Wildest Dreams
Trolls
My head is swimming with thoughts as I stare up at the concrete ceiling from the top bunk. I'd gotten lucky enough to be assigned to a cell by myself, so the bottom bunk is empty, not even a sheet lies on top of it.
I can't shake the way she looked in that dress. Mariah has been the girl from my dreams for as long as I have known her. I can't erase the image of her smile or the way she’d begged for me to reconsider. A piece of me wanted her to stay away so I wouldn't have to see her, because seeing her is a reminder of everything I want and need.
I'm not sure what I did in one of my past lives to deserve someone like her, but I'm thankful every day I'm stuck in this hell. Most women would've abandoned all hope when they heard the guilty verdict, but not Mariah. She'd accepted my fate the way she does most things, with a calm grace I envy. She'd rather hide her emotions if it means I won't worry about her, but I do anyway.
I fucking miss her. The way she smells after a shower, her lips, the feather-like touch of her hands that drives me crazy when the lights are off and Cash is asleep. The sounds she makes when I'm buried inside of her is enough to drive me mad. I snap my eyes closed at the torturous memories, her fingers gripping the sheets hard enough to turn her knuckles white, lips parted, eyes hooded and filled with lust. I have to stop myself when I feel my pants get tighter and I let out a shaky breath. I won't have Mariah like that anytime soon, I have to stop torturing myself.
When you're surrounded by men day in and day out with no escape, your thoughts become your only hideaway. I don't want to make friends. I want to be alone with thoughts of the life I have outside of here.
I'd do anything to sleep beside her one last time even if that meant killing someone else. I'd burn the whole state of California to the ground if it meant I could be with my family. I had spent three years without her before, three miserable fucking years where I'd wake up with the sudden urge to put a bullet in my brain.
What will Cash think of me in ten years? Will he even remember who his father is? He's so little and fragile I could easily be erased from his life. Now that I have him, I refuse a life that doesn't revolve around him. My kid will be a teenager by the time I'm free from this shit hole if I serve my maximum sentence. The baby Mariah is carrying will almost be double digits. I will have missed it all, even if she swears there will still be time.
A second kid. Another pregnancy Mariah has to go through without me. I'd underestimated her strength before. I thought she would come running back, if not to me then her brother and father, before she had Cash after she left, but she didn't. I know that she can handle this, but she shouldn't have to. I need to be there, I have to.
I have to get out of here.
The party store is a flurry of multi colored streamers and balloons in every direction. My eyes bounce around the different themed aisles as Samantha and Kyle ramble about the cake and what they want to get Cash for his third birthday.
“I saw this giant remote control dinosaur at Target the other day. It's like a foot shorter than I am.” Kyle exaggerates as she waves her hands in a gesture to show the size, her and Sam in front of me as I push the cart. “I want it for myself.” She jokes.
“We would probably play with it more than he would.” Sam laughs.
“Okay, kids. Who are we shopping for again?” I tease with them as I roll my eyes.
“Got it, mom. Eyes on the prize.” Sam reaches onto one of the shelves to grab a stack of Jurassic Park themed paper plates and tosses them into the cart with the other million things they thought we had to have including a ridiculous looking piñata and about forty bags of candy. At this point I'm not too sure who is more excited for the party, my two best friends or my son.
Even though the two girls had offered to plan the whole thing themselves, I had to stay busy and this is the way to do it. By planning something positive.
“Are you bringing Carter to the party?” I ask Sam as she picks out a bag of Happy Birthday candles. She turns to me with a blush creeping up her neck and I know the answer before she opens her mouth.
“Maybe. I mentioned it.”
“So he broke up with Rachel?” Kyle raises an eyebrow at the other blonde.
“He said he did. Whether or not that's true, I guess I'll find out.”
We continue through the aisles loading the cart up with anything related to my son's favorite animal, and once we are finished we head back to the house where Jimmy waits to be relieved of his babysitting duties.
When I enter the house the always faithful Bella greets me at the door with a nudge of the nose and a tail wag. I give her a few pets while kicking off my shoes before making my way barefoot into the kitchen where Amelia and Cash sit at the table with markers and crayons all over the place, their attention focused on the coloring book pages.
Jimmy is sitting with them, a Black fine tipped Sharpie resting delicately between his fingers as he draws. A pair of black rimmed glasses adorn his face and his eyebrows are scrunched in concentration.
“Hey guys.” I greet them while rounding the table to look over Cash’s shoulder at his drawing. “Wow, look at that flower.” It's a mess of different colors, but it's beautiful to me all the same. My son looks up at me with a cheesy grin.
“I made it for you, mama.” Cash clutches the paper in his hand and waves it in my face.
“Thank you, baby. I think I'll put it right here.” I take a magnet from the fridge and hang the page right on the front.
“Mine, too!” Amelia calls out while running over to me with a picture of a bumblebee.
“Well of course.” I hang hers beside Cash’s and Jimmy grins over at me.
“What about mine?” He teases. I make my way back over to him and drape my arms around his neck, my elbows resting on his shoulders.
Jimmy’s page is an intricately drawn free hand comic scene he had done on the back of one of the preprinted cartoons. It features a woman in black and white in a super hero costume. She looks strong with a delicate mask across her eyes and a determined expression written on her face.
There's a young boy beside her, a sidekick I assume. It's beautifully detailed, but Jimmy has always been artistic so that's no surprise to me. Jimmy is amazing at everything he puts his heart into.
When I was in junior high Jimmy taught me how to play the piano. I had never been musically inclined, whereas he could play almost every instrument by the age of sixteen, but he took the time no matter how futile it might've seemed. My ability to play now, even if I never have the time, means so much to me.
“And who might these two be?”
“Cash asked me to draw you and him.” Jimmy squeezes my forearm before standing from his chair and placing a magnet over his own picture to hold it in place.
"Yeah, mama! You're a superhero! And look at me, I'm cute." Cash points at the little boy in the picture which makes me laugh as I lean down and kiss his forehead.
“It's amazing, Jim. You guys are the best.” I stretch my arms over my head and crack my neck as Cash runs over and leaps into my arms. Kyle and Sam make their way into the kitchen after stashing the birthday goodies in the garage.
“Come on, sugar plum. It's time to go home and take a bath.” Sam holds her hand out for Amelia to take and the little girl eagerly accepts.
“I think I'm going to head out, too. Johnny probably doesn't know what to do without me there to cook him dinner.” Kyle rolls her eyes.
“He's gotta grow up someday.” I joke as the three of them head towards the front door. I hug them all before they say goodbye and the house is quiet other than the sound of Jimmy and Cash chatting in the kitchen.
“Want to watch a movie?” I ask Jim as I run my fingers through my hair and rub my eyes. “Long day. Need to relax, but your company would be nice.” Jimmy turns to me and a smile graces his face.
“Of course. I'll pick!”
“I'm going to put on sweats. I'll be back.” I motion towards my sundress and head up the staircase to the master bedroom. I strip out of the yellow fabric and stand in just a pair of panties as I stare at the made up king sized bed. I run my hands over the fabric along Matt’s side and let out a sigh. I wander over to the dresser and pull out one of Matt’s shirts and a pair of sweatpants.
By the time I make it downstairs I round the corner to the living room to see Jimmy and Cash laying on the couch, Cash is smiling with excitement as the opening credits for Trolls pop up on the screen. I throw my hair up in a bun and brush the remaining few strands behind my ears.
“Trolls, really?” A giggle escapes my lips as I sit at the opposite end of the couch, my knees pulled to my chest. Jimmy stretches out his long legs and rests his feet in my lap and I slap his socked foot with my hand.
“It's enjoyable for the whole family and there's excellent dance numbers.” I roll my eyes at him and reach to grab the fur blanket from the back of the couch. I cuddle up with my head resting against the arm, my feet stretched and resting on top of Jimmy’s legs and his stretched to my end. Cash rests on Jimmy’s chest and I can tell by his droopy eyes he won't stay awake for long which is fine by me since I haven't been sleeping much.
Cash is the first to drift off, next is Jimmy. I take the remote and turn down the movie halfway through to a comfortable hum and close my eyes, feeling more content than I have in weeks.
I can't shake the way she looked in that dress. Mariah has been the girl from my dreams for as long as I have known her. I can't erase the image of her smile or the way she’d begged for me to reconsider. A piece of me wanted her to stay away so I wouldn't have to see her, because seeing her is a reminder of everything I want and need.
I'm not sure what I did in one of my past lives to deserve someone like her, but I'm thankful every day I'm stuck in this hell. Most women would've abandoned all hope when they heard the guilty verdict, but not Mariah. She'd accepted my fate the way she does most things, with a calm grace I envy. She'd rather hide her emotions if it means I won't worry about her, but I do anyway.
I fucking miss her. The way she smells after a shower, her lips, the feather-like touch of her hands that drives me crazy when the lights are off and Cash is asleep. The sounds she makes when I'm buried inside of her is enough to drive me mad. I snap my eyes closed at the torturous memories, her fingers gripping the sheets hard enough to turn her knuckles white, lips parted, eyes hooded and filled with lust. I have to stop myself when I feel my pants get tighter and I let out a shaky breath. I won't have Mariah like that anytime soon, I have to stop torturing myself.
When you're surrounded by men day in and day out with no escape, your thoughts become your only hideaway. I don't want to make friends. I want to be alone with thoughts of the life I have outside of here.
I'd do anything to sleep beside her one last time even if that meant killing someone else. I'd burn the whole state of California to the ground if it meant I could be with my family. I had spent three years without her before, three miserable fucking years where I'd wake up with the sudden urge to put a bullet in my brain.
What will Cash think of me in ten years? Will he even remember who his father is? He's so little and fragile I could easily be erased from his life. Now that I have him, I refuse a life that doesn't revolve around him. My kid will be a teenager by the time I'm free from this shit hole if I serve my maximum sentence. The baby Mariah is carrying will almost be double digits. I will have missed it all, even if she swears there will still be time.
A second kid. Another pregnancy Mariah has to go through without me. I'd underestimated her strength before. I thought she would come running back, if not to me then her brother and father, before she had Cash after she left, but she didn't. I know that she can handle this, but she shouldn't have to. I need to be there, I have to.
I have to get out of here.
•••
The party store is a flurry of multi colored streamers and balloons in every direction. My eyes bounce around the different themed aisles as Samantha and Kyle ramble about the cake and what they want to get Cash for his third birthday.
“I saw this giant remote control dinosaur at Target the other day. It's like a foot shorter than I am.” Kyle exaggerates as she waves her hands in a gesture to show the size, her and Sam in front of me as I push the cart. “I want it for myself.” She jokes.
“We would probably play with it more than he would.” Sam laughs.
“Okay, kids. Who are we shopping for again?” I tease with them as I roll my eyes.
“Got it, mom. Eyes on the prize.” Sam reaches onto one of the shelves to grab a stack of Jurassic Park themed paper plates and tosses them into the cart with the other million things they thought we had to have including a ridiculous looking piñata and about forty bags of candy. At this point I'm not too sure who is more excited for the party, my two best friends or my son.
Even though the two girls had offered to plan the whole thing themselves, I had to stay busy and this is the way to do it. By planning something positive.
“Are you bringing Carter to the party?” I ask Sam as she picks out a bag of Happy Birthday candles. She turns to me with a blush creeping up her neck and I know the answer before she opens her mouth.
“Maybe. I mentioned it.”
“So he broke up with Rachel?” Kyle raises an eyebrow at the other blonde.
“He said he did. Whether or not that's true, I guess I'll find out.”
We continue through the aisles loading the cart up with anything related to my son's favorite animal, and once we are finished we head back to the house where Jimmy waits to be relieved of his babysitting duties.
When I enter the house the always faithful Bella greets me at the door with a nudge of the nose and a tail wag. I give her a few pets while kicking off my shoes before making my way barefoot into the kitchen where Amelia and Cash sit at the table with markers and crayons all over the place, their attention focused on the coloring book pages.
Jimmy is sitting with them, a Black fine tipped Sharpie resting delicately between his fingers as he draws. A pair of black rimmed glasses adorn his face and his eyebrows are scrunched in concentration.
“Hey guys.” I greet them while rounding the table to look over Cash’s shoulder at his drawing. “Wow, look at that flower.” It's a mess of different colors, but it's beautiful to me all the same. My son looks up at me with a cheesy grin.
“I made it for you, mama.” Cash clutches the paper in his hand and waves it in my face.
“Thank you, baby. I think I'll put it right here.” I take a magnet from the fridge and hang the page right on the front.
“Mine, too!” Amelia calls out while running over to me with a picture of a bumblebee.
“Well of course.” I hang hers beside Cash’s and Jimmy grins over at me.
“What about mine?” He teases. I make my way back over to him and drape my arms around his neck, my elbows resting on his shoulders.
Jimmy’s page is an intricately drawn free hand comic scene he had done on the back of one of the preprinted cartoons. It features a woman in black and white in a super hero costume. She looks strong with a delicate mask across her eyes and a determined expression written on her face.
There's a young boy beside her, a sidekick I assume. It's beautifully detailed, but Jimmy has always been artistic so that's no surprise to me. Jimmy is amazing at everything he puts his heart into.
When I was in junior high Jimmy taught me how to play the piano. I had never been musically inclined, whereas he could play almost every instrument by the age of sixteen, but he took the time no matter how futile it might've seemed. My ability to play now, even if I never have the time, means so much to me.
“And who might these two be?”
“Cash asked me to draw you and him.” Jimmy squeezes my forearm before standing from his chair and placing a magnet over his own picture to hold it in place.
"Yeah, mama! You're a superhero! And look at me, I'm cute." Cash points at the little boy in the picture which makes me laugh as I lean down and kiss his forehead.
“It's amazing, Jim. You guys are the best.” I stretch my arms over my head and crack my neck as Cash runs over and leaps into my arms. Kyle and Sam make their way into the kitchen after stashing the birthday goodies in the garage.
“Come on, sugar plum. It's time to go home and take a bath.” Sam holds her hand out for Amelia to take and the little girl eagerly accepts.
“I think I'm going to head out, too. Johnny probably doesn't know what to do without me there to cook him dinner.” Kyle rolls her eyes.
“He's gotta grow up someday.” I joke as the three of them head towards the front door. I hug them all before they say goodbye and the house is quiet other than the sound of Jimmy and Cash chatting in the kitchen.
“Want to watch a movie?” I ask Jim as I run my fingers through my hair and rub my eyes. “Long day. Need to relax, but your company would be nice.” Jimmy turns to me and a smile graces his face.
“Of course. I'll pick!”
“I'm going to put on sweats. I'll be back.” I motion towards my sundress and head up the staircase to the master bedroom. I strip out of the yellow fabric and stand in just a pair of panties as I stare at the made up king sized bed. I run my hands over the fabric along Matt’s side and let out a sigh. I wander over to the dresser and pull out one of Matt’s shirts and a pair of sweatpants.
By the time I make it downstairs I round the corner to the living room to see Jimmy and Cash laying on the couch, Cash is smiling with excitement as the opening credits for Trolls pop up on the screen. I throw my hair up in a bun and brush the remaining few strands behind my ears.
“Trolls, really?” A giggle escapes my lips as I sit at the opposite end of the couch, my knees pulled to my chest. Jimmy stretches out his long legs and rests his feet in my lap and I slap his socked foot with my hand.
“It's enjoyable for the whole family and there's excellent dance numbers.” I roll my eyes at him and reach to grab the fur blanket from the back of the couch. I cuddle up with my head resting against the arm, my feet stretched and resting on top of Jimmy’s legs and his stretched to my end. Cash rests on Jimmy’s chest and I can tell by his droopy eyes he won't stay awake for long which is fine by me since I haven't been sleeping much.
Cash is the first to drift off, next is Jimmy. I take the remote and turn down the movie halfway through to a comfortable hum and close my eyes, feeling more content than I have in weeks.
