Seventeen and Pregnant

How do you cope with the loss of your child? I don't think that you ever do. I think that you just slowly pick up the peices and move on because you have to. Because you have other friends and family that love you and need you. It's like loosing your husband, or a parent. The hole in your heart is there, and will remain there forever, but moving on is the only way to slowly get better.

You will never fully be better but, things will start to get back to normal. I am greatful that I got to spend as much time with him as I did. He was the greatest little boy. He always made me smile. I will never forget him.

It hurts me to see Jimmy so hurt over the loss of his son. Sometimes at night when he tucks Phe in, he lays in bed with her and crys over Ayden. I already have a broken heart...This just breaks my heart even more..

Matt and Brian decided that we all need to just go out tonight so, that's just what we are going to do.

I dropped off Phe at my parents house so that they can watch her for me for the night.

"Oh honey, you look like hell."

Gee thanks mom. How do you think I would look?

"Yea...I haven't been feeling the greatest lately mom. I don't know what it is. I think it's just all the stress with loosing Ayden and trying to take care of Phe."

I kiss Phes head and she runs out back with her pappy.

"Honey, you need to take care of yourself, take vitimins. You need to eat. Even if it's something small."

I listen to her talk to me. I know that she means well, but I just can't help but feel like I need to cry. Things are really hard for me. I am trying to get better, I am trying to get my husband to go back to the studio, I am trying to get my daughter to stop asking about her baby brother because she misses him.

Damn it!

I am healing myself.

"I do eat mom. I gained a few pounds. I am just tired, and trying to make sure that Jimmy is okay. I don't want him to do something stupid mom, like do drugs again. You know how hard that was on me last time."

"I know sweetie. Why don't you head home and get some rest before you go out tonight."

I nod, and hug her. I say hi to my father and by to my daughter and head home. I climb in bed once I get there because I need to get some sleep before going out.

Once again my bed is cold because my husband is sleeping on the floor of Aydens nursery, or in the music room drinking himself stupid.

****

Were at Johnnys bar where we normally go. The smell of beer is really turning my stomach and everytime I take a sip I gag a little. At least Jimmy seems to be enjoying himself.

I excuse myself from the table and run to the bathroom and throw up for the third time today. I rest my head against the toilet bowl making sure that I am finished.

I flush the toilet and wash my face and hands.

I lean against the counter and place a hand on my forhead. I sigh when I realize I really do look like shit.

I try to make myself look normal, well at least presentable and go back out to the guys.

"Hey, babe...you o okay?" Jimmy slurs.

I smile glad that he is starting to feel better and nod my head not wanting to be the downer.

I start rubbing my belly. It's really upset tonight. When I stop and look up Zacky is staring at me with wide eyes.

"What Zee?" he takes a swig of his beer and then he says,

"Are you pregnant again?" I look at him with horror written all over my face.

How could he even think something like that. I just lost my son..I am not about to have another baby right now.

Well, it's not like Jimmy and I weren't having sex...

I guess it's possible.

"I I Um...I don't know zee..."

"Well I mean it would explain why you look so pale, why you feeling nauseaited, why your moody-"

"No..."

I can't be pregnant... I just can't. how the hell am I suppose to deal with this?

How is Jimmy going to handle it if I am?!

I think it's time for me to spend a day with Wednesday and Sabal.