Cigarette Daydreams

No one tells you that when you grow up the monsters that hid under your bed come back to haunt you in the flesh. Had someone told me that growing up wasn’t all fun and games, I wouldn’t have spent half my childhood wishing to move out already.

Here I am, barely 20 years old and on my second bottle of pills and first bottle of jack. The music on my phone was playing softly in the back ground as I sat up on my rooftop, listening to the waves crash on the beach. Its not like I had a hard life or a rough childhood, I feel like I was put on earth just to see and die. That's it. I’ve been to multiple different countries, climbed many mountains, jumped out of airplanes, and experienced hundreds of music festivals—which was the only thing keeping me alive. Music.

“Erin,” I took another swing of jack. Surely I should of known, Allie, my roommate would find me out here. I watch as he stuck her fire red hair out the window and glare at me not like her 5 foot frame was intimating.

“Alpal,” I murmured sounding way more fucked up than I had planned to get, oh well.

“Erin, I swear! We have class tomorrow, doesn’t that concern you?” I stood up too fast and almost slipped off the roof causing Allie to cuss at me. “Goddammit, Erin!”

“I swear I’m fine,” I picked up the jack and discarded the empty prescription bottle over the side of the five story apartment building. The fact that I couldn’t even remember today was Sunday scared the living hell out of me. I made my way over to where my now fuming best friend held her hand out to me and helped me climb back into the apartment we shared along with our two other best friends.

“Erin, you are not fine. Please talk to me,” she glanced up at me grimacing when she took in my appearance. Weekends were always the worst for me, I just felt so lonely.

“Allie I swear I am fine,” we both knew I was lying. I had been since freshman year when my past I had been running from caught up with me. My eating disorder, my rapist getting engaged and moving next door to my parents, and my grandmother passing away a little over a year ago.

She sighed but helped me to my room, “I worry about you a lot, Erin. You’re my best friend and I hate seeing you like this.” I pulled my shirt off watching the way my ribs poked out of their place and then shrugged out of my skinny jeans taking a little more effort kicking them off. I turned to my concerned roommate, half naked, and smelling like jack.

“If I wasn’t ok I wouldn’t be here,” I told her. She punched me in the arm before pushing me down on my bed.

“That’s not funny.”

I yawned and closed my eyes wishing that I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning.