Sequel: Everything After ›
Status: Life in Progress
Notes on Heartbreak
Right now
Right now I am wishing I was talking to you. My phone is off do not disturb and I am constantly hoping it will vibrate, your name lighting up the screen. I am waiting for a text that I know will not come. Right now I am checking your instagram to make sure that you haven't deleted our old pictures. I know that you took my name out, but to erase our memories, to pretend we never existed, never loved each other, that would be a new level of hurt. Right now I am stalking your twitter- what you tweet, who you tweet, what you favorite. It's remarkably sad, the fact that I must now follow your life through social media.
Every day in school I see you. I want to talk to you, to walk with you, to squeeze your arm and wish I could kiss you right there in the hall way in front of every one. I can smell you whenever you're near. Its your aftershave, the fact that you're actually still shaving also sending a pang in my chest. God you smell good. I wish you would get a fucking hair cut. Something of a deranged bowl cut variety would surely lighten my mood and deter my longing for a moment. I just want to know you are mine again. You fill my every thought- its emotionally and mentally taxing.
On one hand, I hate you. You threw it all away. You have to understand that I have been in your shoes before. I have been the one doing the breaking up and you have been the one begging for me to stay. God its so fucking easy to over think when you're in the position of power."We fight to much", "we won't be home this summer", "college is coming soon" are all thoughts that have run through my head just the same as yours. Trust me, I have tried to use them as excuses myself to justify ending us. Do you know what stopped me every time? Do you know why I could never leave you, why I always stayed, why I still will always stay? You are my happiness. You are the beginning and ending to my day. You were the one thing I could always rely on to remain the same. You are my very best friend. You don't just throw that away- not for anything conventional, overrated... fixable. If I knew I could be with you only one week this summer AND I knew that afterwards I would be going to college AND I was told that there was a high chance we would fight for 4 of the 7 days, I would take it in a heartbeat. I would rather be with you every chance I can salvage, then not at all. I would rather be fighting with you constantly then ignoring you and pretending I don't see you, that I don't love you. Do not tell me that it's for the best. The best for who? If its the best for you, if you havent been miserable this week, if you havent missed me tremendously, then I understand. But it is by no means the best thing for me. BY NO MEANS. This has been the worst week of my life. I need several people to keep me from texting you. I want to cry every second. There is no way in hell that I can make it through this year going about life like this, without you.
On the other hand, I understand. I was horrible to you. I picked every possible thing to fight with you about. Why? I have no idea. I hate myself more than I could ever hate you. I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pushed away the greatest love of my life to the point where he would never come back. I understand you feel that you owe it to yourself, that you have something to prove. I am truly sorry, I dont think I can ever really apologize for everything. I still love you with every fiber of my being. I will still hope every day, with each second of the clock and each thought of you that passes through my head, that you will change your mind.
Every day in school I see you. I want to talk to you, to walk with you, to squeeze your arm and wish I could kiss you right there in the hall way in front of every one. I can smell you whenever you're near. Its your aftershave, the fact that you're actually still shaving also sending a pang in my chest. God you smell good. I wish you would get a fucking hair cut. Something of a deranged bowl cut variety would surely lighten my mood and deter my longing for a moment. I just want to know you are mine again. You fill my every thought- its emotionally and mentally taxing.
On one hand, I hate you. You threw it all away. You have to understand that I have been in your shoes before. I have been the one doing the breaking up and you have been the one begging for me to stay. God its so fucking easy to over think when you're in the position of power."We fight to much", "we won't be home this summer", "college is coming soon" are all thoughts that have run through my head just the same as yours. Trust me, I have tried to use them as excuses myself to justify ending us. Do you know what stopped me every time? Do you know why I could never leave you, why I always stayed, why I still will always stay? You are my happiness. You are the beginning and ending to my day. You were the one thing I could always rely on to remain the same. You are my very best friend. You don't just throw that away- not for anything conventional, overrated... fixable. If I knew I could be with you only one week this summer AND I knew that afterwards I would be going to college AND I was told that there was a high chance we would fight for 4 of the 7 days, I would take it in a heartbeat. I would rather be with you every chance I can salvage, then not at all. I would rather be fighting with you constantly then ignoring you and pretending I don't see you, that I don't love you. Do not tell me that it's for the best. The best for who? If its the best for you, if you havent been miserable this week, if you havent missed me tremendously, then I understand. But it is by no means the best thing for me. BY NO MEANS. This has been the worst week of my life. I need several people to keep me from texting you. I want to cry every second. There is no way in hell that I can make it through this year going about life like this, without you.
On the other hand, I understand. I was horrible to you. I picked every possible thing to fight with you about. Why? I have no idea. I hate myself more than I could ever hate you. I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. I pushed away the greatest love of my life to the point where he would never come back. I understand you feel that you owe it to yourself, that you have something to prove. I am truly sorry, I dont think I can ever really apologize for everything. I still love you with every fiber of my being. I will still hope every day, with each second of the clock and each thought of you that passes through my head, that you will change your mind.