Wildest Dreams

As I walk down the sidewalk with Cash's tiny hand clasped in mine, my heart is racing at the thought of meeting up with Matt. I take my free hand and brush a few stray hairs out of my face as I look down at my son who is toddling along with no idea anything is out of the ordinary. We turn the last corner before the small cafe with drapes hanging in the window and a warm chocolate brown painted on the walls to create a more intimate and cozy atmosphere. I suck in a deep breath before pulling the antique wood door open and walking in, Cash toddling along beside me.

I see Matt sitting at a table in the far corner and he stands up when he sees me, but his eyes do not linger on me. They trail down to the child beside me and an emotion I don't quite recognize flashes through is eyes. When we reach him, he finally looks at me and a smile graces his face.

"Thank you for showing up. For a minute I thought you would run."

"I stopped running a long time ago, Matt." Cash starts whining beside me because we've stopped moving and he's getting bored. I bend down and lift him into my arms and the smile on Matt's face only grows.

"Matt, I'd like you to meet Cash."

"He looks just like you."

"That's funny that you think that, because every time I look at him I see your twin."

"Maybe we just see what we want to see, then."

Cash starts rambling on in gibberish and I nod and talk along as if I know exactly what he's trying to tell me. We sit down at the table and the waitress brings us a high chair. Cash beats his small fists on the tray and continues to ramble. Matt just watches the two of us and it causes angry butterflies to start attacking my stomach. The waitress comes back with the coffees and juice for Cash that we had ordered and I wrap my hands around the warm cup.

"You feel weird being here with me, don't you?"

"Very. The day I left I had no intentions on ever looking back."

"How'd you do it? How'd you leave the only family you've ever had? You were pregnant for God's sake. That's when you need your family the most."

"My family had betrayed me. You betrayed me. You broke my heart and my 'family' swore to me that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then I found out from Sadie after I found you in the car with her that day that Val was pregnant, too. But Val hadn't told anyone who's kid she was having. You can see where all the pieces just clicked inside my head and I had to get out of there. Of course Val hadn't told Sadie who the father was because she knew Sadie would tell me."

"Mariah, don't you get that even if I did royally screw up, you were the only woman I would ever have settled down for? Val was never more than just a fling for me. She always had been, even in high school. I can't take back what I did and I can't un-break the heart I broke in you. But I can tell you it was the biggest mistake of my life."

"An apology is never going to give me back the trust I had for my father and brother. Or the two years I lost with the only family I had ever known. Or the three years I've spent with a man who's only way of showing his love is by putting his hands on me. I take my clothes off to support my son. I have lost more than just you."

I glance over at my son and a warm smile finds it's way onto my lips. Cash looks up at me with a goofy smile and he sticks his tongue out at me.

"But at the end of the day I wouldn't trade a bit of it because he is worth it." I look back up at Matt and there's an anger written across his face that I can't quite explain.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I love my son and all I've-"

"No. You said you're with a man who puts his hands on you. What the hell does that mean?"

"It means I seem to pick men who only want to hurt me." Matt pushes back from the table, almost knocking over both of our steaming hot coffee cups. I push myself back just in case the hot liquid were to spill and glare at the tall brunette man in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask. "That could have spilled on me."

"What the hell am I doing? What the hell are you doing, Mariah!? You allow that kind of person to care for my son?"

By now most of the people inside the small cafe are staring at us and I look down at the table in embarrassment.

"Can you please lower your voice, Matthew?"

"Hell no." he reaches into his pocket to pull out his wallet and throws a few bills down on the table before storming out the door I had just come in not long before. I look over at my son and let out a shaky breath. I stand and lift him from the high chair. Cash wraps his tiny legs around my waist and starts jabbering on once more as I excuse myself from the cafe, apologizing the whole way out for Matt's behavior.

I find him pacing out front and I place my free hand on my hip as I glare at him.

"Thanks for embarrassing me."

"You let a man put his hands on you? When did you become so weak?"

"Are you kidding me? I have raised our son on my own. To you that is considered weak?"

"I may have been a lot of things and I may have hurt you more than you deserved but I never would have put my hands on you."

My gaze lingers on him for a few silent seconds before I turn to walk away. I can feel the tears burning at the backs of my eyes and all the hate and anger I have felt for him for the past three years is bubbling up inside of me. All of the emotions are too much and I just want to scream at him, but I know I can't do that in front of Cash.

"You're just going to walk away?" Matt shouts after me. I turn around so fast Cash looks a little bit surprised and I kiss his cheek in an apology. I point my finger at Matt and allow all of the anger to break free.

"You did this! You ruined every piece of our relationship and every chance you had with your son. You pushed me into the arms of a man who doesn't love me and you broke my heart enough to think I'm no good. That I'm not worthy of anything better. So don't you dare ask if I'm just going to walk away because you walked away from me the moment you slept with Val on our wedding day."

"I love you. Damnit, Mariah, I love you." he stalks over to me and slips one arm around my waist so quickly I don't have time to react and presses his lips to mine.

Memories flash before my eyes, of the first time we ever kissed that day we went for a run, the first time he said he loved me, all of it. I stumble backwards a little and he wraps both arms around me to steady my balance.

When he pulls away he reaches to take Cash from my arm and I'm so shaken I don't protest. He looks so natural holding him and the resemblance causes a dull ache in the left side of my chest.

"I have to get home. If Chris comes home and I'm-"

"You're not going back there."

"I can't just not go back there. Where would I live? What about all my stuff? Chris would come looking for me."

"And I would kill him where he stood." Matt's voice drops to a menacing tone and a chill runs down my spine.

"Stop." I reach my hands out to take Cash from him and Matt hesitates but I raise an eyebrow.

"At least let me walk you home. It's not like this neighborhood is safe."

"Fine. But after that you leave and don't think you can just be stopping in whenever you want to."

We walk in silence for a few minutes before Matt brings up the moving situation once more. The thought of getting away from Chris makes my heart happy, but the thought of relying on Matt for even a month or two while I get caught up in a new place scares me.

"I'm not going to tolerate you and my child living with someone abusive. I'm giving you until the end of the week to make a decision and if you choose to stay with him then I'm going to move you out myself. Even if I have to carry you out kicking and screaming."

"There's the Matt I remember." I say with a smile.

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"It means you pretend to give me a choice in the situation and then you just do what you think is best no matter what I choose. It always made me feel strangely safe before."

"That's a man's responsibility. To make his girl feel safe."

"If only it could have lasted." I whisper out as we continue to walk down the sidewalk. A silence falls over us once more as Cash falls asleep with his head resting on my shoulder. No more words are spoken until our goodbyes at the door and once I'm inside the dingy apartment and Cash is laid down I finally let all the emotions I've been feeling free.

Tears start streaming down my cheeks as I curl up in the bed Chris and I rarely share. In that moment all I want is strong arms around me and all of the decisions I have to make to be made for me with my best interests in mind. With that last thought, the only face I can see his Matt's smiling dimpled one and that causes my heart to hurt so much more.