Cigarette Daydreams

Much to my dismay the world continued to rotate and the week went off without another one of my “episodes”. My schoolwork started pilling up on me and it was hard to concentrate on my crumpling life. It was Friday night and our small campus was dead, due to the fact that it was summer or the weekend. I slipped into my favorite coffee shops in downtown LA, smiling when my favorite baristas started making my usual.

There was hardly anyone in the rundown shop, two, three other people tops. I spotted a very attractive guy sitting the in the corner table with a beanie covering his messy brown hair. He spotted me staring at him and looked alarmed. I gave him a soft smile and went to collect my dirty chi from Allen. Producing a 5 and taking my drink, “thank you Allen.”

“No worries Erin, next one tonight is on me.” Allen smiled before turning to clean the cappuccino machine. I took the larger booth in the very back of the store, next to the guy in the beanie. He looked so familiar but I couldn’t really place it, he was probably in one of my classes. It was very rare that I actually noticed anyone in my lecture halls so it wouldn’t surprise me if I sat next to him once or twice.

I pulled out my laptop full of the stickers of everywhere I’ve been and I noticed the guy staring at me—or the laptop. I smiled at him again and he shifted his gaze to check me out. I shifted, now uncomfortable in my jeans and almost see-through white tank.

“You’ve been to Warped?” He had caught me off guard.

“Yeah, like two years back,” I trailed off hoping this was the end of our conversation. I didn’t do strangers well.

“I love music festivals,” he nodded more to himself. “How easy it is to lose yourself in the crowed. ”

“Same,” I smiled before pulling out my headphones. He stood up collecting his things, thankfully getting the hint I wasn’t in the mood for talking. He turned to me before walking away from his table.

“What is your name?” He asked to be polite; I could tell that he could care less.

“Erin,” I nodded slipping one headphone in my ear waiting for him to tell me his name, as if I cared.

He studied me once more before smirking, ”I’m Alex.”





It was a bad week. It was the middle of July. School was nearing the end before fall semester. Allie and I had gotten into a bad fight. And my parents had given me more money than expected, leaving me to buy more pills and expensive patron. I was currently at my favorite place in the whole damn world, my rooftop. You would think that I girl who has practically seen the world would pick a better place than a cheap ass apartment complex roof to describe as her favorite, but there is nothing more comforting than the smell of the sea.

I looked down bellow to the busy street, taking a swing of tequila before popping another pill. I smiled when the filling of endorphins started rushing through my system. No one is hear to stop me from getting out of control and that let a crazy beast out of me. I took one more pill out of the little plastic bag before discarding it on the roof.

I climbed down the latter that led to my bedroom window and swung my legs in. I lay down on my bed as the familiar sensation of lightheadedness took over my body. The memories start racing through my head, this was the worst part of the high, being stuck in rewind. Everything I didn’t want to remember was there dancing in my head making it hard to concentrate on the present.

I could feel myself losing control—hoping this is what overdose felt like. However, the pain of the memories was becoming too much to bare. I got off my bed crawling towards my connecting bathroom and tried to force myself to throw up with no success. I started crying, unexpectedly, I thought this is what I wanted. I was spiraling, this was overdose.

Everything became more sharp and I knew I wasn’t ready to go just yet. In a sudden burst of energy I grabbed my phone and called my rock. She picked up on just two rings, “what is it now, Erin?”

The way she said my name made me wanted to hang up on her, so much disappointment, “help me” I whispered into the phone and I could hear her jump up frantically.

“Where the fuck are you?” she yelled into the phone telling whoever she was with that there is an emergency.

My brain wasn’t really functioning right now; I wanted to tell her so much. How much I loved her and how much I would miss her, but all I could get out again was “help me” before it all went black.