Sing Me to Sleep

'Remember when we used to sneak out at night and go sit in the park down on Thames street? We would climb out our bedroom windows and just sit under the night sky for hours. You told me you felt safe with me. You first told me you loved me at that park. You said it was stupid and naive but you loved me and you never wanted me to leave you. We had our first kiss underneath the stars and I wrote a fucking song for you because that's just the way I am. Six feet under the stars was always your favourite to play live because you knew it was about our love. Even when I was with Lisa, you'd smile and dance and be genuinely happy when we played it. I still love you, you know? A lot and I won't ever stop loving you. I've started using my earthtoalex website again. I've been explaining all the lyric that are about you to the fans. The fans miss you. We held a candlelit memorial at the park and thousands of people turned up. It was beautiful. You would have loved it so much. You've always loved candlelight. It was amazing baby.' Alex takes a deep breath before placing his hand on Jack's grave, 'I miss you. I miss you so much. We announced the bands break up yesterday. But we're releasing one more song... I wrote it for you. I-I want to sing it for you baby. We weren't sure whether to release it but we decided it was for the best. We needed to give the fans one last glimmer of hope. The profits are all going to a charity that helps suicidal people. I asked Zack to name it and he simply called it six feet under the stars, an angels version. He held me that entire night while I cried. You're my angel, Jay..' Alex takes a deep breath and looks up at the clouds before looking back to Jack's grave stone.
'Can you forgive me, baby, I didn't see, the pain I was causing, how selfish of me. I wish I told you, baby, how much I love you, I wish I held you, and carried you through.
But now you're gone, and I am haunted by what this once was, you left me alone, you're six feet under, gone.
I got mad sometimes, blamed you for imagined crimes. Now you're gone, and it just feels wrong, coz I'm alone, I'm alone, six feet under the stars.
I can still feel you, baby, your hearts on my sleeve, I miss you now darling, you're not next to me. I see your face, baby, I see your car in the drive, but you never get out, or come home at night.
But now you're gone, and I am haunted by what this once was, you left me alone, you're six feet under, gone.
I got mad sometimes, blamed you for imagined crimes. Now you're gone, and it just feels wrong, coz I'm alone, I'm alone, six feet under the stars.
No, no, it will never be true.
No, no, it's me without you.
No, no, this isn't right, because baby, you're not coming home tonight.
And now I sit here, darling, with a piece of your heart, we used to lay here darling, why did you part, I miss you darling, but you'll be with me, because we're under together, six feet under the stars.' Alex lets out a chokes sob as he falls against Jack's grave, the cool stone pressed to his forehead, 'Jacky, I miss you. I miss you so much. I messed up so much baby. Fuck, I ruined everything. I'm sorry Jay. I'm sorry.' Alex cries.
He sits at Jack's grave for another hour before getting up, not bothering to brush the dirt from his knees as he walks away solemnly.

Alex isn't Alex anymore.
The twinkle has left his eye.
The glow has disappeared from his skin.
His hair has lost it's shine.
His hands shake and his fingers feel numb.
There's always tears on his cheeks.
He doesn't smile anymore.
Jack took a part of Alex with him.
But the ring is still tight on his finger. He won't ever let that go.

--

They say love tears people apart.
When two people have this desperate need for one another, nothing can break them but themselves.
Things can get in the way though.
Things like lust, pain, heartbreak and jealousy.
Or love. Love will tear you apart.
Love will break you, and bend you, and change you.
Love is a brutal, cold, desperate war that you cannot win.
You will never win.
Love is torturous.
Love is painful.
Love is home.
Love is love, and you wouldn't have it any other way.
You have been broken, and bent, and crushed by an emotion.
A connection.
A reason to live.
Love opened your eyes to a world you felt safe in, but that very same world took it away. Dropped a knife blade into its heart.
Love is pain.
Love is hope.
Love is desperate.
Love is home.
Love is naive.
Love is faith.
Love is broken.
Love is love.
You are love.
Together, we are love.

---

Alex hadn't planned what was going to happen that night.
This is not what he had hoped for.
This is not what he had planned.
He was just going to go home and cry himself to sleep, again.
He just wanted to forget.
Wanted to feel okay.
But a piece of fate struck Alex.
Struck him in the shape of a lorry being driven by a drunk man.
He couldn't breathe.
He couldn't feel.

Alex died on impact.
Dead before he even hit the ground.

They say that, before death, your life flashes before your eyes.
Alex saw Jack.
And that's when it hit him.
Hit him with more force than the lorry.
Jack was his life.
Jack was his being.
Jack is his meaning.

--

He was buried next to his lover, wearing his lovers clothes, his head turned slightly to the left. To face his lover.

They were together again.

--

'If you really knew Alexander, you knew how big his heart was. He loved everyone. Hate wasn't something Alex really cared about. He spread love and gave love and he lived off of love. I fell in love with him. I loved him for a very long time. I will alway love him. That's the thing about Alex, once you love him, you can't let go. He makes you feel special. He makes you feel needed. Alex made Jack feel like he was on top of the world. He took all these insecurities and struggles away from him and tossed them aside. He helped Jack love the world and himself. Jack loved easily too, but in a naive way. But he never loved anyone more than Alex. He lived for Alex. He dreamed for Alex. He was the man he was for Alex. And I knew that. I was selfish. Jack deserved Alex.' Lisa lets a sob escape her lips as she pushes a section of her curled hair behind her ear, 'Alex and Jack held something special. You knew they were made for each other. The way they looked at each other. The way Jack's face lit up at the mention of Alex. They were in love. They were, and still are the epitome of love and if you ever have something like they had, be grateful. Don't let it go. Jack Barakat, wherever you are, I'm sorry. You are amazing and deserving and I love you. Alex Gaskarth, I love you. I hope you find him soon.' Lisa steps down from the little podium and rushes back to her seat, sobbing into her hands while Cassadee wraps her arms around the shaking woman.

Rian steps up next to read his speech. Everyone can see he's shaking.
'Theres not really much I can say. I've lost two of my favourite people, my brothers, and honestly I'm still in shock. But I just want to say this. I stayed at Alex's house after Jack's death. I didn't want him to be left alone. A few days after Jack died, Alex came downstairs one morning, crying softly and asking if we could go see Jack because he missed him so much. I took my best friend to the grave of his lover and I've never felt so much emotion. Pain. Anguish. Heartbreak. These are just a few of the emotions you feel if you have lost a lover to death. Alex lost his lover. Lovers are the most intimate of companions. They know just how to make you feel special and loved, and though they may leave behind many precious and heartwarming memories, their loss leaves a void that is difficult, if not impossible, to fill. They say time heals all wounds, but many doubt the truthfulness of that old adage when faced with the death of such a dear loved one. The pain doesn't go away. It doesn't leave anyone. Alex is safe with his Jacky now. Many would call that fate. Alex has joined his lover completely accidentally. There's a twisted beauty in that. Over the past few weeks we've lost two brothers, two sons, two nephews, cousins, best friends, heroes and inspirations. But two lovers have been reunited and I think we all need to remember that.' Rian takes a deep breath and looks at Cassadee slightly, she gives him an encouraging smile, 'Alex and Jack will always be with us. They'll always be here.' He looks out at the faces of the bands families and Alex's friends, all faces he's come to know and love, 'Theres one more thing Alex would want me to say. If this hadn't of happened, Alex would have torn himself to the ground. But he's alright like this. He's happy with Jack now, he can sober up and get gone, he's always been in over his head. He'll fall in the grave he's been digging himself. But there's room for two. Six feet under... Six feet under... I'm sorry.' Rian rushes off the podium and out of the small chapel. He couldn't finish.
That was their dream. They were the lovers that always lived six feet under the stars. He couldn't complete that for them.