Nebulous

Lila woke the next morning with a start, trying to grasp at the remnants of a dream that was quickly slipping away.

Something about it had felt real, like a memory, and it left her yearning to return. She felt suddenly that she was missing someone she didn’t know. She tried not to think about it.

Early morning sunlight was streaming through her window and falling on half-packed boxes in her room. She had been preparing to move out of her parents home, but she knew that after everything she would be here a while longer.

She could hear her mother singing in the kitchen, something that rarely happened, and Lila knew her mother was probably cooking a giant breakfast.

She thought it best to take a shower, prepare for her day of police questions she wouldn’t be able to answer, a doctor’s appointment that would prove useless, and people expressing joy over her return.

These thoughts made her limbs feel heavy as she climbed out of bed. It wasn’t until she was in the bathroom that she realized that on some level, she did feel different. She felt the silent creep of lethargy come over her, her senses felt dulled, almost numb. As her eyes glanced over the mirror she couldn’t help that she looked faded, like a shadow of herself. Her hair and eyes seemed darker, and the shadows cast over her face made her look older.

She exhaled slowly and turned to start the shower. She was sure she was just seeing things, feeling things that others expected her to acknowledge. She was supposed to feel different. She had gone for six months—there was no way she could have remained unchanged.

---

As she had suspected the trip to the police was useless. But thankfully due to her lack of memory, the police didn’t have many questions for her. The doctor took a little longer, with a physical examination and getting blood drawn. She was glad when she was told she could go home, the thought of crawling into her bed a happy one.

“Before you go,” the doctor said, smiling at her and handing her a business card. “I know that you don’t remember anything about what happened, but it might be helpful to see a therapist, just to talk about how you might be feeling. It’s a lot, to find out you’ve lost so much time.”

Lila glanced at the card before slipping it into her pocket.

“Thank you,” she said.

“I’ll call in a few days and let you know if we find anything from the tests,” the doctor said, running a hand through her hair. Lila nodded and went out into the waiting room where her mother was waiting.

“Well?” she asked, standing up and looking slightly anxious

“I’m fine, mom,” Lila said. “Really. The doctor said she’d call in a few days to let us know if anything comes up though.”

“Okay,” she answered. Her mother still looked worried as she followed her daughter out of the doctor’s office. “Do you want to get something to eat before we head home?”

“I’d rather just grab something at the house,” she replied, looking around the parking lot for her mother’s car. Thankfully there wasn’t anyone around.

The problem with living in a small town such as Andromeda, NY is that everyone knows everyone else’s business. Even though she hadn’t even been back 24 hours, she had felt eyes on her all day. Everyone knew she had been missing, so she was sure that the news was spreading like wildfire that she had returned.

This became evident when Evan showed up on her doorstep later that day. She had been in her room, looking at the half packed boxes wondering if she should just put take everything out and put it away. Moving out didn’t seem like an option right now.

“What are you doing here?” she asked her former boyfriend when she saw him sitting on the couch in the living room. He stood, smiling at her, a look of relief on his face.

“I heard you’d been found,” he said, stepping toward her, opening his arms to try and hug her. She took a step back and he faltered in his steps. “I was worried about you.”

“I think you should leave,” she said, anger sliding smoothly into her tone.

“Lila,” he said. “I thought you were dead. Can’t we just talk, like we used to? I care about you.”

She shook her head.

“I’m sorry that you’ve realized you actually care about me now,” she said. “But that doesn’t change what you’ve done. I know it’s been six months for you, but for me it’s only been a week since I found you in bed with your coworker. I want you to leave.”

“Please, Lila. I just want to talk,” he said.

“Please just leave,” she said. “I’ve got bigger things to deal with right now than you and me.”

“If that’s what you want,” he sighed, backing away from her. “I’m around if you need to talk.”

She watched him leave, feeling that anger disintegrate into sadness. Her life was complete shit now, it seemed. She’d lost the man she thought she loved, then not long after lost six months of her life. The wounds from her past were still open, making this transition even more difficult.

And she really wanted to talk to someone about all of this. But there was no one who would understand.