Wildest Dreams

The sound of my feet hitting the pavement in the black Nike tennis shoes fills my ears. I try to hone in on that sound to keep my mind from going anywhere else. My hands grip the handle of the jogging stroller as I push myself further, my legs burning, my chest heaving up and down. Cash doesn't mind the swift pace. He enjoys pointing at all the houses as we speed by and he chatters away about the different colored flowers and leaves on the trees.

”We, the jury, find the defendant, Matthew Charles Sanders, to be guilty of the charge of second degree murder.”

I let my mind wander for just a moment and I instantly regret it. My eyes snap closed and I slow my pace to stop and catch my breath. I press my palms to my forehead and force the voices back into the depths of my mind where I don't have to answer to them.

“What are we doing, mama?” Cash turns around in his seat and cranes his neck to look at me behind him. “Why’d we stop?”

“Mama just needs a little break.” I force a smile and suck in a few deep breaths. Since he was taken, leaving Cash with anyone else even just long enough for me to go for a run is out of the question. The little brunette boy will cry and scream himself into such a frenzy the neighbors can probably hear him. I had hired a child psychologist and she seems sweet enough, but no progress has been made yet.

Once I've got myself under control, I take the stroller handle once more and take off back down the sidewalk towards home. My movements are slower this time, my legs too heavy to keep up the rigorous pace from when we first set out.

When we come to our house my eyes lock on the ‘For Sale’ sign in the front yard with a picture of the realtor I had hired below. Her name is Antoinette Brekowsky, and she swears she can sell our houses for enough to come out on top as well as have a nice down payment for the one I'm looking to buy.

The decision had been made after Matt’s verdict was given. He didn't want me living in the same house by myself where Cash had been taken so he told me to get rid of it.

”Sell it. That place is full of bad memories. Downsize. Buy a house on the beach.” Matt watches Cash color a picture on the metal top table in the visitation room of the jail before he’s transferred to the state prison. It takes all of my strength not to break down when I see the sadness written all across Matt’s face, but he has always been strong for me and now that's my turn. “I'm going to miss his whole life.” Matt whispers out without looking up at me.

“Don't say that. Ten years with good behavior baby, you could be out in six. Five, even.”

“What then? We just go back to life as it was before?” His eyes burn a hole through me and my heart sinks. “Hey, Cash?” The little boy looks up at his father with a lopsided grin.

“What, daddy?”

“You know I love you, right? No matter what?” Cash giggles and scoots the picture of Scooby Doo over to his dad, but since he was only given a purple and a red crayon, the typically brown dog has been colored zebra stripe in the only two colors Cash had.

“Yes, lookie, Scooby has stripes.”

“I love it so much, thank you.” I can see the tears in Matt’s eyes as he stands from the table and I raise my eyebrow at him in confusion. “Don't bring him to see me, again.” His voice is low enough that the toddler doesn't overhear.

“Matt, wait.” I lift Cash off of my lap into my arms and start to round the table but Matt holds a hand up to stop me.

“You probably shouldn't come either.”

“What are you saying?” I cry out, my heart ripping to shreds in my chest.

“Brian will be out in sixteen months. There won't be any reason for you to come visit after that. I'm taking you off of my list.” He averts his gaze from me and begins to head back over to one of the guards to be taken back to his cell. "It's the best thing for both of you."

“Please don't do this.” My voice is shaky and I hoist Cash onto my hip as he holds the two crayons on his chubby hands. Red and purple.

“It's what's best.” He repeats. There's no emotion on his face or in his voice. It's like he's hollow as he looks at me one last time.

“Miss, I have to lead you this way.” An officer tells me in a calm voice as he takes my upper arm.

“What?” I glance at the man before watching Matt be buzzed back through the electric door.

“This way, Miss.” Cash begins to sniffle at the stranger and latches his arms around my neck. I brush one hand up and down his back to soothe him as Matt disappears from view and I turn my attention to the officer.

“I'm sorry, what were you saying?” The man gives me a warm smile, he's much friendlier than you'd expect at a jail, and motions towards the visitor exit. “Oh, right. Thank you.” I make my way towards the exit, my brain swimming, leaving the Red and purple Scooby Doo abandoned on the metal table top.



The house is a flurry of activity. My father is in the kitchen cooking who knows what for lunch, Samantha is running the vacuum in the living room, and Johnny and Kyle are out on the back patio with pool skimmers. Amelia is in the backyard playing with Bella, her giggles so carefree can be heard through the open patio door.

The group of people I consider family have not left me alone in days. My father brought a bag and sleeps in the spare room. He doesn't want me sleeping here alone with Cash after everything that has happened.

“Hey, hunny. How was your run?” Brian Sr. asks with a warm smile as I unbuckle Cash from the stroller.

“Good. I'm going to take a shower.” Cash stays by my side and looks up at me as I take my hair down from the pony tail and grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “You want to eat some cereal with papa while I take a shower? I'll be quick.” I ask the little one as he glances from me to his grandfather.

“I got your favorite cereal, the kind with the dinosaur marshmallows.” My father tries to convince Cash to give me some time alone with the box of multicolored cereal he loves so much. “You can help me cook, too.” Cash seems hesitant but nods and my father picks him up and sets him in the high chair.

“Thanks, dad.”

“Be right back?” Cash asks me in a sweet voice and I step over to kiss the top of his head.

“I'll be so fast you won't even know I'm gone.” My son smiles up at me as I brush my hand over his cheek and head for the stairs.

When I get into the bathroom I close the door and slide down to the tile floor. I bury my head in my hands, but no tears come. Only anger and frustration coarse through my body now. It's been two weeks since I've seen or heard from Matt and it's starting to take its toll on me.

I stand from the floor and pull my shirt over my head before reaching into the shower to turn the spray on. When I look at myself in the mirror my eyes trail from my messy hair, hollow eyes, further down to my stomach where the slightest of swelling can be seen. You wouldn't notice if you weren't looking, but it's there. I've taken eight home tests to be certain. My hand rests over my lower abdomen and I will myself to have the strength to do this without him for the second time.

After my shower I wander back downstairs to see the table set and the whole room smells like Mexican food.

“Smells amazing, dad.”

“We made taco bowls, mama.” Cash’s voice is full of pride as he carries a bowl of food over to show me.

“Wow, you did so good!” I take the bowl from him and lift him into my arms.

“This ones for you. I made it special. Papa said if I put my love in it, you'll feel it here.” My son places his hand over my heart and grins up at me.

“Of course I feel it, my love.” I kiss his forehead and sit him on my lap as I take a seat at the dining room table. Everyone comes in and loads up their plates with my father’s famous fajita bowl and the table is almost silent as they dig in.

“Zack stopped by today.” Kyle speaks up as she takes a sip from her cherry coke.

“How is he?” My voice is filled with concern for the man who took a bullet for my kid.

“His shoulder is healing pretty good. He was going to wait for you to get back from your run but he had a physical therapy appointment. He wants you to call him.” I make a mental note to call and check in with him.

“Also, we were thinking about someone’s birthday coming up.” Samantha tickles Cash’s chin as the words leave her mouth and Cash erupts in a fit of giggles. “Maybe you could let us plan it?” She motions towards herself and Kyle. “One last thing for you to worry about.”

Thoughts of my son’s third birthday coming up in three weeks had slipped my mind after everything with Matt and I feel like the worlds worst mother. I push those feelings to the side and smile at my friend while picking at my fajita bowl.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well, we were thinking maybe a Jurassic Park theme since the kid loves dinosaurs.” Cash’s face lights up as he turns to stare up at me.

“Please, mama! Dinosaurs!” Amelia giggles and claps while chanting ‘dinosaurs’ over and over which causes all of the adults to laugh.

“If you want dinosaurs, then dinosaurs you'll get.” My stomach starts to turn as the words leave my mouth and I push the bowl away from me. Everyone begins discussing party ideas so they don't notice the change in my demeanor. My father gives me a concerned look as sweat builds on my forehead and I lift Cash out of my lap and hand him to his papa.

“You okay?”

“I'll be right back.” I push my chair back and rush into the downstairs bathroom to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl.

I reach for a wash cloth once I'm finished and sit back on the tile floor to catch my breath. There's a soft knock on the door and Kyle peeks her head in before forcing her way in the rest of the way when she sees me on the floor.

“Mariah, are you okay?” She runs the water and takes the wash cloth from me to get it wet before pressing it to my forehead.

“I'm fine. Just pregnant.” A sarcastic laugh leaves my lips as I roll my eyes and press my head back against the wall. Kyle stares at me, her expression blank for a moment.

“What?” She asks after a moment of silence.

“Ten weeks or so.”

“When did you find out? Why doesn't anyone know?” She kneels down in front of me and brushes my hair out of my face.

“I completely missed it with everything going on with Cash and Matt. I found out last week. The doctor said I'm really lucky I didn't miscarry after Chris beat the shit out of me.”

“Something good can always come from a shit situation.” She whispers with a reassuring smile.

“Except now I have to do this alone, again.” My eyes begin to burn and I bite my bottom lip.

“You're not alone, Mariah. You have all of us. Matt will come around, you'll see. He's just hurting right now and he's trying to protect you and Cash.”

“But I can't even tell him. I'd have to send a goddamn letter, and that's if he would even read it.”

“What if I go talk to him?” She rests her hands on my knees and gives one a squeeze. “I could tell him you really need to see him. If he doesn't listen, then I'll tell him myself.” I take one of her hands in mine.

“You really are the best friend I never deserved.” She drags me to my feet and gives me a warm embrace.

“Brush your teeth and let's go tell everyone the good news.” She smacks my ass on her way out the door to wait for me and I do as she says.

When we walk back into the dining room all eyes are on me and Kyle takes my hand once more to encourage me to say what I need to say.

“So, I'm pregnant.” I shrug my shoulders nervously at the group of people and it takes a moment before they digest what I've just said.

“Oh my god!” Samantha squeals after a second before standing from her chair and almost knocking me over to wrap me in a hug. It's like all at once Johnny and my father remember how their mouths work as they come over to congratulate and give me a hug. Cash toddles over after seeing everyone do the same and he looks up at me.

“What's that mean, mama?” Samantha kneels down to be at eye level with my son and points at my stomach.

“It means there's a baby inside your mommy’s tummy.” Cash’s eyes go wide as he reaches for the bottom hem of my shirt. He pulls it up and stares at my stomach for a moment before looking back at the rest of the group.

“There's nothing in there.” Everyone laughs at the silly kid but his look of confusion doesn't relent. He really has no idea what that means. I pick him up and kiss his forehead.

“You can't see the baby. It's inside, underneath my skin.” The look on his face is still unsure as we all sit back down at the dining room table to finish lunch.

I sit and talk with them since the thought of taking one more bite makes my stomach turn. My father reaches across the back of my chair and wraps his arm around my shoulder in a way that tells me maybe everything will be okay after all.