Cigarette Daydreams

I woke up naked and alone, with the smell of bacon filling up my room. The events of last night came flooding back to me and I groaned. I slipped out of bed and shrugged on the first large t-shirt I could find and a pair of panties before I made my way to the kitchen. Much to my surprise, Alex was making breakfast and humming alone to a song in his head.

“You’re still here,” I commented smiling.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He turned around and faced me.

“I thought I had scared you away,” I reached over and grabbed a piece of bacon not caring that it was covered in grease.

He frowned, “No you didn’t. You scared me Erin, I’ve never seen you that upset before.”

I shrugged, “I had bad anxiety sometimes.”

“It was that guy that triggered it wasn't it? Do you wanna talk about it?” It wasn’t a question and we both knew it. Alex wanted me to talk about it, with him.

“Not really,” I trailed off and he sighed. “But I will if you want me to.”

“I just want to know what I can do to help. I felt so helpless watching you cry last night, let me in. Let me help,” He had stopped what he was doing on the stove and looked right at me.

“Continue cooking and I will tell you,” I tried to lighten the mood and he smiled.

“Deal.”

“Kyle and I go way back, like when I was fourteen back.” Alex nodded and flipped a pancake. “When I was about fifteen he took advantage me,” I watch Alex stiffen but continue to pour more batter into the pan. “He would continue to take advantage of me for about a year and when that wasn’t good enough he got me hooked onto to drugs.” My voice wavered and I could tell Alex was having a hard time remaining calm and finish cooking the pancakes. “When I tried to report him, no one would listen to me and then he came over to my house and beat the shit out of me—“

Alex whipped around and embraced me with a very hard hug. He was tense and I could feel him gripping and un-gripping his hands in a manner that made me nervous. “I want to fucking kill him.”

“He would continue to hurt me until I left for college. I applied to every school on the West Coast trying to get away from him and then he shows up last night because he is marrying my childhood best friend and I told her I refuse to come to the wedding. How did he find me?” I told him pulling back from the hug while whipping the tears from my eyes.

Alex looked even madder than before, if that was possible. “How long is he in town for?”

“I honestly have no idea, I couldn’t imagine for very long.” I told him honestly. Alex sighed and ran his hands threw his hair.

“You can’t stay here.”

I put my hands on my hip, “I can’t run away from him.”

“What if he tries to hurt you!” He argued back.

“He isn’t that stupid to try something,” I reasoned back.

Alex scoffed, “He look like he was about to hurt you when I showed up last night!”

“What do you want me to do Alex? Stop living my life? I can’t give him that satisfaction.” I looked down and Alex lightly touched my face.

“I can’t lose my best friend. You can stay with me,” He offered and I shook my head.

“I’m not staying there with your girlfriend.”

“Chloe is gone for good.” My head popped up in disbelief.

“What?”

“I broke up with her.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t love her,” he gave me such and intense look. “I think I'm falling in love with someone else.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked breathlessly.

“Yeah, she is the most amazing girl I have ever met. She is funny, sweet, horrible at singing, and she has the best dance moves.” He leaned in closer.

“She sounds amazing,” I leaned in closer.

“She is,” He pressed his lips onto mine and I grabbed the back of his head bringing him closer to me. He wrapped his hands around my waist and I buried my hands into his thick hair. He deepened the kiss by slipping in his tongue and I let him take the lead. The kiss was full of passion and left me wanting more when we broke apart a few minutes later.

“Wow,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he smiled. He must of felt the sparks too. “So it’s settled? You will stay with me until I leave for tour? He should be gone by then.”

“I don’t know Alex,” I looked away.

“Please Erin, I need to know you are safe.” He grabbed my hands pulling me closer into him.

“I’m a horrible roommate, ask Allie or Megan!” He laughed.

“You can’t be that bad,” he urged and I shook my head.

“I eat peanut butter out of the jar with my finger because I’m too lazy to find a spoon, I never replace the toilet paper, I take 25 minute showers on the regular, I hate doing laundry, I leave my dishes everywh—“

“Okay so you are a horrible roommate, I honestly don’t care though. You are only staying with me until we know he is out of town, plus it gives us time to spend together before I leave.”

“You will grow to resent me Alex, I’m telling you.” I crossed my hands over my chest. Everyone eventually did.

“Well it’s either you stay with me for the next two weeks or I stay with you, and I’m just adding that I’m the one with a spare bedroom.”

I groaned, “I never wanted to be that girl who loses her independence to a guy.”

He looked at me funny, “You’re not losing your independence. Think of it as an extended sleep over, plus I’m closer to the UCLA campus so going to and from school is easier.”

I nodded my head, “You do have a point there.”

“Also I’m going to be gone for a whole three months and I don’t want to be alone in my house for the next two weeks when we could be spending time to get to know each other more.”

“Ok, ok I’ll go pack.”

“Bring all your records so I can listen to you sing more.”

I laughed, “Fuck you.”



“So now that we helped you get all settled in, you kind of owe us drinks.” Rian pouted at me and I crossed my arms over my chest. Alex had called in reinforcement when he realized how much shit a girl needed for two weeks but all the guys were helpful for, was going through my underwear drawer and all my make-up. I was the only one who actually unpacked.

“Do I now?” I raised my eyebrow.

“Yeah we unloaded like two suitcases,” Jack mumbled picking up one of my lacy bras, I walked over there and snatched it out of his hand pushing it back into my drawer. He shot me a cheeky smile.

“You were literally no help, in fact I think you guys owe me drinks for having to deal with your crazy asses for the past three hours.”

Zack groaned, “I don’t care who pays as long as we start drinking ASAP.” Everyone else nodded in agreement.

“I’ll drive,” I volunteered.

“Cool lets head out,” Alex wrapped his arms around my shoulder as we all walked out to my car and he opened the door for me. I got in and buckled my self in waiting for the guys to figure out who was sitting where. Jack ended up getting the front set because he complained about having long legs while Rian, Zack and Alex squeezed into the back seats. We headed towards a small bar a few miles away from Alex’s house and we were there in no time. The bar was relatively empty for it being happy hour on a Thursday.

“What can I get you to drink?” The only bartender in the bar asked us as soon as we took our seats at the bar.

“Four beers and a?” Jack turned towards me with an eyebrow raised.

“Diet coke,” I finished smiling at the bartender.

“Here you are,” He set down the drinks in front of us respectively.

“Are you guys excited to start touring again?”

“FUCK YES!” Jack exclaimed leaping out of his chair. “It has been so long since we’ve been on the road.”

Rian smiled and nodded in agreement, “I think we are all excited to get back out there and meet fans and have a good time.”

“It sounds amazing,” I agreed. “The people that you meet and the lives that you get to touch, truly inspiring.” I sipped my coke.

“We are so lucky,” Zack agreed with me.

“Plus we are all excited to get back to Baltimore to stay with our families again,” I looked at Rian confused; I didn’t know they were from Maryland.

“We only stay in LA to record,” Jack cleared up for me and I looked at Alex who was avoiding my gaze.

“I guess that makes since,” I mumbled taking another big sip of my coke. “Maryland, wow, that is so far.”

“You didn’t know that was were we were from?”

I looked at Alex, “No I didn’t.”

He shrugged, “We spend more time in California than we do our home state.”

I picked at my nails, “You guys are always on the move.”

“It’s the lifestyle of musicians.” Jack shrugged off getting another beer.

“Must be hard on your loved ones.”

“It is why we are all single,” Zack, laughed patting Rian on the back. I looked over at Alex again who was still avoiding my gaze. I knew Alex liked me while I knew I was smitten with him, but was that enough? I couldn’t tell. I wasn’t the type of girl to put so much effort into a relationship that was destined to fail. Could I trust him on the road? Could I trust him to even want me after meeting new pretty girls every day? I excused myself from the group to go get a smoke. As soon as I lit one up I heard the door open and I turned around to see Alex.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Damn he could read my mind.

“Not unless you want to,” I took a deep drag of my cigarette.

“Of course I do,” He moved closer to me. “I don’t want you to worry about anything that you shouldn’t worry about.”

“Do you like me Alex?” I deadpan not trying to drag this out.

“Of course I do, you know that. I told you the other night I was falling in love with you. I don’t just say things like that.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“What about your tour?”

“What about my tour?”

I sighed in frustration, “Will you still want me after your tour?”

He laughed, “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Don’t laugh!” I stubbed out the remainder of my cigarette. “Alex I really like you and I don’t want to get hurt.”

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, “I don’t know how to show you I like you more than I already have.”

“I’m just scared and worried, I have never dated anyone before much less a musician.”

He embraced me into a hug, “So we are dating now?” I could feel my face heating up.

“I—uh what I meant was—“ I started stuttering to come up with a good cover which caused Alex to laugh at me.

“Don’t worry about it, but I’m not ready to make any thing official just yet.”

I nodded my head, “Me either that kind of just slipped.” Did it?

“Good,” He leaned down to give me a kiss. “Everything is going to be fine, don’t let that little head of yours worry.”

“Okay,” I agreed smiling and leaning into him more.

And in this moment of weakness, I let myself believe in the fairytale. I let myself believe that nothing could go wrong.