Notes on Heartbreak

Here's the thing: it doesn't get easier unless you let it. Time cannot heal the wound that you continuously pick at and reopen. You must learn to stop being your own worst enemy, the source of your own unhappiness and anxiety, the one person holding you back from happiness. Its hard, that sudden change in your current reality, I get that. It takes time to begin to associate newfound characteristics with a person you thought you knew better than the back of your hand. They were once your source of happiness and constant laughter so obviously you believe that it will always be that way, but things change and life doesn't stop for anyone. When that person begins to make you more anxious than happy with just one conversation, they are no longer worth your time and energy. That second of happiness from their recognition is not worth the painful time you will later spend agonizing over what is to come. That second of sadness, however, is worth the long term happiness you will feel by cutting them off. Do all the things you are scared of doing: unfollow them on social medias, do not reach out to them, let them slip away, block out all and every thought that tries to enter your head, disassociate, stop keeping tabs on them, let them go...

I tried everything, and if you've been reading my back and forth journals over the course of these five months you know Ive been more than unsure of what to do. That sudden impossible decision stood in front of me since that night in April. For weeks I thought of nothing but him coming back. As soon as I began to let this idea go, he came back. Yes, life changes constantly and I don't know what will come next for me, but I know what I want today and right now. I want to be happy on my own, alone, and independent. I want to move forward and I can only do so by letting go of the weight that holds me back. I want my next chapter but I cannot get to that point if Im still stuck in my previous one. I don't hate him, I don't have bitter feelings towards him or even our relationship. I still hold the belief that whats meant to be will be and that could mean one day we try again, but if its truly meant to be then its not something I need to "preserve" nor force now. My happiness is my main priority from here on out, long term and genuine happiness not that second of euphoria that comes from opening a five second snap chat. I know what I deserve and its better than what I have been accepting. I know I will get it one day but I also know it doesn't need to be any day soon. I get stronger each day. I heal more and more each day. As long as I let myself, there is nothing stopping me.