Simply Sad

I felt the feeling. You know, that feeling when you’re just simply sad. You don’t exactly understand why you’re this sad, you just are. I laid in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Why did I have to feel this? Why did I have to be this sad?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe. I sat up on my bed, swinging my feet over the edge. The cold air hit my feet fast, and I lifted myself off of the bed. Have you ever felt so sad that there was a weight on you? That’s how I felt. It was as if a literal black force was pushing me down.
I opened my drawer, and found my box of blades. The sadness was numbing already, and I took one of my smallest blades—the one from a pencil sharpener. The cold metal was almost soothing as I grabbed it, in a sick way. I rolled down my sleeve and I slid the blade across my skin. As it slid across, the red came with it, and soon there was four, five, six cuts across my skin, each one of them bleeding.
I felt a feeling of relief. It felt much better than just being sad and feeling numb. I could actually feel something but sadness when I cut myself. There was pain. That felt good. People don’t understand why people cut themselves, for me it is an escape from how sad I am.
My iPod lit up. “Audrey, have you been sad since this weekend?”
It was from Josh. I grabbed a tissue to soak up the blood, and grabbed my iPod to reply. I wasn’t going to lie. He already knew about how sad I was.
Josh is my best friend. I am in love with Josh. It has been almost five months, and my feelings have not faltered at all. I can’t describe to you how amazing Josh is.
I responded with, “Yes, why?”
It wasn’t that I wanted attention, but I wasn’t going to tell him that I was perfectly happy and things were okay. Because things weren’t okay. I had just cut myself. Was I going to tell Josh that? I didn’t know.
“Because I want you to be happy,” He replied.
I laughed out loud. That seemed impossible unless I was with him. I was just happy with him. There was no other way to describe it. He just made me happy. I had told him almost everything about me and he had told me things about himself too.
“Sorry,” I began to type, “I just get sad. A lot. Sometimes I don’t even know why.”
His response was fast, “But what in particular made you upset?”
I didn’t want to respond. There were a lot of things, some of them I couldn’t even describe in words. It was around 11 and I decided to put on my headphones so I could try to go to sleep.
I first went out to my kitchen to get my antidepressants. It is called Amitriptyline. My doctor didn’t want me to have a very high dose because I am only fourteen so I take three 10mg every night. It helps me sleep and makes me feel better inside.
I played “Dark Paradise” by Lana Del Rey. It didn’t take me too long to fall asleep.