Cigarette Daydreams

“So lets pick up were we left off last time Ms. Taylor.” I was kind of disappointed that Karen didn’t even acknowledge that I was 15 minutes early and that was a first, like ever. I had a tendency to be 20 minutes late for everything but concerts, I was five hours early for those.

“Uh sure,” I composed myself. “It has been 6 years today.”

“Since what?”

“You know the whole ‘me losing my innocence to some man I just met.’”

“How does that make you feel?” Cliché Karen. Cliché.

“Like crap,” I laughed honestly. “That 6 years later I’m still trying to get over this traumatic event.”

“You are only with me because your previous copping methods were unhealthy.” I shrugged not really agreeing with her, but to each her own. “So tell me how you got to the point you are at now, Ms. Taylor I want to know your life story.”

I blinked taken aback by her bluntness. “Ok, well I started with pills, the easy crap like stealing my mom’s Xanax or my brothers Adderall. I moved on to pain pills or sleep aids when the other stuff wasn’t quite working as well, I only did coke every now-and-again. That was purely social. I don’t know, I guess I started mixing a few months back.”

“No not your drug story, your life story.”

I blinked once. No one has ever taken the time to what to know more about me. “I’m pretty average.”

“Ms. Taylor you are far from average.”

I laughed at his, “I have brown hair, brown eyes, average height, average intelligence and a completely average childhood. I’m boring.”

“Everyone is special in their own right, Ms. Taylor.”

“Everyone but me,” I sighed.

“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Ms. Taylor.” I rolled my eyes not wanting to talk about myself anymore. I hated when people talked about my appearance or my attributes, I wanted to blend it in the best way possible. Karen noted my silence and started scribbling more crap down, “tell me about that night.”

“The night I O.D.?” She nodded once more, “I honestly was done. I was done with the world. I wasn’t anywhere that I wanted to be. I was confused and lost and I saw the easy way out. However, when I realized what I had done I called Allie, my roommate. She is the one who found me and saved my life.”

“I thought the music is what saved your life?”

“Music has always been there for me when people haven’t. Music has saved my live in more ways than one, gosh if I wasn’t so tone-deaf I would make my own music, anyways yes when they played me music it lit a fire inside of me that brought me out of my unconsciousness.”Those fucking brown-eyes again.

“What do you remember from being unconscious?”

“I don’t have any memory,” I told her honestly and the ringer went off signaling my hour was up.

“We will try some alternate therapy techniques next time to try to conger up those suppressed dreams. On a better note, you are doing very well with your therapy Ms. Taylor.” I smiled and told Karen thanks while trying, in vain, for her to call me Erin.

I took my time going down the stairs trying to put off sitting in the apartment alone. School was about to start back up next week and things would get better but right now I was too lonely. I opened the door leading into the parking garage and spotted Alex leaning against his car holding a coffee talking up some other guy I didn’t recognized. We made eye contact and I saw realization flash threw his damn gorgeous brown-eyes. He waved over at me causing the other, very muscular but not as cute guy, to turn around.

“I remember you!” He shouted with a chuckle, “I poured my coffee all over you and then you preceded to insult me.”

I walked over to where they were standing, seeing as my jeep was parked next to his Land Rover. “Uh I remember you calling me a groupie after you spilt your coffee on me,” I eyed his coffee cup. “Should I be worried?” I looked at him with fear in my eyes and he laughed.

“Sorry, I think you’re good this time.” It was then we both noticed the guy with a mop on his head staring at us awkwardly. “Shit—Zack this is…” I glared at him daring to get my name wrong. “Starts with an E, I’m fucking bad with names.” He laughed and I continued to glare. “Erin?” It came out more as a question but when he realized I didn’t look like I was about to kill him he repeated it to Zack with more confidence.

“Nice to meet you Zack,” I held out my hand which he shook and gave me a small smile. “Well it was good running into both of you but I must be going.” I climbed into my jeep and buckled myself in. I looked in my mirrors starting to back up and I noticed those memorizing eyes staring back at me with this intensity that made me question: Did he remember me?



“Its your fucking birthday, Erin. If you don’t get your ass up and get ready I wont be your friend anymore.” I scoffed at Megan, my other roommate and best friend.

“Yeah right! Allie, Liz and I, are all you have.” Allie laughed along with me as Megan pouted.

“She’s got a point Megan, you are kind of lame.” Liz walked in wearing a high-wasted black skirt and a tucked in blue long-sleeved v-neck. Gosh that girl could wear a plastic bag and look hot. “Can I borrow your black-booties?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah they are in my closet.” I turned back towards Megan who just stared at me.

“Please come out.”

“No.”

“Allen is going to be there,” Allie smirked towards me as she was putting on a pair of ripped-up skinny jeans.

“I don’t care,” I sang back towards her.

“ERIN!” Megan shouted getting frustrated with me. “It’s your gosh-darn birthday and I’ll be dammed if you stay inside all night mopping around.”

I sighed knowing I was losing this battle, “I’m not supposed to drink.”

Allie laughed moving towards me to curl my hair, “It’s your twenty-fucking-first birthday. Those doctors can suck-it if they think you aren’t drinking tonight.”

Megan smiled and nodded her head, “Plus my birthday is in two days so we are celebrating together.”

I sighed again watching Allie turn my silky straight hair into a lion’s mane. “Alright, but I’m not wearing heals!”



Somehow I not only ended up in heals but a pair of very tight, very ‘nothing left to the imagination’ leather pants and a ‘hello here are my boobs’ tank. Although the deep-scoop tank showed off my rib tattoo that I was so proud of getting, so I wasn’t too angry with Liz for forcing this on me. I was, however, pissed off at these heels.

“Can’t you walk a little bit faster?” frustrated Allie moaned as we speed-walked towards the club door.

“You insisted I wear heels, so no.” I glared right back at her. She was in such a damn hurry because Allen had made sure to put our names at the top of the list for some exclusive club. For a barista, he sure knew the right kind of people in this town.

“There it is!” Megan exclaimed almost losing her balance in MY red stilettos. As we approached the door the bouncer didn’t even ID us, he just opened the red velvet rope allowing us in the club. The music was lumping so loud and it smelt like expensive booze and BO.

“Isn’t this great?” Allie grabbed onto my arm while looking at me with her big green eyes.

“Yeah it is so intimate,” I heard a laugh behind me and I turned around to see Allen along with Alex, the guy with the mop hair, and three other guys I didn’t recognize.

“Nice to see you finally made it,” Allen walked over and embraced me in a hug. “Happy Birthday,” he whispered in my ear. I blushed and he pulled away smiling. “This is Alex, Rian, Zach, Jack, and Vinny.” He pointed to each guy respectfully. He then turned towards my friends, “Guys, This is Liz, Megan, Allie, and the birthday girl Erin.”

“No fucking way,” Alex laughed pulling me into a hug and I could smell the whisky on him. He kept one arm around me and the other one he held his drink.

“Yeah I figured you might remember Erin, the one that you sang to in the hospital.” I felt Alex stiffen next to be and slowly remove his arm. I was going to kill Allen.

“Uh, good to see you doing better?” Jack, who I’m assuming was there as well, told me awkwardly.

“Yeah well I need a drink,” Allie announced pulling me towards the bar. “Five shots of tequila, please.” She yelled towards the closet bar tender who sent our drinks our way in a matter of seconds. Allie handed each of the girls a shot while handing me two. “To the good, the bad, and the oh-so-fucking ugly.” We each downed our shots and made our way to the dance floor.

I started dancing by myself but it was only a few moments before I felt someone behind me, I looked over my shoulder to see Allen there wearing an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry E, I didn’t mean to bring that up.” I wanted to roll my eyes but I was trying to be a better person so I accepted his crappy apology.

“You owe me a drink, asshole.” I smirked at him and he knew all was forgiven. He dragged me towards the bar ordering both of us two shots of patron, my favorite. We downed the expensive tequila and sucked our limes before heading back out onto the dance floor.

The clock was slowly moving towards two am and I knew that I had way too much to drink tonight. My head was dizzy and walking in these four-inch heels became an Olympic game to me. I needed some air so I slipped outside to get a moment by myself and not even two seconds later it was disturbed. “Whatca doin purdy lady?” Some buff-ass punk was purring at me. He obviously wasn’t that drunk because of the way he stood and walked over towards me, however, he was trying to portray that he had too much to drink. Fucking Creep.

“I’m calling a cab, my friends are inside.” I told him hoping he would get the message and leave me alone.

“Why don’t you just come home with me,” he went to grab my arm but I sidestepped him. “I’m sure your friends wouldn’t mind.” He reached for me again and I moved out of the way. I didn’t want to start shit with this guy but he was making it hard.

“I’m good, thanks pall.” I told him unlocking my phone and dialing the cab company I normally use. He grabbed the cell phone out of my hand before taking ahold of me. My adrenaline kicked in and I could faintly hear someone yell my name. It didn’t matter though because I side kicked this guy in his shin before I twisted his arm back making him drop to the ground and lose his grip on my phone causing him to drop and probably shatter it. I got in one good knee into his face before someone pulled me back. The creep quickly got up before running off in the opposite direction of the club and I turned to see Alex holding onto my elbow. He looked down at me and I couldn’t read what was going through his mind. The only thing I could sense was his large callouses fingers on my boney elbow. He slowly let go of me and I moved towards my poor phone.

“I was coming out to check on you but you seem to be fine on your own.” I bent down and picked up my phone seeing the screen was indeed cracked—I groaned.

“I’m fine by myself.” I told him harsher than I mean to. I was just upset he stopped me from kicking this guy’s ass.

“I see that,” he chuckled looking down at me and I realized he was no longer drunk. Actually, to be honest I doubt I was either after that little incident. “Do you need a ride home?”

“No I’m going to call a cab,” I looked at my screen and lord-behold it no longer worked. I wanted to find that piece of shit and murder him. I looked back up at Alex who was watching me with amusement. “What?”

“You’re upset about your phone, but not the fact that some stranger try to attack you.”

“And?” I asked reaching in my back pocked for my cigarettes. I lit one up before turning to him and offering one, he took it and handed me back my lighter. "Obviously I can handle myself."

He took along drag before responding, “I’ll give you a lift back.” The way he said it lead no room for argument and I nodded my head.

“Thanks,” I finished off my cigarette around the time that he did. He smiled towards me and put his hand on the lower part of my back. “Excuse me?” He looked shocked that I would say something towards him.

“Sorry, sorry.” He held his hands up in defense and I crossed my arms over my chest.

“I’m not going to fuck you, you know this right?” he laughed at my bluntness before nodding his head yes. We walked right up to his black Land Rover and he opened the door for me before moving over to the driver’s side. He turned on the radio and a semi-familiar tune was blaring threw the speakers. He looked at me expectedly and I stared right back at him, “what?”

He shook his head and mumbled ‘nothing’ before whipping his car out of the club parking lot. “Where to?”

“Downtown.” He nodded and headed in that direction before we were meet with dead stop traffic.

“Two in the fucking morning and we still have LA traffic,” I semi-yelled at no one in particular.

Alex looked over at me and gave me a small smile, “You look a lot better than the last time I saw you.” And I laughed and laughed and laughed until I about peed myself.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I managed to get out between laughs.

“What?” He asked confused.

“Of course I fucking look better you dip-shit! I was in a fucking coma because I tried to kill myself last time you saw me.” He winced and I didn’t feel bad. When I was drinking I typically didn’t have a filter.

“Why did you do it?”

“Excuse me?” Who did he think he was asking me intimate questions like that?

“Why did you do it?”

“I pay a therapist enough money to ask me those questions, not you.” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

“You can talk to me, some people say I’m easy to talk to.” He smiled smugly at himself.

“Who? your mom?” I gave him a look and he chuckled. “You seriously want to know?”

“Yeah, I mean you seem like you have your shit together. If I were to see you on the street or something I wouldn’t even think a girl like you would hate life so much."

"A girl like me? Appearances are deceiving, you know.” He nodded his head agreeing with me. “I don’t know why I did it, to be honest. I thought it was an easy way out of temporary problems. My past always just comes back to haunt me and sometimes when I’m really lonely I let those thoughts eat at me.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he gave me a soft smile. “Everyone goes through tough shit but its how we deal with it that defines who we are.”

“I don’t cope very well,” I confessed.

“I don’t either,” he smirked at me.

“Really?”

“I use to drown my problems in whisky and music.”

“Use to?”

He laughed, “I still do occasionally."

"You're not so bad. I thought rockstars were supposed to be assholes?"

"I am an asshole."

I turned to look at him, "You are far from it, my dear." We then both noticed that the traffic had not moved an inch since we pulled up and Alex turned down the radio and rolled down his window to talk to the car next to us.

“Yo!” He yelled catching the attention of some poor girl.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Do you know what’s going on?”

“Construction I think.” He smiled at told the girl thank-you before rolling up his window.

“Change of plans, we are going to my house.” Before I could even argue, he turned his car around jumping a curve or two and we were headed in the opposite direction of my apartment.