Payment

He drags himself out of bed, body aching that good, sweet ache that only comes in a sweaty afterglow. He arches his back just to feel more of that burn, and grins. The sex is awesome.
Now comes the less awesome part, because no matter how wrecked his partner gets during, Seb has learned that she never has the decency to fall asleep afterward and allow a comfortable sneak out. Sure enough, once he drags his jeans on and turns, a pair of shifting green eyes are staring up at him, quietly expectant.
…Seb really hates this part.
The part where he knows he should feel bad. The part where he drags his shirt over his shoulders, holds the other’s eyes and says pointedly:
“I don’t.”
The familiar pain flashes through those eyes - even after all this time - before it smoothes out into something quieter. Acceptance. Dawn’s lips tilt, a hint of a sad smile. Her eyes slide closed and Seb ducks out of the loft.
.-
“It’s not right, you know. What you’re doing.” Sean’s sitting in his kitchen when Seb gets home, jaw set like he’d geared up for this. Planned out his speech about right and wrong and morals that don’t fit into a world where a person can lose control of himself or wake up with one set of emotions one day and have them stripped away the next.
Who the hell’s to say what’s right or moral anymore?
“She wants it,” Seb says, dropping his keys on the counter, feeling a small grin tug at his lips despite Sean’s Disapproving Stare. “She wants me. It’s not hurting anyone.”
“It’s hurting her because she wants it,” Sean snaps back, frustrated and earnest. He’s always earnest, Sean. That’s why he never should’ve known about this.
.-
It doesn’t start off slow, or subtle. They don’t find themselves falling into it without noticing or drifting slowly closer. Maybe in another lifetime they would’ve; maybe in another lifetime Seb would’ve savored every second of a delicious slow-build. But in this lifetime Seb doesn’t have that emotion to spare for it. He’d sold his soul (love) to the devil (witch).
And when a bloody, dull-eyed and decidedly shirtless Dawn grabs his sleeve and asks Seb to fuck her, it barely even occurs to him to say no.
Ok, it occurs to him, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea at the time. Because Dawn’s hot and lonely and needs it after this newest tragedy, her last remaining family, Uncle Pete, to disappear. And Seb is a teenager and not exactly getting tons of other offers, and even without his lovey-dovey emotions intact it’s an objective ego boost that Dawn thinks he’s fuckable.
It’s an even trade, really, for both of them.
So he licks his lips and presses a curious hand against Dawn’s face. The skin on skin feels so damn good and Dawn’s gone when he wakes up, and Seb doesn’t regret a second of it.
And then it happens again. Or… almost. Both of them grinning and literally trembling with relief. Just generally grateful to be alive after this latest ‘what the fuck, that actually exists?’ monster that’d decided to infest Faulkham Town. Seb throws both fists over his head and turns to grin at Dawn and suddenly Dawn’s against him swallowing his victory shout.
He vanishes just as Sean and Kara come jogging around a distant corner, both covered in yellow-grey monster goo and asking if the battle’s won.
Dawn avoids Seb for five days after that, and Seb goes back to his life. Until Dawn shows up at his door, tense and looking pensive.
“I’m sorry,” she says right away, shifting restlessly. “I shouldn’t keep… I know you don’t…”
Seb is good with talking but he’s really bad with uncomfortable talking, so he grabs Dawn and cuts her off by kissing her. Dawn falls against him, warm and and pliant. That twists something in Seb and he pulls back, wincing.
“I don’t… look, I don’t love you or anything, ok? I can’t. But Dee, you’re freaking hot and that one time was insane in a way I really wouldn’t mind repeating. So I guess I’m saying I wouldn’t be opposed to a little stress relief or celebration now and then. If you want.”
There’s no way he’s doing anything wrong or taking advantage or whatever, because he’s just making a suggestion. He’s giving Dawn such an easy out.
And Dawn knows it when she hears it because she falls back, turns around and takes a few fast steps away, scrubbing a hand over her face. Seb licks his lips and shrugs because, hell, it was worth a shot.
But then Dawn’s spinning back. And after that it’s a thing. An after battle thing, a break from research thing, a "Friday night after the date with that hot girl from English" thing.
And if Dawn sometimes presses too-soft, lingering kisses into his skin or stops to trail her eyes down Seb’s face like she’s in awe of it… well, she can’t be blamed for having feelings any more than Seb can be for not having them.
So Seb ignores the way his gut writhes guiltily in those moments and bites a little harder, and then they’re back to hard, hungry, desperate and meaningless…
It’s just physical, it only lasts about half a second into the afterglow, and after the heady rush is gone it’s just Dawn again. Hot and nice and there.
And who’s to say that isn’t enough?
.-
Sean grabs his arm as he turns to stalk away. He’s not vaguely ready to have this conversation, but he doesn’t exactly have a choice with Sean holding him in place like he’s a pouting six year old. After he tugs once pointedly, ineffectually, he rolls his eyes and casts a cool look back at his friend.
“Look, can we really just… not?”
“I don’t know. Can you?”
Seb grimaces.
“Dude, this is crossing all kinds of best friend lines. My sex life is so far beyond not being any of your business, ok? She knows what this is. She’s the one that started it. She’s a grownup and actually so am I, so just stop playing dad and let us make our own decisions, ok?”
Sean grits his teeth but drops his hand off Seb’s arm, trusting him to stay and listen.
“I’m not playing dad,” Sean says, low and steady. “I am your friend. And more importantly, I’m Dawn’s. And you’re killing her, man.”
.-
They’re lying in bed afterward. It’s their fifth time doing this, and their very first “Seb is too buzzed to go home and see his dad but too sober to pass out anywhere, so let’s go fuck Dawn” time together, and Seb is realizing fast that he’s a rambling drunk even after sex, and that Dawn really needs to repaint the loft’s ceilings.
“It’s the weirdest thing,” he’s saying, soft and thoughtful. “I mean… nothing about you’s changed. You’re still unfairly hot, and you’ve got this whole dry sarcasm thing that’s like, my number one obsession in a person. And you’re ridiculously loyal, and broody in this tall, dark, ‘come and solve all my mysteries’ kind of way. And every single one of those things gets me going like whoa. You know? But these days it’s just…” He lifts a hand, splaying his fingers out wide in the air above them. “poof. Like the same equation suddenly yielding a different answer. You mean nothing to me.”
He glances at Dawn, sees her grimacing. And he feels a flash of embarrassment because… yeah, of course she’s grimacing. That was a shitty thing to say.
“Sorry, my brain to mouth filter sucks, and these days I can’t really—“
He manages to cut himself off this time. He wants to say how weird it is that it’s kind of impossible to think about Dawn’s feelings. They don’t compute in his brain the same way they used to, the same way everyone else’s does. Dawn’s thoughts and opinions have so little impact on him these days, it’s hard to remember that the opposite’s true for her.
But Dawn’s swallowing, pushing herself up slowly to stare off at a far wall, and Seb can see the sincerity etched in the other’s profile.
“No, you should… Seb, keep saying things like that. It grounds me.”
Seb stares hazily up at him, nods. It stops Dawn from falling into a fantasy, from thinking this is anything other than what it is. What it can’t be.
“I don’t love you,” Seb says seriously, and Dawn’s lips twitch.
“Thank you.”
.-
Fuck stupid teenagers and their stupid, cheating “well, we never said we were exclusive, Seb” excuses. Taylor wanted “not exclusive”? Seb would show her not exclusive.
“I don’t love you,” Seb snaps, storming into the loft, tugging the door shut behind him and shoving Dawn back against the refinished kitchen counter.
It’s been three weeks since their last time together, ever since Seb had started seeing Taylor and had officially no longer needed Dawn. Just three weeks, but Dawn’s curling into him and kissing him like he’s been away at war or something and, god, it feels fucking good to be wanted.
That is, until Maya comes hop-skipping her way down the spiral stairs all “Did I hear Seb come—“ and freezes, gaping.
Seb shoves away fast, wiping at his lips.
Well, his day had just gone from crap to worse.
“Fuck, Dawn. Mention there’s company?”
Dawn’s cheeks are flushed, shoulders drawing in and eyes determinedly counting the floorboards. And, ok, maybe it’s not totally fair to be mad at her since Seb had sort of stormed in and jumped her without much chance for conversation. But still, Dawn could’ve just pushed him away or stopped him or something, couldn’t she? Seriously.
His scowl falls away when his gaze lands on Maya. Cousins or not, she’s everything Dawn isn’t – bright and innocent, and gets excited over the simplest things. She’s got a tough edge under it all but she’s still young in a lot of ways, still possesses this firm, naive sense of truth and honesty that could rival Sean’s.
Which is how, despite his even request to keep things quiet, his best friend finds out about this less than an hour later.
And won’t ever stop giving him crap about it.
.-
“Look, what the hell do you want, Sean?”
“I want you to be Seb.”
That makes him freeze. Makes his lips purse, shoulders go taut.
“…I am Seb.” Flickers of nerves, of familiar doubt flutter through him. Sean seems to see it, mentally backtracks, and grimaces.
“I don’t mean it like... You’re still Seb. I know you’re Seb. You just… you’re not yourself when it comes to Dawn.”
Sean’s eyes are wide and soulful, begging him to understand. And he does, that’s the problem. His lips twist, sharp and caustic, because he can feel bitterness about the loss even if there isn’t much else.
“Because ‘Seb’ is supposed to be in love with Dawn.”
Sean sighs in a way that makes him think he’s missed the point after all.
“Because you care about people. You get people. And now either you don’t see what you’re doing or you just don’t care. It’s… it’s weird to see you like this, man.”
It hits him hard. His fist slams into the counter.
“It’s weird to be like this, ok? It’s weird to know there’s something missing inside me, that there’s this… just… Dawn-shaped piece missing from the puzzle of 'Seb’s’ heart'. And my god never repeat that ‘cause it’s about the corniest thing I’ve ever said.”
Sean’s lips twitch. His eyes are still pained.
“I don’t know, dude. You’ve said some pretty corny things about Lily.”
Seb smirks back in kind.
“Right. The other great romantic failure of my life.”
“Seb, think about it like this. If we were back in tenth grade and Lily came up to you and said ‘hey Seb, I don’t give a crap about you but let’s mess around anyway’ what would you have done?”
“…Checked her basement for pods?” But there’s a sinking feeling in his chest. He knows exactly where Sean’s going with this, and this time he’s sure about it. “And I would’ve jumped at it anyway, taken anything she wanted to give me. Because I was totally ruled by her.”
“And it would’ve killed you, man. Just… if you can’t think about Dawn, think about that, ok?”
.-
So he tries to stay away. He seriously does. But if Dawn’s not a matter of love to him, she’s definitely become an addiction. The way she’ll drop anything the second he gives her that look. The way she still acts tough and unaffected in front of people, but Seb catches her eyes going to him too often, soft or hot and generally drinking him in like he’s the most attractive, interesting thing in existence.
He knows he’s not in love. If he were in love he’d have stopped by now. And isn’t that some crazy, crappy irony… if he cared enough about Dawn that he should be actually be doing this, he’d be willing to stop doing this.
As it stands, it just feels too fucking good to let go of.
.-
Kara’s holding Dawn’s hands in a gentle grip, and Dawn’s letting her. She’s kneeling in front of her where she sits perched at the edge of the low ottoman. Seb can’t see her face from this angle, but her head is tilted, stance soft and soothing. Dawn’s shoulders are slumped, her eyes down.
“You know you should.”
Dawn grimaces, twisting her head to stare out the side window.
“Look—”
“Dawn, none of us can even imagine how it feels. If this had happened to Sean, if he just suddenly stopped… I know I’d be a wreck. And it’s ok to let yourself feel that, ok?”
Dawn squeezes her eyes shut, lips thinning. The fact that she’s not bolting says a lot about… Kara, maybe, or how much Dawn’s started trusting the group. Or maybe about how much Dawn needs a little bit of comfort even if she’s no good at admitting it.
“And we’re all here for you, and we want to help you. But you have to try moving on.”
When Dawn’s eyes blink back open, they go past Kara and land right on Seb, standing in the distant doorway.
“I know what I signed up for.”
Seb grits his teeth and ducks out of the house.
.-
It’s Lily who finally grounds him. He’d stormed to her house looking for some practical feedback, because Kara and Sean are too mushy and emotional, and Maya’s mostly taken Sean’s side on things ever since she declared him her best friend.
She sits at her desk, running red polish over her nails and listening to him rant, even though she probably knows the whole story already because girls talk or whatever, right? Lily had probably heard all this from Maya before Sean did.
But she lets him rant, and that feels good.
“So I get that it’s not ideal for anyone but it’s better than having nothing, right? I mean, it’s not like Dawn’s about to go make an OkCupid account and meet someone new, is she? So she could be alone all the time or she could be with me sometimes, and if she doesn’t want it she could just fucking say so, ok? And she hasn’t.”
Which seems like pretty much the most obvious reason in the world why this is ok, no matter what embarrassing analogies Sean wants to make to Seb’s fifteen year old self.
Lily spreads out her nails, eyeing them thoughtfully as they dry, and then shoots him an even look.
“You’re being a complete tool, you realize that?”
Last hope for an ally, dashed. He sighs tiredly.
“I’ve heard it mentioned.”
“Have you heard it mentioned that you’re screwing with an abuse survivor?”
That’s new. He stops pacing.
“She… Dawn’s—”
“A survivor. A repeated sexual abuse survivor.” She flips up one gleaming garnet nail. “Kyle seduced her so he give information that eventually killed her whole family. If that’s not abuse, I don’t know what is.” A second goes up, perfectly painted to match her perfectly arched brow. “Mr. Blake slept with her under seriously false pretenses so he could get protection against the Werewolves. And now here you are, screwing her when you know she’s totally gone on you, when you know you’ll never feel the same way because… what, it’s an ego boost?”
A third finger goes up, and he falls back a step, feeling gutted. Because he’s not, he doesn’t…
Lily’s eyes soften just a little, her hand lowering.
“I’m not saying you’re the same as them. No one thinks that. And don’t get me wrong, there’s no fault in looking for a good ego boost now and then. But take my advice, from someone who knows? Try to get it from someone you’re not going to destroy doing it.”
He nods, swallowing thickly because… he should’ve thought of that. He would have thought of that, if it’d been anyone but Dawn. But Dawn’s this numb spot in his brain, and it’s just getting worse as time goes on. As the echoes of his old feelings, his memories of what it felt like to love Dawn, slowly fade with time and disuse.
“I wish I loved her, you know.”
She sighs, shaking her head.
“I know, honey. But you don’t. So are you gonna be the guy that dangles hope in front of her until you find someone better and ditch her for good, or are you gonna be the guy who does the right thing?”
.-
“Nothing, nothing… damn it, nothing.”
It’s been two hours since the Incident at Lily’s, and Seb is on his knees at the back of Duke’s library, tearing through tomes of lore in a way the librarian-slash-supernatural hoodoo expert probably won’t appreciate come morning.
He chucks away another book, but this one doesn’t hit the ground with a familiar, satisfying smack. Dawn’s there suddenly, holding it and frowning at the cover. It's a new looking book with pretentiously old-fashioned font: Wytchcraft & Wylle: Spells to Ward Against Spellcraft.
“New enemy we should know about?”
Dawn’s here. Because of course Dawn’s here.
She falls to a crouch, expression going soft, dropping the book and running a thumb across Seb’s cheek.
And Seb stares at her, gulping unsteady breaths and wondering when he'd gotten frustrated enough to start crying. He flicks a searching gaze between Dawn’s eyes like he can find what he’s lost inside of them. She seems confused but waits quietly, letting him look. Because Dawn would never deny him anything... and it would never occur to Seb to give anything back.
“I hate this,” he snaps, and Dawn flinches. Her hand drops away, and Seb watches it fall.
“Seb, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t…”
Damn it, she thinks Seb is talking about her.
“Don’t apologize, Dawn.” And Dawn flinches again, looking small and confused. Seb did that to her. He still can't wrap his head around the fact that he does that to her with just an expression, a word. “Dawn, I’m so not blaming you for anything. I don’t hate you.”
Dawn’s lips twist, her jaw tight.
“I know. You don’t feel anything for me.”
And there’s definitely bitterness there, now that he's listening for it. The others were right, there’s no way this is ok.
She's looking more pained by the second. Finally, he tears his gaze away, staring down at the books instead. And his expression goes from wounded back to startled as he takes in the titles.
Love spells. Recapturing what was lost spells. Passion spells and reversal spells and…
“Seb, what…”
Seb rocks back on his heels.
“I hate this stupid void in my chest, Dawn. The idea that this… that this could’ve been everything. You could’ve been the best thing in my life. But now it’s just…” Poof. He grits his teeth, raking a hand through his hair. “I hate being selfish. I’m not selfish, Dawn, ok? I’m just not. That’s something I know about me. And I know that me from eight months ago would fucking pummel me for the way I’m using you.”
Dawn just shakes her head, looking at him like this was the farthest thing from what he’d expected. Like she didn’t even realize she was being used.
“You’re not… Seb, I started this.”
Seb huffs a laugh, throwing his hands up.
“Yeah, try telling anyone else that. It doesn’t matter anyway,” he adds fast “That’s not even the point.”
“So what is the point here? You’re trying to… to reverse the witch’s magic? Get your feelings back?” Her voice has gone small, taking on that thin, vulnerable sort of gruff it gets when she feels like something’s too good to be true.
It usually is.
“...I wanted to feel what you feel. I mean… god, if what we do is this good when I don’t feel a thing for you, I can’t even imagine what it’d be like if I did.” Something flutters through her eyes, like she’s remembering just how good it is. To be with the person you love, however fleetingly. And Seb finally feels a flash of something for Dawn – jealousy.
“I mean, I’ve ditched dates to be with you, Dawn. I’ve blown off hangouts with Sean to be with you. And every once in a while I think, well, isn’t that what love is? Wanting to be with you all the time? Maybe the witch’s spell wore off or… or I’ve learned to love you again somehow. But I haven’t, ‘cause do you even hear me right now? I want to feel things, I want it to be better. I don’t give a damn if you feel bad or if you hate me or if you’re even having a good time, as long as you keep letting me near you, keep looking at me like you want me, keep doing those things to me.”
Dawn’s eyes are going soft and desperate again, and it’s exactly the wrong reaction.
“And… you really shouldn’t, Dawn.”
“Ok.” It comes out rough with emotion. And she’s so not listening.
He looks down to the books again, trying to make the rush in his ears fade.
He’s not Kyle, he’s not Mr. Blake. He’s still Seb and Seb wouldn’t take advantage like that of anybody.
“Anyway, it’s not happening. The spell, the payment, whatever? It seems pretty loophole-free. Half these pages were already earmarked when I got here; the others obviously researched the crap out of love magic when this whole thing first went down. You could turn me into some kind of mindless love slave or amp up my lust, but we both know lust isn’t the problem. There’s a spell to drag buried emotions to the surface, but the witch literally sucked them away and ate them or whatever; there’s nothing to dredge up. We could try a mirroring emotion spell, but that would make me feel everything you’re feeling ever, so I’m thinking that’s a no-go. There’s… ha, get this, there’s true love’s kiss, but even if I believed in something like that I obviously don’t love you anymore, and we’ve kissed enough that it would’ve worked if it was going to.”
Dawn’s staring at him in stunned silence. She clears her throat.
“So we’re where we were an hour ago.”
“We’re where we were.”
“This is upsetting you.”
No, it’s upsetting you, idiot.
But a flash of memory-insight tells him that’s not the way to convince her of anything. He presses his lips together, which she takes as a yes.
“Ok. Ok, stopping won’t be easy for me. I mean, I will, I just. I’ll… I can leave if you want.”
“Leave?” Seb glances around the cluttered room. He wouldn’t mind some help cleaning up first, but…
“Leave town,” Dawn clarifies, rubbing a hand down her neck. “It might be better. I probably should’ve in the first—”
“Dawn.” That thought hadn’t even occurred to him. “Please don’t pull that whole ‘love something, let it go’ thing with me, alright? We’re both part of the group. Like, super-essential parts. You know the town would fall apart or blow up or something without us.You’re not running off, ditching your family over this. And… that’s not what I want, anyway.”
Dawn’s shoulders had done that fast, tense-untense thing at the word ‘family.’ Now she’s staring at Seb with familiar, wounded eyes.
“What do you want, Seb?”
I want to stop the awkward talking and fuck you.
But he doesn’t say that. That's growth, right?
Maybe not enough, but it’s something.
“We can’t keep living like this. If only ‘cause I think Kara’s gonna impale me at some point if I keep coming back to you.”
Dawn looks away like she’s embarrassed, like it’s hard for her to accept that anyone cares enough to impale someone on her behalf.
Seb had helped do that. Sure, a lot of it had already been there when they’d met. There are a lot people to blame for the mess of insecurities that is Dawn… but Seb is one of them.
“…I think maybe we should track down a witch.”