Cigarette Daydreams

“Why did I do this to myself?” I groaned leaning on Allie’s shoulder trying to paw the Starbucks cup out of her hands.

“Get you own coffee,” she slapped my hands away. “We both know that international relations is only offered at 8am so get your shit together.” I glared at her not wanting to have to deal with my hardest class all semester at 8am.

“Gosh you suck.”

“Oh yeah she does!” Liz popped out of nowhere snagging the once-empty seat next to me.

“What do you mean?” I asked looking over at Allie with a smirk.

“Allie banged that one guy at the bar!” I busted out laughing earning dirty looks from the fellow students around us.

“What guy?” I asked curious and Allie buried her face in her hands.

“Vinny,” She trailed off turning red which caused me to laugh even harder. “You have no room to talk! You came home the next day at one in the afternoon with a shack shirt!”

I raised my hands in defense, “I didn’t sleep with him.”

“Sure you didn’t,” Liz rolled her eyes.

“No I really didn’t. You both know how I feel about the whole random-hook-up scene."

This earned another eye roll from Allie, “yeah, yeah we know your rule, you prude.” I slapped her and just then the professor walked in cutting our conversation short. I looked over at Liz who just smirked over at Allie and I knew this wasn’t the last time I would be having this conversation.



“So I left the end of this session open so we could just talk about what’s on your mind,” Karen looked down at me from under her glasses.

“That’s the thing Karen, lately I haven’t really been feeling anything. Happy or sad.” I crossed my leg to get more confortable.

“What makes you happy?”

“My friends, my family, puppies, baking, and music.” I told her listing out my “top five.”

“Ok well my goal for you is to spend the next week doing a different thing each day that makes you happy.”

“That’s it? Just everyday do something different that makes me happy?” I scoffed. Maybe I should have gone to school to be a therapist.

“Yes Ms. Taylor, the goal of these therapy sessions is to help you find your balance spiritually, emotionally, and physically. To begin this journey of finding your peace you need to learn to regularly do things that make you happy so when you have a bad day or a bad episode you can routinely fall back on doing the things that make you happy verses turning to drugs or alcohol.” I nodded at her because that made sense. I had an issue with not being able to control my emotions so it was probably a good way for me to find an outlet.

“Ok so next week we will just talk about that?”

Karen nodded her head, “and other things. However, right now your hour is up.” She stood ushering me to the door. “I’m so proud of your progress Ms. Taylor.”

I felt a beam of happiness; it has been a while since someone has told me they were proud of me. I walked downstairs and into the parking garage managing to run into my favorite brown-eyed boy. “Are you stalking me?” I laughed walking towards him. He looked up at me smiling, and handed me of the two cups that were in his hand.

“You caught me,” he laughed. “Actually, I have noticed the past two weeks you leave around this time and it just so happens that I typically leave my studio around this time as well.” I nodded taking a sip of the iced dirty chi and internally smiled. He remembered from the coffee house?

“Well I’m a woman on a mission today so I can't stay too long and chat.” His face fell and I immediately felt bad. “Unless you don’t have anything better to do?” I asked and he smiled again.

“I’m all yours!” I headed towards my jeep and he followed. “So where to first?” He looked over at me with that adorable boyish grin and I just about melted. He has a girlfriend.

“The Los Angeles Humane Society.”



“You two are too cute.” The stereotypical crazy animal lady cooed at Alex and I while we were playing with a couple of puppies. I looked at the lady dumbfound because we weren’t even acting like we were a couple.

“Uh it’s not like that,” Alex muttered awkwardly and the lady didn’t even act embarrassed.

“Well you two are cute together. I’ll be at the front desk, let me know when you two are ready to leave.”

“Well that was awkward,” I murmured picking up the runt of the litter and placing her in my lap.

“Eh, I’ve dealt with worse.” He looked over at me and smiled, “why don’t you get her?”

I looked at the ugly looking mutt and smiled. She was a lot like me. She was small yet full of spunk, the other puppies ignored her but she still had fun on her own, and she was all around perfect—but I couldn’t handle a dog right now. Plus I’m pretty sure my landlord would have a cow.

“I can’t get a dog right now!”

“Then why are we here?” He looked at me like I was stupid. Which I probably was for spending the past hour playing with dogs I could never have.

“Honestly, it is apart of my therapy.” He looked confused so I explained to him what Karen had told me. Replace the bad with the good. I needed to remove the craving of addiction with the craving of what makes me happy. Alex looked taken aback and I imminently felt awkward for unloading my problems on him, “I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have told you all that.”

“Don’t feel bad. I’m glad you told me all that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah of course! Like I told you the other night, people say I’m easy to talk to.” I gave him a small smile. “Plus now that I know you aren’t perfect.”

I started laughing, “I am no where near perfect, Alex!”

“Could have fooled me.” I looked at him dumbfounded, is he trying to flirt with me after I unloaded all my problems on him?

“Uh—“ I cleared my throat trying to get rid of the awkward feeling in the room.

“So now that we have one thing checked off the list, what’s next?”

“Friends,” I smiled.

“Well seeing as we just had this very nice heart-to-heart I would consider us the best of friends.” He told me very dramatically. “I say that you let me take you on a trip to the board-walk and we spend the day at the fair.”

I laughed, “Well you drive a very hard bargain, but I accept your offer.”

He threw me a million dollar smile and jumped up grabbing my hand and taking me with him, “Lets go! We can take my car!"



“Allie is going to kill me when she finds out I’m at the board walk!” I exclaimed while taking in all the sights and smells.

Alex looked down at me and smiled. “Have you guys never been?” I spotted cotton candy and dragged him towards it. I pointed towards the largest bag they had and paid for it quickly before Alex could even pull out his wallet. “Hey—“

“Shut up your not paying for my damn cotton candy,” I told him with a warning eye before popping a large chunk in my mouth rather un-attractively. “No, Allie and I have never been.”

Surprise was written all over his face, “how long have you lived in California?”

“Three years, I moved out here for college.”

“Where are you from?”

“South Florida,” I popped another large chuck in my mouth before I saw the ring of fire and let out an embarrassingly high-pinched squeal. “Can we please go on that one?!” I asked resisting the urge to jump up and down like a five-year-old.

“Had I known you like rollercoasters this much I would have taken you to DisneyLand.” My eyes grew wide.

“Don’t play with my emotions Gaskarth.” The words were out before I could stop them and I blushed.

Alex smirked, “You do listen to my band! You know who I am!”

I tried to play it off cool as we walked over to the line for the Ring of Fire, “Yeah I’m pretty positive Allie took me to a concert of yours a few months ago.” I tried to wave him off and he kept pushing.

“So how did you like it?” His tone was light but I could tell that they held a deeper meaning. He was waiting for my approval. Why wasn’t he happy? My opinion didn’t mater and it shouldn’t mater, he had thousands of fans that loved him.

“Well seeing as I had to deal with Allie and her ex making out the entire time on top of the bartender not taking my fake ID and a bunch of obnoxious kids trying to start a mosh pit around me—it wasn’t the worst I’ve been to.” I added a smile and he shook his head with laughter. The ticket guy asked for our tickets and Alex handed them to him. We strapped ourselves in the front row and I was buzzing with excitement. The ride took off and it left me screaming with energy. I felt alive. I felt free.

And with Alex, it felt right.

It was almost eleven when the boardwalk began to slowly shut down. “Are you ready to get something to eat?” Alex asked after we got off our 100th ride of the night, I was a little obsessed with roller coasters. I all about froze when he asked the question, I didn’t like eating in front of anybody, especially cute guys.

“I’m not hungry,” the words slipped out too easy. They always did.

Alex looked at me funny, “You have to be! I’ve been with you all day and all I’ve seen you eat is a quarter of that bag of cotton candy.”

“Yeah and it upset my stomach because now I’m not hungry.” I retorted putting my hands on my hips.

“You have to eat something,” He was starting to cause a scene. I hated scenes more than I hated eating in front of cute guys.

“Alex I’m not fighting you about this,” I sighed running my hands through my long hair. “Can we please go?”

“I just not understand why you wont go eat? First it was you not wanting to get breakfast with Jack and I, now it’s you trying to skip out on dinner. You aren’t like those girls who are afraid to eat in front of guys right?”

“ALEX!” I yelled on the verge of a tears. “I want to go home now.” He didn’t say anything else but he started walking to his car. I struggled to keep up with his long legs and he didn’t seem to notice or care. We made it to his car and he opened to door for me before walking over to his side of the car and climbed in slamming the door. He took a few deep calming breaths before turning over and locking eyes with me.

“I hope you don’t think your fat or anything,” tears started to build up in my eyes and I was praying we weren’t going to have this conversation in the parking lot of a damn fair. “Because you aren’t.” He slammed his hand against the steering wheel, “goddammit you aren’t!” I jumped and he looked back over at me again. “You’re so damn beautiful and you don’t even realize it to you?” It was a rhetorical question but I think he was waiting for an answer from me. “I hope the person that fucked you up burns in hell.” He floored his car in reverse and we drove back to LA in an uncomfortable silence.

An hour or so later we came to a stop off the side of the rode next to the sketchiest looking diner I’ve ever seen. I was about to give Alex some sass but as soon as I laid eyes on him, his expression was telling me to save my breath. So I ran my hands through my hair preparing myself for my internal battle and hopped out of the car. I didn’t want to be around all this greasy food. I didn’t want Alex pressuring me to eat. I just wanted to get back into his very comfy car and sleep until we got back to LA.

“Are you coming?” Alex asked opening the door into the diner waiting for me.

“I guess,” I walked quickly past him and slipped into the first booth I spotted. Alex trailed leisurely behind and as soon as he sat our waitress popped over.

“What can I get yall?” Her southern accent was out of place seeing as we were just a few minutes from the city but in this diner it seemed to suit her. She wasn’t very old, probably her mid-thirties.

“I’ll take a coke,” Alex responded smiling at her.

“What to eat?”

“I want the pancake dinner with bacon, hash browns, and biscuits and gravy.” How was this fucker still skinny?

“And you?” Our waitress asked me.

“Just a coffee, black.”

She frowned, “nothing to eat?” This caused Alex to smirk and I glared at him.

“No thanks.” I handed her my menu and Alex did the same thing.

“Well my name is Alison, if you need anything just yell.” She turned around to put our orders in with the cooks. I glanced around seeing maybe two people other than us in this whole establishment.

“How did you find this place?” I asked Alex. Before he could answer me Alison returned with out drinks smiling. I thanked her and took a sip of my very bitter and very delicious coffee.

“I travel a lot,” He played with the wrapper of his straw. “You learn to look for the hole-in-the-walls because they normally have the best food and crazy fans don’t go in there looking for us.”

I nodded like I understood but I really didn’t. “Sounds nice traveling all the time. Seeing the world. You are living my dream,” I smiled.

“It’s nice sometimes, making music and playing for our amazing fans but you miss out on a lot. I can’t even tell you how many birthdays, anniversaries or even weddings that I’ve missed because I’ve been recording or touring.”

“Do you think you will ever stop?”

He gave me a real big smile, “I sure hope not.”

Alison returned to our table with an arm full of Alex’s food. She set it all down in front of him and I was thankful I didn’t get anything because there probably wouldn’t be enough room on this table for another plate. “When your finish just bring your check up to the register.” She smiled and was gone.

“Think you got enough?” I joked looking over at him with wide-eyes.

“Well I had to since someone didn’t want to eat.” He shot back and I groaned.

“Alex,” I trailed off not wanting to start this again.

“You know you’re fucked up, right?” I was about to start arguing but he continued. “Like I find it ridiculous because you obviously aren’t fat and even if you were, who fucking cares?”

“Alex st—“

“No I’m not done,” he put down his fork staring at me with his beautiful eyes. “I’m fucked up to. I always feel alone no matter whom I surround myself with, I have commitment issues, and sometimes I get frustrated with myself when I don’t know how to handle a situation. So as a fellow fuck up, I say that we try to get over our issues together.”

“Alex.”

“You can’t say no, I’m your ride home.” He smirked threatening me.

I laughed, “We will help each other.” I told him with a nod, “but in a gentile manor. I don’t want you forcing me out of my comfort zone.” I told him with a warning glare and he held out his hand.

“Deal.”

I shook his hand, “Deal.”

Alex finished the rest of his food pretty quickly and he paid Alison thanking her for a wonderful meal. As soon as we were back on the highway I looked over at Alex and thanked him.

“For what?” He asked with a smile trying to steal glances at me without letting his eyes leave the road for too long.

“This day. I had a lot of fun.”

“I did too. You’re a pretty cool chick.” I laughed, “No seriously you are. So what’s next on our list?”

“Huh?” I asked confused.

“We are finishing your list!”

“You don’t have to Alex,” I trailed off.

“But I want to.”

I signed knowing that fighting was futile.

“We finished animals and friends, we still have to baking, family, and music.”

“Can we do baking next?”

“At 11pm?” I asked shocked that anyone wanted sweets that late.

“Yeah! I’ll swing by the store and we can grab what you need and then we can head back to my house to make it.” He told me like it was no big deal. Like it wasn’t almost midnight and that he didn’t have a girlfriend back home.

“It’s a little late for me,” His face dropped and he agreed with me. “We can do it tomorrow?”

“Really?” He asked all excitedly.

“Yes!” I laughed, “I’ll come over after diner and we can make brownies.”

“You cant back out,” He warned.

“I’ll be over at 8 sharp.”

“You promise?” He asked looking over at me.

“I promise.”