Status: 1/1
Slowdance on the Inside
1
"I remember it like it was just yesterday, I was 27 and you were 26 and I had given up on love and you were trying to make me fall in love. You kept telling me, "you're gonna fall for me, Alex, I can see it in your eyes, you're gonna fall for me," and I kept rolling my eyes and hurting you, actually physically hurting you. I would bite you or pinch you every time you told me you loved me, you were covered in bruises by the end of the first week. You swore love at first sight and I reminded you that you needed glasses for a reason.
It was weird to everyone but us, I remember that distinctly, I remember that Rian especially didn't understand. He didn't get why you were so shy around everyone else but you laughed and talked with me like it was me you'd known for years and not him. Again you claimed true love and I claimed anyone would rather talk to me than Rian. Either way people were weirded out, from the first night you introduced yourself to me, Jack was leaning over to whisper in my ear that you didn't do that often and at first I didn't believe it. At first I thought because you were so funny and cute and confident with me that, that must have been how you were with everyone but then I saw you at that diner you and Rian ate lunch at every Sunday and I decided to see for myself just how awkward you really were. I sat behind you, I walked right past you and you didn't even notice because you were too busy tripping over your words as you tried to order a BLT and coke. Rian ended up placing the order for you and for the rest of the meal you didn't say more than five words, I counted.
Seeing you like that sort of made me take you a little more seriously when you said you loved me, that you'd never been happier than when you were with me. But it didn't change the fact that I still didn't believe in love and sometimes it only made me angrier because it scared me. All I'd known before you was heartache and disappointment and I was terrified that I would be that for you. I was terrified that love could only hurt us and I didn't want you to lose me as much as I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to hurt you because I'd seen what you meant and I knew someone as perfect as you deserved someone to make them feel happy and comfortable with themselves and I didn't know if I could be that person if love was involved. Love only ever hurt me and those around me and I never wanted anything to hurt you so I tried my hardest not to love you.
I tried my hardest not to love you and you tried your hardest to make me love you. Jack said it was like the worst game of tug of war he'd ever seen, both sides crying and screaming and refusing to let go of the rope because it was the only thing keeping them connected. I don't who would have won if you wouldn't have took me out to that fancy restaurant for your own birthday but I'm glad I don't know because that was one of the best nights of my life.
The restaurant was way too fancy, I yelled at you the whole way there that it was stupid for you to be spending that kind of money when you lived on a shitty fourth grade teacher's salary. If I would have had it my way we would have stayed home and cuddled while we ate cake from a pan and binge watched Columbo on Netflix. But it was your birthday and you said that meant doing what made you happy and what made you happy was pretending that I loved you and showing me off to the world. I bit your shoulder through your best dress shirt for saying that but you just grinned and called me your beautiful vampire boy.
The restaurant had a dance floor and it was more crowded than I expected, mostly with couples at least 10 years older than us but that didn't change anything, I still wanted to dance. For a few minutes you pretended not to notice me staring at you and then your cheeks turned bright red and I knew you were going to cave and I felt sort of bad. Being with me made you a little more comfortable but I knew crowds still weren't really your thing and I'd never seen you dance before in the whole year we'd been together. With red cheeks and a slightly more timid voice than usual you got up and held your hand out for me and I laughed and said we didn't have to if you didn't want to. For once I relented and tried to be courteous because it was your birthday and because while I refused to say it in the form of I love you, I did care about you a lot. I remember your cheeks turning an even darker shade of uncomfortable but watching a deceptive smile stretch across your face as if there was nothing more you'd rather have been doing than dancing with me.
"I won't beg," you said and my eyes tried not to shine with delight but from the way you laughed at me I don't think it worked. By the time we got to the dance floor they were playing a slow song and I very mistakenly thought that would make it easier for you. I assumed everyone knew how to slow dance but one look at your panic stricken face was enough to tell me that I was wrong. Your hands settled just under my ribs and you held me like I was made of paper and would disintegrate at the slightest mishap. You looked so helpless that I couldn't help but laugh and you blushed more but laughed with me, quietly telling me that it wasn't at all proper for me to be laughing at you on your birthday. I agreed and tried my best to stop giggling as I helped you out and placed your hands on my hips and wrapped my arms around your neck. Again I thought it would be easier from there and again I was wrong.
I could see you staring at our feet and for a second I thought it was just you being shy but then I was gasping in pain as you crushed my foot and I realized you were the worst thing to ever happen to a dance floor. Your eyes shot up to meet mine and when you took your eyes off your feet they somehow tangled with my own and we almost toppled over in front of the whole restaurant. It was mortifying to you, I could tell by the look on your face, but you didn't let go of me and that was the sole thing that kept me from sinking my teeth into your shoulder and getting you back for my throbbing toes.
"Zachary," I growled a little, my voice only softening because of the genuine uncertainty in your eyes. My heart did the small back flip it tended to do whenever you looked at me with your stupidly innocent eyes and I couldn't bring myself to scold you. Instead I asked if you'd ever danced with anyone before and shook my head when you sarcastically asked what I thought the answer to that might be. Your cheeks were still bright red and your breathing was a little ragged as if you were worn out from crushing my feet and refusing to hold my hips with any sort of grip at all but you didn't get cross with me the way I would have with you. You stood still in the middle of a sea of people I knew made you uncomfortable and listened carefully to my instructions.
"As always, I'll take care of you and make sure my sweet baby boy doesn't look like a doofus," I laughed doing my best to get you to relax some and switching our hands around because you seemed incapable of holding my hips. You still seemed more nervous than usual but once your hands were around my neck things got the tiniest bit better for you.
"All you need to do is move from side to side," I instructed. "Focus on me and just copy my movements, if you look at your feet you'll over think it and crush my foot again and if that happens I swear I'll break up with you."
Your face got way too serious and you nodded, keeping your eyes locked on mine as we began to sway to the song that was halfway finished by then. For the next minute I don't think you blinked once, your eyes stayed focused on mine and your expression remained stoic and then something happened and you were halfway falling over again. To this day I have no idea how I kept you upright, you were so much stronger than me, but I did and I laughed and you whimpered and I pulled you in closer and whispered that maybe we needed to take movement out of it completely. For a few seconds you were too scared and embarrassed to reply but then you were giggling against my chest and swaying very slowly from side to side with me. Towards the end of the song I tried to get you to move your feet again and you crushed my toes for a second time and your face turned more red again and I just shook my head.
"If you didn't know how to dance then why'd you take me here?"
"Because I know you like to dance and I wanted to make you happy, it was my birthday wish," you beamed at me like I'd never yelled and screamed and hurt you before and I finally believed the words before they even left your mouth. "I love you, Alex."
And I thought about what a bad dancer you were and how awkward and nervous you must have felt and how you didn't care about any of that if it meant making me happy. I thought about the fact that you knew you were making yourself look stupid in front of a room of people you didn't know and for the first time in my life I truly understood what people meant when they said I love you and it wasn't a lie. Love meant that you'd do anything to make me happy and I'd never had that with anyone else but I knew I had it with you and I knew I always would. I still do have it, I can still see the way your eyes lit up the room when I repeated those three words back to you for the first time.
I remember that we never sat down the whole night, I remember you were terrible at it and you hated it but you danced with me all night. I know you haven't forgotten that, I know it's still somewhere in you," Alex felt himself choke up as he stared at his husband of more than fifty years and watched him not respond.
It had been this way for a couple years now but the pain was still sharp and deep each time. He didn't want to believe anything could ever have the strength to take his baby boy from him (because after three kids, five grandchildren, and more than six decades, Zack was still his baby boy) but it was more evident everyday that Alzheimer's was doing exactly that. He'd had to have him put in a home after he kept wandering off and now his once active, healthy, lover spent most of his days lying in bed. It was hard to handle but Zack hadn't stopped dancing with him and Alex would never stop loving him for that.
"I'm gonna go get your lunch now, baby boy," Alex leaned in and kissed Zack's forehead and a small smile stretched across his husband's face.
"I used to know someone just like you," Zack said softly, his face looked sad and confused, his smile fading into a frown as he stared ahead.
"Tell me about him," Alex scooted his chair closer to Zack's bedside and reached for his hand, tears filling his eyes when Zack pulled away. The doctors had warned him that towards the end his husband wouldn't recognize him at all and he didn't know what hurt worse, not being recognized by his best friend in the world or knowing it was getting close to the end. More than anything he wanted to hold out hope and so he he kept prompting Zack to tell him more, silently praying and pleading for one last meaningful conversation. "Tell me more, Zack. Tell me what his name was, do you remember his name?"
Zack's eyebrows knitted together and he studied the blank blue wall in front of him before a grin stretched across his face and he took Alex's hand in his own looking him in the eyes and almost laughing with realization.
"His name was Alex."
It was weird to everyone but us, I remember that distinctly, I remember that Rian especially didn't understand. He didn't get why you were so shy around everyone else but you laughed and talked with me like it was me you'd known for years and not him. Again you claimed true love and I claimed anyone would rather talk to me than Rian. Either way people were weirded out, from the first night you introduced yourself to me, Jack was leaning over to whisper in my ear that you didn't do that often and at first I didn't believe it. At first I thought because you were so funny and cute and confident with me that, that must have been how you were with everyone but then I saw you at that diner you and Rian ate lunch at every Sunday and I decided to see for myself just how awkward you really were. I sat behind you, I walked right past you and you didn't even notice because you were too busy tripping over your words as you tried to order a BLT and coke. Rian ended up placing the order for you and for the rest of the meal you didn't say more than five words, I counted.
Seeing you like that sort of made me take you a little more seriously when you said you loved me, that you'd never been happier than when you were with me. But it didn't change the fact that I still didn't believe in love and sometimes it only made me angrier because it scared me. All I'd known before you was heartache and disappointment and I was terrified that I would be that for you. I was terrified that love could only hurt us and I didn't want you to lose me as much as I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to hurt you because I'd seen what you meant and I knew someone as perfect as you deserved someone to make them feel happy and comfortable with themselves and I didn't know if I could be that person if love was involved. Love only ever hurt me and those around me and I never wanted anything to hurt you so I tried my hardest not to love you.
I tried my hardest not to love you and you tried your hardest to make me love you. Jack said it was like the worst game of tug of war he'd ever seen, both sides crying and screaming and refusing to let go of the rope because it was the only thing keeping them connected. I don't who would have won if you wouldn't have took me out to that fancy restaurant for your own birthday but I'm glad I don't know because that was one of the best nights of my life.
The restaurant was way too fancy, I yelled at you the whole way there that it was stupid for you to be spending that kind of money when you lived on a shitty fourth grade teacher's salary. If I would have had it my way we would have stayed home and cuddled while we ate cake from a pan and binge watched Columbo on Netflix. But it was your birthday and you said that meant doing what made you happy and what made you happy was pretending that I loved you and showing me off to the world. I bit your shoulder through your best dress shirt for saying that but you just grinned and called me your beautiful vampire boy.
The restaurant had a dance floor and it was more crowded than I expected, mostly with couples at least 10 years older than us but that didn't change anything, I still wanted to dance. For a few minutes you pretended not to notice me staring at you and then your cheeks turned bright red and I knew you were going to cave and I felt sort of bad. Being with me made you a little more comfortable but I knew crowds still weren't really your thing and I'd never seen you dance before in the whole year we'd been together. With red cheeks and a slightly more timid voice than usual you got up and held your hand out for me and I laughed and said we didn't have to if you didn't want to. For once I relented and tried to be courteous because it was your birthday and because while I refused to say it in the form of I love you, I did care about you a lot. I remember your cheeks turning an even darker shade of uncomfortable but watching a deceptive smile stretch across your face as if there was nothing more you'd rather have been doing than dancing with me.
"I won't beg," you said and my eyes tried not to shine with delight but from the way you laughed at me I don't think it worked. By the time we got to the dance floor they were playing a slow song and I very mistakenly thought that would make it easier for you. I assumed everyone knew how to slow dance but one look at your panic stricken face was enough to tell me that I was wrong. Your hands settled just under my ribs and you held me like I was made of paper and would disintegrate at the slightest mishap. You looked so helpless that I couldn't help but laugh and you blushed more but laughed with me, quietly telling me that it wasn't at all proper for me to be laughing at you on your birthday. I agreed and tried my best to stop giggling as I helped you out and placed your hands on my hips and wrapped my arms around your neck. Again I thought it would be easier from there and again I was wrong.
I could see you staring at our feet and for a second I thought it was just you being shy but then I was gasping in pain as you crushed my foot and I realized you were the worst thing to ever happen to a dance floor. Your eyes shot up to meet mine and when you took your eyes off your feet they somehow tangled with my own and we almost toppled over in front of the whole restaurant. It was mortifying to you, I could tell by the look on your face, but you didn't let go of me and that was the sole thing that kept me from sinking my teeth into your shoulder and getting you back for my throbbing toes.
"Zachary," I growled a little, my voice only softening because of the genuine uncertainty in your eyes. My heart did the small back flip it tended to do whenever you looked at me with your stupidly innocent eyes and I couldn't bring myself to scold you. Instead I asked if you'd ever danced with anyone before and shook my head when you sarcastically asked what I thought the answer to that might be. Your cheeks were still bright red and your breathing was a little ragged as if you were worn out from crushing my feet and refusing to hold my hips with any sort of grip at all but you didn't get cross with me the way I would have with you. You stood still in the middle of a sea of people I knew made you uncomfortable and listened carefully to my instructions.
"As always, I'll take care of you and make sure my sweet baby boy doesn't look like a doofus," I laughed doing my best to get you to relax some and switching our hands around because you seemed incapable of holding my hips. You still seemed more nervous than usual but once your hands were around my neck things got the tiniest bit better for you.
"All you need to do is move from side to side," I instructed. "Focus on me and just copy my movements, if you look at your feet you'll over think it and crush my foot again and if that happens I swear I'll break up with you."
Your face got way too serious and you nodded, keeping your eyes locked on mine as we began to sway to the song that was halfway finished by then. For the next minute I don't think you blinked once, your eyes stayed focused on mine and your expression remained stoic and then something happened and you were halfway falling over again. To this day I have no idea how I kept you upright, you were so much stronger than me, but I did and I laughed and you whimpered and I pulled you in closer and whispered that maybe we needed to take movement out of it completely. For a few seconds you were too scared and embarrassed to reply but then you were giggling against my chest and swaying very slowly from side to side with me. Towards the end of the song I tried to get you to move your feet again and you crushed my toes for a second time and your face turned more red again and I just shook my head.
"If you didn't know how to dance then why'd you take me here?"
"Because I know you like to dance and I wanted to make you happy, it was my birthday wish," you beamed at me like I'd never yelled and screamed and hurt you before and I finally believed the words before they even left your mouth. "I love you, Alex."
And I thought about what a bad dancer you were and how awkward and nervous you must have felt and how you didn't care about any of that if it meant making me happy. I thought about the fact that you knew you were making yourself look stupid in front of a room of people you didn't know and for the first time in my life I truly understood what people meant when they said I love you and it wasn't a lie. Love meant that you'd do anything to make me happy and I'd never had that with anyone else but I knew I had it with you and I knew I always would. I still do have it, I can still see the way your eyes lit up the room when I repeated those three words back to you for the first time.
I remember that we never sat down the whole night, I remember you were terrible at it and you hated it but you danced with me all night. I know you haven't forgotten that, I know it's still somewhere in you," Alex felt himself choke up as he stared at his husband of more than fifty years and watched him not respond.
It had been this way for a couple years now but the pain was still sharp and deep each time. He didn't want to believe anything could ever have the strength to take his baby boy from him (because after three kids, five grandchildren, and more than six decades, Zack was still his baby boy) but it was more evident everyday that Alzheimer's was doing exactly that. He'd had to have him put in a home after he kept wandering off and now his once active, healthy, lover spent most of his days lying in bed. It was hard to handle but Zack hadn't stopped dancing with him and Alex would never stop loving him for that.
"I'm gonna go get your lunch now, baby boy," Alex leaned in and kissed Zack's forehead and a small smile stretched across his husband's face.
"I used to know someone just like you," Zack said softly, his face looked sad and confused, his smile fading into a frown as he stared ahead.
"Tell me about him," Alex scooted his chair closer to Zack's bedside and reached for his hand, tears filling his eyes when Zack pulled away. The doctors had warned him that towards the end his husband wouldn't recognize him at all and he didn't know what hurt worse, not being recognized by his best friend in the world or knowing it was getting close to the end. More than anything he wanted to hold out hope and so he he kept prompting Zack to tell him more, silently praying and pleading for one last meaningful conversation. "Tell me more, Zack. Tell me what his name was, do you remember his name?"
Zack's eyebrows knitted together and he studied the blank blue wall in front of him before a grin stretched across his face and he took Alex's hand in his own looking him in the eyes and almost laughing with realization.
"His name was Alex."