Inhale

I’d imagined the moment more times than I could count. That perfect kiss that made the world stop spinning, made those fireworks light in your stomach and burst into a colourful delight in your mouth.

His hands had moved upwards onto my cheeks when he released me. I was still at a loss as to which of us had leant in, who had initiated it. It didn’t matter, his lips parted slightly and I knew instantly that it had been a mistake, a regret either way. “Shit.” I tore my eyes downwards, “S…sorry, that wasn’t, sorry…”

“Elle.” Only now did he drop his hands, the bloom of my cheeks replacing the warmth his skin held. I didn’t want to hear it, the apology, and the assurance of nothing that would make his words knives.

“Sorry, I didn’t…” His smile was small.

It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be perfect, the right time, right setting. Not with us both covered in a dried layer of sweat, the balls of my feet aching, the taste of dinner still lingering in my mouth. I refused still to meet his eyes, standing lamely.

I cleared my throat; he repeated my name again, moved to catch me but finally my body and my brain connected, made sense and I twisted away from him, feeling cruel tears stinging my eyes. “I better go,” I spluttered, “Go see Thom and…” His arm was still outwards but he didn’t cling at me, he let me go and I did, closing the door a little too heavily behind me.

The air was warm, even as the evening hit and I took a couple of breaths little better than gasps to try and flood myself with oxygen. It had to make sense. I must have kissed him first, I just couldn’t place him, see that moment. My heart was still racing and I pressed myself onwards, he’d be listening for footsteps. I paused for another second, rubbed my hand across my lips.

There was no way he wanted me. All I was doing was damaging our friendship that we’d only just really seemed to have repaired. He didn’t want this, me. He was just being friendly, his usual touchy self. I must have taken it wrong.

I head straight back to mine, pausing before I opened the door, able to hear the children playing inside.

Only now was I able to appreciate the way his lips had felt and mine tingled. I resisted touching them again, it would have been pathetic, like a girl in a terrible romance novel written by some untouched Capitol citizen. I opened the door with more pressure than usual; wincing as the handle on the other side bounced off the wall. Instantly attracting attention my way, Thom was in front of me in a split second. “You look gross.”

“You don’t look much better.” I countered, managing a smile as he hugged me tightly, so hard my feet lifted a little of the ground. “Careful Thom, don't break her.” Phillus joked, although the words made him drop me, the silence awkward and instantaneous, “I didn’t mean...”

“We know,” I hugged her more carefully; it was easy to ignore, to keep it as a dream of future that would never get here. She let me go, easily sensing that Thom wanted to speak to me. I couldn’t right now; not with everything else in my head so I searched quickly for excuses, latching to the most obvious one. “Lemme go shower real quick and I’ll be back down. Did you eat?”

“Rita did us something.” Thom was looking at me oddly. We hadn’t seen each other in close to a fortnight. He’d been to see Mom, I knew that much. He hadn't mentioned a lot but it clearly had not gone at all well. Luka was her eldest, her first boy, her favorite. “Great, I’ll be about twenty minutes, anything else you want help yourselves.”

“We brought some oranges actually, found a place selling them near Mom's.” I almost laughed at the pained look that flickered over his face, “But yeah, sorry, go clean up.” I took my leave and darted upstairs, finally letting go of the breath I’d half been holding. Thom had looked strained, tired. I was not looking forward to having the conversation I knew was coming; that he deserved.

I didn’t spend anywhere near as long under the hot stream as I wanted, enjoying the delicious scents that stuck to my skin and hair. I grabbed a razor, ensuring my body was smooth.

Why? I wasn’t sure. A part of me slipped into a world of fantasy that Finnick actually wanted me in that way. That hadn’t lasted long, reality as it always did was suffocating. We were running out of time. Like that the shiver hit me again and I turned the water up hotter for a burst to force it away. It worked somewhat and I clambered out after a few long minutes, slipping into my bedroom and dressing quickly, wiping at my face hard. The time spent outside in the sun had brought my freckles out again, the sprinkling over my nose and cheeks, I wiped at them as I brushed my teeth.

I wrapped the towel tightly around my head after viciously assaulting my hair, making sure my legs, bare again in shorts were dry before I went back downstairs. I was going to have to be careful with my words; they had no idea I wanted to volunteer. Rita couldn’t have said anything although my sisters-in-law were close. Thom would have jumped right down my throat if the idea had even entered his mind. He would want to discuss odds, logical options. I let him lead me outside, sitting heavily on the bottom step. I let my toes press into the sandy grass.

“So, you’re still training right?” I nodded at him, reluctant to give over all the details he demanded. He let me ramble for a few minutes, although all I could think of was Finnick and the way his lips had moved, his hands dancing up my neck. I almost missed his next question. “What if it ended up as the two of you in there?”

“What do you mean?” I practically coughed up my response. That was an assurance, even if Finnick still urged me almost daily to reconsider my idea. “You’d ally with him, right? Of course, you would I mean…” His own words sped up, “And what if you two were...”

“You know who could be going in there…” I stopped myself from my usual melodramatic wail, he looked too hopefully, too concerned for me to lay that harsh truth on him, as aware of the possibilities as he was. He looked so much older than the last time I had seen him, although he was the same age as Finnick, their birthdays only days apart. Was I hurting him how I had hurt Luka? The thoughts clearly ran through his head, his eyes crinkled. I knew we were in dangerous territory, it would be better to just power through and say everything that needed saying.

“If I...” I chewed the inside of my cheek, seeing how his hand tensed, there was no point hiding it. “Die,” I end lamely, “The house won’t be mine anymore and the money will stop.”

“I can see how your finances would worry you.” He said sarcastically, a little too harshly.

“I mean Rita won’t be able to live here with the girls.” I answer just as curtly, “She’ll have to live somewhere else. I’ve got a lot of money I’ve stored up in that safe under my bed. The day of the reaping, before we go I want you to take it all, make sure Rita gets sorted out, okay? I can’t guarantee they won’t empty the house or anything when I’m gone.”

“No-one cares about the money.” His voice hurt me.

“I just want everyone to be more comfort-“

“Comfortable? You want us to be more comfortable because you’re dead?! That would be the least of...the last thing I would think of Elenia I.."

“And your first should be making sure our family is safe.”

“But I can’t do that, can I? We let Luka get mixed up with those uneducated morons, and I can’t stop whatever result comes out on Monday! And...” He stomps his foot, “You wouldn’t be doing all this training if you weren’t committed, weren’t sure. You look and sound the healthiest you have in years.”

He was too close, the accusation dead on. I spiralled to shift the conversation back hating when a burst of emotion overcame me, “Neither of us can blame ourselves for Luka, it isn’t… I’ve done it and it fucking hurts. When I die I need to know all of you will be safe.”

“When?” He half yells, slamming his hand over his face to quiet himself as if not to disturb the neighbours. “I knew it!” he hisses, “I knew you’d be so stupid as too...”

I shushed him, Finnick’s warning of listening ears popping back into my head. “Come on.”

I stood, not waiting for him as I marched towards the natural pool and past it, finding the overgrown path that leads just onto the beach. No-one could be listening here surely, we were alone and the wind as the tide began to creep out had to cover us. Even so I lowered my voice.

“I am not arguing about that anymore. I’ve done it enough with Finnick and I am sick of it.” Steel coated my brothers’ features and he ran his head through his growing hair. “Please,” I begged, “Please do not argue with me, Thom. It’s happening, either way, but I can’t go in any sort of right mind without knowing that you all are going to be okay.” I had him there and he nodded regretfully, his eyes scouring across the horizon, “It will be best if you all lay low as well, there…”

I felt my tongue dart over my top teeth, looking in the direction I knew my home lay. I could see the lights over the peak of white cliff.

I scan around again, lowering my voice further so he has to lean in, “Something is happening. I don’t know what properly but there’s something bigger going on.” His brow creases, “It’s to do with what Luka wanted, what he died for. I can’t… I can’t have anything I may do affect you, put you and your children in more harm than they already are. You have to lay low, take the money and…”

I could see the conflict fighting within him, it was the same one that had plagued me for days, weeks. But I knew exactly what was happening with it all. I had it under control, I told him that.

“We’re not in control of anything. If it was up to me...”

“Well it isn’t.” I bit back; apologising instantly. “This is happening and I need…”

“It could be.” He’d lost me.

“What could be?”

“If we could have control.” I lifted a brow but he’d moved, drawing up his sleeve awkwardly so it exposed the inside of his upper arm. I had to squint in the weak light but there was a tattoo, tiny but I recognised it instantly. “What the hell is that?” I felt blood flow from my face. Fighting through my stammer, “W…W…Why have you gotten that? Do you know what will happen if the Peacekeepers see that?!”

“Yeah, I do.” His face lit up with rebellion, defiance, a gleam in his eyes that twisted my stomach. “I know, there are a lot of people who feel the same as I do, this is the symbol. She is, isn’t she? That’s what this is all about?”

“Luka died because of this.” I had to swallow hard, “This is the stupidest…”

“Yet you’re clearly hiding something.” He snapped, “You think seeing my brother die didn’t increase my resolve? You think them sending, against every rule there is, my little sister back off to die in their sick...” I put my hand over his mouth this time and he wrenched it down, looking at the long line on one arm, my remaining pink scar from my latest breakdown.

“They make us watch it every year, they killed my older brother, our brother and they’re going to kill you.” Tears were rolling down his high cheekbones, “I am not going to do nothing, not anymore. This is organised, this isn’t just angry words like Luka, it’s more than that.”

“You to keep them safe, and Mom. Promise me you won’t do anything that will get any of you hurt.” It was obvious if he said those words they meant nothing, he had gone too far. The normally calm face of my brother was gone, this mask of anger and insolence had overcome him.

“Can you promise me you’ll come back a second time?” His eyes were weary.

“Don’t do that to me Thom, this isn’t my choice!” I could feel my voice growing frantic, the thought of losing him, of losing everyone was unbearable, “Don’t you dare do anything while I’m in there.”

“You just pretty much told me you’re planning on dying.”

“I’m not planning on anything, I’m being realistic!” My words were venom.

“Realistic? You spent the last four years of your life in some kind of daze playing house with the head Game maker, don’t suddenly decide to be rational now!” His shoulders dropped, we were both breathing heavily, standing upright. He was towering over me, the tallest of us. For once there was no comfort in it, only intimidation. I took a step back, stretching myself as best as possible and staring him straight up into his face. I had to make him see sense, surely there was some part of him that realised how bad an idea getting involved in anything like this was.

If it failed, if whatever he was planning failed we’d all be gone, my whole family. I tried to make my words a command, “On the day of the reaping, leave straight away, with the money and go somewhere quiet.”

“Everyone knows who I am, if they didn’t already they do after Luka, including all the new peacekeepers.”

“Finnick’s sister lives close to the border...”

“I know where Finnick’s sister lives.” He pursed his lips, “But I can tell you right now there is no way we would get out of the District, no chance in hell.” His arms folded across his chest, “But, then, there is no way I’d leave, not if I can make a difference.”

“Thom.” His name was a plea now, a whisper that rushed out to sea with the breeze. I felt the tears starting to form again. “Please don’t do this.” He turned away from me and I sat heavily on the still damp sand, rubbing at my face. I was at a loss, I wanted to scream, to make him see it my way, the true way. If everything went wrong my mother would have lost all her children; my nieces and nephews their fathers or worse their own lives. He copied my action, drawing his knees up to his chin. He was as stubborn as I was, as Luka had been. Whatever scheme this was must have come from the docks.

“Luka and the others died, and people on the docks still want to try?” A nod is my answer, “Why?”

He takes a minute to gather himself, “You have to know why the Quell is what it is, right?” He waits for a reply he doesn’t receive, “It has to be to kill Katniss, and stop the chance of other victors becoming a threat. You can imagine if Finnick turned around and declared war on the Capitol people would…”

“Not as many as I imagine you think.” I try to stop my words from being hard, “I don’t think there’s that power anymore. People are scared now.”

“People are scared. And so is Snow, that’s obvious, the reason for the Quell is obvious to anyone with half a brain and people are clicking what that means. The Capitol is weak.”

“The Capitol has never been weak.” I scorn, “You’ve never been. I have seen firsthand what sort of provisions they have, medical, defense, weapons, everything. You’re talking like people are just going to storm in there and end it.”

“If all the Districts…” He wants exactly what I’m aiming for, risking my life for but still I scoff. Hearing it come from him makes it clear how unfeasible it is, that this truly is a suicide mission. “Even if they got Snow. It doesn’t mean that someone else won’t rise up and take over.”

“Like I haven’t thought about that.” He laughs sarcastically, rubbing his thumb over his chin, “We could end up like Thirteen.” I keep that truth to myself, maybe the illusion of the loss of that District will come back upon him, convince him otherwise. “So stop,” I snipe.

“I can’t.”

My fight shatters, that tingle is dancing across my body and I rest my face in my hands. The action reminds me now of Finnick, how truly different I felt only an hour ago. “You need to be safe. I can’t deal with any of you getting hurt, please Thom. Please just let it go, let others do whatever it is.” I scuffle on the sand, grabbing his hand. His face softens instantly and the moon catches in his eyes, he sighs heavily, “I can’t promise not to do anything if the opportunity arises.” My temper snaps and I lash out at him, enjoying how he winces and struggles to catch my other hand as I fire curses at him.

“Hey! Stop it Elle, for fuck…right, Elle. Stop.” I retreat like a sulking dog. “We will take the money, okay? I’ll lie lay, all of us will I promise you that. We’ll head up to by Finnick’s sister, right after the ceremony.” I watched his adams apple jerk, “But what if you don’t get selected? Would you have to mentor?”

“Thom.” The word is lost with the rustle of a wave.

“Elenia.” He shakes his head. “I guess we all have secrets now then?”

“It looks like it.”

“And yours means I get to watch you try not to die again. How in any way is that fair?”

“It isn’t.”

We both sit in silence watching as the waves are lost further out, clouds coating the moon for brief periods. I was waiting for him to start again, unable to continue the conversation. Thankfully his words meet a new topic and it’s as if everything we had just revealed to each other was never said. “So you’ve been doing good with the training then yeah?”

I nod at him, “I think so. I feel a lot more confident.”

“Good. Dad would like that you’ve finally got a bit more meat on your bones.” I ignore his clear attempt to stab at nostalgia. “But then in the current circumstances.”

My smile is small and guilty. “Finnick says he’ll be going in.”

Thom clicks his tongue, telling me that now he’d expect as much.“But who for?”

“What?”

“Is that for you or for her?”

I feel my face crease, “Katniss?”

“Only one girl on fire.” I scowl instead, “He’d never hurt you in a million years.” He’d misread me, “You’re not stupid, you know that.”

“I know.” That is one thing I don’t doubt at all even if he’s currently sent my head spinning. He laughs at me, shoving himself to his feet, “He better not or he’ll have me to answer to.” His weak attempt at humour finally earns a guilty chuckle from me, letting him pull me up.

“I kissed him earlier,” I blurt out, shocking myself a little – anything at all romantic or sexual was strictly on our list of topics we avoided, “Or he kissed me. But I…” How was I supposed to put feelings I couldn’t comprehend into words fit for my brother?

“Honestly.” He cut me off, wiping away the stain of tears across his cheeks and practising a stiff smile, “You pick your times.”
____________________

I waited until my brother was heading up to bed before I left. Nothing we had spoken about by the beach had been mentioned and both Rita and Phillus were too tactful to ask. My hair was finally fully dry and I snuck into my closet where I planned on sleeping for the evening, setting up the small spare bunk I kept for situations like this. My brothers and the kids always got the better rooms, it was only fair.

The thought of approaching Finnick again made my stomach fizzle and I wasted time before heading over, fiddling with my hair until it was in some sort of order and even dabbing some make-up on my face. I wasn’t sure why really, I just wanted to show him I didn’t always look like a sweaty mess. Not that it would, should affect his answer or his feelings. I slipped a thin jacket on and my shoes, avoiding the stair that always creaked and leaving my house. I paused outside his, feeling like I should knock and doing so.

When there was no response I opened the door slowly, waiting for him to appear but only then realising how dark it was. He was upstairs, either asleep or getting ready for it. I regretted coming over but I knew if I didn’t try and sort this now I’d have another sleepless night and the thought of it being awkward between us was horrible. Not speaking for a week had been horrendous, I couldn't manage going through that again. I crept up the stairs, slipping off my shoes and the jacket but waiting outside his bedroom door, the smell of incense present even in the hallway. I knocked again and heard the gruff call to come in.

The room was warm, a little too so. A weak fire was lit providing the only flickering light. He sat upright as if electrocuted, obviously not expecting me. “Hi.” I offered meekly, “I’m sorry.”

“Elle.” He half breathed but I cut him off, feeling myself blurting again.

“Thom has a mockingjay tattoo and he’s involved in something. He’s said he’ll lay low if he can and I told him to go to your sisters after the reaping and take some of my money and er…” I pause for a split second, my brain catches up with my mouth, “Sorry, I should...I should have asked, they can’t just turn up…”

“I’ll talk to her. She’ll be fine with it.” We both nod and he meets my eyes almost cautiously.

“I’m sorry I freaked out earlier.” He pats a spot on the bed beside him and I take it, crossing my legs so I was facing him. He looks like he’s struggling for words, opening and closing his mouth like a fish on a line. It would be adorable if I was sure he wasn’t thinking of the best way to reject me. He stops trying, with his obvious confusion, his hair messy and with those tense lines across his forehead, he looks about as unpreened and human as he gets. “Let’s just forget it okay?” His brow lifts when I speak, “I didn’t mean to make you feel…awkward and…”

“What?” He looks truly lost, and oddly, almost a little hurt. He recovers smoothly, “You didn’t make me feel awkward at all Elle, I’m sorry I obviously overstepped. I crossed a line so…” The last few words wash over me and I’m back to dinner time again trying to view it from an outsiders points, remember the movements, how our lips connected. It’s still a blur but my eyes land his lips again and I want too, so badly.

For once I just react, leaning up on my knees, stretching and catching them with my own for the second time that evening.

It takes a moment for him to respond and by then the stabs of rejection were already starting to tear me apart. They vanish instantly as his lips move, and I finally feel everything you’re supposed to, what earlier had lacked. My body is alight, aflame and I’m aching for him. He pushes forward suddenly, making me rest back on my heels before the kiss grows more hectic, more desperate.

The sheets are a cool relief on my back but also an inconvenience.

They’re tangled around him forming a barrier that he has to rip away, breaking the connection and making me gasp as he easily flips me out of the way. I go to say something more but he cuts me off fiercely, his hands wrenching the sheet to the bottom of his bed before they land on me, grasping my hips before sliding up my side.

I whine into his mouth, propelled further into his body, his hands catching down my back and dragging me as physically close to him as possible. Chests pressed together I wrap my legs around him, scared he’ll change his mind, suddenly toss me away.

Instead, he slams me back down onto the mattress, shock making me giggle as his lips and teeth move downwards to my neck. It’s hard to concentrate on anything else and I miss what he’s saying until he stops. “Lift up.” I catch him rolling his eyes lightly, a smirk on his face, as he raises his head parallel to mine again. It clicks what he’s saying and I let his hands finish what they had started, my shirt landing in a pile on the floor.

His own meets it and I’m melting beneath him, putty in his able hands when that hint of doubt starts to form. The hand tickling up the inside of my thigh pauses, his kisses become pecks and then he pulls away.

He lifts his hand from my leg, rubbing his thumb over my collarbone as if to wipe his previous kisses away, as if to eradicate the act. I don’t need his stumbled apology. The dismissal and rejection was a sting, the poison from it seeping through me.

“Okay.” I manage, swallowing several times to keep my voice strong. “Fine. Can you?” He shoves himself off of me and sits beside me, facing the other way. I’m still burning but now it’s humiliation, any sense of arousal has died and already the lump in my throat is growing.

Of course he didn’t want me, why would he? I’d caught him unaware, he’d let himself get carried away.

Everything was a mistake, him kissing me was, he’d tried to apologise for it, probably to tell me exactly what, how wrong it was. He was lonely, as I was, as we all were. All seemed to be slowly losing our minds. I adjust my bra, sliding off the bed to snatch up my shirt and put it back on, not sure whether I should sit back down.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He sounded years younger. I was stupid to believe he’d want this; with me of all people.

I was his closest friend, I knew that, but there was no way any sane person could look past my various breakdowns, ways of coping with the games. He’d seen me in worse states than anyone else, and he’d helped me through them. He thought of Mags as a mother, I was no doubt the twisted little sister.

I dumped myself back down on the crumpled bed; running my hand through my hair, not caring if it hit him in the face. I didn’t want to speak first, to have to make any sort of move first. We weren't looking at each other.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said again lamely.

“We both know I’m not a virgin Finnick.” It was a low blow and I spit it at him.

“And you know that isn’t what I meant.” He practically shot the words back at me. The fire flickered again before going out completely, the embers dying. I felt like that was a sign it was a good time to go, to bury myself in humiliation until the sun came back up. “Can I go home?”

“Oh...” I could imagine his tongue darting over his lips, “Of course, I...” I stood still, fighting against the urge to ring my fingers together. I fussed with the bottom of my shirt taking a step closer to him as I went to leave. There was a reason for the movement; I wanted him to catch me more than anything, I wanted him to spin me, kiss me. Tell me there was some way to avoid it all, that we could escape Four, escape Snow and escape the games.

He did catch me, but not with the right words. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let...”

“Let?” In the same way it had those weeks ago with his revelation about the arena my emotions flipped and instead I exploded. “Well I’m so sorry you felt like you had to let me do that.”

“That isn’t what I me-“

I bit my tongue hard, copper filling my mouth as I flung my arms up, storming from the room. He took a second but soon enough his own feet were slamming on the stairs behind me. “Elle, stop it.” I went to grab my shoes but it let him catch up so I chucked them back onto the ground. “For Gods sake Elle, you’re being…”

“Well, please if you don’t mind letting me…” I tore open the front door. “Leave.” His hand met the wooden panels, stopping my escape. He didn’t speak and I took several shaky breaths until my heart stopped thudding just so hard. “You understand just how confusing you’re being right now, right?”

His chuckle was full of sarcasm, “And you’re not.”

“Don’t.” My heart stops instead now, aching. My mouth is dry and leaves me a lie, “I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“Are you?” My back is still to him and I don’t make any sort of gesture. “I’m not.”

I want to hear him out but the rejection is still drifting over my skin, stinging like mites. “I’m not playing this.” He lifts his hand from the door as if he was going to touch me and I take the chance, dragging the door open, “Save the games for the arena Finnick.”