole in the back blurted out.

"Ha! Wow okay." He started pacing slowly, probably wondering how the hell he was going to answer this. "Well, while this is about, I might as well clear the air." he stopped in the middle of the room again and everyone fell silent, anticipating his story. "I wasn't in rehab, although I should have been. The last three weeks I've been struggling with a lot of things, most of which involved getting off of some hard drugs, like I'm absolutely sure you've heard. My supiriors are aware of this, so it's not some big terrible secret anymore." He paused, looking a bit ashamed, but he seemed determined to keep his good composure. "I am not answering questions about this, and I'm definitely not talking about what drugs I was doing or the details surrounding that, but just know it has all been cleared with the school board and forgiven, and that there won't be any more talk about it after today. If I hear anyone discussing this I'm kicking you out. Clear?"

A round of nods came from the room, although they were disappointed. They all just wanted the juicy details and didn't want to be denied of it.

"Now, someone enlighten me on where the sub left off." He said, changing the subject. Class went on as normal, though he still seemed so bright and full of energy, it was nice seeing him his way, I didn't know it was even possible.

When it was time to go, I stopped at Gerard's desk after everyone left. "Hey." I smiled.

"Hey you." He said, smiling back at me.

"How are you? I know we've talked but I haven't seen you in so long." I said, only after I realized how weird that probably sounded.

"I'm doing so much better. Thank you again, for helping me through that." He sounded genuine and it felt nice to hear those words come from him.

"Oh, don't worry about it, just don't do it again!" I fake lectured. We laughed for a moment before and awkward pause came.

"You know what?" He said, breaking that pause. "Why don't you, me, Frank, and Lana hang out tonight? It's been a while, and I think we could all use the normalcy."

My cheeks flushed red, though I wasn't sure why. It wasn't like this was a date or anything, we used to hang out like this all the time. Maybe it had something to do with how much we'd been talking. I was more nervous about him coming around more than ever. "Sure. Sounds good. Movie at the dorm around 7?" I offered, trying to sound cool.

"I'll be there." He agreed, seemingly calm and collected. "You better get going, you'll be late."

I nodded and waved as I quickly left his room. I had this warm, excitement inside that lasted the whole day. Things were actually looking up for once and I was not ready to look back down.