Wishing Well

Saturday was the most slow and relaxing day I'd had in what seemed like forever. It was nice to not have to be dressed or have make up on and just lounge around all day, but I should have known it was too good to last.

A sudden knock on the door came, I wasn't expecting anyone but I was hoping it was Frank and Gerard. I opened the door and my heart sank, my first instinct was to slam it shut, but I kept my cool, even if the color did completely run from my face. "Ben? What the hell are you doing here?" I asked as my former boyfriend stared me in the face.

"I came to see if you'd want to get dinner." He looked sad and a little worn, but sometimes it was hard to tell what was real with him. He was a great actor and an even better manipulator.

"You came all the way from Virginia to Jersey to see if I wanted dinner?" I didn't believe him, he seemed to be trying to fix things between us, though I didn't know why.

"I was kind of hoping you'd give me the chance to talk things out with you." He shrugged, playing the "feel sorry for me" card. I hated it. I hate him. I just wanted him to go away, even if I did have a small glimmer of care for him.

"Ben, you didn't think being with me was worth the long distance hassle. You said that yourself. What's the difference now?" I felt like I was being cold toward him, but I also thought it was fair. In the last parts of our relationship, and even some in the middle of it, he was cold to me too.

"I just missed you. Come on, let me take you out." He begged, stepping closer to me and leaning up against the door frame.

I backed up a little to open the space between us. "I'm not going anywhere with you, but if you really want to talk about it you can come in." I rolled my eyes, irritated with the whole thing.

"Thanks Ash." He said, following me inside. We sat on opposite couches, tension all too apparent. I crossed my arms and waited for whatever he had to say. knew nothing could make me change my mind about how I felt though. "Look, I'm so sorry for the way I acted when you left. I owe you an explanation." He looked nervous, but I kept quiet. "Through most of our relationship, I wasn't the best boyfriend. I know I ignored you a lot, even avoided you, treated you like you did something wrong. It was awful, and I can't even tell you how sorry I am, but there was a reason for it, and it's what I'm the most sorry about." His sad blue eyes watered and he started to cry. I'd never seen I'm cry and honestly I couldn't believe it. He held his head in his hands for a bit to calm down, but I was really worried.

"Ben, what did you do?" I asked, scared for his answer.

"It's awful, and it took a lot to come tell you so please remember that." He plead. "Ashley, I cheated on you a lot. And I didn't just cheat on you with some random girl, I had sex with your mom." My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe it, but it explained why he was so distant. And the fact that my own mother would do that to me broke my heart, the betrayal from her alone felt crippling.

"How many times did you sleep with her?" I asked, trying to stay calm. He was obviously already upset and I was just kind of glad he told me. I was honestly more upset with my mom at this point.

"More than I can count. I have no idea.. I'm so sorry." He finally got the courage to look me in the eye, and he must have expected more of an explosive reaction by the way he kept begging for forgiveness.

"So is that why when I told you I was coming to school here, you told me it wasn't worth the hassle? Is that why you didn't want to be with me anymore? Was me moving here an excuse for you to get out?" I asked things slowly, even though I wanted to shake him and ask at 100 miles an hour.

"Yeah. That's a good reason why I let you go so easy. You were so good to me and I fucked your mom. I can't believe I did that and I am so sorry. But things with your mom got crazy. She wanted to leave your dad and have me move in with her when you left, and she started making me feel like I was getting trapped by her when honestly I only wanted sex. I didn't want a relationship with her. But you weren't putting out much and it was just more exciting with your mom and-" I stopped his talking by walking up and slapping him in the face. I was honestly incredibly pissed off and hearing him talk about how sex with me was more boring than sex with my mother actually really hurt. All of this really hurt, but I had to somehow try to keep my cool.

I sat back down on my couch and glared at him. "I thank you for coming all the way here to tell me. It was good of you, but I want you to go now. I can't even look at you." I said, turning away from him. When I looked at him I saw a guy I used to think I loved, I saw someone I used to trust and care for, but it was all a lie.

"Whatever you want." He said, standing up. "I'm going to be in town a few days, my flight leaves Wednesday. Just call me if you need anything." I appreciated the gesture, him coming all the way to tell me in person, offering to be there for me, but he was the one that did this to me, him and my mom. And I couldn't stand the sight of him any longer.

"Just go." I said, raising my voice a bit but keeping it under control. I couldn't be happier that I was in the dorm alone.

The moment he left I called my mom in an angry rage. Her cheery "Hi honey!" pissed me off more.

"How fucking dare you." was the first thing I said to her and I knew that she already knew what I was talking about, even though she played dumb.

"Ashley? What is going on?" She asked, concerned.

"You tell me!" I practically yelled.

"Honey, are you feeling okay? I have no idea what you're talking about." Her innocent voice was enough to make me take a flight to Virginia to punch her.

"Don't hand me that shit. You'll never guess who showed up at my door today." I paused, but didn't give her enough time to respond. "Ben! And he came with a pretty heavy confession Mom! Why don't you tell me what he had to say." I wanted to hear it from her. I needed it. I knew it would only make me angry, but she should have been adult enough to say it to me.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Ashley. I haven't heard from Ben since you two broke up." She said, trying to fluff it off.

"Oh really? Before we broke up? Or before you two broke up?" The silence on her end said it all. She was trying to come up with words but nothing came. "Yeah. I know you slept with him. How the hell could you do that to me?" I yelled, starting to get a little teary. "You're my mom! You're supposed to love me and look out for me! Not betray me and my dad and sleep with my boyfriend behind my back. You are disgusting!"

"Honey, he's lying to you! Why would he say that?" She was getting angry, but tried to hide it.

"Are you fucking serious?" I felt like I was about to explode but did my best to keep a lid on it. "Don't you dare lie to me again."

"Fine! Have it your way." She said, snapping. "I slept with Ben and he loved it! He begged me to sleep with him all the time! He said you were boring him! He said you were the least sexy thing he'd ever seen and he only stayed with you to be close to me! Happy?" The words that came from her mouth stung, like bees stinging at your eyes if you could imagine. It was different hearing a similar, though less mean, version of this story come from Ben, it didn't hurt half as much coming from him. But when it came from my mom, it felt like the heaviest burden I'd carried and that I was about to fall. How could she say that to her own daughter?

"You are absolutely sick. I never want to hear from you again, got it? Do not contact ever. Go fuck yourself." I hung up on her before she could say something else to break my heart. Tears started to pour but I refused to give into it. I knew I needed someone who could help me get through this, and I knew who that someone was too, but I was afraid to call him. What if he was busy? Or if he was with Frank or something?

I paced my dorm, probably about 50 times before I finally got the courage to make the call. I held the phone up to my ear and sat through about 5 rings before Gerard's beautiful voice came through with a "Hello?" He sounded a little confused, as I never called him. He must have already known something was up.

"Are you alone?" I asked, trying to calm myself, but I was sure he could hear my sniffles.

"I am. Just grading assignments. Why what's up?" His concern made me feel cared about and I felt like that was the one thing I needed right now. I'd just found out that the one person in the world who is supposed to love you unconditionally didn't care about me because of a guy. Care was something I desperately needed to feel.

"I've just had a hard day." Holding back tears became harder and harder but all I could do was try to keep my shaky voice as steady as possible.

"What happened?" His voice grew worrisome and I could hear him shuffling around in the background.

"I'll tell you later. I just need someone and I don't know where else to turn." I shrugged, even though I knew he couldn't see it.

"I'll be by to pick you up in about 10 minutes okay? Meet me in the parking lot across from your dorm and don't let anyone see you. I'm leaving right now." His voice calmed me slightly, and I was relieved I didn't have to be alone for a while.

"Okay." I answered.

"Okay, make sure you grab a jacket, it's cold out today. I'll be there soon." We hung up and I did exactly as I was told. A thought came to the back of my mind about my appearance. I knew I looked a mess but I almost didn't care enough to fix it. I had bigger things on my plate, I just hoped he didn't think I was ugly without the make up on, and those weren't normal thoughts for me. The fact that Ben thought I was boring in bed seemed to already be taking a toll on me. It created an anxiety about my appearance, romance, and especially sex. My head was reeling with all of this and I could barely think straight. I felt like I couldn't breathe, but when I saw Gerard's car outside, across the street, I regained my composure, grabbed the sweater he'd bought for me, and jogged out to his car.

I quickly got in the car after making sure no one was around and did a quick glance over all the windows of the dorms to make sure no one was looking. I didn't see anyone and took a big sigh of relief when I got in the car. "You okay princess?" He asked as he backed out of the parking lot and onto the street.

"I don't know. Where are we going?" I asked, not really sure of a safe place other than the cabin, but it was way too cold for that, the walk through the woods would have been agonizing.

"My place. I rent a house with Ray but he's not going to be back until Sunday night. He's seeing his parents this weekend." he explained. He lit up a cigarette and rolled down his window a little to let the smoke out. The cold air felt kind of nice on my face, that was burning hot and probably red form the tears. I laid my head back on the head rest, trying to relax. I had to keep reminding myself that I was safe, and nothing bad could happen while I was with him. Even if it wasn't true, it made me feel better, and I really did feel safe with him.

"Okay." I said, almost in a whisper.

After about 10 minutes we pulled into the driveway of a nicer looking house. The outside was white and had a porch with a swing. He lead me in the house that was pretty open and spacey. It was a two bedroom and had a furnished basement hat he'd turned into a mini recording studio. It was a nice place, and I was a little surprised he could afford rent there. He took my into the living room and had me sit down on his recliner, which was super comfy and soft. He went in the kitchen and brought back some hot cider with cinnamon and set it on the table next to me. He sat on the couch closest to the recliner and waited for me to take a few sips of my drink before he started talking. "Can you tell me what happened Lulu?" He reached over and pushed a piece of hair from my face, grazing his thumb across my cheek.

I sighed and told him the whole story, doing my best to stay cool, but I ended up sobbing and at some point he'd picked me up and set me on his lap and hugged me until I was able to collect myself.

After a long lapse of silence, I looked up at him with gratitude. "I'm sorry I put all this on you." I apologized, feeling bad for making him sit through all this. I certainly didn't want to scare him away.

"It's totally fine. I'm glad you came to me. Do you feel any better?" He was obviously concerned, but kept very calm, which helped me keep calm.

"Actually, yeah. A little bit." I nodded. It felt good telling someone, saying it all out loud. I needed to tell someone to fully wrap my brain around what was going on. I knew this kind of thing wasn't totally uncommon, when a girl finds out her ex cheated, but cheating with my own mother was a whole new level, though that wasn't totally unheard of either. It was sad, because it was a betrayal from both of them, especially my mom. It was hard to face, and I knew it would be harder to live with for a while, but over time I needed to start coming to terms with it.

"Good. Well, while you're here, do you want to eat?" Had I known the future, I would have screamed "No way!" And ran out the front door, but I didn't, so I stupidly agreed.

Gerard quickly made up tacos for us and set the table. We sat down and he actually ended up making me laugh a few times, despite my bad mood. We stayed off the subject that I'd come to him about, probably because he didn't want to upset me again, nor did I want to get upset again. But about halfway through our dinner, we heard the front door open and shut, and before either of us had a chance to react, Ray stood before us at the table, looking confused as ever.

"Uh, hey guys." He said, slowly. He was trying to figure out a reason as to why I would possibly be eating dinner with Gerard, and there probably weren't a lot of explanations that didn't include an unprofessional relationship between us that we were not allowed to have. "I didn't know you knew Gerard so well outside of school." He implied what we all knew he was thinking, and I felt nothing but terror.

"She was stopping by to see you." Gerard said, quickly, trying to cover it up. "I told her you weren't here, but she came all this way, so I offered her dinner."

Ray looked at Gerard for a long time before nodding, obviously not buying the story. "Sure man." He wasn't being mean or angry about it, honestly he acted like he wanted no part of whatever was going on, but I couldn't let him tell anyone what he saw, especially Frank. But I took this as an opportunity to fix it before it got out of hand, and to do that I could either lie and say I wanted to try another date, or I could tell the truth and hope he'd stay quiet.

"Ray, can I talk to you?" I asked, standing up from my seat. Gerard's face was sheer panic and mine probably was too, but I had to stay cool.

"Sure." He said, walking to the front porch. I followed him out and sat on the swing after he sat down on the steps.

"So I need to be honest with you." I said, clearing my throat. He stayed quiet and let me talk, which was probably better at this point. "Look, we all know you're not stupid and I know you don't believe what Gerard said."

"Sorry, it just seems a little odd." He shrugged. I could tell he was trying to believe it but he was a smart man. He knew better.

"Well you're right. It is a little odd. And there's a reason, but I need to know I can trust you. I'll be 100% honest with you if you promise to not tell a soul. It is so important, please Ray, don't tell anyone." I practically begged. I was sure he already sort of knew, to an extent, what was going on, but I wanted to try to explain myself. It probably looked like I was just sleeping with him in exchange for good grades, but that wasn't the point at all. In fact, I didn't even have an A in his class, I was sitting at a B-. He did me no favors at school, other than the one time he let me not write the essay for being late. He took his job seriously, as I took my education seriously. He wasn't going to let me cheat myself out of class.

I could see the sympathy in his face, though I didn't know why he wasn't disgusted. "I promise. Now explain this." He said lightly.

"Okay. Well obviously I met Gerard at school as my teacher, but Lana is my roommate and she's dating Frank of course and Frank and Gerard are good friends and our dorm became the hang out spot and things got complicated." I paused, trying to figure out what the hell happened in my head. It was such a strange and fast thing and I never talked about it out loud. "We got closer and one thing led to another and the next thing I know I'm meeting him in secret at an abandoned cabin in the middle of nowhere and we're kissing. It's just been a weird, unexpected thing and I know how wrong it is, believe me I do, and I know the risks, and that's why we aren't official, like he's not my boyfriend, but-"

"Slow down." He laughed a bit, to my surprise. "So you meet him in class, hang out with him outside of school, kind of against your will, and you fall in love with him?" He looked amused, but not as if he were taking this as a joke, more like he just couldn't believe what I was saying. Although, I hadn't thought that I was in love with him, it wasn't the first thing on my mind, although it was really what we were looking for all along. We weren't hanging out and not dating to see if we liked each other, we already knew we did, we were doing this to see if we would fall in love with each other. Dating as people who didn't know each other that well was normal, but it wasn't worth the risk for us. It was only worth the risk if we happened to be in love, and I never even realized it until that moment sitting on the swing, even though it should have been obvious. All of this crossed my mind so quickly, but the look on my ace must have given that away when I found Ray apologizing. "I'm sorry, I thought you two were already to that point. I didn't realize you weren't to the love stage yet, just the way you two looked when I walked in, I thought-"

"No! Don't be sorry!" I said, cutting him off this time. "A lot of things just kind of made sense to me just now, so thank you." I was still nervous though, that Ray would tell someone.

"So this is really important to you guys, isn't it? It's not just a bribe for a good grade?" There it was. I was honestly wondering when he'd say it.

"No. We haven't even slept together. We just care about each other. And honestly, I wouldn't even be here, I've actually never been here before now, but I had an awful day, I got some shit news, and I'm really sorry that I got you involved. We kind of just thought you wouldn't be back until much later." I shrugged, figuring I might as well be honest about that too.

"Okay. Well, I guess you can't help who you lov- I mean, care about. This seems to be a whole lot more than a 'we're doing this because it's wrong and that's a turn on' kind of thing. So I promise, I won't tell anyone." He put his hand on my shoulder and I could feel his honesty. I could not believe he was being so understanding.

"Thank you so much. It really means the world to me." I gave him a hug and we made our way back inside. Gerard had finished eating but he looked stressed.

"I won't tell anyone." Ray announced as he walked into the kitchen where Gerard still sat at the table.

"What?" He asked, kind of confused as to whether he actually knew what was going on or not.

"Gerard, I told him everything. He knows what's been going on." I nodded, letting him know that I hadn't covered it up.

"Oh. And you're cool with that? You're not going to say anything?" He stood before his friend in disbelief.

"No man, that's your business, if you care about her then you care about her. But if you guys get in trouble, I knew nothing!" We all laughed and the guys hugged. I could not believe what was happening before my eyes. But this just meant we had to be more careful, not everyone would be so understanding.