Your Slightest Look

Ángela wasn’t angry at all, no, of course not. She couldn’t blame Mark’s reaction on anyone but herself, seeing as he’d been one of the people she’d trusted the most while she’d been in Middle School. She wasn’t angry at Mark, no.

She was afraid.

“But—” the brunet was so confused, he didn’t seem like he could make any sense. Felix was an everlasting presence beside her, hand on the small of her back to remind Ángela that she was never alone. “You—”

“I know, okay?” her fear was about to make her blurt out something rude, she knew it, but she couldn’t help it. It was her defence mechanism, the best way to survive. “I know it’s weird, and it’s insane, and it’s pretty much disgusting.”

“Ángela—” Felix warned, but she shook her head.

“Look at him,” she took in a shuddery breath. “He wanted Allen, not Ángela. I bet he’d rather not have known this.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” Mark pursed his lips, and she could see Amanda behind him, her little fingers rubbing his hand like Felix was rubbing her back. A little tension left her body. “I just wanted to know if something bad had happened to you, that’s all. I saw the camera and—well, I got scared, okay?”

“I’m alright,” she crossed her arms, now uncomfortable. “You can go now.”

“Ángela, stop it,” the ginger wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she glanced away from Mark, tried desperately hard not to think of the weekends spent wrapped in his bedsheets, crying because he didn’t feel right inside and his eye was too swollen to cover up. “He’s okay with it.”

“He hasn’t said so,” she returned.

“I think we need to talk,” Mark interrupted, but Ángela didn’t catch the bait, eyes glued to her boots. “Privately, maybe?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she mumbled.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Felix put in, and she glared at him. “In fact, it’s kind of time for dinner. Why don’t you leave Amanda at home and you two can talk over dinner?”

“I’m busy,” she immediately spoke.

“You’re scared,” Felix replied bluntly. “Mark?”

“I don’t want to make her uncomfortable,” he confessed. “But I do think we need to talk.”

“Fuck,” she mumbled, closing her eyes.

Mark and Felix began to exchange numbers, while Angela fiddled with her old camera, trying to distract herself. It was then that she caught Amanda’s eye and she winced, looking away. The girl that just told her she was her hero, what would she think of her now? Ángela didn’t think she even understood what was going on, but it hurt her nonetheless that she’d just crushed a girl’s hero.

“So you were born a boy?” Amanda’s voice started Ángela, and she nodded after a small pause. “Wow, you don’t look like one.”

Ángela laughed, but it was choked. “Yeah, medicine today is kinda great.”

“It must have been hard,” the thirteen year old looked at the two photos she had in her hand, frowning. “Was Mark your friend?”

“Yes,” she nodded. “Yes, he was. And a great friend, he helped me a lot.”

“Mark helps everyone,” she shrugged. “I thought you didn’t need any help. You’re like him, you help everyone, too.”

“I do what I can, Amanda,” she sighed, rubbing her arm. “I’m sorry I’m not the hero you expected me to be.”

“But you are,” she frowned, and Ángela froze. “You haven’t changed, right? Like, you were born like this. I’ve always seen you as a girl, never knew you had been a boy before. Nothing changed, right?”

“Y-yeah,” Ángela had to agree, but she was stunned. A small smile began to from on her lips.

“Mark’s always told me that you can’t change some things, that you can’t help them,” she shrugged. “Like being gay, you know. So if you were born a boy but wanted to be a girl, then, well, that’s okay, right?”

“Yes,” Ángela nodded with a grin. “Yes, it’s okay.”

“A bit weird, but okay,” she nodded to herself. “Okay. You’re still pretty cool.”

“Thank you,” the lavender haired woman laughed, covering her mouth to hide it. “You’re pretty cool, too, Amanda.”

“Thanks,” the girl smiled.

“It’s late, Mandy,” Mark walked over to them and grasped his step-niece’s hand gently, watching his old friend wipe her grin off her face. “Have you said everything you needed to say?”

“Yup,” she nodded with a smile.

“See you, Mark,” Felix waved.

“Bye,” the man looked at Ángela and just when she thought he was about to ignore her, he gave her the tiniest and truest of the smiles and waved at her. “See you later, Ángela.”

They walked away quietly, and Felix picked up all of their belongings spread around the bench, calmly whistling to himself. Ángela just kept staring at Mark’s back, trying to find a reason to not go to dinner with him and—talk.

It was the first time she’d heard her real name come from his lips.

“You’re doing it again,” Felix told her.

“What?” she turned, frowning.

“You know,” he wasn’t happy, wasn’t sad either. He was solemn. “Crushing on him.”

“I never liked him,” she defended, taking her own guitar.

“No, you loved him,” Felix caught her shoulder. “Ángela, he’s fine with it.”

“You don’t know that,” she shrugged him off. “I know I can’t help it, but do you know how many times my relationships have been ruined because I told them I’m transgender?”

“Angy—”

“They’re disgusted, Felix,” she walked briskly to their rented car, fighting back the burning behind her eyes. “Mark only cared about helping a little boy who got bullied because he was a raging homosexual, and instead he found a fucking girl.”

“You’re the most transphobic person I’ve ever met,” Felix spat as he sat on the copilot seat.

“I’m sorry I’m still not over the fact that I’m a chick with a goddamn dick,” she slammed the door shut. “And you just had to force him to have dinner with me.”

“I didn’t force him!” he slapped his seatbelt on. “He wants to talk to you, Angel, goddamn it! He’s your friend! You used to think the world of him, what the hell happened to that?”

“He left!” she sobbed. “That’s what happened, okay? He left me there to fend off for myself! And then I had to endure my brother and my fucking mother alone!”

“You had us,” the ginger muttered.

“No, Felix,” she sniffed, wiped her tears, and kept crying. “We’re born alone and we die alone.”