Notes on Heartbreak

I can listen to sad songs now. I can listen to slow, love songs without crying or becoming sad. I no longer want to change myself in order for you to come back. I am becoming used to not talking to you all the time although I still wish I was. I can pretend you don't exist now, blocking your presence from my mind. But every time I see you, every time a memory flashes through my mind, everything comes rushing back; the texts, the break up, the pain, the good, the bad, everything. I want to forget you, to push it all to the back of my head, but I also don't because that means that you are capable of doing the same to me. I can only hope that you think of me occasionally. I can only hope that you feel a pang, even a twitch, in your chest when you see me in the hallway or across the baseball field. I can only hope that you are just as good at faking a smile as I am. Because if you truly felt no pain, no doubts, regrets, or feelings of missing me, then I truly meant nothing to you. All I can hope is that when you're alone, in your room, you think of me. All I can hope is that when you see my show pop up on your Netflix, that you think of me. All I can hope is that you see me in words we used to say, places we used to go, and things we used to do. That at night when you're bored you think, if only for a brief moment, of our old video chats. That on friday nights you remember, if only for a second, that those were our nights. I know you've blocked me out, but I hope I still get to you. I hope that you miss me, although I know this is a lot to hope for, a lot to ask. I don't think you contemplate your decision, not yet. I don't think you necessarily have regrets either, not yet. All I can hope is that one day you will. That one day you'll get sick of getting high, of meaningless flings with girls that I know you have no interest in, of hanging out with your dead beat, immature friends on the weekends. That one day you'll remember the girl that helped you through one of the toughest experiences of your life, that was with you as you became who you are today. That's when I hope you regret it, that's when I hope you miss me, that's all I can truly hope for.
I can think of you without sobbing now, without feeling excruciating pain in my chest. I've gotten used to you not being here, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss you every second, every day. I think of all the days I wasn't with you when I could've been in the past, and I wish I had taken those extra moments with you. I miss the feelings you gave me, the look in your eyes. I miss feeling unconditionally loved by someone. I read the funny comments you left on my instagrams and my heart breaks all over again. I can write all this now without crying, I have come so far in just three weeks without you. I'm proud of how strong I have been, but it's also incredibly scary. To think that you too could be adjusting just as easily, probably even easier, to life without me. That you will forget me, that you already have. All I can hope for is that you get sick of this life soon, life without me. All I can hope for is that this phase ends and you realize what you've done to me, to us, to yourself. All I can hope for is that you're faking your smile too, I know I've gotten pretty good at it.