Wildest Dreams

"I love these hardwood floors." I whisper out to Matt as we walk through the large Spanish style house with our realtor, Mark. "And the ceilings! They're so tall!"

"You like it, babe?" Matt asks as he laces his fingers through mine and smiles.

"I do. I think it might be the perfect house."

"I'll give you two a few minutes to look around the property. I'll be out front when you're finished and we can talk it over." Mark tells us as he turns and heads back towards the front door.

"Thank you, Mark." Matt says as we head towards the kitchen. Once we step into the room I unlace my fingers from his and rush over to the French doors that lead out to the backyard.

"Matt." I whisper out, disbelief in my voice. "Matt this backyard." I turn back around to face him and he's standing not far behind me, his arms crossed over his chest and a grin on his lips.

"I can't believe this is our life. This house is so unbelievably perfect. Can you imagine raising children here?" I ask him as I turn back to look out at the yard. Against the house lies a huge green space lined with trees. The neighbors yards can't be seen because of a tall dark brown wooden fence that's lined with the most beautiful flowers and bushes. There's plenty of room to put a pool if we wanted and still have space for entertaining our huge families and group of friends.

"We could put in a patio." I grab the door handle and step out into the sunshine.

I'm silent for a few seconds as I envision us starting a life here.

"You're awfully quiet." I say to Matt as I make my way back into the kitchen and slip my arms around his neck.

"I want this to be all you, little baby." He tells me, using the pet name he knows makes me melt. "I've always wanted to give you the world because that's what you deserve and now I can. I want whatever you want. If this house is perfect for you, then it's perfect for me." I kiss his lips and he presses his hand to the back of my neck to hold me against him just a few seconds longer.

"I want this to be our home." A grin spreads across my lips as I step back and jump up and down while clapping. Matt laughs at me while shaking his head at my actions, his dimples showing and his eyes shining bright.

We find Mark waiting outside for us and he hands Matt a clipboard with a paper attached.

"Your paperwork went through, Mr. Sanders and your offer was accepted. All we need is a final signature since the Mrs. has seen the place." I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion.

"We aren't married." I say to Mark as I turn to Matt. "What offer?"

"I know you well enough after all this time, Mariah. I didn't need to wait for you to see the house. I knew you would fall in love with it the same way I did. It's why I knew it was right for us." Matt takes the clipboard from Mark and scribbles his signature. The clipboard is handed back to Mark and Mark takes a keychain out of his pocket that has four silver keys attached.

"It's all yours. "

"Are you serious!?" I say as excitement builds in my voice.

Mark shakes my hand and Matt's and turns to return to his car.

"It's ours right this second!?" I ask Matt as I jump up and down again. He places his hands on my hips to steady me and I almost feel like tears are going to form.

"It's all ours, Mariah. We can move in today if we wanted to."

"I can't believe this! Matt, we just bought a house!"

Matt presses his lips to mine in a deep kiss as we stand out on the front lawn of our dream home.



As I stare out at the backyard now, coffee cup clutched in my hands, the thoughts running through my head are much different then what they were that day we bought this house I never thought I would be standing in once more.

I can see Cash from where I'm standing wandering along pointing different flowers out to Brian, who woke up surprisingly early for last nights events. The windows along the back of the house are all open and the breeze blowing through blows my hair just a little. I can barely hear Cash's voice, but I can tell by the way he's moving his head that he's talking, or at least trying to talk, to Brian about the flowers. That means something considering Cash talking is rare, and Brian is a stranger to my son.

Pain squeezes my chest as I think of what could have been had none of this ever happened and Cash was raised here with his family. He would probably be talking away on a day like this to his uncle, or out playing in his backyard with his own toys with his own dog, Bella. Cash never would have regressed in his learning or development the way he did around Chris.

Johnny would know my son. I would know Johnny's wife. I would have been a part of his wedding like he was a part of my entire life growing up.

Brian would know his nephew. His blood. They would be best friends and not strangers getting to know each other like they are right now. My parents would have gotten the chance to spoil a grandchild at every holiday, but instead they've never known what that feels like because I took Cash away before they even knew him.

Zack and Jim, they would have always been by my side. They would have been there to love my son like he was their own blood because after all, they were family. Cash never would have known loneliness or neglect. There would have always been someone there to hold him when he cried or play with him any time of day.

And Matt. My Mattie. He would know what it feels like to be a father, to have a child of his own to love. I would know what it feels like to have a full family of my own. I never would have known what it feels like to fear the person you have to come home to or fear for the safety of my innocent baby.

The sensation of suffocating makes itself present and I set my coffee mug down on the counter and grip the granite in my hands as I lean over the sink. A wave of nausea hits me like a brick wall and I squeeze my eyes shut hoping it will pass.

The thought of something happening to Cash because of a decision I made is too much to take and I realize how selfishly stupid I have been these past few years. Not only have I seriously damaged my child, but I've hurt every single person in my life in the process in some way.

I hear someone clear their throat and I look up to see Zack.

"Hey." I whisper out as I stand up straight once more.

"Are you okay?" He asks with genuine concern in his voice. I don't answer right away as I try to think of the appropriate thing to say. It's been so long since someone has asked me that and really wanted to hear the answer.

"No, Zack. I'm not okay." Zack makes his way across the kitchen in no time and before I know it I'm wrapped up in his arms. Tears spill from my eyes without hesitation and I bury my face in the crook of his neck as the silent sobs wrack my body.

The best thing about Zack? He doesn't push things. He does nothing but stand there in silence waiting for the wave of emotion to pass. He doesn't ask for an explanation and he doesn't tell me it's going to 'be okay' because after all, we don't know if it will be.

After a few minutes he pulls away from me and places his hands on my shoulders. My eyes flicker over to one of the opened windows and I see Brian teaching Cash to throw a ball for Bella.

"You are stronger than all of this." Zack whispers as he hugs me once more. "Just remember that." He lets me go as he walks over to the French doors and makes his way outside to join my son and brother.