Dust

The thing about family is that it runs deeper than blood and that's exactly what SAMCRO was; family. Most people couldn't see that, couldn't see past the motorcycles and the leather, but that's what we were. It didn't matter what kind of background each of us came from, it didn't matter who had been with us longer, we were all there for each other. I wouldn't deny that we had our fair share of fights, but that didn't mean we weren't all willing to take a bullet for one another.

I was ten years old when my father was arrested, leaving me in the custody of Dianne the junky. Not a year later Thomas died; he was six years old. At eleven I had lost any faith I had in a god. I believed in family, because at eleven years old family was the only thing that made my life a little less shitty and God was nowhere to be found.

I would never forget that. John Teller had been my family and I loved him, but I wasn't sure I could abandon the rest of them, Gemma, Clay, Piney, Ope, I didn't want to think about Abel growing up and not knowing them. I was a child when I made that promise.

"You planning on telling me what's on your mind, sweetheart?" I turned around at the sound of Gemma's voice. I'd expected her to find me eventually, though I also knew Gemma knew me well enough to know there was no way in hell she'd get me to lay up in bed like some cripple.

It had been decided--by Gemma--that I stay with her and Clay for a few days to give my body some time to heal. I didn't like the idea much, but I knew arguing with Gemma would be futile. Besides, it was temporary and Clay already had the Prospect packing up the rest of my things from Jax's.

I gave Gemma a small smile. There were a lot of things on my mind, though only one in particular I wanted to discuss with her.

"Dee." I caught Gemma nod from the corner of my eye before pulling out a cigarette. Tonight she was hosting a dinner for the club and though I knew it probably wasn't the best time to bring up such things the windows for a good opportunity were slim with Gemma.

"Yeah," she inhaled deeply, crossing an arm across her chest before turning to face me, "Jax told me that bitch was the cause of all this." I loved that sometimes about Gemma, no one's problem was ever just their problem, it was her's too, it was the club's--the family's.

I had barely opened my mouth to speak when Gemma suddenly turned on me, a stream of smoke billowing out from the side of her mouth.

"And just what the hell is this, 'she's my mother' bullshit you fed Jax?" I should have known Jax would tell her that, Gemma tended to get violent when her family was threatened and he was probably hoping it would keep her from kicking Dee's ass. "That bitch hasn't been a mother to you since the day she popped you out of that stink pussy of hers so don't expect me to buy whatever the hell it is you're sellin' Jax."

"Gemma," try as I might, I couldn't stop myself from smiling, "I have no intention of letting that junkie whore get away with what she did to my son." She was still for a moment as she absorbed my words. She had obviously been surprised by what I had told Jax, but what I was saying now must have been making more sense.

"Oh," she straightened up and took another drag from her cigarette before flinging the ashes into the back yard.

"I don't want Jax and the club handling it," this was something that I needed to do. I didn't want to think of it as revenge, closure sounded so much better and less petty. I couldn't even find the right words to even ask for her help exactly, though I had no doubt in my mind that she understood.

A smile crept onto Gemma's lips and she dropped her cigarette to the ground, extinguishing it with the toe of her boot.

"Well, since we're already out here conspiring; I'm gonna need your help with something too."

"With what?" I didn't bother masking the surprise in my voice. Gemma rarely asked for help, and even then it was only after she'd tried and failed on her own accord.

Shooting a quick glance back towards the glass sliding door, Gemma leaned closer to me and my heart stopped as it occurred to me why Gemma would ask me for help; it likely somehow involved Jax.

"Jax found a manuscript or something," I'd hit the nail on the head, however a manuscript? Jax Teller wasn't the reading type, let alone something along the lines of a manuscript. Growing up, I didn't even know he could read at all until we were in high school. I, on the other hand, had always loved reading, hell I was a librarian at the CPL before I got knocked up. It wasn't the most exciting of jobs, but it was low key and I got to spend all day around something I thoroughly enjoyed.

"Jax doesn't read." I informed her, crossing my arms gingerly across my chest. I couldn't even begin to imagine what was in this manuscript to make Gemma want to keep Jax from reading it so badly.

"Well he's reading this; J.T. wrote it." The Life and Death of Sam Crow: How the Sons of Anarchy Lost Their Way.

It was as if those very words broke a damn in my mind and memories came flooding back in. I knew exactly what she was talking about, I was eleven when I'd walked in on J.T. typing it up. Dad had just been arrested and I'd gotten suspended for punching David Hale after he'd called my dad a criminal and I was hiding out at the clubhouse. That had been the night uncle John had confided in me--a child. The only reason I'd even promised him, really, was because the pain and regret that had been emanating from his words was enough to break anyone's heart.

I'd never read the manuscript, I'd never even mentioned it and now Jax had somehow gotten his hands on it. Maybe this was a sign from something, Abel's accident, Jax finding the manuscript, maybe this somehow meant that we were suppose to get out of Charming and away from the club.

"Maybe he should read it," even as the words slipped off of my tongue, a weight settled in my chest. I didn't mean it--I wanted to, but I didn't. I didn't want to leave the only family I'd ever known.

Gemma didn't respond immediately and I was too ashamed by my words to even look her in the eye. Maybe she already knew I didn't mean it, though that still doesn't excuse the fact I'd said it in the first place.

"Towards the end something changed in your uncle John," Gemma's free hand found my chin, bringing my eyes up to meet hers. "I don't know what's in those writings, but I'm worried it might push Jax away from the club, away from us." If knowing where to hit people the lowest was a sport, Gemma would be a gold medalist. I wasn't ready to be with Jax, I wasn't ready to leave the club behind, but I didn't want Jax to necessarily leave either.

"Okay," I breathed, pulling out of her grasp and adjusting my sweater. "I'll see if I can find it." Of course I had no idea how I was going to do that as Jax and I weren't entirely on speaking terms as of yet. I wouldn't have been all that surprised if maybe this was some sort of plan for Gemma to get the manuscript and Jax and I back together, no doubt she'd spotted Tara at the hospital and I knew Gemma trusted that girl just about as far as she could throw her.

"That's my girl." I rested my head on her shoulder as her arm wrapped around me, leading me back inside the house. "We'll discuss the details later, let's get these boys fed."

Not everyone had arrived yet, mostly it was just the old ladies bustling about the kitchen, setting Gemma's ridiculously long dining table. I wasn't allowed to help, so when Gemma headed back towards the kitchen with the other old ladies I really had no idea what I was going to do. Chibs was already here, along with the Prospect who's name I couldn't really remember and Juice. I wasn't honestly looking forward to Jax's arrival and I wouldn't hold my breath on Opie showing up thanks to Donna. I didn't exactly dislike Donna, she was a good mother and wife to Ope, it was her misunderstanding of the club that annoyed me.

"Hey, how ya doin' love?" I was pulled from my thoughts as Chibs had spotted me, wrapping me in a gentle hug.

"Alright," I wrapped my arms around his torso, giving him a squeeze.

I couldn't remember how old I was the first time I'd laid eyes on Filip 'Chibs' Telford. I remember by the time I was fourteen I was crushing so hard on him I never thought Jax and Ope would ever let me live it down. Then Jax turned sixteen and started prospecting and any crush I'd had on Chibs was left in the dust as my attention had shifted. If Chibs ever knew anything about it he never breathed a word of it to me and though I was eternally thankful, I was still almost certain he hadn't been completely clueless to the fact--he was just too decent of a guy.

"Ya feelin' alright?" Breathing was still a pain in the ass courtesy of my bruised rib cage, but I masked the pain quite well and the last thing I needed was any more sympathy. From what I'd heard, my accident had stirred up quite a commotion with the boys and Darby already and I didn't care to add fuel to the flames.

"I'm tougher than I look," I lied, playfully throwing a punch at him in hopes of changing the subject. Chibs laughed, throwing his own fists up to act as though he was protecting himself, but the game was short-lived as Gemma came back through with a bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Alright you two, no rough-housing inside." Gemma halfheartedly teased, setting the bowl down at the end of the table.

"Yes ma'am." Chibs shot me a wink before gently slapping me on the shoulder and returning to his seat.

It was another fifteen minutes before everyone had officially arrived. Jax was sporting a grey hoodie with the sleeves pushed back and a scar across his left cheek, and though I was curious as to how it got there it wasn't decent table manners to bring it up. So I was silent as I took my usual seat to Jax's right, receiving a few curious looks, though no comments. If Gemma believed that me obtaining that manuscript would keep Jax with us, then that was what I would have to do; I would have to get close to Jax again. I would have to forgive him.

I managed to look up at him and the smile on his face could have broke my heart; he was happy. His right hand found my left and for a moment I forgot how selfish I was being. I forgot about Tara returning to Charming and I forgot about all the promises I'd broken because as I sat down to dinner beside my husband, surrounded by our family, I was happy too and that was almost just as heartbreaking.