Épousez-moi, Restez la Même Chose

The whole 'Revenge' era, as much as Gerard might have denied it back then, was only his fear of being left behind. Because people were leaving him at that point in his life, and he wrote about that. About. About them dying and the fact that he would never get to see them again. Most of the songs on that album were songs reflecting on how much 'the character' missed someone. If the phrase 'history repeats itself' has any real meaning, that meant that Gerard would continue to lose people. And he accepted that. He had accepted that since he was a little kid, but.

He just always assumed losing someone meant that they died. That he couldn't do anything to save them. Their lives were in the hands of doctors and nurses, and to some people, God. The reason he accepted that so readily is because it put all the pressure off of himself.

Now, now wiL was leaving and he was sure there had to be something he could do. Of course there was. What that was, he had no fucking clue, but the knowledge that he was letting something go when he didn't have to was eating at him as he watched wiL climb down the steps with an overnight bag slung over each shoulder, his face blank. Gerard wished that he at least looked as bad as Gerard felt. Then maybe he would know it was okay to do something about it. Because how did he know that wiL even wanted to be with him at all anymore? Sure, it was a small, stupid mistake, but it seemed to really rattle wiL.

"Hey," Gerard greeted him at the bottom of the stairs, walking forward to place his hand on the small of his back in a greeting.

"..."

That so wasn't a response. WiL wasn't even talking to Gerard enough to say hi. He just walked on by Gerard, keeping his head hung low and his hair in his face. Gerard frowned and followed persistently, curling his hand around wiL's arm.

"Stop," Gerard said, tugging on wiL petulantly until he stopped.

WiL sighed and turned around, and just the movement of his neck the few inches up to face Gerard seemed haughty and like Gerard should be happy he was responding this much. He didn't spare any words, instead asked with a tilt of his eyebrows.

"Don't go." And he sighed when wiL's face remained a stone, reiterating himself in wiL's language so maybe it would get through better. "N'allez pas. Séjour avec moi." He tugged more firmly on wiL's arm, pressing into his form with his own and tucking his face in wiL's neck.

"You lied," wiL said softly, but his hand came up to rest on Gerard's head, and hey. It was progress. It was tentative and shaky and made Gerard feel like he hadn't known the boy he was hugging for weeks. "Why..."

It seemed like wiL had more to say so Gerard stayed silent without jumping in to explain himself. He needed to give the kid time to vent, or something.

"I love you Gerard, and. And you lied. Big lie. I. You say that I don't have to share you, but I do, and I can't." WiL sniffled and rubbed his cheek on the top of Gerard's head. "I wanted you to be mine."

Gerard nodded, curling his arms around wiL's waist and closing his eyes, kissing the warm skin of his neck without a protest to stop him. "You still love me?"

WiL snorted, nipping Gerard's ear. "I don't have a choice." He said it so fondly, paired with an action of such affection. It was hard to believe what he was actually saying.

He didn't love Gerard. He really was only doing it because of his job.

"Oh," Gerard said. He disentangled himself from the hug they were sharing in the middle of his living room to sink down into the couch.

"And I need to leave," he went on, following Gerard and, out of habit, sinking himself into his lap. It was normal. It was his normal reaction to Gerard being sad. He didn't know how to make it better other than forgetting about the whole mess, and he knew he couldn't do that. It had soaked into his skin, further than his tattoos could reach, into his heart. It hurt. And. Apparently Gerard couldn't see that he was hurting. He leaned forward to tap his nose to Gerard's.

Well. If wiL didn't love him, why the hell was he fighting this? Gerard didn't want to live a lie deeper than it already was. If both of them were lying, this was never going to work. If wiL didn't love him, couldn't forgive him, and if Gerard couldn't get everything out into the open, their lives together was a lost cause already.

"Then go."

WiL wound a strand of Gerard's hair around his fingers, toying with it, tugging on it light enough not to hurt Gerard. "You're not going to stop me?"

"You want me to?" Gerard cocked his eyebrow, sliding his arms around wiL's waist. He wanted to say it was a force of habit, but it wasn't. He wanted to feel warm skin underneath his hands, pressing into the insides of his arms, leaning into his chest. The warmth moved around in his arms, kissed at his jaw. It broke his heart.

"No. I just want to go."

"I don't want you to." Like it was going to help to say that. WiL already made it pretty clear he wanted to go.

"I know. But I want to."

Gerard didn't want to fight. He didn't, and he could feel it picking up between them. He wanted to end it now, so at least he could think back on this day after wiL left him and know that their last day wasn't just fighting.

"Then go."

Gerard bumped one of his knees up and wiL slid off his lap, picking his bag up and slinging it back on its place over his shoulder. He held out his hand, wiggling his fingers around and Gerard took it, resisting lacing their fingers together or squeezing wiL's hand or. Or the normal stuff. Because those things weren't how it was anymore. This was The End. And it was worse that he could pinpoint this day, whereas when someone dies, it's less expected. It sneaks up and hits so you don't have to keep on wondering and knowing that there's more you can do.

Gerard knew there was more that he could do. In all honesty, he knew that he could keep wiL here just by telling him to stay. By making it a command, but he didn't want that. He didn't want to live with a captive.

"Licia should be here soon," wiL whispered, leaning against Gerard. "You." He took a deep breath, looking up at Gerard and holding his gaze. "You don't have to stay."

"Yeah, I do."

"Why?"

Gerard frowned. "Because if I go, cats will attack and kill me."

WiL nodded like it made sense, like that was the reason they were splitting up and going to be in different states. "I don't want that."

"Yeah," Gerard sighed, tangling his fingers into the back of his hair. "Me neither. So, so you go, and. And Alicia will take good care of you." It felt like Gerard was dying, actually. Like he was the one going away and never returning. But that was so fucking stupid, because in reality he was staying here and doing nothing instead of trying to keep the best thing in his life from leaving him. And yeah, wiL was the best thing in his life now. He had a routine. He needed to wake up next to wiL to feel whole in the morning. Needed to sit at their kitchen table, talking and kissing and smoking like normal people to be able to go through the rest of his day.

He looked up at the ceiling, not really feeling the tears so much as feeling his nose start to stop up. Crying wasn't an option here. It wasn't, he wasn't going to disgrace himself like that. His breathing shook with suppressed emotion, his hands shook, he bit down so hard on his bottom lip that liquid copper greeted his tongue, but he couldn't stop himself.

"I--um, I need to go get some coffee," he gasped, bolting up from the couch to run into the kitchen. The sharp corner of the kitchen counter bit into his hip wonderfully, and he pressed himself against it, trying to block everything else out. He didn't think about how he wasn't going to be able to go through his days the same way he had for the past weeks, didn't think about wiL at all and what Alicia was going to tell him, just. Didn't think. His hands moved on their own, reaching up to grab a coffee cup from a cabinet and set it down on the counter.

"Gerard..."

He didn't want to see wiL right now, he couldn't.

"What? You want any?" Gerard asked, motioning to the empty coffee maker with his mug. He set to work grabbing the coffee grounds off of the microwave and pouring them carefully into the maker.

"Gerard..." wiL said again, softer this time. Gerard still didn't want to turn around and see. Or let wiL see how fucking weak he was. See that he couldn't even handle wiL leaving to go to his brother's house without breaking down in tears. The mug skittered out of his grip and scraped across the counter top. Gerard watched it halfheartedly, not bothering to scoot it back to himself. He knew he couldn't drown his sorrows in coffee, that was stupid.

He heard a car outside, and due to the lack of traffic on his road, his stomach dropped. He knew who was here.

"Um. Ils sont ici," wiL said.

"Yeah. Bye."

"...Gerard..."

He took a deep breath and didn't turn around. He knew he should, he knew what he was doing. He heard wiL huff.

"Jerk," he heard, then the front door slamming.