Notes on Heartbreak

Two months since the arguably the worst day of my life (so far). I haven't written in awhile because I'm trying not to dwell too much or get too deep into my emotions recently. I've been trying to focus on me, and less on him and the idea of 'us'. I know how hard it would be to ever get back the 'us' that we lost.I have began to see the positives, the silver lining. It was, perhaps, a blessing in disguise. I'm going to college in two and a half months and to go with attachments would only make the process harder. Our relationship's demise was inevitable within the four years to come. Each week gets a little easier, and I become a little more used to not being with him. I now know that by the end of summer I will be in a much better state, never fully recovered, but ready to be independent. I know that you have to hurt to grow. It's only been two months but I know so much about myself. I know I am strong, even when I break down. I know that, in reality, I do not need anyone but myself. I may want people in my life but I do not need them. I know that time can change us, that nothing is ever guaranteed and nothing can stay the same forever as long as time as a concept exists. More than anything, I know that I'm going to be ok no matter the eventual outcome. Some days are easier than others. There is not a day that I do not miss him or think of him. I am sad every day but I am also happy every day. It's my choice to decide which I will be in each moment. The hardest part is memory. As more time passes, I reminisce on the past more and more. I remember small obscure memories, picking up tiny details. I wish I had appreciated them at the time, that I had not taken even a moment for granted. I'm torn. On one hand, I still want him back, I still miss him, and I'm still sad. On the other hand, I have faced reality, I know what I must do to move forward, and I know that it is for the best. It's an ongoing battle between my head and my heart. People say to follow your heart, but in this case I am convinced that that path will only destroy me. Two months later and I am exactly where I was before, but not. I am mentally tougher and healthier. I have learned to cope, to understand, and to find the good. But I still love him, I still miss him, I'm still stuck at this stand still... waiting.