Wildest Dreams

Mariah's words echo through my head even after she is gone. My heart drops into my stomach and I can't remember a single time in my life when I've felt this way. So out of control. I don't know how to handle a situation when I don't have all of the answers.

"MY son, Matthew."

"I didn't need you then, and I don't need you now."

The look on her face when she spoke those words hit me right in the left side of my chest.

I sit in silence on the couch, staring off out the window at nothing trying to figure out how my life got to be so fucked up. Mariah being back in the house made me feel whole even if it was just for a minute. I missed having her here so much I didn't even consider the thought that she might not want to stay or that she wouldn't want me to help her raise our son. I never thought about the emotional damage she may have suffered these last three years.

No longer able to just sit on the couch, I head for the front door while dialing Brian's phone number on my cell.

"Where are you?" I ask without saying hello when he answers.

"Sonny's, man. I had to get out of there and take the edge off."

"Planning on being there a little while longer?"

"If you're coming up, I'll stay."

"Be there in a few." I shove my phone back into my pocket and push my aviator sunglasses over my eyes. A drink is just what I need and Sonny's is always a good time. The women there are easy and not bad company when you're feeling a little down.

When I pull into the parking lot there's quite a few cars even though it's the middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday. I make my way into the musty, cigarette smoke smelling building and see Brian sitting at a table in the corner facing the makeshift stage they have where there's a tall blonde singing karaoke. I nod my head to the bartender and lean against the dirty wood bar top to wait for my usual the girl, Carrie, knows I want. The red head pours and carries like she was born doing it. She flashes me a smile as she passes the Jack Daniels on the rocks to my eagerly waiting hand.

"How's it going, Sanders?" Carrie asks, still smiling. This girl has always had a crush on me. She's worked at this same bar for as long as I can remember, probably since she first turned 21.

"Peachy. Hence why I'm here, thanks for asking." I roll my eyes at her as I pull the sunglasses from my face and tuck them into the front of my shirt. I take a long drink of the whiskey and the feel of it going down causes a warmth to run through me from my chest down to my feet. "I'm going to be needing a couple more of these. And two of whatever he's drinking." I point to Brian in the corner who's eyes are still glued to the blonde in short shorts. I don't even know if he's noticed I've come in, yet.

"Of course."

She pours up the drinks and places them on a tray for me and I take them over to the table Brian is sitting at and place them down in front of him.

"Planning on getting piss drunk, bro?"

"I was thinking about it." I take another drink from the glass and finish the first Jack Daniels off.

"What happened after I left?"

"Fuckin' hell, man. Part of me thought we were going to find a way to go back to the way it was. I was wrong."

"You should've known better, man. She's been gone for three years. Three whole years. She's a different person, now."

"Yeah, a person who made it very clear she doesn't need me anymore."

"She's trying to play tough, Matt. Mariah has been on her own and she's seen some shit since she left. Shit I never wanted her to see." Brian takes one of the drinks off the tray that I ordered for him and shoots it back with no problem.

We sit in silence for a few minutes as we think over the last few hours. I'm not use to feeling these kinds of emotions and it makes me feel like my whole life is spinning out of control. If Mariah does leave like she wants to, that may mean I won't get as much time with my son as I deserve. Not only that, I want to find a way to make Mariah forgive me. I miss her. Deep down she is the one for me and I was too stupid to not fuck it up before.

"I need something a little stronger." I mumble out as I stand from my seat and head back over to Carrie who can't stop smiling at me.



"Have you guys heard from Matt?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen and see Zack and Jimmy sitting at the table flipping through guitar magazines.

"Nah. He left a few hours ago on the phone with someone but I didn't get any specifics."

"Are you two being forced to baby sit?"

The two of them look from each other and back to me nervously. Their attempt at looking innocent even though they're caught almost makes me smile.

"No way, Mariah. We are just hanging out." Jimmy says as he stands from his seat and comes over to me.

"Are you hungry? What about the baby? Should I make you a grilled cheese? Do babies like grilled cheese?" Jimmy whirlwinds around the kitchen pulling the ingredients out to make grilled cheese but I stop him as he places his hand on the stove to turn it on.

"I'm fine and Cash is napping. Calm down, Jim. If I'm hungry I'll make something. I do know where everything is considering I lived here once." Jimmy pauses and I can see his shoulders relax.

"Okay, awesome." he walks back over and plops down in his seat once more as Zack covers his mouth while he laughs at his friend.

"Another question, why haven't I seen Johnny since I've been back?"

"Johnny got married two weeks ago. He's been in Cancun with his wife. We didn't want to worry him while he's there. He's due back in three days, though so you'll see him soon." There's some hesitance in Zack's voice as speaks, but I choose not to pry too much. I've only jut got back.

"Johnny, married? That's so awesome." I can't believe out of all the guys Johnny is the first one to get married. A smile forms on my face as I think about it. I just wish I knew who his wife is. I wish I could have been a part of it.

"If you guys hear from Matt, let me know, okay?"

"Sure thing, Mariah. Remember, if you need anything we are right down here." Jimmy tells me and I roll my eyes.

"But you're not babysitting, remember?"



Later on that night when I'm sound asleep in bed with Cash sleeping in the next room in a play pen, I'm awoken by the sound of chaos. My heart races through my sleepy fog as I'm reminded of all the nights Chris would come home slamming doors and yelling. For a second I have to remind myself that I'm not back there. I hear someone yelling from downstairs.

The moonlight from the window is all I have to see by as I step out of bed and pull on the sweatpants I had shed in the middle of the night when I got hot. I look over at the clock on the side table and it reads 4:38 am.

"What the hell." I whisper to myself as I swing the bedroom door open and peer out into the hallway. I make sure to shut the guest room door that Cash is sleeping peacefully in to keep from waking him and I'm almost happy he has learned to sleep through just about anything.

Once I'm at the bottom of the stairs I see what all the commotion is about. The front door is standing wide open as Brian and Zack have a very inebriated Matt between the two of them, his arms slung over their shoulders. Matt's head is hanging low and his feet are bearing just enough of his weight to keep the two other guys from dropping him on the hardwood floor.

"What happened?" I ask as I look at the three of them.

"Wouldn't stop drinking. Kept going long after he should have stopped." Brian tells me as he struggles to get Matt to the couch. There's no sign of life coming from the much larger man and it I start to get nervous.

"Is he okay? He didn't take anything else did he? You know how he gets sometimes." I hint at the times Matt has dabbled in prescription medications. It wouldn't be the first time Matt's gotten blackout drunk because he drank on top of taking only God knows what.

"No. He was with me all night and I never saw a pill."

The two guys lay Matt down on the couch and make sure to turn him on his side. Matt's eyes are closed and his eyebrows are scrunched almost in pain. I look up at my brother and I can tell he's had a few too many as well.

"Go get some sleep, Brian. There's another guest room available. Cash is in the one beside the master, please don't wake him up.

"What about Matt? Someone has to check on him." my brother tells me like I've never dealt with a situation like this before.

"I've got it. You forget I've dealt with this more times than I can count." I look down at my feet as all the memories of taking care of the Avenged Sevenfold guys after shows or parties come flooding to the forefront of my mind. Even thoughts of Chris coming home too drunk to put his hands on me sneak in.

"Only if you're sure." Brian tells me.

"I'm sure, Bri. Go." my brother comes over to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, hugging me tight. I take in the scent of his cologne and the leather of his jacket. My heart hurts with all the memories that the smell brings back.

"Don't ever leave me again, Mariah. Never again." Brian kisses the top of my head before making his way up the stairs to the guest room.

"Zack." I whisper out, trying not to wake Matt. Zack pops his head around from the kitchen, a beer in his hand and I know he must have been raiding the fridge. "Are you staying, too?"

"Yeah. I'm gona take the couch down in the basement. Was in the middle of watching Lord of the Rings when Brian called so I'm going to go finish that." I roll my eyes at him. "I'm just right downstairs if something happens and you need me. Just yell." Zack disappears down the stairwell that leads to the basement and I'm left standing in the darkness, the only sound is Matt's labored breathing coming from the couch.

I walk over to him and kneel down on the floor in front of him. I can't help but think this is my fault somehow. Matt has always been about control and always being the one to take the lead. Getting so out of control like this is not like him and it breaks my heart to see him this way, so vulnerable.

As I stare down at him, I brush my finger across his cheek and rest my head on the couch.

"Mariah?" I hear Matt whisper out once I've closed my eyes. I open them again to see Matt's hazel eyes looking down at me, almost in confusion. His hand reaches up softly and he brushes his fingers through my hair.

"Go to sleep, Matt. I'm here." I whisper to him, tears building in my eyes for the second time that day.

"Stay."

It's the last word I hear him mumble as he pulls his hand back and covers his face with his arms. The evenness of his breaths a few minutes later tells me he is sound asleep so I grab the pillow and blanket from the other end of the couch. I lay back on the pillow in front of the couch and close my eyes, deciding to stay right here just in case something were to happen to Matt. Just in case he were to need me.