Cigarette Daydreams

“I don’t think this is a good idea Allie,” I nervously pulled at the ends of my skirt trying to make it longer. Allie slapped my hands and shot me a look.

“Would you stop being a worry wart? Jeez Alex wont even know that you went out unless you tell him.” Alex and I talked everyday, sometimes twice a day. We have gotten much closer over the past few weeks just talking about nothing and everything. My therapy sessions become more progressive and I only have a few left. I’m doing better in my classes, I talk to my parents more, I spend my free time volunteering, and I have Alex to thank for all of it. He is my rock. So when Allie wanted to get me out of the house to ‘hang out’ I refused because it didn’t feel right and I didn’t want to fight with Alex about it, but Allie wasn’t having it. “We will only be out for like three hours tops.”

“I feel really uncomfortable.”

Allie sighed and turned towards me, “We don’t have to go out if you really don’t want to.”

I closed my eyes and let out a low breath, “Three hours tops.” Allie squealed hugging me.

“I can’t wait! We are going to have so much fun!”

The club was packed which wasn’t all that surprising. We managed to get in without waiting thanks to Allie’s boobs, and we were at the bar within seconds. “What can I get you two pretty ladies?” The bartender was cute and attentive.

“Two dirty martinis,” Allie smiled back flirtatiously and I rolled my eyes.

“I wasn’t going to drink tonight,” I told her watching the bartender make our drinks.

“You can have one.”

“Here you go,” He placed them on the napkins in front of us.

“How much do we owe you?” Allie ruffled through her clutch looking for cash.

“The guys at the end of the bar requested to get your tab for the night,” I looked at the end of the bar and it looked like a bunch of frat guys. I waved my hand in a thanks but Allie didn’t think that was enough.

“We will just stop by and say thanks, maybe dance with one or two of them.”

I stopped walking, “I can’t.”

She turned towards me looking pissed off, “You can't or you won't.”

“You know why I can't Allie.” I told her crossing my arms over my chest.

She huffed, “I’m going over there whether you like it or not and if you don’t feel free to leave.”

I was furious, “Fine.” I downed my dirty martini and made my way to the dance floor to dance away my frustrations. Who did she think she was? I felt someone slip behind me and I felt my frustrations growing, I swear if Allie sent a guy over here to dance with me. I turned to see the last person I ever thought I would see in LA again. “Kyle,” I whispered in shock.

He leaned in closer to me, “Hello my dear. Where is the boyfriend?”

I gulped, “On his way here actually.”

Kyle raised his eyebrow, “Oh really?”

“Yes,” I tried to sound confident but I know it came out shaky.

Kyle laughed and grabbed onto my wrist rather harshly, “I think your lying.”

“I’m not,” I tried to pull my arms back but his grip tightened.

“Not so fast, last time we were interrupted.”

I whimpered as he lead me off the dance floor and towards the bathrooms, “Please let me go.” He stopped and pushed me up against the wall.

“I almost forgot how pretty you were,” He commented leaning closer into me and I was trapped.

“I doubt Caroline would like you saying those things to me.”

Kyle laughed again, “I don’t really care what the fuck that woman thinks about my activities.” He pressed his lips against mine harshly. I tried to push him off but he was just so much stronger than me.

“Kyle, please.” I begged and it only quickened his moments. His hand started sliding up my skirt and I imminently regretted wearing this outfit.

“Easy access for the easiest bitch I know.” I tried pushing him off again when I felt his lips on the side of my neck.

“Get off!” I screamed hopping to catch the attention of someone around us.

“Um excuse me,” Kyle stopped when he realized it was the bouncer trying to break this up. “The lady said get off, do I need to spell it out for you?”

Kyle laughed trying to ease the tension, “She didn’t mean that did you baby?” There was fire in his eyes. The bouncer looked at me concerned.

“I’ve had too much to drink can you get me a cab?” I asked the bouncer trying to avoid Kyle’s gaze.

“I can take you home baby,” He grabbed my arm pulling me into his body and I shook my head.

“No, stay and have fun.” I looked at the bouncer, who seemed to get my message.

“Alright little lady, come with me.” He held out his hand and I graciously took it. The bouncer led me outside and straight into a cab. I thanked him profusely which he only nodded and told me it was his job to ‘watch out for beautiful ladies like me.’ Only once when I was back at the apartment with all the doors and windows locked and shut did I finally break down. I wanted to call Alex but the clock on the wall read two am and I didn’t want to bug him. So I did what I would normally do. I opened a fresh bottle of jack and I found my anxiety medicine. I popped two pills and chassed them down with the whisky, and when the guilt finally hit me I washed it down with the whisky as well.

I’m a mess.



I heard the classic “bing” letting me know that I had a notification on my phone. I groaned due to the loud noise and the bright lights coming into my room. I looked over and saw that I finished the fifth of jack all by myself last night and groaned again. I unlocked my phone and saw that I had four missed calls and sixteen unread messages, all from Alex. I leaned back into my bed debating on whether or not to call him, he would be so disappointed in my right now.

“Where did you disappear to last night?” Perfect timing Allie.

“Get the fuck out!” I know I shouldn’t blame her for the events that happened last night but I did. I was pissed that she made me go out and that she practically put me in Kyle’s arms. Allie shot me a dirty look before turning around and leaving my room.

“Whenever you stop being a bitch, call me!” I rolled my eyes. My phone started to ring again and sure enough it was Alex. I accepted the call and held it lightly against my ear.

“Where have you been?! God I’ve been so fucking worried about you!” I sighed and bit back my tears. I didn’t deserve a boyfriend like him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

The same question I’ve been asking myself all night. No I wasn’t okay but it wasn’t something he needed to deal with. “Yeah I’m fine, Allie dragged me out last night and I spent all night taking care of her so I’m exhausted.” Lying came too easy for me.

There was silence on his end, “Are you sure you are okay?”

“I’m fine. Tell me about your show.” He dived in about the show they played in South Carolina and I wasn’t paying attention, I added in my ‘uh huh’ and ‘mhhm sounds nice’ when needed, but I was too busy eating away at myself to be aware of this situation. Why was Kyle still in town? Why did I drink all that last night? Why did I lie to Alex? Why was I such a horrible person?

“Babe?”

“Sorry I got distracted, what’s up?”

He laughed, “I was just saying that I can’t wait to see you in two weeks.”

“Wow I can’t believe so soon,” I murmured.

“You don’t sound too excited,” I could hear the pout in his voice.

“I’m sorry school just has me stressed out.”

“I understand babe, won’t you be on fall break the last week of October?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you spend that week on tour with us? We will only be along the West Coast.”

My chest tightened, could I handle it? “Sure,” I sighed hoping to get my shit together within the next two weeks.

“I can’t wait!” I could hear yelling in the background, “Well I have to go, I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah sounds nice Alex,” I could hear him hang up and I sighed. What have I gotten myself into? My phone buzzed again and I had a message from an unknown number.

Nice seeing you last night. Tell the boyfriend I said hello, I’ll be paying you a much needed visit soon.

My heartbeat quickened and I threw my phone at my wall hoping to shatter it. I jumped out of bed and ran to my bathroom pulling out the emergency stash of pills that I always kept. I pulled out two oxycodone and swallowed them dry. I then made my way into the kitchen where we kept the liquor and grabbed the first bottle I spotted, taking a good swing out of that too. I wanted to burn the memories out of me. I took another healthy swing before I made my way back to my room.

Why show up now? After six years without him in my life, why now? Why when I begin to find happiness? I started to hysterically laugh.

Fuck you too, god.

I closed my eyes and let my high take over.

I couldn't be trusted to live and let go



The past two weeks has been a blur; between school, being in a fight with Allie, trying to hide what happen from Alex, dealing with Kyle’s encrypted messages, and fighting the urge to get high all the time. If it wasn’t for Alex’s constant reminders, I would have forgot today was the day Alex would pick me up and we would head to San Fran to begin their West Coast tour. I lazily packed my bag hoping I had everything I would need but I didn’t have the energy to check. There was a quick knock at my door and I knew it was Alex; I grabbed my bag and headed towards the door. I swung it open plastering a fake smile on my face, “Hey you.” He broke out into a big smile and pulled me into his arms.

“I missed you so much,” He planted a big fat kiss on my lips and it took all my control not to flinch away. Ever since the night at the club, physical contact made me nervous but Alex didn’t notice my obvious distress. “Lets get going.” He took my bag from me and sure enough there was a large bus sitting in front of my apartment complex.

“Wow,” I was amazed. I didn’t know they made busses this big.

“Cool right?” He took my hand leading me into the bus, “You remember the guys right?”

I smiled and nodded my head. Jack ran over and engulfed me into a hug to which I started to freak out about. “Can you please put me down.” My breathing was uneven and I began to sweat. Alex shot me a funny look and Jack put me down awkwardly.

“I wont try to kill you,” Rian laughed before pulling me into a hug. I tensed up but put on a big smile to hide it.

“Nice to see you all again,” I waved towards Zack, who was on the couch lifting free-weights. He became my new favorite.

“Well lets go put your stuff in the back,” Alex gestured for me to follow him and I did. He showed me which bunk that we would be staying the next week in.

“But no sex!” Jack yelled at us from the front of the bus and the rest of the boys echoed his protest. I blushed and Alex started laughing.

“We will be staying in a hotel tomorrow so we can ignore those assholes,” I hope he wasn’t implying that we would be fucking tomorrow. I wasn’t ready.

“Sounds good,” I smiled and he embraced me again. His lips, which once felt so warm and comforting, now felt foreign. I tried to make myself enjoy this but I couldn’t, so I pulled away. “Come on I know there is more crap on this bus I have yet to see,” I smirked at him playfully and he recovered from my rejection quickly.

“Yeah the backroom is this fucking awesome mancave.”

I smiled and let him lead me all around the bus showing me new gadgets and toys, trying to ignore the dull ache I had in the back of my head begging for pills. Begging to forget so I could enjoy my time with Alex.



“Thank you SAN FRANCISCO you’ve been an amazing crowd!” The audience exploded into cheers after their encore. The boys really knew how to put on a good show; I’ll give them that.

“You were amazing,” I gave Alex a kiss on his sweaty cheek. He whipped his head and gave me a big smooch on the mouth.

“Let me go cool off and I’ll meet you in the green room?” I smiled and nodded my head. I walked towards the green room and was surprised to find it empty. I picked up a water bottle and finished it almost immediately. I was waiting for about ten minutes before Alex showed up in a brand new outfit. “We are going to the hotel to check in and then possibly out to some bar.” He threw his arm around my shoulder.

“Can we just stay in tonight? I’m not feeling all that up to going out.” Half-way true. I haven’t felt like going out since that night I ran into Kyle. I’ve been looking over my shoulder for him ever since.

Alex raised an eyebrow, “Yeah sure.”

We made our way to the hotel and it took about an hour or so because traffic was horrible. The boys also took their time meeting fans and taking picture. I was growing impatient. The room Alex and I shared was very nice, it had a large king sized bed and an even bigger bathroom. Alex took another shower to get ride of the post-concert gunk and I changed into more comfortable clothes which consistent of one of Alex’s T-shirts and underwear. I was looking forward to a relaxing night with him. There was so much that I needed to get off my chest and tonight seemed like a good night to do it. I heard the shower go off and Alex appeared wearing nothing put a towel. He crawled in bed with me, “What’s eating you?”

I lazily traced his tattoos, “There’s something I need to tell you but I don’t want you to get mad.” Alex stiffened but I didn’t dare look him in the face, “I relapsed.”

“Goddammit Erin!” I flinched when he raised his voice, “What the fuck happened? You were doing so well before!” I was waiting for him to get up and walk out of the hotel room and my life, but he didn’t. I looked up at him and gave him a small smile.

“He happened,” Alex let out a big sigh.

“Kyle?” My eyes started watering remembering the night, and I gave Alex a small nod. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

“I went out with Allie and he found me,” I choked back a sob. “How did he find me?”

Alex shook his head, “I don’t know.” He pulled me closer into him. “I wish I was there to protect you,” I could hear his voice waver and I became ever more upset. Alex shouldn’t feel responsible for what happened to me.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Erin don’t you get it?” He caressed my check, “I’m so smitten with you that I can’t stand the fact that some asshole is tormenting you. I have to protect you, I need to protect you.” I wanted to get mad at the fact that he was insisting the fact that I couldn’t protect myself but against Kyle, I really couldn’t. Kyle would always be that guy in my life that had complete control over me whether I liked it or not.

“I just don’t know where to go from here.”

“One day at a time,” He kissed my forehead. “Talk to Karen about it, get an alarm system, and maybe press charges?”

“I can’t”

Alex sighed in frustrations pulling back some, “Why not? You don’t have feelings for him do you?”

The morbid part of me will always have feelings for him because technically he was my ‘first love’ or that is what the drugs tricked me to believe. I still couldn’t tell. “If I press charges then my book of secrets is out for the public to gossip over. If I don’t press charges maybe, just maybe, it will be like it never happened and I can move forward.”

“I’m trying to move forward with you,” Alex got off the bed looking for clothes to put on.

“I’m trying to move forward as well but getting the police involved isn’t something I plan on doing anytime soon.”

He shot me a dirty look, “How can I let you go back to LA when I know that creep is waiting for you?”

“Maybe we should take a break if you don’t trust me,” I got off the bed moving towards my things in the corner of the room.

Alex moved to grab my arm, “That’s not what I meant.”

I turned to face him, “What did you mean by it then?”

“Stay on tour with me!”

“I can’t! I have classes!”

“You're taking them online already,” He pleaded.

“I can’t just keep running.”

“You’re not! You are diverting until we can face this problem together.”

I ran my hands through my hair, “It’s not your problem to deal with. It’s mine.”

“I knew what I was signing up for when I asked you to be my girlfriend, so now it’s my problem to.” He leaned in and silenced my protects with a kiss and just like that everything was back to normal. Well, at least for him.