The Chasing of Moons

The moment that Frank gets home the only thing he can think about is Gerard, which is not unusual. The only he thing thinks about anymore is Gerard, but this time it’s painful and stinging. He thinks about what Gerard’s probably thinking of him right now.

Gerard’s mad at him, and he’s right to be. Frank isn’t the guy that Gerard deserves. Gerard is too good for him. He’s so willing to have everyone know that he’s gay, and then here’s Frank. Frank’s just this stupid, hopelessly in love guy who knows how his future with Gerard pans out and is still so afraid of it. He’s afraid of not having it, and frank’s also starting to realize that he’s afraid of having it too.

What if in the future, he can’t be as good to Gerard as he wants to be? What if he ends up hurting Gerard more than he does make him happy? What if Frank and Gerard are so hopelessly under the illusion of love that they never managed to actually find love? What if Gerard ends up deciding he doesn’t actually want to be with Frank?

Frank’s mind is flooded by too many what if’s and he doesn’t know what to do with them all. He doesn’t know, and he hates it. Frank hates not knowing. He wants to know the end of this story, and the middle and every other part, but he doesn’t. He knows only the important parts and doesn’t know how to make those important parts truths.

But he also knows that if he and Gerard don’t end up together, he could die, or he could kill Gerard. He wishes that he understood why they were so important compared to every other couple in the world. Why is it that Frank and Gerard’s lives hang in the balance when no one else’s do? Mikey and Pete don’t have this dark cloud over their heads, why are Gerard and Frank the ones whose lives depend on each other?

Frank gets that it’s not their relationship that is the cause of why they would die, it’s the fact that going into the past is such a huge paradox for the universe to handle and if the goal that necessitated that time jump can’t be reached than the universe has to compensate for it. He understands that, kind of, but what he doesn’t understand is why he and Gerard wouldn’t have ever met without him having met Gee.

Why is it that Frank would never have noticed Gerard if it hadn’t been for that fling with the older version of him? Why was the Frank of two months ago so unbelievably stupid that he never looked twice at Gerard? Frank can feel his entire body screaming out for Gerard, but why is it that he needed a shove to get him to realize that?

Frank falls onto his bed, broken inside and feeling like he’s been fighting in a war for several years. He never knew that loving someone would be so hard. He never knew that he himself would be the barrier standing between what he wants.

Because Frank does love Gerard. He loves him so much that he could never put it into words just how much he actually loves the man. Frank would step in front of a gun for Gerard. He would do anything if it meant keeping Gerard safe. He doesn’t even care that he would end up getting hurt, he just cares too much. He cares so much for Gerard than he can’t even handle it.

But Frank is still afraid of people knowing. He loves Gerard, he does so much, he loves Gerard so much that he doesn’t have words for it. And he’s still so afraid of people’s opinions. He wants to believe that he loves Gerard so much that he’s able to overcome anything, fear, doubt, the opinions of others, and he does so wish that that were true, but he knows it isn’t.

Frank loves Gerard, but he doesn’t know if he loves Gerard more than he’s afraid of people judging him.

Frank could barely tell his two best friends in the world that he was gay. He could barely say it to the two people who he would honestly trust with his life. It took him a year to muster up the energy to say it to them. How can he be expected to tell the entire school? That’s hundreds of kids, most of whom he doesn’t know, but all of whom know of him. He’ll be the gossip for the rest of the school year. He and Gerard will be the only thing anyone ever whisper in the halls about. He’ll be the gay kid.

Frank’s okay with being the gay kid in his own mind but he doesn’t know that he’s strong enough to be the gay kid in everyone else’s mind too.

Frank just wishes that Gerard could understand this crippling fear. He wishes that Gerard knew that it wasn’t about him, it was about Frank being a coward. That’s what he is, Frank knows it. He’s a coward.

He pretends he’s too good to care about other people’s opinions and he pretends he’s not this little boy who falls victim to what other people have to say about him, but it’s not true. He loves Gerard, he really truly does, but he’s afraid of what people will have to say about that.

If Frank had one wish it would be that he could make his fear go away. He wants to be free of self-doubt and be free of the judgmental gaze of others. He wants to be as brave as Gerard. Gerard probably wouldn’t even call it bravery; he would just call it the way it is. Inevitable. It is inevitable, because Frank will have to come out eventually. He doesn’t think that he should have to, because he doesn’t think that his sexuality is really anyone else’s business but his own, but he’s going to have to do it eventually. He would prefer if it didn’t have to be in high school, when everyone’s goal is to be cool and survive in one piece. He wishes it could be after he’s made enough of a life for himself that no one around him would be bothered by it.

Frank sighs, stops himself from crying, and decides that today, there is at least one step he can take to appease what Gerard thinks of him.

Frank takes a deep breath, and exits his room. He walks down the hallway to find his mother busying herself in the laundry nook, folding her clothes, blissfully clueless to the fact that Frank is imploding on the inside behind her.

“Ma,” Frank says, to get her attention.

“Hi Frank,” she says, “Come to help with the laundry?” She laughs because even Frank knows she can’t be serious. Frank has tried to help before but Frank is incapable of learning the art of folding. He could never work in retail. Frank can’t even do origami.

“There’s something I have to tell you,” Frank says, and the tone of his voice prompts her to stop what she’s doing and turn to look at him.

“Something wrong, Frank?” she asks, and Frank shakes his head. He’s feeling the same chalk-like sensation throughout his whole body that he’d had when he’d told Pete and Brendon. He’d done that and survived though, so Frank knows that he can bring himself to tell his mother too. Maybe. He hopes.

“No,” Frank says, “it’s just. God, I don’t know how to say this.”

“You can tell me whatever it is, Frank,” she says, and that doesn’t help. He still is afraid of people knowing. This is his own mother for god’s sake, if there’s anyone he should be able to tell, it’s her. He knows she’ll understand and he knows she’ll be a saint about it, and still he’s this stupid coward who can’t bring himself to say it.

“Okay,” Frank says, and he decides that his only option is to just rip the band aid off and say it. She keeps looking at him intently, with worry in her eyes that Frank supposes that he understands. The tone in his voice is one that any mother would worry over.

Frank takes a deep breath, and doesn’t let it out, instead he just says, all in one breath, “Ma, I’m gay.”

“What?” she asks, and Frank knows he probably was incoherent. It’s easier this time to say it though, because he’s said it once before so he knows that he can get it out again.

“Mom,” Frank says, heart racing faster than he can bear it, “I’m gay.”

“Oh,” she says, looking almost relieved. “Alright then.”

Frank is dumbfounded, because there it is. He’s said it. It’s taken him so long to find the courage, and he’s finally gotten the words out. And his mom doesn’t look angry, or disappointed, or any emotion other than concerned for her son.

But telling the whole school won’t be this easy. Frank doesn’t even think saying that this was easy is accurate, because he was fucking terrified. But this is his mom, of course it’s still easier to tell her this, because he trusts her more than anyone else in the world.

Nevertheless, he needs his mom to tell him what to do because as it is, Frank doesn’t know what he’s doing. “And there’s this guy.”

“Oh,” she says, looking excited this time, “what’s his name?” Frank’s still completely petrified of everything going on in his life, but now he has one less thing to worry about. And maybe Gerard will be able to understand how hard it was for Frank to tell his mom, and it will dawn on him that Frank really does care about him, loves him even.

“Gerard,” Frank says, “but I think I ruined it.”

“No, now I know that’s not possible,” she says, and even though he’s scared about everything, Frank feels his heart start to slow down. This is his mom. This is his mom, who knows now, and she’s as kind about it as Frank always knew she would be. This is just a regular conversation with his mom about a person that he likes, and his mom’s advice is going to be the most useful assortment of words that he’ll ever hear until the next time she opens her mouth. Because this is his mom, and she cares about him no matter what, and she knows that Frank is still her son no matter what. To Frank, his mom is all knowing, and wise beyond words.

“I’m afraid that I pushed him away,” Frank confesses.

“Then you’ve got to pull him back in,” she says simply, and Frank knows she’s right. That’s what he needs to do but he can’t find it in himself to do it.

“It’s just-” Frank starts, “I am afraid that he and I both know that I’m not good enough for him. And I’m afraid that he’s going to realize that he doesn’t need to be hindered by me.”

“You’re not a hindrance, Frank,” she says, “do you know if he likes you back?”

“Well he did,” Frank says, “but I probably went and messed that up, because I’m such a coward.”

She shakes her head and asks, “why do you think you’re a coward.”

“I’m afraid of being the… the gay kid. Gerard, he’s been out for years, and I don’t know that I’m strong enough to endure everyone knowing. I don’t want to be a subject of gossip, I just want to be with him, and not have anyone judge me for it. But he thinks that I don’t like him enough and that’s why I don’t want anyone to know, but that’s not it. I’m just so afraid.”

“Your fears are not invalid, Frank. Kids are cruel.”

“But what if my fear keeps us apart?”

“If he can’t see that you’re an amazing person, Frank, then maybe he isn’t worth it,” she says, and Frank shakes his head. He can’t tell her what he knows, he can’t tell her about the letters, or about Gee, he knows he can’t, but she needs to understand.

“I’m in love with him, mom,” he says, “and it’s stupid because I’m in high school, and I’m going to college next year and we’re not going to have any time to talk, and it’s going to be hard, and I’m stupid because I’m only eighteen, but I am in love with him. I am so desperately in love with him that I can’t blink without seeing his face, and I can’t see his face without falling apart and I can’t sleep because I love him so much, and I’ve gone and fucked it up and I’m so scared that I don’t know what to do. I’m just falling apart.”

“Aw, Frankie,” She says, grabbing him and pulling him into a hug. Frank’s so short that he is still and probably will always be, shorter than his mother.

“If you love him, and if you think that you can make things work, then the odds can be damned. If Gerard loves you back, and I know he must, because you are such a good kid, then he will realize that it doesn’t matter who knows as long as you are together.”

“You don’t think I have to tell everybody?” Frank asks.

“I think you should do whatever you feel is right. There are always going to be obstacles in your way,” she says, pulling away to look at him, “there’s going to be a thousand different obstacles, and when you get past one, there’s always going to be another. But if you and Gerard love each other, then a thousand obstacles and more is what you’re going to face. He’ll see that eventually.”

“But do you think he’s right? That I should tell everyone?”

“I think both of your arguments have merit. It’s hard to keep a relationship a secret when you love someone enough to shout it to the world, but it’s also hard to overcome a fear just because it’s asked of you. Whatever you think you are capable of doing, that’s what you should do.”

“How can I tell everyone at school when I’ve been afraid to tell you though?” Frank asks.

“Just remember that it’s not a monster you’re fighting, it’s just a couple of opinions which will fade away in a few years anyway. None of the people at your school will remember you’re this or that in five years. Those who don’t accept you aren’t worth your time. As long as you know that those who you care about still stand beside you, then no one else matters. It’s easier said than done, I understand, but that doesn’t change that you are good enough not to need anyone’s approval but your own.”

Frank knows that she’s right, because not a day has ever come and passed where his mom hasn’t been right, but it’s still a huge mountain he’s facing that he doesn’t know if he’s capable of climbing or not.

Frank just has to think of that letter. He knows that he’s going to have to end up with Gerard one way or another, or he could die. But he’s still afraid of it. He’s afraid of both futures that now stand before him. He’s afraid that he’s going to miss out on Gerard, and he’s afraid that he’s going to get him.

But Frank still loves Gerard. That’s something inside of him that he cannot nor will he ever be able to change. He still loves Gerard and always will.

He knows it won’t be easy, but Frank is going to do whatever he needs to do to make sure that he and Gerard have the future together that he knows they’re made for. He’s gonna Gordan fucking Ramsay this shit.