Wildest Dreams

My body feels weak. Strands of hair have fallen from the messy bun on my head and stuck to the sweat of my cheek and neck. My arms feel like they're weighted down with cement, my legs numb. Reality is a world away as I suck in a deep breath and try to push the lightheadedness away. Nausea grips my stomach like a vice and I almost succumb to it but then I hear a sound.

A baby crying.

My baby crying.

“Miss Haner? Mariah, can you hear me?” A light is shown directly into my pupils and I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Yes, my baby. Can I hold my son?” I mumble out as my eyes flicker around the room until they land on a nurse in blue scrubs holding my tiny infant in her arms as he wails. I rest my head black on the pillow and stare at him as the nurse wipes him down, wrapping him in a soft blue blanket when she's finished. I'm so distracted by the baby in her arms I don't even notice the whirl of activity in the room as the doctor checks to make sure I'm okay and the nurses check my monitors.

“A healthy boy, Miss Haner. He’s perfect.” The nurse holding him tells me as she delicately rests him on my chest.

Tears stream uncontrollably down my cheeks as I cradle the bundle in my arms. They're tears of joy. I have never felt so much love in my life. His crying has slowed to a steady whimper, but after a few moments of skin to skin contact he quiets. I press my dry lips to the top of his head and take in the comforting smell of a newborn baby. I had heard that that smell is like heaven to a woman, but I'd never experienced it before. Not like this. A woman comes over to me and removes my legs from the stirrups after the doctor has finished looking me over.

“Congratulations.” The doctor tells me before washing his hands and exiting the room.

Before I know it I'm left with just one nurse as she places a blue woven cap onto the baby’s head. The flurry of nurses and nurses aids had quickly dispersed when they realized the baby was perfectly healthy from what they could see and they were no longer needed.

“We’ll need to run a few tests, make sure he's as healthy as he looks. Do you have a name picked out?” A few ideas run through my head but I've known for over two months now what his name would be. The moment I learned he was going to be a boy I knew even if I never admitted it out loud. His father had run over my heart with a bus, backed up, and ran over it again. Still, the hazel eyes of the child I'd spent sixteen hours giving birth to confirmed that he was as much like his father in looks as I could imagine.

“Matthew Cash.” The nurse picks up the clipboard attached to the mobile crib and scribbles the name down.

“Cash. That's unique, I like it. Now, would you like to try breast feeding?” She asks as I stare down at my son who has quieted and his eyes are focused on me.

“Yes, if you think that's best.” I look up at her, my nerves taking over. I'm not prepared for this. I don't know what I'm doing.

“We can give it a try. If he's not responsive to it right away that's okay.” She comes over and unties the neck of the hospital gown I'm wearing to expose my upper body while reaching down to push the button on the bed to raise me into an upright position. Part of me almost feels embarrassed, but after the last day there's no reason.

“Guide his mouth where you want him to go.” She explains as I lift him up just enough and he begins to nuzzle against me. It only takes a moment for him to find my nipple and I reach down and brush my finger along his cheek. His mouth opens and he searches around for a moment before he latched on, his eyes closing. “Very good!” The nurse exclaims. “He's a quick learner. That's rare around here. It takes some moms hours before they get the hang of it.”

All I can do is stare down at the tiny human I created.

“This is all so.. I know I had nine months to prepare but it's different. It's so much more than I expected.”

“You're a little overwhelmed. That's normal.” The nurse stays in the room, checking over my monitors and scribbling things down on clipboards, the only sound being the soft whir of the heart rate monitor beside me. Some time later when he's had enough, she comes back over to tie up my gown. My eyes begin to flutter closed and she reaches to take the baby from me.

“You get some rest and I'll watch over this little one like he's my own. I'll bring him to you when it's time to feed him again.” She goes to walk out, pushing the crib as she goes before turning back to me. “Is your family on the way? Should I call someone for you?” I shake my head no and twirl a piece of loose string on the blanket tucked around me around my finger.

“No, it's just me. Thank you, though.” She pauses for a moment.

“I'm Denise if you ever need anything. Just push that button and I'll be right down.”

I'm snapped back to reality by the sweet hazel eyes of the son I was just remembering as a baby. The silence is interrupted by his sweet voice as I try to shake the sleepiness away.

“Look, mama.” He climbs into my lap on the couch where I was curled up almost asleep and holds out his arm while yanking up his sleeve. I sit up and flick on the lamp beside the couch to get a better look and see temporary batman tattoos littering his chubby arm. Every inch of exposed skin is covered by the fake ink and I've never seen him look so proud of himself.

“Wow, baby. Look at you!” I exclaim as I take his little wrist in my hand and turn his arm over to get a full look.

“Like daddy.” The grin on his face is priceless and I kiss the top of his head.

“You look just like daddy.” Matt pops his head around the corner and smiles.

“It was the only way to keep him quiet while you slept. Sorry if he woke you up.”

“It's okay, I wasn't asleep. I was just remembering.” I set Cash back down on his own two legs and he slams into Matt’s knees full force, hugging the much larger man’s thighs while making what he calls ‘dinosaur’ noises.

“Watcha thinking about?” Matt asks as he reaches down and lifts his son into his arms.

“Him.” I motion towards Cash. “How far I've come. I had no clue what I was doing when he was born. But there was this nurse, Denise I think was her name. Without her I don't know if I could have done it.”

“I'm sorry you were alone, Mariah.” I smile up at him as I stand from the couch and walk over to my little family.

“I'm not mad.” I brush the hair out of Cash’s face and kiss his forehead as his dad holds him in his arms. I lock eyes with Matt. “It made me a better mom, I think. Not a perfect mom, but the best one I could be.” I pause for a moment. “Anyway, why are you freshly showered and looking hot?” I tease looking him up and down. Matt sets Cash down once more and takes my hands in his. Cash toddles off into the kitchen leaving the two of us alone.

“I'm stepping out for a few hours.” I look down at my phone to see it's nearing eight at night.

“Right now? Where are you going?” I can tell there's something he's not telling me as he takes his phone out of his pocket to check for notifications.

“You're just going to get upset.” I pull away from him and furrow my brows.

“I'm going to be upset if you don't tell me.” My tone is sharp. Matt let's out a loud sigh before running one hand through his hair.

“Brian and I are going to meet with Chris.” I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. I knew this day was coming, but it had been so quiet without any disturbances from my ex I just hoped he would go away. I knew that was too good to be true. I hadn't heard from Chris because Matt had been in contact with him. Matt has been keeping it a secret.

“Why didn't you tell me you've been talking to him?”

“You have enough going on. Your dad, Cash, getting your life back together. I can handle Chris.”

“But he's my problem.” Matt presses one hand to my cheek and smiles.

“And you're mine. So what's your point?” He leans down and presses a kiss to my lips before reaching for his keys in his pocket. “I'll call you when it's done. Put the kid to bed and be in something sexy when I get home.” He teases before kissing me one last time and heading for the door.