Simply Sad

The next day was a Monday. I woke up feeling really tired. I had restricted myself from eating anything yesterday (fasting). Getting ready was the same, a bore. I silently road in the car because I didn’t have anything to say to my dad. He didn’t have anything to say to me, either.
Stepping out of the car, the air was warm. I was wearing long sleeves, as usual. I saw others wearing short sleeves, and I felt like shit. Why did I have to be this way? I wanted to wear short sleeves so bad. Almost to prove myself. But if I wore short sleeves . . . everyone would know.
My two closest friends, Jacky and Carrie were standing by a group of girls who I was friends with, but not really very close. I made an ugly face at both of them, and they returned with double chins. I stood close to them and smiled.
The school doors opened, and I went to my locker. After gathering my shit, I said goodbye to Jacky and Carrie and went into Health class. I have Health with Josh, which was my favourite part of it.
I sit beside him because we’re really close. “Ayyyeee,” I said.
He smiled at me. ughughugh he looked so adorable. He was wearing a blue jacket, skinny jeans (usual for him), and vans. His eyes are a gorgeous green that are probably his best feature. His hair is jet black with a kind of quiff but it’s more prominent when he runs his fingers through his hair.
Ricky (I know, it’s like we’re back in the sixties) sits to my right, and Matthew sits across from us. One of our other friends, George, sat to the table next to us.
The stupid conversations me and Josh have are all the same, we just laugh every five seconds most of the time. The class period was the same, me and Josh would be the last finishing our bookwork because we keep talking about other things.
After class ended, I couldn’t help but think how deeply in love with him I was. I couldn’t put it into words at the time, it was just a feeling that I couldn’t deny or tell anyone. How was I supposed to? Oh, yeah, I’m a teenager, and I’m in love. No one would ever believe it and I’d probably just be called silly.
I felt weirdly sad in the next class. Maybe it was the absence of Josh, or it was just me. We were working on finishing projects that gave information about countries in Southeast Asia. Mine was basically finished, and since we were allowed to listen to music, I did.
I thought about a lot of things. The way I cut myself the night before, how Josh would be really upset if I told him, and just thinking about Josh in general. Before long, it was as if I was drowning in my thoughts. Again.
After that class, I went to my locker to grab a pencil for my next class. Josh saw me at my locker and talked to me, and that made me feel pretty good. I always felt better after Josh talked to me.
Before I sound like some sort of cheesy teenager, let me hit you with this. I am not one to think that I am “in love.” I have never felt this way before. Yes, I’ve had crushes, but nothing like this. There is a distinct reason I have that makes me believe that I am in love.
You see, I did research. I found out that the feeling of love is different for everyone, but there are a lot of similarities. I was surprised with how many I matched up with, and I wanted to refuse to believe it. There were too many times that Josh pulled me out of the hole of my own mind.
Maybe it was because I was really sad, or because I needed something to will me into continuing to live, but I just really, really thought I loved him. I could never tell him. He would never talk to me, in fact, we’d probably lose our friendship. I couldn’t let that happen.
As I was sitting in my next class, I felt the need to cut. There was not a real reason, but it was there. I wanted a razor to slide across my wrist. I didn’t have any blades, that was my problem.
I started to look for a pencil sharpener. I found one on the teacher’s desk, and when she wasn’t looking, I grabbed it. It took me almost the whole class period to unscrew the screws holding in the blades. It was lunchtime when I got them out.
I cut myself during lunch. It was so sad how no one even noticed that I was splitting my skin open as they were sitting there happily. It almost made me cry. But I didn’t. I sat there with a vacant expression, splitting my skin open in my sweatshirt. No one could see.
Recess went by and I talked to Josh and his friends as usual. Carrie and Jacky were with me. They didn’t notice. I felt so sad. How did no one notice?
I finally told Carrie. I couldn’t take it anymore. Jacky had never known what to do about it, but she was there when I told Carrie, so she heard.
Carrie had tears in her eyes. This was a big deal. I know I have not mentioned too much of Carrie, but she almost never cried. As in, me and one other girl have been the only people who have seen her cry.
I gave her my blades, but she told me to give them to Josh because he would know what to do with them. I then sat through another class until the end when Josh came up to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“How did you know?” I replied.
“I could tell you were upset.”
I told him. I showed him my arm, and his first word was why. I told him I felt sad, and he asked for the blades that I had. I gave them to him and he told me that he didn’t want me doing that.
I wanted to go into his arms so bad. He seemed really upset that I did that to myself, and I felt pretty bad about myself. Had I hurt him? I wouldn’t know what to do if I hurt him. I would hate myself.