Wildest Dreams

As I make my way down the hallway to the stairs that will lead me to what use to be my family, I can't help but feel sick to my stomach. Over the past two years the decisions I have made may not have been the best for me, but they provided for my son and that was all that mattered to me at the time. Now is the time I have to come face to face with the past two years and deal with it.

When I get to the bottom of the stairs I'm greeted by the sound of giggles. Cash's giggles. My heart slows in my chest and I make my way through the foyer to the living room where I see Cash playing on the floor with Brian. Matt isn't far away, sitting on the couch staring down at the son he never got the chance to know. Cash hears me walk in and turns to look at me with the silly lopsided grin I love so much. The dimples he inherited from his father show and I walk over and scoop him up in my arms. Cash giggles and I pucker my lips and Cash leans in to give me a sloppy typical two year old kiss.

"I love you." I mumble into his hair as I snuggle him close before he starts squirming to get down. I place him back on his own two feet and take a deep breath before lifting my eyes from my son to my brother who is staring at me like he's seen a ghost.

"Your face." Brian says with anger evident in his voice.

"Matt, do you think you could take Cash outside to play?" I avoid my brother's face as I look at Matt.

"Of course." Matt stands up from the couch and walks over to the miniature version of himself and takes his little hand in his much bigger one. "Lets go play in the yard, little man." It almost breaks my heart to watch them walk off, hand in hand, looking like twins only separated by years.

"Are you going to say anything?" Brian asks and I can tell he's getting impatient.

"Brian.. I.." he stands up from the floor and grabs my chin with a rough hand and turns my head to get a better look at the bruises.

"What is this? I don't see or hear from you in three years and you show up looking like you got your ass beat?"

"I can explain." I pull my face out of his hands and take a step back.

"So do it."

"I did what I had to do to keep my child fed. I'm not proud of the decisions I made, Brian. Or what it took to keep us alive."

"What exactly were you doing?" I can see the tension growing in his face and hands. I look down to the floor and lace my fingers together, not knowing how to put the last two years into words Brian will understand. "Mariah. Look at me." he places his fingers under my chin and lifts my face as the tears start to slide down my cheeks. "It's that bad?" I close my eyes so I don't have to look at him anymore. Disappointing my brother, the one person I always thought I could count on, was not high on my list of things to do in my life. It doesn't feel good to see him like this, so angry at me.

"Were you sleeping with people for money?" he questions, his tone calming just a little and I assume it's to make me feel better. Brian never could stand the sight of me crying. When I was in high school Brian would always force me to tell him who had hurt me and he would hurt them just as bad the next day when he would see them walking to or from school. That's part of the reason I thought he would always take my side. He always had before.

"Never."

"Thank God." Relief washes over his face and I try to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat.

"I was a stripper." I whisper out and close my eyes once more. There is silence between the two of us as Brian steps away from me and sits back down on the couch. He places his head in his hands and doesn't speak for a moment.

"And your face?"

"A boyfriend."

"Jesus fucking Christ." he mumbles out as he runs his fingers through his semi-long hair. I stand there awkwardly, not sure what to say next. He knows the most important things, and now he just has to decide what to do with the information. "How did this happen? How did you end up with some fuck who put his hands on you?"

"I was alone, Bri. I had just lost everyone I cared about. He seemed like a good guy at the time."

"They always do." Brian stands up from the couch and brushes his thumb over my cheek to wipe away the tears still lingering there. "Who is he?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Tell me his name or I'll just have Matt take me there."

"Brian, please. They already took care of it."

"Look at your face!" Angry Brian is back and taking control. "I won't fucking stand for this shit, Mariah!"

"I know! I know you're mad but please, for my sake, just let this one go." Brian stares at me for just a moment, his fists clenching and unclenching.

"No."

With that he turns and walks out the front door of the house and I hear the door slam behind him. My heart sinks into my stomach because I know he's going to get his way one way or another. I hear a car start up in the driveway and I know he's going to cool off somewhere, probably his favorite bar not far from here.

Once I get myself together, I make my way to the French doors off the dining room that lead to the large backyard. For a moment I just stare out at Matt playing with Cash, Matt's dog, Bella, sitting off in the shade watching the two playing with a soccer ball. Her head bounces back and forth as the ball is kicked from one side of the backyard to the other, her tongue hanging lazily out of the side of her mouth. Matt adopted the golden retriever not long after the band's second album and I couldn't imagine a sweeter dog to be around my son.

I open the door and head out, a smile pulling at the corners of my lips at the sound of Cash laughing as Matt kicks the ball and bumps the two year old in the belly with it. Cash falls down into the grass, giggles escaping his lips as Matt kneels down and tickles him under the arms.

"I see you two are getting along just fine." Bella hops up from her spot in the shade and comes over to me, wanting to be petted. I scratch behind her ears as Matt picks up Cash and lifts him onto his shoulders and makes his way over to me.

"Good girl, Bel." I mumble to the dog as she sits obediently beside me. "You're good with him." I say to Matt as he takes Cash off his shoulders and places him into my arms. I kiss the toddlers cheek as laces his chubby fingers through the hair hanging down in my face and giving it a soft tug. I catch Matt staring at us with a grin on his face.

"Mama." he says in the sweet voice I don't get to hear often. The more Chris and I fought, the less vocal Cash would be until he stopped talking almost all together. I try not to act surprised when he does speak because I want to encourage him to say what he needs to say.

"Yes, baby?"

"Juice?" he asks as he points towards the house.

"Lets get you some." I turn to head into the house, Bella not far behind.

A few hours later when we are sitting around the living room watching cartoons, watching Cash play with toys on the floor, Matt turns to me with a smile.

"What do you think about going shopping and getting all the stuff you two need for now?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, all we really got for you was a bag of clothes and I know you. That won't be enough and I'm sure there's stuff Cash needs that I don't have here."

"Matt, I.. I don't know how long we will be here." Matt scrunches his eyebrows and looks down to the floor like he hadn't even considered that response. "It's very sweet of you, but we can't just use you for a place to stay."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, Matt. I've figured things out before and I'll do it again."

"Because that worked out so well before?"

"That's not fair."

"It is fair. That's my son. You're not using me for a place to stay. It's called giving my son a home. A steady place to live where he doesn't have to watch his mother get the shit beat out of her on a regular basis."

"Stop."

"No, Mariah! You aren't just going to take him away from me like before." I stand up from the couch and point at him with anger flowing through my veins.

"He's MY son, Matthew. Don't you ever forget that. I have raised him from the moment he was born by myself. I didn't need you then and I don't need you now." I pick my son up off the floor, making sure to grab some of the toys as well, and carry him upstairs into the master bedroom. Matt is left in silence on the couch as my words repeat over and over inside his head.

I set Cash down on the floor and flip on the flat screen tv to the same cartoons we had been watching downstairs and sit on the edge of the bed while running my fingers through my head.

I'm in control of my life. I'm in control of my own life.