Lucidicy

I was sleeping peacefully, that it until the alarm on my phone went off. It was a mad scramble to turn it off so I wouldn’t disturb Leland. I sat still for a moment to listen for him, I peeked over the end of my bed. The only thing visible was a bit of the quilt I had given him. So I leaned over more. There was nothing but tangled blankets and Butter curled up in them. I quickly got up and scouted the house. He wasn’t anywhere. Just out the front door was a set of footprints, they had been blanketed slightly by a bit of snow. While barefoot I walked down the sidewalk. My heart sank. His motorcycle was gone.
My house felt empty, despite Krista and Butter being there. Maybe I’m mistaking it for loneliness. I tried to find he may have left. Even a text. There was nothing.
I looked at the time, oh that’s right I have something going on today. A funeral. No one likes going to funerals, I want to attend even less now. I still have to go, Mr. Fitsimmons was my friend. Butter came walking into the room, his collar jingled. His curly little tail wagged, that at least cheered me up. Only a little. I took him outside, immediately after that he ran in the house.
It was like a sad movie when I took a shower, you know how that goes. You stand under the water and contemplate life’s deepest meaning and secrets. It’s all to cliché really, but everyone does it. I debated what to wear, I have a nice black dress for the occasion, but it’s winter. Or maybe the black blouse and dress pants? I slipped on the pants and blouse, I went to get socks and dropped them. When I bent over I heard a big tear along with a gust of wind on my right butt cheek. The dress it is.


I’m slightly glad I wore the dress now. It’s like a furnace in this church, what with the whole town being here. Mr. Fitsimmons was cremated, his urn sat on a table next to a picture of himself when he was a handsome young man. His grandson was up front reciting scriptures from the Bible. My mom twiddled her knees as we sat in a pew together. I’m surprised she came actually.

“Mom you’re shaking the whole bench.” I whispered.

She sighed and settled. My eyes scanned the room for nearly the hundredth time.

“Who do you keep looking for?” my mom whispered.

“No one.” I lied. I had a small glimmer of hope that Leland would be there. Why would he though, he never knew Mr. Fitsimmons. I shouldn’t even be thinking about Leland. It was the time in the funeral when people were allowed to get up and say a few things to the departed Mr. Fitsimmons. As that was happening people were shuffling down to the even hall beneath the church where a luncheon was being held. I waited until there were very few people in the room to go talk to Mr. Fitsimmons. My mom shuffled somewhere else, hopefully down stairs.

I stood in front of the table with his ashes. It was hard not to tear up. “I’ve been missing my regular customer, I’ll miss you every day after that. Maybe I can convince my mother to name a sandwich after you like you’ve always wanted”

He always ordered a peanut butter, lettuce, and mayo sandwich. He critically acclaimed it as the best sandwich ever invented and demanded that my mother make it a regular thing on our menu. She always told him he was the only one that ate it, she wasn’t wrong though. I made my way downstairs, I didn’t feel like eating. I spotted my mother talking with Mr. Fitsimmons daughter, just as I made my way over I was stopped by Mr. Fitsimmons grandson, Clinton.

“Sue Ellen.” he smiled. His dark black hair looked nicer than usual, his tie matched his green eyes.

“Hey.” I replied.

“I really appreciate you coming.”

“Your grand dad would want me to come.”

“Yeah,” I looked at the ground “How you holding up?” I asked.

“Not too bad actually, I thought I’d take it a lot harder” Clinton replied.

“That’s good, things can only get better from here.”

After my small conversation with Clinton my mom came up to me. She put her hand on my shoulder.

“What do you say we go for a drive, have a nice dinner next town over?” she suggested rubbing my back.

“Mom-“

“I wont take you to the hospital to visit your dad, just me and you.”

“And Butter?” I asked.

“And Butter.”

The thought of being alone with my mom for the rest of the night irritated me a little. I only said yes to get my mind off of things. Mainly get my mind off of the loss of a friend and Leland. Curiosity got the best of me as we drove past the Grand Masters Hotel. There was no motorcycle there. I can’t help but to look. Butter panted as he sat in my lap. I wrapped my scarf around him, it’s so much more comfortable now that I’m out of that dress.

“Maybe we can drive out and see the buffalo at the ridge.” my mom focused on the road.

“Maybe…hey mom, I’m glad you came to the funeral today.” I told her

“I didn’t know him as well as you, but it was my curtesy.”

“and I’m sorry about taking Butter.” I apologized.

“ahh he’s happier with you anyways.” she shrugged it off.

“I don’t plan on giving him back any time soon.” I laughed.

She drove us out to the ridge to watch the buffalo herd. Sometimes they’re not there, they’re own by a local doctor and he switches their fields from time to time. Butter glared at the creatures, he stood on his hind legs and put his paws up on the sill of the window. A low growl would escape him as he watched. It reminded me of him chasing that damn horse, then Leland popped into my mind.

“I saw Clinton talking to you earlier.”

“Hmmm? Oh yeah.”

“He’s a nice boy, you should talk to him more.”

“Not interested.” I replied.

“What? He’s really nice, and handsome too, he works down at the mill getting a decent living.”

“Still not interested.”

We arrived in the town, a few things have changed since I was last here. They built a Starbucks, a McDonalds, and even a Wal-Mart. The tall hospital building loomed in the distance. I always look to the fifth floor, that’s where dad is.

“Do you mind if I stop at the Walgreens here? They’re cheaper than the place back at home.” my mom asked.

“I don’t mind.” I told her.

I watched her go inside the front entrance of the Walgreens. Butter whined, he switched back and forth between my lap and the drivers seat to look for her. I twiddled my thumbs and made clicking noises with my tongue, the side view mirror was entertaining to make faces in. Also to look at my teeth. Someone walked behind the car, I looked in the rearview mirror to see. I saw a familiar leather jacket, I turned in my seat. LELAND, IT’S LELAND HE’S WALKING INTO THE WALGREENS. Without a second thought I got out of the car. By the time I got inside he was already aisles over because I could not see him. I walked past every aisle, my mom was over by the pharmacy, I was nearing the end. He has to be in the last aisle. To my surprise he wasn’t, it’s like losing your mom at the grocery store, you have that moment of panic. I turned around quickly only to bump into someone.

“Oh sorr-“ I said mid-sentence. It was Leland.

“Sue Ellen…” he said.

I just looked at him awkwardly. Something’s off he’s…perfect. Not in the literal sense, but no bruises. No black eye, no bruised jaw, or split lip.

“About this morning, I have anxiety you see, and sometimes I act on it in weird ways-“ he went on

I grabbed his hand to get a glimpse. There was nothing there but a scar, a fairly old well healed scar. Leland pulled his hand away very quickly. He started walking away.

“I didn’t mean to grab you like that.” I apologized. He ignored and continued on.

“Lee!” I called. He walked around the end of the aisle.

“LELAND?” I followed. He was already out the door. My mom was at the checkout stand, she leaned backwards to look out the door then at me.

“Who was that you were yelling at?” she asked.


I sat on my bed with Butter curled against me, all I did was stare at my Banksy poster. Some part of me hoped that Leland would come knocking on my door in the night. The other part knew I drove him away. I know I shouldn’t have grabbed his hand like that, but it was all too weird. He looked completely healed. Last night he had a black eye, and today he looks completely fine. Sure I considered the possibility that he covered his face in makeup, he does think of himself as good looking. But it was his hand that’s throwing me off. It practically needed stitches, no amount of makeup could cover that. I also felt it, it felt like a smooth scar.
I crinkled my nose and laid down, Butter adjusted himself and kicked me in the boob with his paw. I retaliated my smothering his wrinkly face with kisses.

“Help me…” a whisper said. I sat up quickly.

“Help me Sue Ellen.” it said on the other side of the room near my window. Butter growled, the drapes around my window moved with a breeze. It wasn’t open for there to be a breeze.

“Sue Ellen…Sue Ellen.” the voice kept whispering. I covered my ears. But I could hear it plain as day right in my ears, repetitively saying my name at different volumes and whispers.

“STOP!” I screamed with my hands over my ears. The voices suddenly stopped. I let go of my ears, I was shaking uncontrollably.

“HELP ME!” a shrill pleading voice screamed directly in my ear, I flung off the bed only to catch a glimpse of Leland with BLACK eyes crouching on the bed space where I was. I looked up at him from the floor trying to catch my breath. His face was despairing, I could see it in his eyes though they were black.

“How? What’s wrong?” I asked stupidly.

He looked to his peripheral, my window and wall slowly disappeared, like it was being eaten away by darkness. He looked to me.

“Have you ever met a person so void not even light can fill them?” he asked. He cocked his head and faded away.


That’s when I woke up.