The Chasing of Moons

“You are so unbelievably stupid, I can’t even begin with you. I have never in my entire life used this word, Frank, so I’m losing my word virginity here with this, but believe me when I say that you are a Grade A, justifiable, nincompoop,” Mikey says.

“I’ve never even heard that word used,” Frank replies.

“Neither have I, but you deserved it. There’s no other word, and also it has the word poop in it so it’s already an amusing word to begin with.”

“Well, you are definitely the younger brother, I can see that much.”

“No you can’t, you can’t see me at all. But believe me, the next time I do see you, you had better believe that I am going to kick you in the fucking face.”

“How are you gonna reach?”

“Frank, you’re like, what, about two feet tall? I think I’ll manage,” Mikey replies.

“I am literally the same height as your boyfriend,” Frank replies, rolling his eyes at his phone.

“That is not true. Pete is like a millimeter taller than you,” Mikey says.

“Oh my god, seriously? He even brags about that millimeter to you?”

“Well, he talks about it a lot, he’s really proud of the fact that he’s taller than you,” Mikey says. “It’s so cute. Like he-”

“I didn’t ask for details!” Frank says, interrupting before he pukes.

“Well fine, but we still need to talk about how much of an ass you are. You know how unfair it is to Gerard that you know things he doesn’t? You and I both know that you’re going to marry him, okay? But Gerard does not know that, so you expecting to hear him say it is not fair to him. Gerard has not been given the same information that you have been given. So, what that means is you’ve got to treat this situation like you don’t know the outcome. Otherwise, you’re cheating. You’re being a bitch to him because you’re holding him to a standard that he doesn’t know exists. I get that you like him, I don’t know why, but I’ve accepted the fact that you do, so try to remember that even if you know what’s going to happen, you’ve got to pretend for his and your own sake that you are just as clueless about the future as he is.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that right now, Gerard would probably dump me at the end of the year,” Frank says. “How can I date someone if I know that he’s going to ditch me for a fresher model at his new school?”

“He doesn’t know any better, dude, you can’t expect him to look that far in advance yet. You know what your future has in store for you, but Gerard is almost completely clueless. Do not allow yourself to hold him to an unrealistic standard when he is not holding you to one.”

“Listen dude, I’ll deal with this all later, right now I just want to take my mind off of things, okay?”

“And how do you plan on doing that?”

“It’s none of your business, Mikey,” Frank says.

‘But I-”

Frank hangs up before Mikey has a chance to reprimand him any further. From what he gathered of what Mikey had said, Gerard is in his room grumbling to himself about Frank, and refusing to talk to anyone about it. Even Mikey, who should be hired on the spot as a police interrogator, can’t get anything out of him.

Mikey’s name glares at him from his phone again, but Frank rejects the call before the ringtone even starts. He doesn’t need to deal with Mikey now. He doesn’t want to deal with anybody. He wants to just not think at all. Frank turns his phone off, and immediately regrets it, but he doesn’t even consider turning it back on. He doesn’t need to deal with anyone, besides, he’s likely to tell someone to do something extremely unsafe involving a cactus, and he doesn’t even think a telemarketer deserves that.

Instead he lays his head back on his bed, groans, and tries to think of something to distract himself.

Frank eventually settles on blaring his music as loud as it can go, which probably pisses off his mother to no end but she doesn’t say anything about it. Frank should really have been grounded for staying out all night, or he would if he lived in a normal household, but his mom is about as close to an actual saint that there ever could be.

Frank, because he’s technically an adult who is free to make his own choices, then cries into his pillow for a couple of minutes before getting tired of it and just staring at his ceiling.

Frank’s house isn’t entirely old as much as it is a tad bit outdated. They have a popcorn ceiling in every room of the house. Frank doesn’t think anything of it, but his mother thinks it’s the ugliest thing known to man. He doesn’t get it. The fun thing about a popcorn ceiling though is that it’s a lot like having clouds on the top of your room. You get to find shapes out of the bumps, even though you’re the only person who could ever be able to see the ones you’ve designated.

Right above his dresser, there’s a man holding a pitchfork. If he were ever to try to point it out to someone, they wouldn’t see it, but Frank does. There’s a small, possibly demonic face that is literally right above where his pillow is when he’s in bed, and when he wakes up to the sun cracking in through the window in the morning, that face sometimes scares the shit out of him.

The shape that is taunting him right now is that heart that’s a couple feet away from the demon face. He feels like it’s laughing at him. Frank refuses to look at it, instead closing his eyes and doing his best not to picture Gerard.

Frank would very much like for the world to think his mind is perfectly clean, washed with soap daily. Usually, this is not true. Usually it’s about as far from rated G as a person could get, but right now, it’s more innocent than it’s ever likely to be again. Technically though, it is still rated Gee. The fact of the matter is that, Frank doesn’t care if he ever gets to kiss Gerard ever again, or do anything that you would be led to believe is involved in the foundation of loving someone, but that’s not even important to him. Frank doesn’t care if he never sleeps with Gerard. He just doesn’t. He would of course love to have all those things, there’s nothing about Gerard that he doesn’t want, but he doesn’t need them.

Right now, Frank’s mind is focused on all the things little kids want. He wants to go on dates to amusement parks or movies. He wants to have a Lady and the Tramp moment, buy him flowers and chocolates, kiss him before work and every night before bed. He also kind of wants Gerard to wear clothing typically associated with a princess, but that’s not really included in the innocent parts of his mind so much.

The point is, Frank could be celibate for the rest of his life and not give a damn as long as he gets to come home and watch reruns of Chopped with Gerard while they make fun of Barbara who thinks it’s a good idea to start cooking a steak three minutes before her time runs out. When he thinks about Gerard, even thinking back on Gee, he doesn’t focus on the sexy moments, he’s thinking about the ones that matter. Like when he and Gee were talking on the roof, that had seemed far more important than anything else that happened.

Beyond anything, Frank’s not sure he even really cares what Gerard looks like nearly as much as he does about the way his mind works. Frank thinks he has the most gorgeous smile in the world, but that’s nothing compared with the way he’ll be talking about one thing one minute and then somehow get himself distracted by another topic of conversation, which will turn into a completely different tangent about something stupid or unrelated to whatever he’d been talking about before. Frank thinks Gerard has eyes that could stop a train in its tracks, but he’s also got a laugh that could do the same thing, and do it faster.

Frank doesn’t know how he fell so hard so quick. He really doesn’t. None of how he feels about Gerard should be possible, or long lasting, but Frank knows more than he knows anything else that these feelings can’t ever dry up. Not really. It helps that he knows that they won’t, but even if he takes that out as a factor, completely removes his future with Gerard from his memory, it’s still so hard to picture him being with anybody else after this. He couldn’t move past Gerard if he tried for a thousand years.

And Frank hates himself more than he is capable of putting into words for being such an ass to Gerard, but he’s letting his feelings get in the way. That’s always how he ends up ruining things, when he lets himself care too much about them. It’s hard to get angry about something you don’t care a lot about. He cares a lot about Gerard, more than he’s ever cared about anyone, and that’s why he’s so angry at the guy.

He still wants him more than the world, but he wishes that Gerard could see things the way Frank does. He doesn’t want to scare Gerard away though so he’s caught in a hard situation. He’s caught up in a vicious circle where whatever he wants will contradict getting it. Whatever he does will enter him in a war with what he wants. Everything is so much harder to deal with now that it’s real, because it’s not just a fantasy anymore.

It’s forcing him to act like an adult who has to make his own decisions. Actually kissing Gerard last night has made everything so much harder, because it’s real now. It’s no longer a plan he writes in his head while he’s not paying attention in math. This is something that is right in front of him that he has to deal with. It’s like in driver’s ed, when you’re taught about what to do in a situation where you’re swerving out of control. Being told what to do however many years ago and actually acting upon the instructions you were given is not as easy as you thought it would be.

Frank is not in a classroom imagining things anymore, he’s behind the wheel, and he has to deal with everything that being with Gerard may mean. For better or for worse. He’s never understood marriage vows as well as he does right now, because this certainly feels like a situation that any normal person should run from. Frank signed away his fate a long time ago though, and now he has to deal with what that means.

But that doesn’t change the fact that he needs to fume for a little while. Being pissed at Gerard may not erase his love for him, but it certainly doesn’t mean it’s something he can get rid of just because he wants it to go away. Life is not an episode of Full House. Dealing with that fact is not nearly as hard as life has turned out to be.

“Why are you not answering your phone?” Brendon’s voice says, replacing the music. Frank lifts his head up, seeing that Brendon is standing next to the computer, he rolls his eyes and lets his head fall back again.

“How did you get in?”

“Your mom loves me, remember?” Brendon says.

“She loves everybody,” Frank groans. “Ugh, it’s so hard to be angsty all alone in your room when your mom lets everybody who asks in the house. I can’t be a fuming teenager when I’m constantly at the risk of having to deal with people I know. What if I had been jerking off Brendon? Did you think about that?”

“Dude, I have gym with you second period,” Brendon says.

“There’s a difference between the locker room and, ugh, you know what, jeez, fine. Let’s just be glad that we’re both fully clothed.”

“Amen,” Brendon says. “Oh and by the way, Ray is out in my car right now, because like, I figured it’d be fine if I came in without you there to ask if it was okay, but your mom doesn’t know him and he does have that scary ass face, so...”

“Dude, that’s not cool, you can’t insult his face if he’s not here, that’s just mean. Only if they’re present can you diss them, because then it’s teasing, but if it’s behind their back than you’re just a bitch.”

“You have a valid point,” Brendon says, “So are we gonna go out and, like, get break up ice cream or what?”

“I didn’t know that was something that was happening in the first place,” Frank responds.

“Well I mean, we gotta have ice cream, I promised Ray ice cream, that was the only thing that convinced him to actually get in my car. I think he thinks I might have wanted to kidnap him, but really what would I even do with him if I’d kidnapped him? Like, I’m not really into torture or murder or anything so I’d probably just have to tie him to my shower rod and then what? What do I gain from that?”

“A sense of accomplishment?” Frank asks.

“Well yeah possibly, but let’s go stuff a shitload of ice cream into you so that you can stop sulking about the fact that you ‘broke up’ with Gerard,” Brendon says, putting air quotes around the words ‘broke up.’

“Why did you do that?”

“Well, I mean come on, you’re going to make up and then you’re going to make out and it’s gonna be gross, but that’s just the nature of things,” Brendon says.

“You don’t know that’s going to happen,” Frank says. He’s not sure how he feels about this whole situation. He’s mad at Gerard, and with himself, and with the world, but he still knows what Gee wrote in that letter. He knows that something is going to happen that Gerard doesn’t yet know about, so how can he be angry at Gerard for not thinking they’re going to get married someday when he knows for a fact that he’s wrong?

Frank is angry and he knows he’s thinking irrationally, because he feels like he doesn’t want to date that guy at all. But then he remembers Gerard’s smile, and his laugh, and the way he bats his eyelashes like a puppy when he thinks no one is looking, and Frank gets all weak.

It’s like the phrase ‘I can’t say no to you’ was invented solely for the way he feels about Gerard. Frank just gets so weak and feels his heart get caught in his throat whenever he so much as thinks about Gerard, and he hates how stupid he is over this guy. Frank’s always hated those cliché people who love their significant other more than words can describe, and for so long, Frank has felt like it’s fake, it’s not real. It’s a story, a fairy tale, made up to make people feel shitty about being single. But the way that Frank feels about Gerard is proof of how wrong he was when he thought that. Love may not be for everyone, but that doesn’t change that Frank wants to have Gerard in his life more than anything else.

“Come on, Frank,” Brendon says, grabbing Frank’s wrist and trying to pull him up.

“Ugh, I don’t wanna,” Frank groans, using his weight to try to keep himself anchored where he is.

“Did I mention I’m paying?”

Frank stops for a second, thinks, and then says, “So ice cream, huh?”

“Yeah, I knew that would get you,” Brendon says, rolling his eyes.

“I’m always down for free things,” Frank says, “but I’m getting everything on it you know.”

Frank pulls himself up, nervous about whether or not his eyes are red and give away that he’s been crying.

“Define everything?”

“Literally everything,” Frank says, “hot fudge, Oreos, marshmallows, whatever the fuck tapioca is, and everything else that they have available to drown my sorrows. Look at it this way, I could be getting wasted instead.”

“Yeah, well the ultimatum you’ve presented yourself with is whether you care more about your liver or your teeth.”

“I just want ice cream. I’m not game for signing away my body parts to simple luxuries quite yet,” Frank says, walking out of his room, feeling somewhat more socially equipped, but still not excited to be around people. He likes free things though, what else is there to say? If it’s free, Frank’s probably willing to go out of his way for it. Frank was the kid who would dump the whole bowl of candy in his bag if someone left it outside unattended on Halloween. His reasoning for this was that it was his birthday, so he’d earned it. Besides, he used to trick or treat with Pete and they played a very childish version of poker with the candy they won anyway so it was really important that he got a good collection of candy to haggle with.

“I know,” Brendon says, “that’s all I am to you. I’m a wallet.”

“Precisely, but at least you’ve learned your place.”

Frank hops down the stairs, rushing past the kitchen where his mom is doing the dishes that he once again neglected to do, but this time he had a real reason, that being that he had to take Gerard to the concert last night and get him to fall in love with him, which he supposes was both a win and a loss.

“Wait,” Frank says as Brendon closes the front door behind him, “this isn’t a trap to lure me to a place where Gerard is so that you two can sit behind a booth and watch us as you try to play out a plan where we makeup, is it?”

“I wish I’d thought have that,” Brendon says, “but nope.”

“How can I believe you?”

“Scouts honor.”

“You were never a boy scout,” Frank says.

“I guess that doesn’t really work on someone who you’ve known for a while does it?” Brendon says, frowning as he walks over to the car. When he opens it, he looks over to the passenger’s seat and asks, “Ray, were you ever a boy scout?”

“Nope,” he replies.

“Well damn,” Brendon says, and looks back over at Frank, “Sorry, but I guess I can’t promise you that then.”

“Well, just know this, if he is there, I’m going to punch one of you in the neck, and kick the other in the nose. I’ll let you two decide who is who.”

“Not it!” Brendon shouts.

“Dude,” Ray says, rolling his eyes, “not it to which one?”

“Oh,” Brendon frowns, “I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“You and Pete could be long lost brothers,” Ray notes.

“Nah, stupidity just runs in the tap water in this town,” Brendon says.

“Which is why I only drink bottled water,” Frank says, reluctantly pulling open the backdoor of Brendon’s car and clambering into the backseat. Frank hates backseats, partly because he’s about as short as someone who typically sits in a backseat and also partially because he has the stomach of a baby, and gets nauseas in the backseat of any type of moving vehicle. Frank seriously gets sick if he’s near the rear end of a train, he doesn’t understand his bodies gag reflex at all.

“That’s not why he drinks bottle water,” Brendon tells Ray.

“Shut up.”

“He has the immune system of a twig. He drinks bottled water because tap water gives him-”

“Don’t finish that sentence, forehead,” Frank warns.

“Yeah, actually, I agree with Frank,” Ray says.

“The whole world is against me,” Brendon frowns.

“Yeah whatever,” Frank says, “can we just go, I’m hungry and I was promised ice cream à la everything.”

“Fine,” Brendon says, and he starts the car, Frank can already feel the rumbling of it under his feet beneath him. Brendon pulls out of the driveway, off for them to meet Pete, Mikey, and because Brendon and Ray are meddlesome bastards, someone else.