Dust

I was dreaming, I must have been; I was sixteen again, shaking like a leaf as I waited patiently alone in the darkness of Jax's room. He'd been staying at the clubhouse for a few months now, wanting to stay as close to the action as possible while he was a prospect. I had failed uncle John miserably, he'd wanted me and Jax to get out and the club was Jackson's whole life now--I fell not too far behind. SAMCRO was the only family we knew, regardless of what uncle John had wanted, and that wasn't something someone could so easily throw away.

I wasn't even sure what I was thinking, shit I didn't even have a plan if I was being honest with myself. It just felt like the right time to tell Jax how I felt--however that was exactly. Maybe it was just the three beers taking over, or maybe it was simply Gemma's words giving me the courage to be here, "oh grow a pair sweetheart. You think Jax isn't crazy about you?"

I wasn't certain Jax wanted me though. He was dating Tara, some outsider good girl who wanted desperately to prove she could be a rebel by dating a boy with a motorcycle. I didn't hate her, but she didn't belong in this life--with Jax. I knew Jax better than Tara, I'd grown up with Jax, we were both raised in the shadow of SAMCRO and I loved him more than she ever could. I cared about him, this club, there was a connection there that no outsider would ever be capable of understanding and Gemma had made that clear; Jax and I belonged together.

I wanted to believe that was true--more than anything, but what if it wasn't?

That was the night that Jax Teller got his Reaper patch, the night I lost my virginity to Jax, the night that Jax said goodbye to Tara Knowles, and the night Tara Knowles said goodbye to Charming.

I'd thought about that night more times than I could count, wondering had I never intervened would Jax and I have still ended up together? Or maybe he did belong with Tara and I was the horrible person that ruined their happy ending.

I was brought back by the gentle, tickling, brush of my hair across my forehead. In a way I was thankful for being spared the haunting memory, though I was now once again faced with the harshness of my reality; my baby was ten weeks premature.

My eyes opened suddenly at the thought to find Jax standing over me, his hand outstretched towards my bangs as he pulled it away. He hadn't meant to wake me up, it was evident in the surprised look on his face and I had to admit, even I was surprised to find him instead of Gemma standing over me.

"How you feeling?" His hands folded across his chest, though the look of concern was clear in his eyes. In truth, my entire body ached. I felt as though I'd been hit by a bus and every breath was torture, but that wasn't what mattered at the moment and I sure as hell wasn't going to confess that to him.

"Where's Abel?" I asked, ignoring his question.

Jax's face fell and when he didn't immediately respond, my heart ached with the worst possible scenario; Abel didn't make it. My heart became suddenly immensely heavy as I waited, fighting back the emotions that threatened to overtake me. I wouldn't cry, I didn't know anything yet, he hadn't answered me. I needed to hear the words.

"Jax," I stopped as my voice cracked, focusing on the geometric pattern in my hospital gown. I felt the bed shift as he quickly sat down beside me, wrapping an arm around me. I didn't want to look up at him, I wasn't even certain I really wanted to know the truth.

"Nicki, no he-he's alive," I let out a sigh, tears rolling down my cheeks as I quickly raised my hands to wipe them away. Abel was alive--of course he was, he had Teller and Janowitz blood pumping through his veins I knew he would be strong, just like Gemma told me.

"What's the damage?" I wanted to take a deep breath, but my lungs were already on fire from my near panic attack so I settled with a soft sigh as I looked up into Jax's eyes. I wanted the truth and Jax could never lie to me when I was gazing into those blue orbs, of course not for lack of him trying. Abel may have been alive, but I could tell by the look on Jax's face and his apprehension that it still wasn't good.

Again he grew silent, taking a deep breath of his own. Letting go of my shoulders, I waited patiently as he stood up, placing one hand on his hip before running the other through his hair. At the mere sight of Jax's uneasiness, my body tensed, waiting for the worst.

"We already knew about the heart disorder," It wasn't a question, still I nodded in response. The family flaw, Gemma called it as she, Jax, and Thomas all had it. I had been aware since my last OBGYN appointment and though it was a frightening prospect, Gemma assured me Abel would be fine--after all, she and Jax were as strong as ever.

"The fall," he paused, stroking his chin. He didn't want to tell me, that much was obvious.

"Just tell me." I was focusing on the creases in his leather kutte, afraid of what would come out of his mouth next.

"He's got a hole in his stomach," my eyes fell shut, holding back the tears. "Doc's gonna fix his belly tomorrow-"

"Just stop, Jax." I didn't want to hear anymore. Jax was trying to sound optimistic, though I couldn't help but to hear the truth in his voice--the words he believed were true but refusing to say to me; Abel wasn't going to make it.

I couldn't think that way, Abel was going to make it regardless of the hardships he'd been faced with. He was strong, he was a fighter, I knew it, I needed to believe it and I didn't need the uncertainty hidden in Jax's tone.

"Nicki," I turned away as Jax's hand reached out for my cheek. I didn't want him to touch me, I could feel the anger building up inside, fighting past both the physical and emotional pain. It wasn't Jax's fault this had happened to me, but SAMCRO hadn't exactly helped the matter. Dee had access to those drugs because they were too busy worrying about their guns to bother realizing Darby's boys were selling again inside Charming.

I got my temper from my dad. Lenny Janowitz was very intelligent, but he was also a short fused man who took his vengeance with a severity that bordered barbaric. I liked to think that I handled my temper well in most situations, but when someone tried to harm my family there was no holding back.

"Darby's selling in Charming again." I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I was seething at the thought of Abel--his tiny body broken, fighting just to stay alive while the woman that had done this to him, the woman who had the audacity to call herself my mother, was walking around out there probably high without a care in the world.

"How do you know that?" Forcing Dee from my thoughts, I looked back up at Jax.

"How do you think, Jax?"

"Did Dee," Jax paused, releasing a breath. "Did Dee, do this to you?" When I didn't respond, Jax had his answer and his clenched fist came up to his mouth as if to physically hold back his rage. In an instant, my face was cupped in his hands, his forehead pressed against my own.

"I promise you, I'm gonna take care of this." I knew he would and it was times like this that made it difficult to accept that he was no longer mine. Jax had always taken care of me, he was my protector no matter how loudly or often I'd objected. It had been that way for as long as I could remember. Sometimes I wanted to hate him for it, though I could never quite manage to hate Jackson Teller, not truly, regardless of how many times I'd said otherwise. I wasn't, however, one to so easily forgive and I damn sure didn't forget which was how I found the strength pull out of Jax's grasp.

"Don't harm Dee, Jax." He was still close as I looked up into his eyes, hoping he found the sincerity with which I'd wanted the words to sound. "She's my mother, it was Darby's boys that sold to her."

I could see that he didn't like the notion by the way his jaw clenched and he stood up straight when I spoke, but Jax let out a deep breath as he tucked his hands into his pockets. He must have believed me because if he'd known my true motives, he would have argued by now.

"Alright." He was reluctant in his agreement, but nonetheless he'd agreed.

"Thank you." I wasn't smiling, but Jax seemed to flash me the faintest hint of one before starting for the door, probably as some sort of reassurance. He was ready for some sort of bloody vengeance and I had no doubt that he would find it.

"Jax," I called out, needing to get something off of my chest before he left. I took a slow, painful breath, unable to look up at him as I contemplated how exactly to word what needed to be said.

Jax being here with me after weeks of me ignoring him, I appreciated it--I appreciated him. He still cared about my well being, not just Abel's as I'd expected, and whether he meant it or not, he proved it by showing up. Still, I wasn't ready to forgive him--not yet, and I needed to know that he understood that.

"This doesn't change anything... between us." I wasn't sure what I expected him to say, nothing would have sufficed I suppose, and still I was afraid of looking up to even see if he was still there. The small room had grown quiet and after everything, the silence was fine--comfortable, even.

Only Jax hadn't left yet, he was standing quiet, motionless, just at the door and I only realized it when his rough voice sounded in a more hushed tone than it was used to, "yeah, I know," and he was gone, and my heart threatened to break all over again.

I couldn't think about Jax. I wanted Dee; I wanted her to hurt for what she'd done to Abel and not just by SAMCRO's hand, but by mine. I knew Jax and the rest of the club would never approve of me getting blood on my hands, that was the entire reason I had led Jax to believe I didn't want Dee harmed. I knew there was only one person who would understand, one person that would have no problem helping me hurt the junkie whore who had nearly killed her grandson, it was simply a matter of getting me the hell out of this hospital.