Notes on Heartbreak

I hate you. My sadness has finally bubbled over into pure hatred; my nostalgia hardening into solid feelings of loathing.
How could you? How the fuck could you?
Do not tell me how grateful you are to me as a person. Do not fucking tell me how much I have changed you for the better. I already know all of this, trust me.
I was there for you every single time. I listened to you cry and vent and open up to me about everything. I calmed you down when you got frustrated, and reasoned with you when you were acting on immature impulse.
I helped you with school work and pushed you to always be the best version of yourself possible. I built up your confidence to a new high, constantly telling you how amazing you were, funny, handsome, and lovable.
How do you show your gratitude and appreciation? How do you acknowledge my extreme effort in our relationship?
You broke me.
I will never have the same trust for someone, be able to fully give myself to someone or let my guard down, because of you.
Because you did it with no explanation, no regard for my feelings, no respect for me.
Because you threw it all away as though I meant nothing to you.
I wish I could scream at you. I wish I could show up to your house and tell you everything that runs through my head with each and every passing second of the day. Wish I could ask you the millions of questions I have been holding within me from the moment you pulled away from my house.
But I can't. I can't because I'm afraid of pushing you farther away. I can't because I still have hope that you will come back.
I fucking hate you with every ounce of my being. You are so unbelievably immature, but I suppose you're only acting your age.
I fucking hate that I hate you but at the same time I'm so in love with you and you clearly do not share the feeling. It was too easy for you to walk away, too easy for you to write me off.
Our relationship meant nothing to you; my support and love meant nothing to you.
When you look back one day I wonder what you will remember. I hope you regret these past weeks, I hope you cry because you let me go and I'm not coming back.
I'm done with you.
I was drowning Cameron. I was drowning for weeks and I had to continue on as though nothing was wrong. Biology could never explain the way my body absolutely ached, my heart seizing and throbbing within my chest.
You broke me. I rebuilt you so many times, I put your pieces together, I held your life together, I made you the confident asshole that you are today. And you tore me apart. You took everything I stood for; my independence, my attachment issues, my fear of being hurt, and you threw it all back in my face to the point where I can no longer even recognize myself.
My greatest revenge will be my end result. When I am done rebuilding, and when I am whole once again, you'll surely recognize me.
I'll be that girl from sophomore year that you fell in love with. The girl that you tried endlessly to impress, to talk to, and to win over. You did win her over but then you gave her up, you fucking lost her.
And when you want her back, I will be long gone.