Nebulous
Meeting
It’s funny how you can think your life is supposed to be one way, and then suddenly it’s going in a completely different direction.
Only, Lila wasn’t laughing.
Instead, she felt like she was barely getting by. Just going through the motions. Evan, blog, parents, therapist, repeat. All in different combinations in a never-ending cycle, all combining to be a failed attempt at returning her life back to how it was before.
She was sleepwalking through life now with nothing there to put her back to bed. She was restless, on the edge of waking up but there was nothing there to push her over.
In her actual sleep, she started welcoming the nightmares.
The stranger there, with the kind blue eyes, trying to protect her, trying to giver her warmth. She would wake from these dreams crying, wishing to be asleep once more. In sleep she felt understood. He knew what she was going through. He knew what was going on. She didn’t feel so hopelessly alone in her dreams.
It didn’t take long for Lila to be sure that these dreams were more than just dreams. She couldn’t get the idea out of her head that these nightmares she had were the missing memories of the past six months.
Dr. Summers just thought she was trying to seek answers from anything she could find that made the most sense. But Dr. Summers didn’t understand. She didn’t truly know Lila’s dreams, didn’t know how they felt.
They were the realest things Lila had felt since she had returned.
And Evan, he tried so hard to understand, but Lila knew that he didn’t either. She knew he was just trying to back into her good graces again. Trying to make up for his past mistakes so that they could move forward together. But what Lila knew, that Evan would never grasp, was that there was no more “them.”
Maybe if the circumstances were different, but they weren’t. Everything had changed for Lila, and Evan was only good for a distraction, for warmth she couldn’t find on her own.
Her life was in pieces and she couldn’t help but sense an impending doom.
---
She stopped going to see Dr. Summers. She didn’t tell anyone, not even Dr. Summers. She just didn’t show up to her latest appointment, instead driving by the office and going to a diner in town.
She ordered a coffee and sat contentedly drinking it, staring out the window at all the people going on with their lives.
They were lucky, she thought. Even if their lives weren’t great, they could probably easily pinpoint where their problems stemmed from. She continued to watch people and drink her coffee until a car parked by the curb in front of her window. She turned to the waitress who had just arrived and paid her bill, getting up to leave.
Car doors opened and closed as she left the diner, heading to her own car. She didn’t notice the man watching her.
---
She went to Evan’s apartment next and was glad to see that he was home from work. He let her up and as soon as she saw him she pushed him into his apartment, pressing herself close to him, her lips on his. A clash of hot and cold. She was always so cold.
He pushed her away gently.
“Hey, slow down there,” he said, smiling at her. She shook her head.
“I’ve been wanting to do this all day,” she responded, leaning forward to try and kiss him again, but he pulled back again.
“How was Dr. Summers?” he asked. He knew. He knew Lila hadn’t gone to her apartment. She sighed and stepped back, crossing her arms.
“Were you following me today?” she was angry now.
“No!”
“Then how do you know I didn’t go see her today?” Lila questioned. Evan sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“Dr. Summers called your mom, who called me,” he answered. “Why didn’t you go today?”
“I don’t want to see her anymore,” Lila said.
“Why?”
“Because she doesn’t understand!” Lila yelled, suddenly. “No one fucking understands me!”
“That’s not true,” Evan said quietly, stepping toward her.
“It is true,” Lila said. “Don’t try and tell me that you know exactly what I’m going through because you don’t. And talking about it with people who don’t understand is not helping.”
“You don’t even know what you’ve gone through,” he said.
“I know,” she responded. “But I know I’ve gone through something. I know I have dreams that feel so vividly real. I know that I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. But everyone wants to tell me that my dreams are just dreams and that I have lots of people that care about me. There’s no one who really knows how I feel, though, no matter how much I try to explain it. And I’m tired. I’m so tired of having to spell it out for people and getting nowhere.”
“I know you’re going through a lot,” Evan said. “But you need to let people in more. I’m trying so hard to understand when you tell me these things. What more can I do, Lila?”
She laughed humorlessly.
“That’s the thing,” she said. “You’ll never understand. No matter how hard you try.”
They were quiet, Evan trying to find the right words to see and Lila with nothing left to say.
Finally, Lila stepped forward, reaching for Evan’s hand. He took it and looked at her. She forced a smile and leaned forward, placing her lips on his cheek in a soft kiss.
“Thank you for trying,” she whispered against his skin. “It’s just not enough.”
She let go of his hand. She left.
When she got down to the sidewalk, moving towards her car, another car door opened nearby.
“Excuse me?”
She kept walking, not hearing the voice or the footsteps coming up behind her. She stopped at her car to dig her car keys out of her jacket pocket. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned around, meeting the gaze of familiar blue eyes.
Only, Lila wasn’t laughing.
Instead, she felt like she was barely getting by. Just going through the motions. Evan, blog, parents, therapist, repeat. All in different combinations in a never-ending cycle, all combining to be a failed attempt at returning her life back to how it was before.
She was sleepwalking through life now with nothing there to put her back to bed. She was restless, on the edge of waking up but there was nothing there to push her over.
In her actual sleep, she started welcoming the nightmares.
The stranger there, with the kind blue eyes, trying to protect her, trying to giver her warmth. She would wake from these dreams crying, wishing to be asleep once more. In sleep she felt understood. He knew what she was going through. He knew what was going on. She didn’t feel so hopelessly alone in her dreams.
It didn’t take long for Lila to be sure that these dreams were more than just dreams. She couldn’t get the idea out of her head that these nightmares she had were the missing memories of the past six months.
Dr. Summers just thought she was trying to seek answers from anything she could find that made the most sense. But Dr. Summers didn’t understand. She didn’t truly know Lila’s dreams, didn’t know how they felt.
They were the realest things Lila had felt since she had returned.
And Evan, he tried so hard to understand, but Lila knew that he didn’t either. She knew he was just trying to back into her good graces again. Trying to make up for his past mistakes so that they could move forward together. But what Lila knew, that Evan would never grasp, was that there was no more “them.”
Maybe if the circumstances were different, but they weren’t. Everything had changed for Lila, and Evan was only good for a distraction, for warmth she couldn’t find on her own.
Her life was in pieces and she couldn’t help but sense an impending doom.
---
She stopped going to see Dr. Summers. She didn’t tell anyone, not even Dr. Summers. She just didn’t show up to her latest appointment, instead driving by the office and going to a diner in town.
She ordered a coffee and sat contentedly drinking it, staring out the window at all the people going on with their lives.
They were lucky, she thought. Even if their lives weren’t great, they could probably easily pinpoint where their problems stemmed from. She continued to watch people and drink her coffee until a car parked by the curb in front of her window. She turned to the waitress who had just arrived and paid her bill, getting up to leave.
Car doors opened and closed as she left the diner, heading to her own car. She didn’t notice the man watching her.
---
She went to Evan’s apartment next and was glad to see that he was home from work. He let her up and as soon as she saw him she pushed him into his apartment, pressing herself close to him, her lips on his. A clash of hot and cold. She was always so cold.
He pushed her away gently.
“Hey, slow down there,” he said, smiling at her. She shook her head.
“I’ve been wanting to do this all day,” she responded, leaning forward to try and kiss him again, but he pulled back again.
“How was Dr. Summers?” he asked. He knew. He knew Lila hadn’t gone to her apartment. She sighed and stepped back, crossing her arms.
“Were you following me today?” she was angry now.
“No!”
“Then how do you know I didn’t go see her today?” Lila questioned. Evan sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“Dr. Summers called your mom, who called me,” he answered. “Why didn’t you go today?”
“I don’t want to see her anymore,” Lila said.
“Why?”
“Because she doesn’t understand!” Lila yelled, suddenly. “No one fucking understands me!”
“That’s not true,” Evan said quietly, stepping toward her.
“It is true,” Lila said. “Don’t try and tell me that you know exactly what I’m going through because you don’t. And talking about it with people who don’t understand is not helping.”
“You don’t even know what you’ve gone through,” he said.
“I know,” she responded. “But I know I’ve gone through something. I know I have dreams that feel so vividly real. I know that I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. But everyone wants to tell me that my dreams are just dreams and that I have lots of people that care about me. There’s no one who really knows how I feel, though, no matter how much I try to explain it. And I’m tired. I’m so tired of having to spell it out for people and getting nowhere.”
“I know you’re going through a lot,” Evan said. “But you need to let people in more. I’m trying so hard to understand when you tell me these things. What more can I do, Lila?”
She laughed humorlessly.
“That’s the thing,” she said. “You’ll never understand. No matter how hard you try.”
They were quiet, Evan trying to find the right words to see and Lila with nothing left to say.
Finally, Lila stepped forward, reaching for Evan’s hand. He took it and looked at her. She forced a smile and leaned forward, placing her lips on his cheek in a soft kiss.
“Thank you for trying,” she whispered against his skin. “It’s just not enough.”
She let go of his hand. She left.
When she got down to the sidewalk, moving towards her car, another car door opened nearby.
“Excuse me?”
She kept walking, not hearing the voice or the footsteps coming up behind her. She stopped at her car to dig her car keys out of her jacket pocket. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned around, meeting the gaze of familiar blue eyes.