The Chasing of Moons

“Gerard,” Frank says flatly, looking down at him as Brendon pushes him over to the booth where he’s sitting.

“So, like, we have to go... study the architecture of the outside of this restaurant,” Brendon says, grabbing Pete, who’s looking at Mikey like he’s a briefcase full of money, and dragging him away.

“See you,” Mikey says, waving at Gerard who looks incredibly pissed.

“They lured you here on the promise of ice cream too, didn’t they?” Frank asks, looking at the bowl in front of Gerard, which looks bland in comparison to Frank’s bowl of cavities.

“I figured they’d do the same to you,” Gerard groans, “but I fell for it anyway.”

“The breakup blues,” Frank sighs, sliding into the booth on the opposite side as Gerard. Gerard’s tucked away to the wall because he’s been making room for Mikey, who’s not here anymore. Frank’s sure if he were to look out the window he’d see four people staring at them and waiting for them to make out. “It demands ice cream.”

“It wasn’t really a breakup,” Gerard says, “We were never really together.”

“Then how come I feel like shit?” Frank asks, “I mean, I’ve never had a real boyfriend before, and I still apparently haven’t. I’ve never even dated anyone I liked. I’ve only ever dated girls, and I wasn’t really dating them anyway. It’s not dating if you just can’t find yourself attracted to them.”

“I don’t wanna hear about it,” Gerard tells him.

“You’re mad at me?” Frank asks, already knowing the answer.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t mean much,” Gerard replies.

“Well, I see it this way,” Frank says, “I’m asking too much out of you, and you’re asking too little. There’s not much of a compromise that isn’t going to piss one of us off and make this relationship miserable,” Frank says.

“So what are you saying then? If one of us will inevitably be drawing the short straw, than what’s the point of us making up?”

“There isn’t a point,” Frank says. “That’s what I’m saying. Whatever either of us do, it’ll piss the other off which will make us fight again, and there’s no way for this to ever work itself out, because you don’t care enough about me to ever consider a real relationship with me, and I care too much about you to settle with a relationship that’s going to end soon anyway.”

“I never said I don’t care about you.”

“You didn’t fight very hard when I asked you if you did care though,” Frank responds.

“You were putting me on the spot. You were basically asking me for a proposal, and I’m eighteen, I can’t give you that. I’ve still got most of my life ahead of me, I can’t just tell you something that may not be true.”

“You’re putting words in my mouth. I never asked you for a proposal,” Frank says.

“You asked me for an assurance that I cannot give you.”

“Well let me ask you this,” Frank says, “Do you think there’s any potential of you liking someone else more than you like me in the next year?”

“What? I... no!” Gerard says.

“So you like me more than you think you could like someone else right now. Then why is it so hard to tell me that you don’t want this to end as soon as things change a little bit,” Frank asks.

“Because I don’t know what I want,” Gerard replies.

“I do know what I want,” Frank says, “I want you. I don’t know what career I want, or where I want to live, or if I want to have an electric or gas stove, but I know one thing, and that is that I want you. I don’t care about the other shit, I’m willing to compromise on just about anything if it means I’m going to be given the chance to have a shot with you.”

Gerard shakes his head, and slouches in his seat like he doesn’t know how to respond to that. He looks anywhere but at Frank. He looks at the predominately empty ice cream store around them and then at the window which makes him put on that same grossed out face he had a few minutes ago watching Mikey and Pete. Frank looks at the window to see what it is he’s looking at to see that the two of them are kissing again, and he doesn’t want to see more than that so he looks back at the table, then down at his ice cream.

Why do Pete and Mikey get to be together and yet he and Gerard aren’t? It doesn’t seem fair, Frank’s tried a whole lot harder. He’s been miserable for a lot longer, and he has the awful terrifying fear in the bottom of his stomach that he’s going to mess up, and completely ruin his entire future. He might make one wrong move and his whole future will go down the drain just because he can’t work things out with Gerard. Mikey doesn’t seem like the kind of person who could ever doubt himself that much.

“Gerard, I don’t want to put so much pressure on you that I drive you away, but the fact of the matter is, I’m miserable right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future,” that’s a lie, but Frank says it anyway, “I just know that I don’t want to give up without a fight.”

“You know how long distance relationships go, Frank?” Gerard asks, “They always end badly. You never hear good things about long distance. We’re going to college next year. We’re not going to see each other. I’m going to be super busy doing all this shit, and you’re going to be just as busy, and everything will be a mess. I’m afraid that long distance will only make us angry with each other. I like you, I do, but I don’t want to risk growing to hate you because of how hard to manage everything is going to be.”

“Every relationship runs the risk of people growing to hate each other, Gerard, that’s how life works. Being that close with someone means you learn all the annoying little things about the other person and allowing them to get on your nerves, and long distance is no different. It will be hard, I know it will, but it’s not as hard as it would have been, like twenty years ago. We can talk all the time, and it can be like we’re still with each other.”

“What if we don’t have time to see each other or talk?” Gerard asks.

“We’ll make time,” Frank replies.

“That’s not how time works, Frank,” Gerard says, “I can’t just grow time on a tree to do things that aren’t immediately mandatory. I want to say that we can do it, but I don’t know if I can do it. I know that you think you can, but I don’t know if I feel the same way. It’s not about you not being able to do it, it’s about me being afraid that I can’t.”

“Are you trying to pull a ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ out of your hat?” Frank asks.

“Well, in a way, I guess, but I’m not lying when I say that I don’t know if I can do it.”

Frank sighs, angry at everything, and no one, and Gerard all at once. “Gerard, if you don’t think you can make this relationship work, than that’s all you have to say. Say it now and that’s it. I don’t have it in me to let you rot away my brain, so just tell me.”

“I want to make it work, Frank, I just don’t know if I can,” Gerard says.

“That’s not good enough, I need a yes or no. Will you try? Will you give it all that you’ve got to give that you won’t let this crumble? I think you and I could be great. You’ve liked me for a while now, and I wish I’d known sooner and made my move, because if I could’ve gotten you to fall in love with me last year than maybe it would’ve made you want to try harder, but right now, you’re looking at the fear of the unknown rather than the hunger to do your best to make this work.”

“Frank,” Gerard says, “my mind is not going to change.” Frank starts pulling himself out of the booth, barely even caring enough to grab his ice cream. Gerard clears his throat before Frank can stand up and he sighs, looking back at him, looking unimpressed with his lack of belief.

“What?” Frank snaps.

“My mind isn’t going to change right now. I don’t think I’m good enough for you to want to make things work with.”

“You don’t think you’re good enough?”

Gerard groans, looks at the ceiling, and Frank has the horrible fear in his gut that he thinks he might be making Gerard cry. He doesn’t want to do that, not right here in the middle of a restaurant where everyone can see them. Not at all, not really.

“Frank, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a completely jealous jerk, but basically, you’re more attractive than me.”

“No I’m n-”

“Hear me out!” Gerard says, and Frank doesn’t want to argue, because Gerard looks like he’s in a lot of pain just saying these words right now. “You’re more attractive than me, and you don’t have to believe that, but I know, with every bone in my body that that’s true. I’m... well I’m kind of ugly, and I’m fat, and no one really looks twice at me.”

“You’re not ugly!” Frank says, offended that he could think that.

“Let me talk, okay?” Gerard insists, “I know what I am, and I know you want to be nice and not agree out loud, but I think you know that I’m right. Don’t interrupt me! My point is, I believe you’re a good person. I like to think I’m really good at reading people, I’m pretty sure you’re not the kind of person who would ever be unfaithful, I believe that of you, okay? But the point is, if we’re going to college, to two different colleges, people are going to hit on you. They’re going to have their eyes on you. Everyone’s going to think you’re cute. No one is going to think the same of me. I don’t think you would ever be that guy who’d cheat even in a long distance relationship. I don’t think you’re Ted Mosby, or some other bitchy sitcom character, I don’t think that’s who you are, but you will still be the guy that everyone’s going to have a crush on. I’m going to be the guy who’s dating a guy way out of his league, and I’m positive that that jealousy will destroy me.”

“Gerard-”

“I’m not done! My point is, even if you never would be the asshole who cheats, you’d still be the guy that everyone wants to date, and I’m afraid of that. I’m afraid of dating someone who’s way prettier than me, and then having to worry every waking moment that I’m not as good as someone else who he could have. You could have anyone else. There’s so many thousands of people who you could want who are not me, and I will always be the guy who you’ve settled for, and you could have so many better people who can actually be there for you and not halfway across the country. I don’t want to be the guy who you settle for when you can have someone better who can give you more.”

“Gerard,” Frank says, and when he doesn’t interrupt, Frank assumes that he’s allowed to speak finally, “I don’t think you’re any of the things you think about yourself. I think you’re pretty much the most gorgeous guy ever. I don’t need you to agree with me on that, that’s just how I feel. I know that I will never ever think of you as someone holding me back. If there were someone who was a better model of you, like a newer model of the car that I have, who could give me more and give me a bigger house, I would still take the guy who makes me feel numb when he smiles at me.”

“You say that, but-”

“My turn, Gerard,” Frank says, “I have a lot of confidence in some things. I’m, well, I’m sure of this, if you and I put a little effort into this, we will succeed. I’m sure of that. I can’t tell you how I know, or at least not yet, but I do know that you and I are... well, we’ve got a lot going for us. We’re different than all the other annoying couples in school. For one thing, we’re far more attractive, and for another, we’re more honest in our intentions.”

“Frank,” Gerard shakes his head, “I know you think that, and I want to date you, I really do, but I can’t give you what you want.”

“Maybe all I want is just to date you and see where it goes.”

Frank doesn’t know if he’s having a change of heart. He doesn’t know if he’d go that far, because he knows it’s not entirely true. He just knows that fighting with Gerard about something that will be inevitably resolved is dumb. Frank knows with some certainty that what he wants from Gerard, he will someday get. Knowing that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want everything from Gerard right now, but he also knows that if he pushes too hard he really could push the guy away.

No, Frank hasn’t had a change of heart. He’s still angry at Gerard for not wanting the same things, and for not having enough faith in the two of them, but still, Frank knows that even if he doesn’t have the ease of mind that Gerard’s not going to dump him at the end of the school year, he’s still going to marry the guy a few years down the road anyway. Wanting commitment now isn’t going to change, but neither is the fact that Frank wants to be with Gerard in any way that he can be. He’s going to be settling a lot, yes, and Gerard’s going to have things more his way than Frank, but Frank can’t help the fact that he still really wants to be with Gerard.

Being angry with him isn’t something he can swallow and eradicate, but he can at least give himself a little faith, because he’s gotten this far. Frank’s gotten over the hardest bump which was actually getting Gerard to kiss him, so no matter how much pain it might involve, Frank is ready to take it on as long as he gets to spend as much time as possible with Gerard.

“Is that what you want though?”

“It’s not ideal,” Frank says, “but, I’m not going to have my way exactly, and I’m already asking too much of you, because I’m privileged with some knowledge you don’t have which is unfair to you. Basically, all I want is for you to give me a chance, because I know that you’re going to fall in love with me and I know I’m going to fall in love with you, so that’s all I ask.”

“That’s it?” Gerard asks, “a few hours ago you wanted guarantees and promises that I couldn’t keep.”

“I still want that, but I also understand that demanding it from you isn’t going to get me anywhere. We just started going out, I mean, fights are inevitable, I wasn’t expecting it to be so quick, but I knew it had to happen, but relationships have to include compromises, and if you’re okay with at least considering that this could be a real relationship than I’m okay with accepting that the future is a mystery and anything could happen.”

“Are you going to be happy if those are the rules?” Gerard asks.

Frank thinks about it. It’s not ideal for him to have to settle with the fact that Gerard isn’t ready to try as hard as Frank is, but he does still know things Gerard doesn’t. He knows that he’s going to end up with the guy someday, or at least, he probably is. Knowing that and holding Gerard up to that standard is unfair.

Frank hates Mikey for being right. That kid may be a few years younger than him, but he is a hell of a lot wiser than he looks. Mikey is actually freakily smart, and he’s worried for Pete. Pete isn’t exactly an idiot, he’s a smart guy, its social conventions and reading up on things that are actually happening around him that he struggles with. He’s smart and he’s got a way with words, but he doesn’t know shit about interacting with other people. Mikey is the opposite. He’s got mind reading skills like nobody else. Mikey sure does have his hands full with him.

Frank thinks, if Mikey and Pete, as unlikely and odd a pair as they are, can make things work in the future, Frank must have it in him to do that too. He knows that he wants Gerard, and he’s got the edge in knowing that he’s going to end up getting what he wants. If that isn’t enough, than he can never work anything out with Gerard at all.

“I’ll be happy as long as I get to be your boyfriend,” Frank says.

“Yeah?” Gerard asks.

“Yeah.”

“Well then let’s give those voyeurs what they want,” Gerard says, using his head to gesture at the window, where, seriously Mikey and Pete need to get a fucking room.

Frank nods, and starts pulling out of his booth again, sliding his ice cream to the other side so that when he sits down on the Gerard’s side of the booth he doesn’t have to reach over for it. He scoots in about as far as he can go, because Gerard is at a perfect angle in the seat for him to basically spoon right in there with him.

“You know we’re probably going to have another fight about this in less than a week or so, right?” Frank asks him, as he digs his spoon into his bowl and comes up with a huge mass of hot fudge.

“Yeah, I figured, but let’s have this while it lasts,” Gerard says.

“Fine with me,” Frank says, because for the time being, he doesn’t want to fight. He’s exhausted, and his eyes are sore from crying earlier. He just wants to enjoy his ice cream and Gerard.

“Your brother is gonna fuck my best friend,” Frank says, moping somewhat.

“Ugh, don’t talk about that while I’m eating,” Gerard replies, and Frank grins.

“Sorry,” Frank replies. “If it helps any, Pete probably said the same thing to Mikey. “

“Yeah, but I don’t mind that as much, more fun for me. He’s my little brother, I’m the older one, I’m supposed to threaten Pete with evisceration, but he’s so stupid and harmless, I don’t know if there’s really a need to threaten him, it’s Mikey who I’m worried about.”

“Well either way,” Frank shrugs, “I call best man at their wedding.”

“No fair,” Gerard frowns, “I’m Mikey’s brother!”

“I called it first.”

“You’re a bitch,” Gerard says, before Frank kisses the side of his mouth, and looks back to the window where those meddlesome bastards are high fiving each other. Frank will never admit that he’s glad that his friends are so nosy, but secretly, he wouldn’t have them any other way.