Épousez-moi, Restez la Même Chose

Mikey watched fretfully from the corner of his eye as his brother sat on the sleek leather couch Alicia had picked out for their apartment with a lime green notebook balanced on his knees and a pencil between his lips. This is all he's done for three days--and he didn't have the heart to ask Gerard to go to his own house. He didn't want Gerard to be alone so soon after their tour had ended. Who was going to do his laundry and make sure he didn't disappear into one of the notebooks he always carted around?

Mikey swirled his spoon around the bowl of Count Chocula he was eating, his mind still on his dilemma with Gerard. He watched the marshmallows sink into the cold depths of milk and bounce up buoyantly a few dozen times until it hit him.

Vampires!

No, Fangoria.

*

"No, hell no, Mikey! I'm not some 45-year old balding man who can't find a fucking date! I'm doing just fine alone!"

That was Gerard's reaction to his little brother's cure for his 'horrible disease'. He didn't understand what was so bad about being single. Mikey was married, and he didn't seem all that--hell, who was he kidding, the little twerp had a hot wife, of course he was thrilled. But Gerard wasn't in any hurry to find a girlfriend right now. He'd just began work on his second comic with Dark Horse, and he didn't have time for girls. He hardly had time for himself anymore, and there was no way in hell he could maintain a relationship on top of all of that. He had trouble keeping relationships when he didn't have anything going on.

"Aw, come on Gerard, tell me it isn't a great idea! I don't even think they know English, so you can be a total recluse and just call her out for sex and cooking and remedial shit like that." Without waiting for an answer from his brother, Mikey skipped off into his living room and sat in front of his computer, turning it on gleefully.

Gerard groaned, wishing he had never visited Mikey in the first place. A phone call would have been just as good! A simple 'yeah, I'm still alive' would have sufficed, all he needed to know was that his baby brother hadn't killed himself yet. And that was purely so their mom didn't go off in a fit and blame the eldest child for not taking care of her baby, even though they lived in different states now.

He ran after his brother after a slight pause, reflecting on his bad fortune that Mikey saw the ad in Fangoria. What the hell was Fangoria doing advertising something like that? Sure all its readers were nerds who probably needed help getting dates, but mail order brides? Seriously? The only people reading those ads were fourteen year old boys with acne-sprinkled faces and soft doughy bodies who weren't in any need to get married.

"Mikey, get off of that right now! There is no way in hell I am buying a mail-order bride!"

"Well, I'll buy her for you. Think of it as an early Flag Day present. See, look, they only cost $150 dollars." Mikey pointed to the screen that was flashing Male Order Brides only $150!! (prices may vary).

Gerard buried his face in his hands and let out a muffled shriek.

*

When his phone, flashing and playing his 'Manthem' ringtone at one o'clock in the fucking morning, woke him up, Gerard had a malicious desire to chuck his phone out the window and never be heard from again. He knew just who it was calling him--he had personalized ringtones for everyone, and he put Mikey under 'Manthem' and Frank under 'Today' to piss them both off.

"This had better be a life or death situation, Michael, otherwise--"

He didn't get very far in threatening his brother, because Mikey's eager voice on the other end drowned out his promises of mortal harm and embarrassing stories he could tell Alicia.

"Gee!!! Remember when I ordered that mail-order bride??"

Gerard closed his eyes slowly, disbelievingly, screaming 'No' over and over in his head.

"No, Mikey, I do not, and if you ever mention it again, I'll make sure I'll never become an uncle. And, if you didn't get my meaning with that clever little threat, I'll chop your balls off and give them to some sick and twisted fan girl." He squinted his eyes at the phone in his hand, still debating the 'throw it out the window' plan. He can just get another phone--hey, he could even get a Chocolate like he wanted instead of the gay pink Razr he was stuck with.

"No you won't, liar. And, anyway, your wife is at my house right now, and I suggest you get your newlywed arse over here soon."

"Please tell me you're kidding." He held on to that last hope that this was something Mikey would do, call him up in the middle of the night with some made up story to piss him off. Why would Mikey actually order a bride for Gerard anyway?

"Nope, sorry, Gee. You have a wife now, and a pretty one, at that."

Gerard groaned, banging the back of his head into the headboard. "Is that some subtle way of saying she's a complete dog?"

It's bad enough he has a wife, but an ugly one? Gah.

"No, really, I don't think you'll be too disappointed. But...um, I don't think she knows English."

Finally, some good, Gerard thought. He wasn't going to have to talk with her! Maybe this will work out after all. Maybe he'll be able to convince people she's just a friend staying with him. No one will have to know that his idiot brother thought he was so desperate that he bought him a wife.