Echoes

Pepper Potts woke up alone.

This came as no surprise to her. But the big bed she slept in somehow felt cold and lonely anyway. Though she had moved in with her boyfriend only a few months prior they had barely spent a month’s worth of nights sharing the same bed before things had changed drastically. Or at least the change seemed drastic to her. Seeing very little point of lazing around Pepper got up and began her daily routine; showering, primping, preparing for her day spent as far away from the Malibu Mansion as she could get.

The Malibu home was extravagant and one she had been long familiar with. Sleek, modern, open-concept, and filled with the most brilliant technology available, most people couldn’t have asked for more. But the mansion perched on the side of the cliff overlooking the ocean had become a place of sadness as of late. Pepper avoided it now, like the plague. It had nothing to do with the house itself. No, the house was gorgeous.

Over the short time she’d lived there the walls had filled with tension and anger. Instead of finding resolution, Pepper chose to avoid it. When she left the bedroom and walked down the hall past exquisite artwork she’d procured over the years the house remained silent. It had once been filled with warmth, but never while she lived there. She walked into the living room and expected to see her boyfriend asleep on the couch, where he customarily wound up resting each night.

But he was nowhere to be found.

Her nerves officially at their very end, Pepper pulled her reddish-blond hair back into a ponytail leaving only her bangs framing her freckled face. She muttered a few angry words beneath her breath, words she’d never be able to say to his face and probably didn’t really mean. As she was ready to walk out the front door she realized that it had been left wide open. At first she was afraid there had been an intruder. That was until she realized what was keeping the door open. There was a bulky pile of wires strewn across the floor leading through the foyer, past hallways and the extensive living room then finally down into the basement where she knew her boyfriend would be at the other end of them.

Tony Stark was far more than extraordinary in many ways, but he was a below average boyfriend at least in Virginia “Pepper” Potts’ opinion.

Ignore it, she thought. Just keep walking. Go about your day. Don’t let it bother you.

But she knew she couldn’t. Against her better judgment she walked down the floating stone steps and at the bottom accessed a glass security panel near the door. Her hand stopped over the keypad upon discovering that a massive hole had been created in the concrete nearby and the wires that she had followed were shoved through it haphazardly. There were remnants of concrete dust all over the floor below. Her blue eyes narrowed and grayed with anger, Pepper finished dialing in the code hastily and waited impatiently for the door to open.

“Tony!” Pepper hollered but received no response. At the far end of the extensive room hidden beneath the mansion she could see the very man she’d called for but his back was turned to her. Blueprints hung in the air around him framed in holographic blue light. The entire house was wired up to a sophisticated computer system. This computer, known as Jarvis, was responsible for the holographic blueprints as well as the security system, cooking, cleaning, and nearly anything else they desired. Jarvis was the ultimate butler. Tony had spent his time creating beautiful technology like the kind floating around him since his youth. He’d broken nearly every record when it came to genius level intellect and had gone on to graduate from MIT before most students were preparing to apply for the same school.

Since then Tony had taken over his father’s company, Stark Industries, obtained multiple doctorates, led the way for weapons development and technology and changed the world with his energy research. But a few years prior something changed Tony’s life forever. It made him even more extraordinary.

He’d nearly died.

Terrorists attacked and kidnapped him during a demonstration using his company’s weapons. One in particular had exploded and nearly killed him. The shrapnel would’ve destroyed his heart but he was saved by the very people who had been hired to kill him. Or at least they were responsible for the capture of the man who had saved him. Tony had been taken captive and held for ransom by terrorists in Afghanistan but he hadn’t been alone. Another scientist had been held captive. This man had managed to rig up a small electromagnet that could fit inside Tony’s chest and keep the shrapnel from reaching his heart and killing him.

That seemed ages ago now.

As Pepper approached cautiously she could see the glow of the reactor through Tony’s black muscle shirt. He seemed to be in his own world, blissfully unaware of anything around him. What he was up to, she had no idea. In fact, she didn’t care. This often happened these days; it was nothing new to Pepper. Tony spent so much time locked away by himself that he would sometimes forget what it was like to deal with other people. The man who had once been the most notorious people person on the planet had become a recluse.

Each time Pepper saw that blue light she felt a sting in her chest. What it was from these days she wasn’t sure. Was she angry that he had the arc reactor powering the electromagnet there? She wasn’t angry that it was keeping him alive but rather that it powered the machines that framed the room. At one time there had only been seven armored suits but Pepper could’ve sworn there were at least thirty now. And of course, Tony was working on yet another one. The suits were what made Tony even more extraordinary than he already was.

Tony Stark was the so-called “super hero” known as Iron Man.

Pepper had never liked the term super hero. In fact, she thought what Tony did was just plain reckless. And yet there he was, cooped up in the corner of his basement, having created a gaping hole in the wall to throw wires through, working on more super hero suits. The wires were plugged into a machine that was thrown together at the last minute. Some pieces were even held together with a few belts and duct tape. This machine was creating some kind of levitation or force that Pepper didn’t understand but it was holding up pieces of what she was sure was another suit.

“Tony.” Pepper grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at her when he didn’t bother to acknowledge her even though she was sure he must have heard her. She was tired of being ignored, tired of finding their house in shambles, and tired of having to deal with what seemed like a temper tantrum from a grown adult every time they spoke.

“Oh, hey!” Tony offered a weary smile but judging by the bags under his brown eyes it was clear that he hadn’t been sleeping again. It was more often than Tony wanted to admit that he couldn’t find rest. Tony could tell Pepper wasn’t happy with him and with that in mind he tried to appear as friendly as possible. She didn’t seem to approve of anything he did these days but it wasn’t for lack of trying. They simply couldn’t figure out how to communicate anymore. Then again they hadn’t communicated very well when she’d been his assistant for years either. Only now he had to listen to her.

Everything Tony did seemed to set his girlfriend off. It was funny, Tony sometimes forgot she was his girlfriend. She’d been his assistant much longer than his girlfriend. Romance had sparked between the two after the incident that had made him the super hero he now was. Part of him knew the romance had blossomed due to his fear of death. At the time he’d hoped it would be more than that. Now he was beginning to see that wasn’t possible. “Here, look, before you get mad at me…”

“It’s far too late for that.”

“What did I do now? You just got down here!”

“How about spending all night putting holes in our walls? Did you even try to sleep? What about work, Tony? Hmm? What about your company?” There was a time where Pepper had been CEO of Stark Industries but she had never been really qualified for the position. She had assisted Tony with the job for years and she was certainly an intelligent and powerful woman, but she simply wasn’t Tony Stark. No one could replace him and the job had proven to be too much. Thankfully Tony had been more than willing to take the position from her once she’d formally resigned.

Except the past few months Pepper had to fill the void that Tony had left behind once again as head of the company. She’d become acting CEO of Stark Industries in his absence, taking things to him in private since he refused to appear in public. Often he made appointments and never showed due to lack of sleep or disinterest.

“But do you see this thing I built? I have to replace the cookware from upstairs though. I may have welded it in here. The copper core was just what I needed to boost the voltage.” Tony pointed to what was clearly a pot handle sticking out of the back end of the machine that was holding up his suit. Pepper didn’t have to say anything for Tony to be able to tell she was not amused. “Look it’s, in short, an anti-gravity device.” Pepper seemed skeptical despite the pieces that were floating right in front of her as proof. “Last night I had a revelation… about how to create a pocket in existing space similar to a vacuum that would give me the ability to manipulate the gravity within this pocket. You see I control it with… You don’t care, do you?” Tony’s smile faded and the light in his eyes disappeared along with it.

“You’re building more gadgets and toys when you should be getting real work done.”

“It’s Saturday.” Tony whined and pouted but it had no effect on his girlfriend. He thought he was pretty cute, so why didn’t it get him any leeway? It never really had with Pepper though.

“Yes, it’s Saturday. We should go out and do something. Get out of the house! Go do anything besides this. If you’re not going to go to work on something important then we should get out. Take me out, Tony. I need to get out of this house other than for work!” Pepper pled with him. Watching Tony’s excitement fade made her feel guilty but it had happened often enough that she was growing numb to it.

“First of all, this is work, even if you don’t see that it is.” Tony pointed to the machine but then waved around him. The schematics he’d been tinkering with when she’d arrived disappeared. A dull hum faded into a whine then completely dissipated as the anti-gravity machine turned off. The pieces of the suit clattered to the ground noisily into a heap. Tony found his heart racing in his ears after Pepper’s suggestion.

He didn’t like going out. He couldn’t control what happened in the outside world. Every time he’d even considered going out these days for more than a few moments he’d found his heart rate elevated. It was puzzling. He was pretty in shape, as far as he thought.

“Stop tinkering and come have lunch with me.” Pepper hoped that getting Tony out of the house to see the real world would break him of the strange habits he’d developed over the past few months. They hadn’t gone on a date since before they’d returned to Malibu. Pepper was growing tired of waiting for Tony to be attentive but Tony was growing tired of having to cater to her when she didn’t extend him the same courtesy. All in all, even if Tony did go out with Pepper that afternoon neither was sure it would aid them in the least. Pepper wanted Tony to be something he wasn’t. “The press is dying to get a glimpse of you. It’ll be fun.”

For a few precious moments Tony considered actually putting his things away, getting showered and dressed and going out with Pepper simply to humor her. But even as he turned the idea over in his mind things spiraled quickly out of control. The world outside of his basement was dangerous, far more than he had ever imagined. His hands grew cold and clammy. He couldn’t leave there until it was safe, until he was sure that they would be safe. Pepper didn’t seem to share these concerns and Tony had never understood why. Maybe she didn’t see the evil in the world, in the universe, the way that he did. Or maybe she didn’t care.

“I have too much to do here.” Tony nodded to the machine. He was only half lying about that. “This is a huge discovery, I have to tinker with the technology and see if I can make a clean design that doesn’t involve pots and pans. What about tomorrow?”

“I don’t care about the suits!”

“It’s not a suit! I told you it’s an anti-gravity machine! Maybe you need your ears checked, Pepper…” Tony attempted a joke but it was completely lost on the fiery red-head who was now also red in the face.

“I don’t care about that either!” She snapped and pointed a severe finger at him. He leaned away from it comically. “You don’t come to bed…”

“You kicked me out of bed, to be fair.” Tony’s smile faded.

“You don’t come to work.”

“It’s my company I can work from wherever I want.”

“There is no arguing with you!” Pepper stamped her foot. This wasn’t the first time they’d argued over these same topics and the arguments had always ended the same way. “I’m going out with or without you! If you would rather stay down here with these toys than go out with me then fine. I don’t care. Do whatever you like, that’s what you always do anyway. I’ll just hang out with Happy.” Pepper turned and stormed off, secretly hoping that he would follow her and apologize.

But Tony didn’t do that. He watched Pepper walk away and through the door then up the stairs and out of sight. When she left he turned to face the machine he’d been proud of only an hour before. Instead of switching it back on and getting back to work, Tony turned away from it. He walked across the long office that served as a garage and personal laboratory for his experiments. His feet didn’t feel like his own, they dragged across the concrete.

Sitting behind the round custom desk that was both sleek and modern at the end of the room Tony grabbed the stress ball that laid on his desk. It had been a gift from his best friend, James Rhodes as a joke. Now as Tony squeezed the life out of it, he thought it might have been the best gift he’d ever gotten.

“That’s all you do, anyway.” Tony muttered as he considered that Pepper would once again be going out to lunch with his long time driver who had once served as a bodyguard. Happy Hogan was an ex-boxer and a good man but lately Tony had seen very little of him. They’d used to spend their free time together goofing off, getting into trouble, and going on adventures of their own but recently Happy had been at Pepper’s side at every opportunity. Tony knew he should’ve been jealous of their bond but for some reason he wasn’t.

In fact, all Tony could think about was that he wished things could go back to the way they had been before he’d started dating Pepper. It wasn’t that dating her had been all bad or that he didn’t like her. It was that things hadn’t meshed the way he’d imagined they would. He missed the Pepper Potts who was his friend and assistant. He missed the driver who sent him stupid cat pictures in his email. Ever since they’d returned to Malibu from Manhattan both of those people had disappeared.

But how could they ever be like that again? Certainly if Tony broke it off Pepper would become another red ex on his list. He’d have to replace his assistant and his friend and he wasn’t sure how to begin that process. She’d been his assistant for so long he had forgotten how hard it would be to train another. Plus there was part of him that was scared to lose Pepper forever. It was one of the longest running relationships he’d ever been in. For years he’d had a well founded reputation for being a little bit of a player. Maybe it wasn’t as much a little reputation as it was notoriety. Besides that, how could he trust anyone else?

If he gave up on what he had with Pepper it would be another failure and he wasn’t sure he could go back to being the cold hearted flirt that he used to be. Tony was still a flirt, but he wasn’t after instant gratification anymore. His life had changed when he’d become Iron Man. He was certain that if he suggested to Pepper that she move out and they go back to how things were that she would be less than receptive. But she didn’t seem to like being with him either. He wasn’t sure how to fix the problem. Either way he seemed to lose.

There had been a time where things weren’t as bad as they were now, even after they’d move back to Malibu. Tony had slept in the same bed as Pepper, they’d still go out to dinner, and had civil conversations. Shortly after their return Tony began having night terrors. He’d wake up thrashing or yelling about something or another. Pepper had been woken up by him on multiple occasions over and over again. She had eventually sent him to sleep on the couch downstairs despite his obvious distress. At the time he hadn’t been bothered by being kicked out because he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have done the same to her. But as the events repeated and became more frequent, Tony resented that he’d been kicked out of his own room.

Tony had even tried to express what was happening while he slept and after he got up. He couldn’t control the fact that he was having these nightmares! He’d tried. The only way he could think to avoid them was to avoid the act that brought them on and that meant no sleeping. Even Tony Stark couldn’t devise a way to live without sleep and not for lack of trying. The human body required a reset every day. He didn’t necessarily like it, but that’s how things were.

Pepper didn’t care that he was having nightmares. She said everyone had nightmares! It wasn’t her fault, so why was she suffering because of them? In a way, Tony understood that line of thinking, but at the same time he wasn’t trying to make her suffer. He was struggling. No, Tony had only wanted her to understand what was happening to him. He hadn’t even expected her to help him. He’d only been trying to explain his actions in hopes she would be less angry about things beyond his control. Instead she’d treated him like he’d been making excuses. When she’d shut down his attempts to talk about the growing problem, Tony became discouraged by talking altogether.

What was the point if it yielded no results? It only served to make him feel more pathetic. On top of that, when Pepper saw that he was struggling to sleep, struggling to go to work, struggling to get out of the house, she did nothing! It was obvious, even to the press, that something was very wrong with Tony Stark. So why couldn’t the woman who lived with him see it? Maybe it wasn’t her responsibility to point out that he was having a hard time. Or maybe she thought that he wouldn’t let her help him even if she had tried and found the effort not worth the result.

But wasn’t that part of the responsibilities of being in a relationship?

Tony was new to the long term dating scene but he was ninety percent sure that he was obligated to ask Pepper if something was wrong when she was upset. Even if he hadn’t answered truthfully, if she had bothered to ask him, at least it would’ve helped to know she cared. Tony had never been one to reach out for help; he’d always been far too stubborn. So when Pepper had dismissed his attempts to talk about the problems that had compounded in a short period of time, Tony had instead internalized. Tony wanted to be happy again. He wanted Pepper to be happy too. He wanted that more than anything. He’d done all this for her, why couldn’t she see that? The suits were to protect what he cared about.

Those two things, their happiness, didn’t seem to coincide. Could they really be happy together? They seemed to need two very different things.

He’d decided to cast aside that line of thinking. Their relationship mattered less than finding a way to overcome his newest set of problems.

He was the most brilliant mind of his generation. Tony could handle anything that came at him, even the horrors that lurked in his own thoughts. Or at least he thought he could. Sort of. The more he thought about it the more he wasn’t so sure. He’d never really failed at anything that mattered before. His fingers were tingling again and he squeezed the stress ball again. Maybe he hadn’t eaten enough.

Could he really handle any of this, though? How could he tackle this problem when he wasn’t even sure what it was? Life had changed drastically and not just for him, but for the entire world. It was the first time he’d ever doubted his abilities. Over confidence had always been his greatest strength. Pepper would argue it was also his greatest weakness.

Nothing had been the same since the incident in New York six months prior.

Tony got the chills as he thought about the chaos that haunted him and looked behind him nervously. He’d suddenly gotten the creeps and a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as though someone were watching him. The more he thought about it the more he was certain something terrible was about to happen. Even his concrete walls couldn’t protect him from that memory. Chills ran down his spine. His palms began to sweat. Every squeak of his chair made him paranoid.

New York often had that effect on him, even just the mere mention of it. While helping S.H.I.E.L.D. locate an item from another world called the Tesseract which had been stolen by a man, a god, named Loki Tony had nearly lost his life. It wasn’t the first time that Tony had brushed up against death close enough to feel its cold breath but for some reason this instance lingered in his mind. It haunted him every time he had a quiet moment. His chest constricted and he coughed to get rid of the cling that had suddenly developed. Was it getting warmer in there or was it just him? He’d have to check the thermostat. His hands had gone completely numb. Was he trembling? Maybe it was just a plane flying too close.

Loki had been from another world himself and meant to take over the Earth with alien forces that Tony couldn’t exactly remember the name of. He’d purposely forgotten because the name made him feel ill when he said it. Tony found his hands gripping tighter at the arms of his office chair, so hard that his knuckles turned white. When S.H.I.E.L.D., the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division, had seen the portal created by Loki and his Tesseract they had made the executive decision to fire a nuclear weapon in an attempt to close it and prevent the alien forces from invading.

Doing so would’ve annihilated the entire population of Manhattan as well as slowly killed people living miles around the blast zone. Tony couldn’t watch that happen. So in his Iron Man suit he’d grabbed hold of the weapon and guided it through the portal. But if he had let go before the weapon had hit zero gravity then it would’ve redirected back toward its intended target thanks to the very heat seeking system he’d developed years prior.

In those moments Tony had embraced death and as a result had been given a glimpse behind the proverbial curtain. What he’d seen was something he couldn’t wrap his mind around no matter how hard he tried. The strength of other worlds was far superior to that of earth and he couldn’t figure out a single way to combat it. Since then he’d spent every waking moment trying to find a way to keep himself safe as well as those that mattered to him. But the only people he could think of that mattered enough to him were now the very same people that couldn’t stand to be around him.

“I can’t…” Tony had every intention of telling himself to get back to work and stop dwelling on the past but instead he’d muttered something he’d only thought. He couldn’t think about New York. He couldn’t think about the creatures that had come to attack the earth. He couldn’t think about Loki or Gods. And he certainly couldn’t think about what his life had become since he’d cheated death a second time after falling out of the portal in a broken suit. If it hadn’t been for the other Avengers what would have happened to him?

He’d lost control. This was his desperate attempt to regain it.

And here he was losing control again. His fingers tingled and felt foreign, numbed. They curled against his will and he saw spots in his vision. The only thing he could hear was the pounding of his heart in his ears. His thoughts raced. If he took deep breaths, he could calm down. But what if he couldn’t?

Climbing out of the chair in search of a glass of water Tony immediately felt his legs wobble and give out beneath him. He grabbed onto the edge of his desk desperately and balanced on his now rubbery legs. His hands that had earlier felt clammy and warm were now trembling so severely his whole body shook. His breath grew haggard and short. The more he tried to understand what was happening the worse the tightening in his chest became. Was he having a heart attack? He coughed again, in hopes of loosening the grip on his lungs. Maybe it was an allergic reaction.

“Water…” Tony couldn’t find his water bottle anywhere. He turned frantically around in search of it. He wasn’t sure if water would help but it was worth a try. His throat felt incredibly dry, suddenly like sand paper, and it seemed the only logical thing to do. As he used the desk to guide him in case his legs gave out his desk chair swung and knocked over the very bottle he’d been looking for. What was left, which was very little, had spilled out onto the floor. “God damnit!” Tony cursed, punching hard at the desk.

The pain in his hand stung but it distracted momentarily from the chaos in his mind and the constriction in his chest. Shocks of ache reverberated all the way to his elbow. Tony slammed his fist against the desk again and then again. Then he overturned his monitor which crashed on the floor and sparked as the screen crackled. Papers flew across the room at his urging. He kicked over his chair, shoved it as far as he could, and then stumbled in place when he’d run out of things to knock over. Standing in the middle of his desk surrounded by half ruined technology and the mess he’d created Tony suddenly came to reality.

The air was no longer choking him; the confusion no longer trapped him so violently. What had come over him?

What was happening to him? It didn’t make sense!

Was he that upset with Pepper? Tony had been much angrier about far more important things in the past and had never flown off the handle like that. Usually he’d masked his anger with humor, but not now. Instead of trying to clean up his mess Tony sat down on the floor in the center of the once round desk. Head in his still shaking hands, Tony concentrated on taking deep breaths and measured his heart rate to make sure that it wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. Other than being elevated Tony didn’t sense anything wrong. Was it a cardiac episode? Maybe the arc reactor was failing.

“Jarvis, what the hell just happened?” Tony muttered. It wasn’t the first time he had been sure his heart was going to give out in weeks past. When Tony closed his eyes he saw flashes of outer space and fleets of armies filled with warriors twice his size and strength coming for him. Snapping them open he felt his heart quicken and checked his pulse again. His heart rate was higher than when he exercised.

“Your blood pressure is very high, Mr. Stark.” The charming computer answered from speakers built around the lab as if to voice his thoughts. The voice had the slightest hint of a British accent as if to mock the idea that he was an old English butler.

“But why?” Tony muttered.

“Scans show you are not having a heart attack. Everything appears perfectly normal.” Jarvis was quiet for a few seconds before continuing to speak. He’d been searching for conditions that matched the symptoms he’d observed in his boss. “May I suggest that you are suffering from an anxiety attack?”

“What?” Tony’s eyes widened. “A panic attack? Me? Come on Jarvis, be serious!” Tony couldn’t hear the response that came next from his computer. All he could think about was that it was possible he was having a panic attack! Tony Stark completely incapacitated and melting down in his basement because of something as stupid as panic? It sounded absurd even in his head. It couldn’t be true. There was no way that Tony was having a panic attack. Panic attacks were for teenagers or socially anxious people. Tony was neither of those things.

But what if he was wrong about that? He didn’t know anything about anxiety attacks. He didn’t know what it was like to suffer one, really. Even when he’d been in captivity he hadn’t panicked. So why was he panicking now? How pathetic had he become in order to be panicking over somewhat complex thoughts? Suddenly he wondered if maybe panic attacks were a far more serious matter than he’d once been led to believe.

The death grip returned on his chest and Tony gripped at the arc reactor that burned hot beneath his fingertips. Maybe he was overheating the electromagnet! Would that mimic the signs of a heart attack? That had to be it. It was the only explanation. There was no way he was suffering from any form of anxiety, not him. But as the sweat rolled down his face and his thoughts continued to race Tony somehow knew he was, in fact, suffering from some kind of panic attack. As much as he denied that he could possibly be panicking, he knew he was because he had panicked before. After waking up from past nightmares he found that he was near tears and practically choking on his breath. Though tears had never been shed, the shame created by the fact that they nearly had was enough to make the panic worsen.

Ringing suddenly filled the entire room. Tony gasped for breath when he realized he’d been holding it and blinked his eyes open. When had he closed them tight and wrapped his arms around his knees? When had he started trembling so terribly? Most importantly, where was the ringing coming from? His ears had been ringing earlier, but not quite like this.

Tony looked up when he heard a whirring and chirping nearby. A long robotic arm extended down from the cart that held the same robot’s body. It held a water bottle for Tony. The robot was the very first Tony had built in his youth, DUM-E. Most of the time it proved to do nothing but break things and fail to follow orders, but for now it had brought him the water he’d been so desperate to drink.

Tony took the bottle, stared at the robot in awe, and then took a greedy drink once he’d opened it. The ringing continued so Tony waved his hand at Jarvis above and signaled him to let the call come through. He’d finally realized that the phone was what was ringing and he wasn’t going crazy. At least not completely.

While his thoughts were still racing as quickly as his heart, Tony was grateful that the ringing had interrupted him. Whoever had called him had inadvertently managed to break the grip of panic that had overwhelmed him. As Tony’s vision came into focus, even though he hadn’t realized it had blurred until then, he saw the name tag at the top of the virtual telephone interface in front of him. Often Tony used video phone service he’d developed but a few of the people who were privileged enough to have his personal number didn’t have the luxury of video phones.

“Tony?” Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes of the US Military spoke from the other end of the line. Rhodey’s voice was a regular comfort in comparison to the shrill screaming of his vociferous thoughts. At first Tony couldn’t respond. His voice wouldn’t come to him. His mind couldn’t get past having been stuck in his head for so long. Eyes searching for an escape from the images that flashed in his mind, Tony was only brought to reality when Rhodey’s voice repeated again but louder and more concerned. “Tony? Is this a bad connection? Can you even have a bad connection?”

“I’m here, Rhodes.” Tony’s voice sounded scratchy, as though he’d been screaming at the top of his lungs for hours but in truth he’d barely said a word other than to Pepper. The mess around him suddenly seemed very real. When had he knocked over so many things? Had he really broken his monitor? That was an expensive and stupid thing to do. Then again, with the money Tony possessed, he could afford more than few stupid expensive mistakes.

“Tony, jesus, you scared the hell out of me.” Rhodey exhaled on the other end of the line. Had Tony really worried him that much? Guilt ripped through his stomach making him feel sick.

“Sorry.” Tony had a thousand quips prepared in his mind but all he could muster was an apology. Rhodey’s worry was palpable through the phone line, but Tony paid it no mind. How could he explain what had just happened to him in the middle of his lab when only moments ago he’d been perfectly fine? Well, maybe he hadn’t been fine but he hadn’t been having a panic attack either. If that even was a panic attack. How was Tony supposed to know what was happening to him when he’d never had a panic attack before? Even thinking about it made his head hurt. He certainly wasn’t going to ask anyone about it.

“Sorry? Tony, what gives? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, Rhodey.” Tony finally managed to speak, clearing his throat though the cling lingered in the back of it. “What is it? What do you need? Is this about the Warmachine again? Because I thought we had already discussed how this was going to play out. If you want upgrades you have to bring it here, to me. I don’t have a contract with the US Military anymore, remember? I’m not going to sign another either so don’t start.” The words spilled out of his mouth naturally, masking the confusion in his mind and his heart.

“No, it’s not about that. I’m just checking up on you. We haven’t talked in a month and we usually talk all the time. Most of the time I can’t get you to shut up.” Rhodey began. It was true, Rhodey missed his best friend. Ever since he’d started dating Pepper, Rhodey hadn’t seen as much of Tony as he once did. He understood that there was a grace period for relationships where things were exciting and they wanted to spend all their time together but Rhodes didn’t think that was the case on this occasion. Tony had become a recluse and whenever Rhodey saw Pepper she was with Happy. Something had felt off to Rhodey ever since Tony had moved back to Malibu.

After having spent so long designing Stark Tower why did he go back to the mansion he’d decided to use as a refuge from the cold winters in New York? Not to mention Tony hadn’t been to a single party that he’d been invited to and that was more than peculiar for the notorious socialite. The final straw had been that Tony’s birthday had passed without so much as a whisper. Rumors were beginning to spread that he was sick or had gone crazy. As much as he didn’t want to believe the gossip magazines, Rhodey couldn’t help but be worried about his friend.

Plus the few times they had talked, conversation had been strained and strange. When Rhodey had inquired with Pepper about his suspicions, Pepper had claimed that Tony was fine. Even then he could tell that the woman was about as sure of that as he was. It had only made Rhodey more suspicious and he had finally decided to get into contact with Tony himself. Now that he had, Rhodey’s worry only worsened.

“I lost track of time. I’m a busy guy and calendars don’t mean much to me unless Jarvis makes a big deal out of it.” Tony waved his hand but then realized there was no one who could see him. His fingers were still trembling so he watched as it shook, mesmerized by the movements.

“Well, if you’re not too busy then you should meet me downtown for a drink.”

“It’s noon.” Tony checked the time on his phone since he no longer had his computer since the monitor lay broken on the floor.

“And this has been a reason for you not to drink since when?” Rhodey chuckled. If he let Tony know he was too worried, it was likely he wouldn’t be able to convince him to join him. Plus, he really did want to see his friend even if he refused to discuss what worried him.

“Okay, okay but… I’ve got a lot of work to do here… I really shouldn’t.”

“Come on, Tony. It’ll only be a few hours and we can catch up. Work can wait. It’s Saturday.”

“Since when can work wait?” Tony was surprised since Rhodey had usually scolded him when he’d neglected to show up on time or complete tasks when he was required to. But these days Tony had to remain busy to keep his wandering thoughts in check and often this meant spending a lot of time sitting in his basement tinkering with his technological developments.

“Since it’s Saturday.”

Tony gazed around the basement and his stomach sank. He’d told Pepper only a short while ago that he had too much to do to leave the house but now he was seriously considering joining his friend for a drink. Undoubtedly she’d be angry at him later and argue that he didn’t want to spend time with her. But did Tony really care how Pepper felt about his going out with his friend? She seemed to be mad at him all the time for one thing or another anyway. At least this time she’d have a reason even if he had no intention of alienating her.

Then he felt the guilt weigh on him again. Pepper was a good woman, a strong woman, and had been loyal to him for years when no one else had stood by him. They may not have been working very well romantically together but he bore her no ill will of any kind. Surely if he could tell her that he was struggling with finding a comfort level high enough to leave the house she would understand. His laboratory was a comfort. His cars were a comfort. His suits were a comfort. These things made him feel safe. When he was with them he knew that he could protect her and he could protect himself.

As he looked around his basement a chill ran through him. What once had brought him comfort now seemed cold and unforgiving. His desk was a mess and the suits surrounding him were staring at him, judging him. The shattered monitor reminded him of the fit he’d had. He felt the panic gripping his chest again, his lungs tightening and forcing his breath to grow shorter. His heart pounded in his ears, threatening to overtake him if he didn’t get out and get fresh air. The basement was suddenly suffocating him.

“Okay, I’ll meet you downtown. Text me where and I’ll be there after I get ready.” Tony spoke all too quickly and then hung up before Rhodey could respond. He couldn’t talk to his friend in this frame of mind. Realizing he had been gripping too tightly at the water bottle his robot had brought over to him, Tony struggled to open the cap, cursing all the while. Finally with the drink free once more, he guzzled until there was nothing left.

Water wasn’t enough, he needed air.

His Malibu home was suffocating him just as Stark Tower had done before he’d finally left New York in shambles. Maybe a change of scenery, even a bar, would do him some good. Either way, he couldn’t be downstairs in his lab anymore, not today. There was no comfort to be found there, only the hard crushing reality that he was a man broken, a shell of who he once was. With any luck when he came home the feeling of hopelessness would be gone and he could again find comfort, at least for a little while.