Photographs

Normal kids grow up with a loving family. Mom and dad happily married and raising their kids. I never got that in my life growing up. I was born on a rainy day back in 1995 in a small hospital just outside of Orange County, California.

I don’t know much else about the day I was born but from all the research I can find online about Orange County back on my date of birth in 1995 it was raining. I don’t remember actually growing up with a mom and dad all the memories I have from younger childhood were of the big halls and rooms full of beds four to five to a room. I remember the care takers having the older kids doing their chores and once a week they’d dress us up in these cute clothes and parade us out for a family who wanted a child.

Since I was a rowdy little child I never got picked I’d always do something bad as the care takers said. I did bad things so nobody would want to adopt me. One time stood out, I was 4 years old wearing this pink sun dress waiting for the family to walk into my room I got bored while waiting. One of the older girls who slept in the same room with me left her markers open so I took it upon myself to color the pink dress black and green.

I was generally happy from the time I was a little baby until the time I was 10, once I understood where I was and why I was there I kind of lost the happiness. I realized at the ripe age of 10 years old that I was in an orphanage. I went to a public school that only really had children who had no families but the few who did have families liked to pick on us orphans.

I never felt like an orphan even when I was being picked on for not having a mommy or a daddy. I was 12 when the care taker caught me snooping through her files, she wouldn’t admit it but she caught me. I always went through my file to see what people said about me.

I found the envelope that had the pictures and the letter. Two photographs old Polaroid pictures of a man and a woman, the front white label area read Maggie ’93, Jimmy ’94. The names were scribbled down on the paper in different hand writings. One was very chicken scratch barely readable and the other was female gentle and swirly.

I kept those pictures so close it hurt, I never took the time to read the letter until I turned 18. Which was today. I was turning 18 and being sent out into the world with everything the caretakers taught me I’d be able to live by myself. I learned in my 18 years in the orphanage to care for myself. I took my favorite seat in the window of the room I’d lived in for 18 years and opened the letter again.

The front of the envelope read. “To my little Angel.”

I want you to know first my darling. Everything I’ve done was for you, I made horrible choices in my life and I wanted to make sure you’d never end up like I did. My name is Maggie, I’m your mother well your birth mother I’m sure by the time you read this you’ll have a mother who can care for you better than I can.

I picked my favorite pictures of your father and I. We were so young and in love when you surprised us, your father was only 15 and I was a few months away from turning 15. We were still children when we found out about me being pregnant. We were toxic and trouble but so in love my love, I want you to know that story and yours. How much of an impact you made on my life.

The hardest thing I’ve ever done is making the choice to not be your mother. I wasn’t mature enough to raise you and my parents your granny and grandpa didn’t want to raise you for us, I’m watching you sleeping peacefully in the hospital’s baby cradle.

You have a tiny pink hat on that has a bow, your daddy stole that from the mall a few weeks ago you look like an angel but I refuse to hold you. It will make letting go of you harder. I just need you to know baby that even if I’m not your mother I will always love you.

I looked at the paper in my shaking hands and looked as the ink smeared with the tears that hit the page. I flipped it over and saw different hand writing the chicken scratch from the picture of my mother Maggie.

Hi, I’m no good at writing so I hope you can read this letter from me, your mom is sleeping right now and I’m staring at you through the glass of the nursery tomorrow you’re going home with the care taker we chose for you. Your mom doesn’t know but I’m putting these photographs in here so you can know me, uh…maybe come find me when you read this.

My name is James Owen Sullivan, I live in Riverside California right now, but I don’t know where I’ll be in the future, your mom would be so mad at me for giving you my name and hometown. I want to see what a beautiful girl you’ll grow up to be if your family allows it.

I love you Sarah, you’ll always be my little girl.

Love, your parents. Maggie and Jimmy

You could see the rips from me ripping the two pictures that were taped to the page off, I pulled them out of my pocket and wiped my cheeks. I was going to go to riverside California and find him. Meet him I wanted to hear my story their story.

“Sarah!” I heard the high pitched voice of one of my roommates I smiled and stood from my seat hugging her tightly.

“I thought you’d be gone by now!” She said in her cute little voice, I smiled and shook my head, “Nope kiddo I wouldn’t leave without seeing your face before I left my sweet.” I told her seeing her smile made me happy.

“My forever home came to see me again and sign more papers!” the sweet little girl said, I couldn’t help but to smile wider she was a 5 year old little girl who was dropped here when she was only a few hours old in a cliché basket no name. I was the one who brought her in and got her all settled.

“Will I see you again Sarah?” She asked I looked at her and nodded my head. “Of course you will Millie, I’ll never be too far away to see my favorite little munchkin.”

I inhaled and stood up I grabbed the stuffed bear I had won at the only carnival I’d ever gone to with a family who thought they wanted me but then changed their mind, I held it out to Millie, “take this with you, when you get sad or miss me just hug it.”

I saw the tears in the little girl’s eyes I shook my head and wiped her cheeks gently. “Don’t cry, I’m moving out and getting a job, you’re moving out and getting a mommy and daddy.” I told her and kissed her head smiling. “Go play…I’ll be sure to say bye before I leave for good.”

Watching her run off I finished packing the two bags I had, I slowly walked down the stairs of the old home and set the bags outside the caretakers office, “Alright, I’m all packed and ready to sign my papers.”

“Oh Sarah, do come in please,” Said the old care taker woman, I smiled and walked in sitting in the seats parents and children who never get adopted have to sit in when they sign their papers.

“Sarah, darling Sarah. I can’t help but feel awful we never did find you a family. I’m just so proud that you’ve kept your head on straight did your schooling and are willing to make a life for yourself.” She said to me, I gave her a sweet smile as I leaned forward and signed my release papers.

“You didn’t fail me, I was just a difficult child, besides I have a family.” I told her like I had many times before. “I have a mom and dad, Maggie and Jimmy.” I said to her and stood up.

"So, What exactly do you plan on doing once you get there? All you have are few photographs and a letter." She said to me as I stood up I smiled politely at her and then my smile fell as I got serious and looked at her.

"I'm following their story. I want to know why they gave me up. That’s it, I just want to know why, where they came from and where they are now even if they don't want me." I told her and rubbed my neck.

“If I don’t find what I want, I leave and get a job, settle down and accept the fact that nobody on this earth wants me.” I told her and looked at her, “I have the letter and the photographs.” I told her.

“Are you sure that’s enough?” She said to me and I smiled sweetly. “God I hope so...” I told her and walked out grabbing my bags I turned to Millie and smiled seeing her holding the bear.

“Take good care of that, I’ll be checking in on you once you’re home with your mommy and daddy Millie.” I told her and hugged her tightly smiling widely.

I was being optimistic for her I knew that I’d never see her again but she had a bear that she could keep and remember me by since she was practically my child I was her guardian and care taker for her whole five years.

I kissed the top of her head and walked out of the orphanage waving bye to the other kids I turned on my heels and took the money I’d saved up to get myself a bus ticket to Orange County.