Notes on Heartbreak

One month later. Just when I thought I was doing fine, one week with absolutely no contact, I broke down. I want to hear your voice. I don't want to forget what it sounds like, the voice that called me on the phone, the voice that whispered "i love you" so many times. As much as it pains me to do so, I want to see you. I crave small interactions in the hall way as I go to an exam and you to class. I hope for a party on the weekends because although I know we'll be on opposite sides of the room, pretending the other does not exist, I want to see you. It absolutely kills me to not know what you are doing and what is happening in your life. I used to be the one that knew it all.

I had a dream about you last night. At least, it should have been a dream but this morning it feels like a night mare. All I can remember is that you were holding me and kissing my cheek and forehead like you used to, and then you really kissed me. I want to be kissed by you so badly. You're the only one I want. It's been a month since I've kissed someone, or been held by someone, yet it feels like days. Each day is like a week, each week a year, yet then looking back on this whole month it seems as though time has moved so quickly, that everything changed too fast. So much can change in the matter of minutes, days, weeks, and I'm hoping our current situation again changes.

There I go again with the hope. I thought I had shaken that, thought I had dissolved all hope of you coming back in order for me to move on, but I can't. It's all I want, for you to comeback. And part of me really thinks that you will. But what if you don't? What if you never text me or call me again? I guess then I'll be forced to move on. That would kill me. I still have 3 months here before I go to college, I've learned that so much can change in even a night, so I'm willing to wait and to hold on to my desperate hope.

Hopefully, this week of silence for you has been helpful. I fully deleted your number so I can't contact you. I know you need space to think. I want you to feel like that you're completely losing me, that I'm not just here whenever you want me. I've failed in the past because I would contact you, afraid of losing you myself. But I have finally realized that in order for you to lose me I must first lose you, and as scary as it is, it is my only hope.