Better Days Are Coming

“… While I search for someone to give the map to, and now I’ve decided to pass it to you, to discover the island of Bum Bum Ba Loo,” Alex could hear his husband say in just the other room. There was a few moments of pure silence, and the younger man could just imagine how the scene was playing out: the book had been closed and set down on Josh’s lap, who’d turned to look down at their wide-eyed daughter as she waited for more. She knew there was none, of course, seeing as how “The Island of Bum Bum Ba Loo” had become one of her favorites, which meant that it was read every single night without fail, but she always found it in her little heart to hope that a sudden expansion had been added in.

After nearly a minute had ticked away without either moving or speaking, Josh would lean down and pucker his lips for a final goodnight kiss… only for both of her little hands to lift and press against his stubbly cheeks.

“Can you read it to me again, papa?” she’d whisper, blue eyes (with deep brown speckles scattered through them) pleading for him to agree.

“Not tonight, princess,” he’d mumble back, his words muffled due to the squishing of his cheeks. “Daddy already told me that he wants me to read him a bedtime story, too. It’s past your bedtime, and it’s almost daddy’s bedtime. What am I gonna do tomorrow if both of my babies are cranky because they didn’t get enough sleep?”

Alex could hear the giggle she let out at that. “Daddy’s not a baby, papa,” she said, much louder than she’d probably intended. She often lost her sense of volume control when she began to get too tired. One second you could barely hear her from inches away, and the next her voice could be heard from down the block. They would know—the neighbors had all brought it up to them at least once each.

“Well, he’s my baby, and you’re our baby, and right now, my babies all need to settle down in bed for the night. I’ll read to you before you have to go to school in the morning, okay? Maybe we could read something different. I think you’re old enough for some chaptered books now. I’ll make sure daddy goes to the store and gets us some to read tomorrow.”

“Promise?” Her voice had dropped again, and Alex couldn’t help but lean a little against the back of the couch in hopes of catching the rest of the conversation.

“I promise… but you gotta go to bed now like a good girl, alright? Come on, give papa a kiss so he can go get daddy tucked into bed, too.”

Alex could imagine her little arms wrapping around his husband’s neck as a quick kiss was exchanged before she snuggled herself back under her covers.

“I love you, papa,” she said as Josh’s footsteps began to pad from the room.

“I love you, too, princess. Get some sleep, alright?” The flick of the light switch could be heard, as could the creaking of the door as it was closed all but completely, and then the light footfalls resumed. Within seconds, the elder was stepping into the living room and flopping onto the opposite end of the couch that his husband was reclining on.

Josh didn’t think twice about reaching out to pull Alex’s legs into his lap, nor did he even realize he’d started to absentmindedly rub at the skin of the younger’s feet as soon as they came into contact with his hands. It was only when Alex reached out to link the fingers of their right hands together did he stop and take in what was happening.

“So I kinda volunteered you for a job tomorrow,” he said in nothing more than a whisper. An apologetic smile was sent before he lifted their tangled limbs and pressed a kiss to his partner’s knuckles.

“I heard,” Alex returned just as quietly.

“I don’t think we’ll need too many or anything. It’d be good to just start her off with a few so that we can see what she likes. Maybe a Tinkerbell book, a Flat Stanley book, and one of those Fudge books. That’d probably take us a month or two to get through. I’m sure you could find a couple other ones that she’d like, but I’m coming up blank right now.”

Alex nodded again before sitting up and crawling his way into his husband’s lap. He didn’t give an explanation as to why he’d made the move, but Josh didn’t have any objections to it. Instead, he used his left arm to wrap around the younger’s back as his right hand found its way under Alex’s shirt to rub at the large scar hidden underneath.

For nearly five minutes, nothing was said between the pair. Nothing needed to be said, not when they could just bask in each other’s company and the innocent touches that caused goosebumps to rise on pale skin.

“I remember when you first told me, y’know.” It was hushed, quieter than a whisper, but it seemed much louder. “You were so scared, remember? Everyone knew but me because you didn’t know what to do. You sat me down, and you looked so worried, and I thought you were going to tell me that you didn’t love me anymore… I don’t know what I would’ve done if that had been the case. I couldn’t imagine life without you. Then you… you gave me even more of a reason to live, y’know? She’s—you’re—both of you are everything I could ever possibly want, and I didn’t actually realize how much you’ve both affected me for the better until recently.

“I didn’t have a purpose before you told me you were pregnant. I only worked to get by, just enough for us to pay the bills so that we didn’t end up on the street. I didn’t have a reason to try to be a better man, and I really didn’t think that would change after she was born. I knew I was going to have to try just a little harder to pay all the new bills and things, but up until the moment when I first held her, I… as soon as I saw you two in that hospital bed together, everything just seemed to click into place. I wasn’t too scared up until that moment. That’s kinda when everything hit me.

“It’s been almost six years since then, and I’m still scared. I’m so scared that if I don’t constantly try harder to be the best husband and father I can be, I’ll lose you. I’m terrified, Alex. I’m fucking afraid out of my mind that I’m not giving you everything that you need, and I’m trying so fucking hard to be the best man I can possibly be. I want to give you the world, and that’s impossible to do when you are my world. More than ten years I’ve been with you, and even if I could hardly qualify as a man for those first four or so, I’m doing everything I can now to make sure that you two always have the absolute best.

“I just can’t do it alone anymore. I can’t guess about what you want only to turn around and realize that it’s still not enough. I need you to talk to me like you used to. I need you to know that anything you ever need, I’ll get it for you no matter what it takes. I’m so in love with you, Alex. I’m still so fucking in love with you after all this time. I’m in love with everything you’ve ever given to or done for me, and I’m going to spend every second of my life doing whatever I can to keep you at my side.”

Truthfully, Alex had no idea what was going on or how he was even supposed to reply. It all seemed to be a bit sudden, in his books. It was touching, of course, but what had been the entire speech’s catalyst? The night’s events were replayed over in his mind, as were a few of the prior nights, and he came up empty. They hadn’t had a fight, they hadn’t shown any less affection toward one another, they hadn’t talked any less than normal.

With a sigh, Alex was sitting up a little straighter in his husband’s arms and leaning in for a short peck of the lips.

“I don’t know where any of this is coming from,” he started, leaning their foreheads together and closing his eyes so that he could concentrate on what he was saying. “I’ve always known that you’re the only man for me. I will admit, for a while when we were younger, I didn’t think we were going to work out because you had no ambition. Remember how you proposed just after I told you I was pregnant? Even though I agreed, I was so sure that you were only doing it because you felt like you had to. I didn’t expect us to last, but I loved you so much that I was willing to give marriage a try. Who would’ve thought that almost seven years later, we’d still be together?

“I think that we’re stronger than ever now, Josh. We’re not the star couple or anything, but I do know that we’re perfect for each other. I’m so proud of everything you’ve done for me, for us, for our daughter, and I know that you would give anything for us. I know this already. You’ve come such a long way since when we first became a couple, and I couldn’t be happier to know that you’re mine. Even after all this time, even after lifting us into a position of such financial stability where I know we’ll never have to go without the necessities, even though you could easily have anyone you want, you’re still here with us and I love you for it. I’m still in love with you, too, y’know. That’s not going to change anytime soon, either. You’re kinda stuck with me.”

The sound of soft breathing was all that could be heard in the room for what felt like an eternity before Josh was sighing. “So there’s nothing you need to talk to me about? Nothing at all? I would understand, Alex. I’m here to listen.”

“Really, I have no idea what you’re even talking abo—”

Josh groaned. “I found your note, okay? I found your note, and I’m… Alex, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I doing something wrong? Are you not happy? What can I do to make us better again? Every day this past week I’ve felt sick to my stomach when at work because I don’t know if it’s going to be the day I get the call saying that someone found you and that you didn’t make it. How would I live with that? How would I explain it to her? That her daddy wasn’t happy and had to go on an indefinite vacation? That papa was too sick to go to work anymore? That she needed to go stay with mimi for a little while, until papa got better? I can’t do this without you, but if you need some time to yourself… we can get you help, Al. I’ll take time off work, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. I meant it when I vowed in sickness and in health.”

At the mention of the note, Alex felt a wave of nausea overtake him. He shook his head to reorient himself before moving once again. When the couple was facing each other head on, Alex’s hands pressed themselves against his husband’s cheek in much the same manner their daughter’s had only half an hour prior.

“What do you mean you found my note?” he asked, making sure that eye contact was maintained throughout his question.

“I was looking for the car insurance papers,” Josh mumbled back. “I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but then… I didn’t know how to bring it up, but I feel like I’m running out of time now. I didn’t want to call anyone without talking to you about it first because I figured making a big scene out of it would be unnecessary and make you embarrassed.”

The younger man bit at the inside of his cheek for a moment before pressing a short kiss to his husband’s puckered lips. “I wrote that a long time ago,” he promised. “Before we got married, and before I found out that I was pregnant. I was going through a hard time, and I didn’t want to talk to you about it. I didn’t know who to go to. We weren’t going anywhere as a couple and as individuals, y’know? And I knew I couldn’t just get out of it. Where would I have even gone? If I hadn’t found out I was pregnant when I had, I probably would’ve gone through with something. I didn’t have a definite plan in mind. Probably just whatever was cheapest and the easiest to clean up. But I’m better now, I promise. I can’t remember a time where I’ve been happier with my life. I was young, I was stupid, and I’m so fucking glad that I didn’t make any serious mistakes.”

Josh nodded, but he still didn’t seem all too convinced with what he was being told. Then, Alex got an idea.

“Did you put it back where you found it? Will you go get it for me?”

Even the thought of leaving his husband alone for nothing more than a few moments was unappealing, but as Alex crawled off of the elder’s lap, Josh found himself standing to his feet and leaving the room. When he returned, Alex stood as well and held out his hand to be taken.

Just down the hall, in the kitchen, a large pot was pulled out from where it was kept by the oven before it was being set on the stove. Josh watched on in silence as a lighter was pulled from their junk drawer, and he didn’t hesitate to hand over the folded piece of paper when it was asked of him.

“When I was twenty,” Alex said, not looking back as he set the paper into the pot, “this note was, ironically, like something of a lifeline for me. It was really just kind of like a comfort at the time. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever actually need it, but in case I ever did, it was there. If I ever started to feel like everything was piling up on me, I’d just look at it and then I would feel okay again. Our lives have done a complete one-eighty since then. I have an amazing husband, a gorgeous daughter, and everything I could ever possibly want or need. I don’t need this paper anymore. Whenever I start to feel down, all I have to do is look at the scar on my stomach and the ring on my finger.”

The lighter was clicked on before it was being held down toward the edge of the paper. It took a second for it to actually catch, but when it did, the lighter was placed on the counter and Josh was pulled closer.

“I look back on everything now, and it all sounds so ridiculous. I probably never would’ve thought that I’d come this far. All those stupid ‘it gets better’ things I’d seen were right. Now I don’t wanna miss a second of everything that we have. I don’t wanna miss hearing your different bedtime story voices, and I don’t wanna miss goodnight kisses from either of you, and I don’t wanna miss out on another amazing ten years with the loves of my life.”

Josh wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist and pulled their bodies together as Alex continued to watch the flames lick at the side of the pot. A kiss was pressed to the younger’s shoulder… his neck… his jaw… his cheek… the corner of his mouth…

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed now?” the older man suggested. The bridge of Josh’s nose brushed against Alex’s earlobe before he was kissing there as well. “I’m gonna clean all this up, and then I’ll be up in a minute. Do you want a bedtime story, too?”

Alex let out a small huff of a laugh but nodded his agreement. “I think tonight I wanna hear ‘Love You Forever.’”

“You sure you don’t wanna hear ‘The Island of Bum Bum Ba Loo’ again?” Josh teased as he moved away in favor of bringing the pot with the burning ashes to the kitchen sink.

Alex shook his head as he started his way from the room. “Nah,” he said and turned back to watch his husband grab the sponge and soap to wash out the mess he’d made. He leaned against the doorway as a smile tugged at his lips. “There’ll be plenty more nights to hear it. Besides, no matter how many books we buy her, I know that she’ll only stop loving it the day that I stop loving you.”