Photographs

The morning came quickly for me I woke up in a strange room I’d never been in before I was so confused as to where I was for the first few seconds I was awake. Then I remembered Angie and her husband being kind enough to let me stay the night at their home.

“Good morning, how’d you sleep Sarah?” Angie asked when I walked downstairs I set my bags down by the front door and walked into her dining room it smelled good like pancakes, fruit and sausage.

“Dig in, then I’ll take you to Huntington Beach and help you look for your parents.” Angie said to me. I sat down beside her and smiled.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course you can,” She said to me smiling as she handed me a plate of food.

“I was worried about coming here to your home. I thought that I’d come here and be hated and just feel so out of place.” I said to her clearing my throat. “I saw how a family should be, you have a wonderful family and I wish one day to have that too.” I told her honestly and sat up straight.

“Oh Sarah, That’s so sweet of you to say and I’m glad we made you feel welcome in our home. You’ll always be welcomed in my home. When I first saw you I knew there was something familiar about you. You look exactly like your mother but you have your dad’s eyes.”

I cracked a smile at her comment about my looks.

It was nice knowing I at least resembled my parents in the slightest. I knew I looked like my mother but in the picture of her I never could see her eyes or my fathers for that fact.

After breakfast I put my luggage in Angie’s car and buckled up after I had said my goodbye’s to her wonderful family I sat back in the seat and looked at Angie.

“I can tell you so many stories about your mother from when we were younger.” Angie said once we were on the highway and stuck in traffic. “One time your mother and I snuck out of the house after midnight to sit in an old field and watch airplanes land on the military base we lived really close too.”

I smiled at Angie’s stories I learned so much in our trip to Huntington Beach about my mother.

From the stories my mother was a nice girl, down to earth, with a liking for bad boys which I’m assuming my father was.

I looked out of the window as we pulled up at a house I looked around, “Where are we?” I asked softly and got out with her following her up the steps of the home I stood behind her as she knocked on the door.

Was this the moment? Was this my mother’s home? Could this possibly be the moment I’d been waiting for? 18 years of life come to an end? No... It wasn’t.

My blue eyes met those of an older man, looked to be in his late 60’s maybe 70’s. “Angie? Angie Harmon is that you?” the old man asked Angie.

“Yes it’s me, I’m here looking for Maggie, can you tell me her address I seem to have lost it.” Angie said smiling back at me.

“I have someone who wants to meet her.” Angie said.

I was worried as the old man stared at me for the longest time. I looked at him and bit my lip gently looking down at the ground to break the gaze.

“I know exactly who she is.” The man said; I held my breath sighing gently as I looked at him. I was waiting for the worst possible response from him. “You’re my granddaughter, Sarah.” He said to me and smiled.

I looked at him nervously as I spoke my voice barely above a whisper. “Yes, Sir that’s me.” I saw him stretch his hand out to me I slowly took hold of his hand and shook it before he pulled me into a hug.

“Oh, you look just like your mother at this age.” He said as he squeezed my body into his.

I hugged him tightly and took in his scent he smelled of aged scotch, cigars and old spice. I looked up at him with the strangest look I could pull.

“If you know who I am, why didn’t anyone ever come get me?” I asked quietly it was a question I’d been wanting to ask since as long as I could remember.

“By law we weren’t allowed to come get you, but we did send you things, like that there back pack is from me and your granny.” He said; his voice was smooth but aged like he’d seen things but kept his cool.

I nodded my head in understanding I looked at the bag over my shoulder. “You got me this?” I asked and smiled “I use it for everything.”

“Good I’m glad you got use of it, how about that teddy bear did you get that for your birthday? That was from your mom.” He said; I felt my heart drop but I smiled.

“I actually don’t have the bear any longer I gave it to another orphan who I practically raised.” I told him and saw the biggest smile spreading onto his lips.

“You’re just like your mom.” He said to me.

You know I’d been hearing an awful lot of that since I got into California. You look like your mother, you act like your mother, and you’re just like her. I knew that wasn’t true because I’d never give up a child.

“Where is my mother?” I asked; instantly regretting that question as I saw the sadness spread onto his face. I followed him into his nice home as he sat me and Angie down on a couch. Oh no...

Every time someone sat me up and braced me against a surface I could collapse on it was bad news. News I knew I didn’t want to hear but would hear it anyways.

“Sarah, your mother loved you but she couldn’t take care of you. I don’t know if anyone ever told you anything about her.” He said I was answering everything he asked me in my head as he said that I sarcastically replied Nobody’s giving me straight answers

“She had you at a very young age, then she went into a depression because she realized after it was too late that she didn’t want to lose you but you were already gone.” He said grabbing a picture frame handing it to me. I looked down at the picture it looked sort of like mine but I could see the woman clearly.

“She got sick not long after that, I think you may have been 3 or 4.” He said; I stared at the picture of the woman who had dyed blonde hair and the same face as mine. “She found out about cervical cancer.”

I felt my heart throb as the tears built up in my eyes looking at the picture.

“She fought hard to stay here but when the orphanage called and said you’d been adopted she gave up fighting and let go. We buried her a few months ago.” He said; I looked at him my face showing shock and hurt.

“They told you I was adopted?” I asked crying out; I choked on the sob I’d been holding back I set the picture down and looked at him pulling out the paper work I just signed the other day.

“I was never adopted, I turned 18 and they kicked me out of the orphanage.” I said sadly looking down at the picture on the coffee table. I could hear the hurt and anger in my grandfather’s voice as he threatened legal actions.

I stayed sat on his couch with tears pouring out of my eyes I clung tightly to the picture of my mother. I got more insight into her life from picture albums and baby books of my mother I saw her life in pictures.

I saw more pictures of her and my father I pointed at his picture. “Do you know where he is?”

“uhm, I might have an address and phone number for him.” My grandpa said and grabbed his old rolodex of phone numbers and addresses.

I took the small white card into my hand and ran my thumb over it, “Sarah, I want you to stay here.” My grandpa said looking at me.

I looked at Angie and smiled as I walked out to her car and got my bags knowing my grandpa would help me find my dad so I wouldn’t have to keep Angie from her family. As we walked out to the car I looked at Angie.

“You knew my mother was dead didn’t you?” I asked looking at her.

“Sadly, yes I did. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you and have you run off and get hurt. I wanted to bring you to your grandpa so I knew you’d be safe.” Angie said to me and looked down. “Please don’t be mad at me.” I sighed and hugged her tightly, “Thank you for bringing me to my grandpa, and bringing me one step closer to my dad.”

“You’re welcome honey.” Angie said and hugged me once more before hugging my grandpa and leaving me there with him.

I turned on my heels and walked inside looking at my grandpa it was silent. Not awkward or calming just silent for a few moments I felt as if I could hear a butterflies wings.

“Your mother regretted giving you up Sarah.” My grandpa told me; I looked over at him as he broke the silence in the house. I nodded my head slowly unable to come up with a response for him. Right now my mind was flooded with thoughts of what ifs and why’s. Why did this have to happen now of all times when I wanted to come find my parents.

Why did the orphanage tell my family I had been adopted?

“Will you please speak to me Sarah?” My grandpa said.

“I’d love to speak properly but I’m just so confused right now. My whole life I spent in that orphanage wanting my mom and dad to come for me. Every time a family would look at me I’d do something to mess it up because they weren’t my mom and dad.” I told him and shook my head sadly. “I just wanted to have a family that loved me, I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I thought that by coming here I’d be able to meet my mom and dad. I thought they’d tell me that they loved me and it was a mistake. I never even got to meet her.”

“Now that’s not true,” My grandpa said and got up he grabbed a small blue photo album and held it out to me. “She kept this so close to her go on, look in it.”

I took the photo album from his hands and flipped open the first page my eyes scanned the writing on the first sheet of photo paper. “My angel,” in her handwriting I sighed and flipped slowly through the pages.

It was her, Jimmy, her pregnancy with me. The last four pictures were of her holding me, him holding me and one family picture. I looked closely at the picture of us as a family and the tears just fell freely from my eyes. I felt arms around me as I started to cry I could see through the picture the sadness in my parent’s eyes.

“Why didn’t you stop them?” I asked looking at my grandpa.

“It wasn’t my choice, it was your mothers. Part of me knew she didn’t want to give you up, but your grandma filled her head with lies and she gave you up. She cried all the time over you, she begged for someone to take her to Seattle to see you but your grandma wouldn’t let her.” He told me

“By the time your mother turned 18 and she could legally make her own choices, the orphanage said you had been adopted. Then she got sick, Things just happened Sarah but she did love you so much.” He said as he rubbed my back; I let more tears fall as I heard what my grandma had done.

I wanted to be devastated and heartbroken over losing my mother but I just couldn’t. I mean yes I was crying but I wasn’t that sad I was, disappointed cause I couldn’t meet her but, I wasn’t sad. Why couldn’t I be sad?