Inhale

Finnick speaks as soon as the carriage draws to a halt, as usual with the annoyingly care free look on his face. “Well, that was fun.” It's for the audience, not for me who's still trembling slightly beside him. His hand touches over mine quickly as if asking for permission but he's back to 'Capitol Finnick' and I let him go, Brutus lumbers over to him straight away, winking at me in a way that makes my insides drop further.

I don't want to be down here any longer than I have to be. I stay on the carriage, watching everyone else pull in. The other wall lowers itself and the loud cheers of the audience are dulled. It had been very easy to make out one word in particular, and I looked at the source. She unlinks her hand from Peeta, and jumps from the carriage. I needed to move too, my stomach was settling a little.

I had no idea where Finnick had gone but I could see Mags with Haymitch. It could only be a possible alliance. Mags is getting to work early and I wonder exactly how much she knows.
I climb cautiously down, smiling a little at Cecelia as I pass her. She was struggling to get Woof to follow her to the elevator and he was rambling on about a work shift. Pity for someone else, rather than my self for a change made my chest tight. It may be a blessing that he seemed to have little idea what was going on. He may even be unaware as the sharks from District Two devour him.

Mags turns to me as I draw close, and places her wrinkled hand gently on her arm. I say hello lightly to Haymitch, doing the same as Chaff and Seeder from District Eleven come over. Seeder and Mags get on fairly well, whilst we all know how close Chaff and Haymitch are. That's a relationship formed purely on a love of alcohol.

I can feel myself slipping, the anxiety easily building again when I realise I'm missing conversation and Katniss and Peeta appear with some sarcastic line towards their mentor. She's smaller than I thought even with her heels on and Peeta looks much more boyish close-up.

Mags lets go of my arm, mutters something to Seeder and starts towards the elevators. I intend to follow her when Haymitch begins speaking even louder, stopping me in my tracks. “Well, I want you to meet some special friends of mine. Elenia from District Four, and Seeder and Chaff, from District Eleven.” I can tell from the expression on Peeta's face that this news surprises him a little, although he smiles at me, a dimple appearing in one cheek. He goes to speak but Chaff steps forward links his massive remaining arm around Katniss and drags her forward, a loud smack as he kisses her square on the lips. Haymitch and Chaff seem to find this hilarious, whilst under the thick make-up, I can see Katniss turning red. I almost want to giggle at the absurdity of it, but don't dare. I need them on side. I have to remember the bigger picture.

“That's sweet.” I say lowly so it can be ignored if they choose too, “You're a true romantic Chaff.”

“A gentleman.” Seeder agrees, a good-natured jest that backs me up. I'm trying to think what else I can say when Johanna stalks over, the peacekeepers are starting to herd us towards the elevators now. She doesn't speak to anyone else and chooses to just bump into my shoulder, about as polite as she gets. I make my apologies and follow her towards the elevators. Watching as she fiddles with her necklace and tears it off.

I'm waiting for her to attack me if I'm honest. Any humour at the previous situation has completely drained and I feel awful once again. I'm pretty disgusted in raising to her taunts. “Johanna I didn't mean-”

“Wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it.” She answers curtly, now attacking her hair. “Not with the amount you actually do speak anyway.”

“I'm so-”

“Hmmm.” I clamp my mouth shut, teeth grating against the inside of my cheek. Nothing I say will fix this, not smart enough to be able to defend myself. We hover in silence before an elevator appears. Haymitch, Katniss and Peeta tread around us. Johanna sticks out a clawed hand and grabs mine, turning to me and plastering on a huge smile. Her eyes are dangerous enough that I do the same, although I'm about as confused as can be.

Haymitch shuffles and lets me lean against the glass next to him, leaving Peeta and Johanna in the middle of the confined space. Johanna continues to play with her costume, although she is now removing her jumpsuit, even asking Peeta to unzip it for her.

“I was just saying to Elenia,” Johanna starts, a lie in itself, “That you guys look amazing, my stylist is such an idiot! Our tributes have been trees for forty years under her. Wish I’d gotten Cinna. Or even Luine of all people!” I lifted a brow as she looked at me, tugging the top of her outfit down over her chest, “I’d love to put my axe in her face.”

Haymitch meets my eye-line and rolls his slightly as she perseveres with her effort to make us all uncomfortable, undressing further until she was entirely naked. It wasn't hard to see how much Peeta was struggling to keep his eyes on her face as she continued to rant. The elevator finally stops on my floor and I brush very carefully past her, offering a quiet goodbye. I got a couple in response, but not from Katniss. I wasn't surprised. She wasn't going to trust us anyway, not with Finnick playing it completely wrong with her. It hadn't been the best start.

The Capitol hadn't tainted her yet, she was still somewhat normal. We must seem like a bunch of freaks. But if Katniss was confused that was nothing, the whole ceremony was a muddle of things. Cashmere proclaiming for Gloss. Finnick so close to Katniss, offering her sugar. The roar of the crowd as District Twelve came into the open. Haymitch addressing me as a 'special friend'. Johanna's reaction and pretence of another friendship.

I couldn't make heads or tails of most of it. I was so out of my depth. My pulse didn't decrease, and Luine leapt at me as soon as I was in the room, “Oh, I ran up here as fast as I could. You looked so beautiful.” Mags has the most irritated expression next to her, obviously, she had received the brunt of it. “You did get here quick.”

“I ran up the back stairs through the kitchen, I was so excited!” She continues, clasping my hands, “Now quick, get changed and we can eat before they show it on the screens!” I looked at Naloh who appears equally tired in her company.

It worked either way, you fed off her energy and felt a little better yourself as I did now or you wanted to wring her neck. “I’ll have a shower.” I promise, “You should have one as well Mags, it's so hot and dusty down there.”

She nods quickly, eager to escape and went into her own room whilst Luine kept up a steady stream of fashion chatter, “But Cinna and Portia? They’ve absolutely outdone themselves again. I was trying to find a way to work it into your costume but obviously, water and fire don’t mix too well and, oh Finnick, there you are!”

I heard the door slide shut and twisted, Finnick still looked gorgeous, if not a little putout. She darts to him next, the same babble and I took my chance to slither to my room and get out of the dress, leaving it in a crumple on the floor. It took several minutes to get all of the pins out of my hair, a headache starting to form.

Haymitch would have had some game introducing me as he had. And Johanna was more than likely trying to lull me into a false sense of security so she could kill me during training. That did make me smile, it would make things very awkward for the game makers if they were to lose a tribute. My lips twist instead, they'd still need someone and that would mean Mags or Andromeda. The very thing I wanted to avoid. I shook my head, trying to free it from such thoughts but finding them sticking, imagining various scenarios, mostly involving Brutus and Katniss with her bow.

Were they who I was most scared of?

I'd have to speak to Finnick tonight, well in some form. I wouldn't dare discuss anything that really worried me, who knew if we were being listened to. With everything that had happened, I was certain we must be bugged, even in our bedrooms. I distract myself looking for any sign of a camera as I get into the shower, sinking back and letting hot heavy droplets rain over me, my hands coming away black as I wipe over my face. I grimace and start rubbing sweet smelling soap over my body and a vast amount of conditioner into my hair. Swiftly I can feel the curls go into the usual heavy waves on my upper back, sticking to the thin skin.

“Elenia?” I don't reply, pushing my head further into the water, hearing the blurred request to come out for dinner soon. After wasting a few more minutes I turn off the shower, squeezing my hair tightly and slipping a towel around my body, replacing it with a tank top and pyjama bottoms.

I wipe the remaining black from around my eyes and moved slowly back into the bathroom, brushing my hair and drying it on another extravagant device, wasting another minute before finally leaving my bedroom, the carpet soft under my feet until polished wood took over its place.

“Finally,” Naloh grumbles as I pull out the chair beside Luine, sitting down heavily and pointedly ignoring him. “The show is on in about half an hour,” Luine told me, hardly any food in front of her, which explained easily how she was so especially tiny this year. I’d always been thin but her thighs had to be about the same width as the top of my arms. I pout but continue to fill my plate, trying to distract myself from the anxiety nibbling like Luine attacking a stick of carrot.

It shouldn’t worry me that she was obviously starving herself. In a few days, I’d likely be famished trying to find some food whilst dodging daggers, possibly arrows. Probably arrows.

I didn’t offer anything to the conversation, letting Marck and Naloh control it. Something hit my foot and I looked up from my plate to see Finnick. He quickly catches both of my legs between his, trapping them and making me whine with the effort to wrench them back. He grins, a conspirator but I can't return it, the food is tasteless and hard to swallow.

“Alright?” Luine asked and I lie quickly, taking another long sip of a thick fruit flavoured smoothie. “Good nutrients in that actually, you should have one as well Finnick, you too Mags! I did this diet once where...”

No-one argued or even listened, watching the female avox that served us make some and handing more out. I thank her, ignoring Naloh tutting and adding in another thank-you simply to irritate him before she went back to her post. I always questioned what she did to end up like that. I wonder if President Snow knew what Thom was planning he'd end up the same way, or worse. I shove bread in my mouth as if to eradicate that thought.

“It is a good point though Luine, you must both remember to eat healthily, the games, after all, are in a few days.” Naloh reminded us with a bitter voice, and I could imagine his face hidden behind my curtain of hair as I pour a large helping of custard into a bowl. Mags smirks at me and I return this one, leaning over to pass the bowl to her, grabbing some of the melted chocolate instead.

“If we’re done being childish...”

“Naloh,” Luine scolded, “Do stop it! Let’s just enjoy the meal.” Marck seconded her opinion but a few minutes later we were done anyway and moved to the large curved sofa, the screen turning on as Ceasar appeared with that terribly white smile. He had a co-anchor, some huge purple woman I didn't recognise.

They started with the usual business of exploring the opening ceremony in a painful amount of detail. Luine commented along as she often did, mainly about outfits and hair styling. She sat very close to Marck I noted, perhaps they were now a thing. I couldn't keep up.

I'd purposefully placed myself between Finnick and Mags and the former's arm was resting on the back of the couch behind me, ever so often his fingers would catch on a chunk of my hair and he'd twirl it. It was a relaxing notion, and it made the long spectacle a little less painful.

I had barely listened to Snow's speech the first time, too nervous and too busy concentrating on not looking like I couldn't breathe. I focused better now, it was the usual nonsense, but with a few extra lines thrown in about the strength of victors, the importance of each citizen and District playing their role so that Panem could continue to thrive.

The cameras moved back and forth, lingering, as per usual, on their favourites. Finnick got a fair amount of screen time, and thankfully whenever I too was in the shot I didn't look as green as I had felt. A lot of the time though, and not unexpectedly, the shot would drift towards Katniss and Peeta, whose costumes were still glimmering. They did look fantastic. Cinna, and whatever their other stylist was called had really outdone themselves once again.

Finally, the show draws to a close, although Ceasar welcomes us to continue watching as they recap instantly. Luine and Marck leave hand in hand not long after, Luine drawing me into another hug and quickly making sure I remember exactly where my training outfits are. I assure her I do several times, even as her 'help' starts to become a little tedious and she is speaking through how I should do my hair, and to guarantee I do have some makeup on. Marck is eager to go, tapping his foot on the ground and shooting Finnick a low grin. That irks me and when they finally leave I don't bother saying goodbye to him.

Thankfully Naloh doesn't linger much longer, muttering about some party and vanishing through the glass doorway. The relief is evident and Mags rubs her hands over her brow, grumbling a few barely coherent words about his attitude disdainfully. After she wets her mouth she asks about our plan for tomorrow, the first day of training. “We'll sort something Mags.” I promise a little wearily, “You keep on at Haymitch.” She pulls a face and I smile again. A few minutes later she practically sends us both to bed, hobbling over to the avox to ask for her specially spiced milk.

Finnick walks me to my door, it's the closest to alone we've been all day. “Where do you want to go?” He lifts his brow, looks down the hall as if Naloh was likely to materialise and kisses me softly. It's a short kiss but still leaves me a little breathless. “Give me a couple of hours.” I feel my mouth tense and teeth grate. “Nothing bad.” He promises, “I just need a bit of time to just digest...” he gestures down the colourful hallway. “All of this. Couple of hours, I promise.”

“I get it.” I lie, nodding and crinkling my nose as he kisses my forehead. “In a bit then.”

“In a bit.” I slip into my room. I don't want the sense of rejection bubbling up inside me to get any stronger. It's not aimed at me, and I can't be cross at him for wanting time for himself. I am though, a little bit. But that's just me being selfish again, I want him so I can fire all these weird little situations I've been in throughout the day and ask him what it means, what I should do. He obviously has his own list of things he needs to work through. I cannot expect him to baby me 24/7.

I close the door carefully, and it blocks out pretty much all sound so I can't tell if he's moved away or not. Either way, he doesn't knock at my door so I head over to the window, flicking through the options until I can see the Capitol outside. There's no hiding now, not from what's coming and as much as I would love to look at soft beaches or snowy hills that's not real. I need to keep my head planted in reality. And I do need to think about tomorrow.

I have to come across as confident, somewhat at least. I'm going to smile, and I'm going to keep myself in check. If we've decided that Peeta is our way in I need to put in the time. Not too much, not too desperately either or it's obvious. We might be fighting off other alliances for them as well.

Finnick may want to spend some time together, but more than likely that won't happen. Not with 'Capitol Finnick' and what the entails. At least he's far more comfortable speaking to the others, and it benefits us both to have as much of an idea about our fellow Victors as possible – who may want to join who, who is angry, who is the most dangerous.

I stare out, there's a party not far from the building, it may even be where Naloh is. I can see people on the balcony, a couple sprawled over each other and sprinklers raining down on the square beneath. I hate it here.

I sweep back to my bed. I could have another shower to pass some time. I throw that idea aside, I want to go to Finnick, of course I do. I won't though, he wants time and I can't force myself on him. I flop back, running through the day again.

Had it been what I had expected? I wasn't sure anymore. It hadn't been horrific, but at the very same time, it had been. I go through my training clothes, picking some out and placing them on the plush chair in the corner. They're standard active-wear, the most conservative pieces there. I've still only been in my room alone for about an hour and I'm struggling.

No sign of Finnick – that's fine. I tell myself that's fine.

I don't want to disturb Mags either. I let out the umpteenth sigh and head over to the panel on the opposite side. I ask for water, sleeping pills and sleep syrup. The pills are just backup, I don't want to take them because they will knock me out. The syrup, however, a spoonful of it is likely to at least help me doze until Finnick arrives, and horrible thoughts are starting to creep back into mind.

Thom should be safe now. He just has to keep a low profile. I'm still terrified he'll do something stupid, or he'll get caught out with that ridiculous tattoo. All too easily I'm back in the main square, back watching Luka take his final breath and his eyes flickering towards us in the crowd. I can hear the gunshot and it's too much. I take a big gulp of the liquid, barely reaching the bed before I can feel the heaviness hit my limbs.

I should have gone for the pills. Sleeping syrup doesn't stop you from dreaming.

For a while it's Luine, babbling in my ear, clothes wrapping tightly around me. They become wire, around my body and arms, holding me back, pinning me to my knees as they start to cut into my flesh. There's some whistle, laughing and white teeth gleam, growing sharp and golden tipped. Enobaria, laughing as the square from home appears around me, cobbles hot under my bare feet. The countdown rang out, the shots. Luka’s brains splattering onto that wall and I look desperately around me for Thom, feeling a hand grope at me. Another enemy coming to kill me. Luka screams.

I wake up yelling, and a hand slams over my face. I can’t make sense of it for a moment, feeling how wet my face is, the panic and need to escape overwhelmingly. “Shhh.” The hand was attached to an arm, a body, Mags. Not an enemy, a friend.

I nod at her, my body slick with sweat and I'm panting, back heaving. She draws her hand away, wiping it delicately on her nightgown. I watch her stand up, her knees cracking loudly before she sits on the edge of my bed. I'm still struggling to breathe properly, and it's not just sweat on my face, my eyes sting and Mags goes in and out of focus. She leans forward again, her hand on my forehead quickly as if to test my temperature before she pushes me back into the mattress. I must have shot up at some point during my nightmare.

She dabs at me, her face barely illuminated by the light from outside. I don't remember turning my bedroom light off. She fans my hair across the pillow, just how Finnick had done back in his bedroom. Back at home. A different wave of upset strikes me in an instant and I'm choking again, a dagger in my chest.

That was it, I couldn’t have any of them in any way. Not here, and not now.

I’d done everything the Capitol had asked of me, I'd done what Snow wanted, what Crane wanted. I'd won their Hunger Games once and become a despicable person for their amusement. It didn't matter. I didn't save Luka. I couldn't help Thom now, not anymore. I wouldn't be able to get Peeta to trust me, why would he? I couldn't help Finnick with this impossible idea of rebellion. All I would do was hinder him, hold him back.

But if it didn't work, when it didn't work, I could lose them all.

I can't stop the crying now, everything that had been growing inside me seems to erupt. But it's silent, I'm choking on it, suffocating on grief, pulled up by firm hands into Mags' shoulder, struggled soft words floating past me into the dark. I'm trying to stop myself, but each pause just allows glimmers of Luka's last moments to dance across my vision and I fall again.

I was so powerless.

I don’t know how long I cry for but when I finally pull away, sniffling and hiccuping still, my throat feels raw and my whole face hurts, no doubt swollen. “Sorry.” I garble, her pushing my hair back again from where it has caught on my tears, “I don’t w...want t..t..to keep crying about it.”

She smiles, cupping my face again. “Crying doesn’t make you weak my love.” She struggles with the words but it was one of the longest things I had heard her say in weeks. I lick my lip, it tastes of salt. There's more I need to say to Mags, something that needs addressing and now is as bad a time as any so I force it out, hiccuping several times throughout, “You get why I couldn't let you do this, don't you?” I had to know she understood, she had to know how much she meant to me, to Finnick, to all of us. I didn't want her cross at me. That small thing along was unbearable.

She takes a few moments to reply, and her voice seems ancient when it does. “I know.” She wants to say something else, I can tell but she doesn't allow herself. Instead, she indicates for me to lay back down. She pulls the sheet up to my chest for the second time, tucking me in like an infant even though she can't hide her wince at the continuous pain flowing through her fingers. “Try, get some sleep.” She's nearly out of the door before I thank her. It's not enough, those two short words, especially not for how much needs to fit in them. I can't see her face now, she's shrouded in the shadows but I hope she smiles.