Notes on Heartbreak

The old you stroked my hair.
The old you let me lay my head on your chest, my hands constantly running across your face, your neck, your lips. I could never keep still, even as you slept.
The old you would kiss the top of my head, so innocent yet so meaningful to me you have no idea.
The old you would look into my eyes, a look I came to associate with your leaning motion as you came in to kiss me on the lips.
The old you held my hand while we rode in the car or lightly rested it on my leg. I miss your soft touch, the tremendous love behind each of your motions.
The old you let me cry into your chest about the future.
The old you told me that we had a future together, that we would make the distance.
The old you held me in his arms, as I slept, or cried, or as we watched a movie, or as I simply smiled to myself.
The old you smiled at me from across the hallway, winking at me as you passed me. I used to hate it but now I crave it.
The old you sent me good morning and good nights texts, starting each and every one of my days off with a smile.
The old you was the first person I told everything to, the only person I really ever truly needed.
The old you called me "babe" and "baby".
The old you called me beautiful and cute and hot, even when I was wearing my glasses with a sweatshirt at school.
The old you came up behind me, arms pulling me into a trap I didn't want to ever be released from.
The old you made me feel safe, loved, untouchable.
The old you would never hurt me, would never make me cry.
The old you would break with every tear that I shed. Remember when we were fighting but the second you saw me crying over video chat your concern overruled your anger? Remember when you cried just from watching me cry? I don't know, do you remember any of it?
The old you cried to me. The old you confided in me more than any other person in his life.
The old you let me run my fingers through his hair, catching his tears, trying to kiss away his pain.
The old you stuck his tongue out at me, the cutest face I've ever seen.
The old you took my sayings, and I took his. We swapped "rad" and "debate" and trademark emojis.
The old you loved me unconditionally. I honestly never thought he would stop. That much love can't just disappear, or so I thought.
But you're not the old you anymore. Somewhere along the way, the old you snapped. Maybe I broke you, but maybe you broke yourself also.
I dont know if its salvagable, the old you. Maybe he's too far gone, maybe he's never coming back.
Let me know if you find him.