Notes on Heartbreak

8 months and 5 days; that's how long it's taken me to get over you. That's not even entirely true- that is how long it has taken me so far. But goddamnit I can only hope it doesn't take me another 8 months and 5 days. I'm so close, I can feel it with each passing day. I feel it every time something great happens to me here and I feel so beyond fulfilled as a person. I feel it every time I realize my own worth, how much I deserve. I feel it in the panic and anxiety that talking to you brings me, needless to say that's not how it should be. When I texted you and you never responded: you should know I felt relief. That, is how you know its over, completely different from where we began.

I'm scared to write this. At this point I have so many feelings and thoughts and wonders and its overwhelming to try to capture them all. But at this point I don't think it truly matters anymore- because what matters now is the simple fact: this is goodbye. I'm going back home tomorrow and this time it wont be for you and it wont be to you or with you or have anything at all to do with you. I no longer want any hope inside of me for us in the future. I deleted everything. I can no longer wait for your snap chat or text, I no longer want to. It will be a process to eliminate it from my heart and mind but its more than worth it. I just want you out of my head, I want to be rid of you forever and it sucks that it has to be this way- that we cant be friends or acquantainces but I think we both knew that would never work. Atleast not now. You arent the person I knew before, you are immensely different.

You found someone else. Thats fine. It's funny, when I knew that you and the first girl were nothing it still drove me crazy, but now I can feel how different this one is and yet I feel nothing. I am relieved. I feel free; free of hope, free of expectations. I finally feel myself letting go. I feel myself growing stronger and I finally feel how strong I have become. I really hope you find happiness. No matter what I cannot find anger or hatred within me. I dont hate this girl, I didnt even hate the last one. Its something I have no control over, something I could never hope to change. I nothing it. I feel emptiness at the thought of it. It is simply a fact of life, like the weather or the time of day, it is there but it holds little significance to my life. I hope you find maturity. I hope that you can look at me at a party without grimacing or manage to say hello in a way that reflects everything we went through together. Despite your attempts you cannot pretend it didnt happen, you cannot pretend we werent inlove. Trust me, I have tried desperately to no avail. It does not go away- the memories. They dont disappear into thin air, they still happened, it all happened. We loved and we laughed and yes that sounds so cheesy but those were some of the greatest moments of my life so far and I will always have them. I know you will also. So god help me, I know you wont see this but dont act like I dont exist when you see me. It discredits what we had- the 18 months that we had and that we cherish- and makes it nothing, makes its worthless.

At one point you were my everything. Now I am my everything. I enjoy being alone; eating alone, walking alone, improving myself, bettering myself, fulfilling myself. I'm scared; scared of the future, deathly afraid of the past, of you, of her, of us, of myself. What if I am unable to ever truly move on? You plague my thoughts like a ghost and my heart like a disease. I know that I need to purge myself of you but I don't know how, I dont think theres any full proof method. Time I suppose, is often suggested. But as humans we dont have much time.. I dont have time to waste on you anymore or crying over you or thinking of you or reminiscing on things that just make my heart ache and my knees weak. They also suggest finding someone new, someone to project your old feelings onto. They say its often full proof, makes the transition easier. But see that's another thing I am afraid of. Because I can't do that again. I have been coming to terms recently with the fact that I am now hard, cold, and indifferent to love. I say that I want someone because I don't like being lonely, but I think, subconsciously, that I wont allow myself to do that again. Atleast, I don't see it happening. It just so happens that love fucked me over, more than any drug or disorder could. It broke me, and while I am in the process of rebuilding I do not think I will ever have that whole again. I can never be that wild, independent, naive girl that I once was. You took that from me and love took that from me because now I know too much and remember too much and feel too much and it wont go away long enough to be the person I used to adore. I fucking loved who I was. Im starting to love her again but its a different person now, a different version- we just met, Im still getting to know her. And now Im a cynic. And now I know it never lasts, who you are at any given moment or who you are with. Life is short and its unfair and its rough and deceiving and it takes and takes and takes until you have nothing left. So when they say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all I would have to disagree. Because when you love, you lose everything and thats not a path I would willingly ever choose again. So kutos to you for getting passed this cynism that I have encountered. Congrats on starting over with her, with yourself. That's really great.

And so I am ranting. I realize this is one big run on sentence with no punctuation but man, thats fucking life. It keeps going and going until it abruptly and awkardly stops. And then you pick back up again. Honestly, I am just trying to vent and purge because this is it. This is me saying goodbye and letting go and being done and starting over and moving on. This is me doing what everyone has been begging me to do for 8 months and five fucking days: put it behind me. You are my past. I am now your past. She is your future. I am my own future.