Heroes Exist (I'm Just Not One of Them)

“Get out of my room.”

Benni and I are something of a couple. Somewhat.

“Hey! Fuck you, fuck you, let go of me!”

Thing is, once you’re famous enough that your fans start writing fanfiction, life imitates fiction. It’s like the fourth main governing law, right behind “You punch a tree, you’re gonna regret it”. In our case, Benni and I got together because apparently we’re a cute couple and the fans love a good show. (It only sounds horrible.)

“Fucking hell, Benni, I will rip your goddamn motherfucking arms off!”

I adore Benni. Really.

Right now though I could punch Benni in the face and not feel an ounce of guilt. I try to escape Benni’s grasp but ve just readjusts vir hold.

Well. I’m fucked. Fine. No use risking another injury.

“That’s it,” ve says approvingly as I go limp in vir arms. “We need to talk, and the door was in the way.”

Ve leads me over to the dining room table, right in front of a plate of pancakes. Indignantly trying to reclaim a shred of my dignity, I cross my arms and slide down in the chair.

“Fine,” I snap. “What do we need to talk about?”

Ve gestures to the plate in front of me first and doesn’t move an inch until I grab the fork. “Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you.” Benni sighs and sits down in the chair opposite me. “I’m worried about you.”

I gathered as much by the fact you didn’t give me a knife, but sure, state the obvious.

Instead of answering, I shove a bite in my mouth. I chew and swallow mechanically, not tasting it. Hate to say it, but I’ve been a jerk to vim lately. Being civil for a moment won’t kill me.

“You haven’t been the same since Westbrooke.”

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

“Do you want to leave? Would that help?”

Huh, that’s a new one. But still. This isn’t my hometown, not even close, but it is Benni’s and that alone makes me want to stay. I shake my head.

“Then help me out here! I want to help you, I do, but I can’t if you won’t let me!”

Something cracks inside me. “Maybe I don’t need help,” I spit venomously.

Benni’s face twists into a scowl. “You need help.”

Whatever it is cracks a little more. “Fine, then maybe I don’t need your help.” I take sick enjoyment out of watching the way Benni’s face crumbles. (I told you, I told you, stop it!) “You ever think of that?”

But then Benni swings from hurt to vicious. Ve even bares vir teeth as ve growls, “Fuck you. You want to wallow in self-pity the rest of your life? Fine! Do it! Forgive me for caring about you!”

Vir anger feeds mine darkly. There’s this perverse pride welling in the face of vir hatred and anger, and I can’t stop the words. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t.”

“No, actually, I shouldn’t! Not if you’re going to be a whiny, ungrateful bitch!”

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck you!”

Now we’re both standing and screaming in each other’s faces.

“Why don’t you just leave then?”

“Because unlike you, I’m not a coward! I don’t run away!”

I freeze for a split second, and for that split second I study vir face for... something. Fury has set my nerves aflame, and damn it I can’t even fucking think straight anymore. “You know just how to slice and jab, don’t you, you little fucking cunt?” I hiss. “Well, guess what? So do I.” I shove vir chest, sending vim back a step, but Benni just gets further in my face.

“Don’t you dare call me that--”

“What, cunt?” The smile I give is sharp, and oh fuck, yes, it hurts like glass shattering. “Why the hell not?”

“You know what? Fuck you!” Ve steps back. At first I think, Good, leave, but then vir fist shoots across my face, and I go down, the taste of blood exploding in my mouth.

And maybe that's even better.

My head cracks painfully against the wall, and wow, stars. Benni pants heavily as ve stands over me and vir face is red and blotchy, but already there’s guilt building in vir eyes.

That’s when I start laughing.

It’s not a healthy laugh, not in the slightest. The taste of blood taints the sound. “God, I deserved that,” I say as Benni reaches down to help me stand.

“Happy with yourself?”

“No,” I admit, “but it’s a start.”

Almost as if I’d just told vim I sacrificed babies to Our Lord Satan, Benni lets go of me. Which isn’t too far off base, I guess. Ve sinks down heavily in vir chair. “God damn it, you can’t keep doing this.”

“I’m sorry.” My mouth is dry. The metallic taste of blood bites at my throat.

Ve just shakes vir head. “You aren’t just hurting yourself. We care about you. We can help, but you need to talk to us.”

“I can’t,” I whisper, swallowing thickly.

Benni’s lips twist wryly. “Just give it a shot. I won’t judge you or even comment,” ve promises. “You just need to vent. Everyone needs to vent sometimes.”

Ve’s probably right. Bastard usually is. Ve reaches out, hesitant at first, and strokes the cheek ve’d just punched. A ghost of a smile twitches and dies at the corners of my busted lips as I lean into the contact.

“We’ll get through this,” ve says.

It takes me a moment to realize, but ve didn’t say that things would get better, or that we’d be okay.

Just that we’ll survive.

I smile.